1. Hi there, Guest

    Only registered users can really experience what DLP has to offer. Many forums are only accessible if you have an account. Why don't you register?
    Dismiss Notice
  2. Introducing for your Perusing Pleasure

    New Thread Thursday
    +
    Shit Post Sunday

    READ ME
    Dismiss Notice

WIP Harry Potter: Dumbledore's Legacy by Wolversilvs - T

Discussion in 'Review Board' started by RandyRanderson, Mar 20, 2020.

  1. RandyRanderson

    RandyRanderson First Year

    Joined:
    Nov 12, 2019
    Messages:
    27
    Gender:
    Male
    Title: Harry Potter: Dumbledore's Legacy
    Author: Wolversilvs
    Rating: T
    Genre: Adventure/Romance
    Status: In-Progress
    Library Category:
    Pairings: Harry P./Daphne G.
    Summary: Trainee Potter had assumed that once Voldemort was gone, life would go a lot smoother than it had been going before. Well, that shows what Harry knew! A demon attack and the reappearance of a Phoenix, carrying a note from a man long dead, thrusts Harry into peril and adventure once again! What new threat is the world facing, and is he strong enough to fight it?
    Link: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13353294/1/Harry-Potter-Dumbledores-Legacy

    This story has several features which I think qualify it for being in the library, though not deserving of a perfect rating. It's a good fic, not great or outstanding.

    Plot - The plot is interesting. Harry Potter, trainee auror sidelined as a result of political motivations, is living a post-Voldemort life. His friends Hermione and Ron are getting involved in politics and charity. Demons start popping up around magical Britain. A letter from Dumbledore is recieved by Harry and Harry finds out about a secret order devoted to fighting demons. He finds clues with the help of a healer he meets and then employs and travels to France to start unraveling the mystery under the pressure of the ever-growing demon threat. It's an intriguing plot that draws you in. It's issues? A little of it does seem a little forced. There's the ever-convenient unspeakable special forces unit (one of the reasons for my lower rating), of course, though the negative impact is blunted by the fact that, while named after the research department, the unit is composed of aurors. A break-up is engineered with Ginny as a result of changing her character which is something which could have been better engineered without conveniently changing her character. A little bit of handwaving and "incompatible careers" would have sufficed.

    Magic - The magic in this is one of the story's better attributes. The combat is clear and fast-paced and Harry's power is reasonable, an above-average auror who is not at the level of Dumbledore. The magic is silent and the author has created what I feel are interesting names for the magic within. The magical combat is reasonable as well. It avoids the pitfalls of "chants" and long incantations. Though the author employs similar magic, an example would be a 5 second "Jupiter's Grasp", the author employs it in a realistic manner. Harry is covered by another auror and Harry himself recognizes that without protection, taking such a long time to cast such a spell would have resulted in defeat. The magical creatures, primarily the demons, are interesting with varying levels of difficulty which work for the story. The author has created magical exercises that were interesting to read about such as a transfiguration exercise that Harry employs. Some drawbacks with the magical system are conjuration (which has a disappointing mechanism) and the creation of a gland that allows for magic to be employed by a wizard, something that both conflicts with canon and detracts from the wonder of magic with yet another attempt to "science" magic (though it is in the context of healing which explains the author's motivation)

    Characterization/Character Interactions - Though I've discussed Ginny's character, I find the characterization to be reasonable, if not outstanding. The interactions with the Weasley were believable and ran a gamut from heart-wrenching to light-hearted depending on the interaction. Kingsley is written as a good man who is turning into a politician as outside pressures exert their force upon him. Proudfoot is written as a rather typical gruff military-type man who seeks to serve his country and do good. This is a bit of an issue as their is rather a lack of depth to his characters (though not to the point where it detracts from the story). Daphne is a healer who is fired for being too competent. She's a fine character but some of the interactions seem a little forced, if believable at the same time. The romance between Harry and Daphne is not a love at first sight type of affair.

    In short, it's a good story that is enjoyable to read with a few things that hold it back, though they do not greatly detract from a reading experience. 3.5/5 stars, rounded down to 3.

    Side note: This is my first time posting, please let me know if I messed up the formatting or broke a rule. I read through the rule's page and it seems like I did alright.
     
  2. Ched

    Ched Da Trek Moderator DLP Supporter

    Joined:
    Jan 6, 2009
    Messages:
    7,275
    Location:
    The South
    You did fine posting! Welcome to DLP.

    I glanced through the first chapter of this but I haven’t read enough to rate it yet.

    The main issue that jumps out at me is the prose. It reads very much like someone’s first story, or at least an early story. Some of the beats are a bit off and often five words are used where two would do, etc.

    Made me want to skim to get to something happening. But at least in the parts I skimmed we seem to be mostly following Harry’s current life - Molly harasses him about eating, Teddy acts babyish, Harry goes to do Auror stuff, Harry runs into Daphne, etc.

    There’s nothing for me to latch onto. No drive or hook for me.

    If I get bored I might come back to read enough to rate it later. Maybe it gets better. Who knows... but given the issues I felt were present I doubt it’d go above a 2/5 for me.
     
