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Holly Evans and the Spiral Path by wordhammer - T

Discussion in 'Trash Bin' started by wordhammer, Feb 11, 2010.

  1. wordhammer

    wordhammer Supreme Mugwump DLP Supporter

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    Prefix: Work in Progress
    