    Last edited: Apr 25, 2020
  3. Zombie

    Zombie Lo-fi Snake Jazz Moderator DLP Supporter

    Joined:
    Apr 28, 2007
    Messages:
    5,884
    Can we get some more input on this so we can get it sorted.
     
  4. Snupps

    Snupps Third Year DLP Supporter

    Joined:
    May 3, 2016
    Messages:
    108
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    The country the Queen lives in
    High Score:
    0
    Read most of what's currently posted.

    The plot doesn't seem too bad, it's actually somewhat interesting.

    My only gripe is the characterisation of some of the characters, which can be quite annoying. For example, Harry is kinda confident sometimes and then suddenly so self-concious it's pathetic. His seeming 'I'm not good enough, everyone would be better off without me' attitude sounds something I'd attribute to an edgy post-Sirius' death Harry and not a grown man who has just been promoted to a very high rank in the Ministry.

    The pairing also seemed a bit forced, rather than naturally happening. Was a dead giveaway when Harry started ogling her 'curves' and 'hourglass figure' as soon as he woke as though she was some sort of goddess he'd never seen before.

    Other than that, I'd say the writing is solid.

    3/5
     
  5. Mordecai

    Mordecai Drunken Scotsman ~ Prestige ~ DLP Supporter

    Joined:
    Nov 11, 2005
    Messages:
    1,280
    Location:
    Englandshire
    High Score:
    3,485
    So it starts out with an interesting idea.

    Harry is an Auror trainee who is apparently being held back in his training, perhaps unfairly, for reasons that are not given upfront.
    That works for me as a set up for a story, I can imagine a number of reasons for him to be held back and how they could lead to an interesting fic.

    Giant otherworldly monsters are attacking areas of magical density and no one knows what they are?
    Cool, not particularly cliched, and lots of potential.

    Harry immediately gets promoted from trainee to full Auror, skipping a junior rank in the process, and appointed as an "Unspeakable Hawk" which seems to basically be James Bond? And gets told the reason he was being held back is because the Minister didn't want to deal with the political fall out of having the Boy Who Lived get killed whilst working for his administration? Its losing me at this point.
    They had a nice set up for a varied set of struggles and conflicts for Harry, and they've thrown that out the window in 2 paragraphs.

    And then suddenly Harry is having a crisis of confidence, hates his life, and just wants to be a teacher?
    Eh what? Where was this before?

    Then Dumbledore from beyond the grave, jerking the puppet strings?
    What?

    I'm part way through chapter 3 at this point and its just about lost me. The writing isn't terrible, but nots not amazing either. The characterisation is all over the place. And I'm not convinced the author knows what he wants his plot to be. That action scenes aren't particularly engrossingly written either.

    Having finished chapter 3, I'm leaving it there. 1/5, I'm not finishing whats been written so far, let alone going to follow it for more content.
     
  6. Genghiz Khan

    Genghiz Khan Death Eater

    Joined:
    Mar 21, 2011
    Messages:
    980
    Location:
    Darujistan
    I dunno, I liked it. I think the premise is executed interestingly, albeit not with the poise of a great writer (which is to be expected in a fanfic, of course) and it threads certain needles well. I'd tentatively give it a 3/5 be happy because Daphne. The writing is good, it's not a total car-crash and the hook is that there's something happening in Wizarding Britain which doesn't normally happen. It's better than your bog-standard fare and given I was down to Noodlehammer fics before I picked this one it positively reads like Shakespeare. A definite guilty pleasure, this one.

    The flaws are pretty much as Mordecai points out, with the most egregious one being the destruction of the conflict setup early on with respect to "Trainee Potter". Had the author had Harry go around it instead it would have worked much better. The attraction towards Daphne starting in their first encounter is also not something I appreciate. I can't really tell Harry's age in this (so he's probably around 20 or so) which is the age at which people do stupid things like this, but still. Could have been handled with more finesse.

    Still, I'm sticking to my 3/5. I'd rather follow this fic and get disappointed later than miss it and feel disappointed now. (I'm procrastinating on getting disappointed. Fucking Covid-19.)
     
  7. coolname95

    coolname95 First Year

    Joined:
    Aug 4, 2015
    Messages:
    48
    Location:
    Finland
    It's a decent story with an interesting plot -- or at least the beginning of a plot. I found the prose to be quite wooden and awkward. In most places, it seems to be technically correct, but it somehow feels off when I read it: characters speaking unnaturally, exposition occurring in weird places and with odd word choices, etc. One part in particular that stood out was:

    While his scar had faded and he had filled out since his Hogwarts days, he was still undeniably Harry Potter. Oh sure, his features had gotten sharper, and his hair had grown longer, but he definitely still was the "Boy-Who-Lived". Or at least he didn't feel any different from the boy floundering his way around Hogwarts. Half the time, he still felt as if he had no idea what he was doing, NEWTs be damned!

    This entire paragraph is laboring the point so much that it's painful. The same information is presented several times, as if the reader didn't understand the point the first time around. Sentence structure is awkward ("oh sure, his features had gotten sharper .. he definitely still was"). The paragraph doesn't even add very much useful information -- it could be summarized with "Age had sharpened his features".

    The text is filled with other less egregious examples of similar problems. Nevertheless, the hook was pretty good, and it's not unpleasant to read. I think Almost Recommended would be a good place for it, 3/5.
     
Loading...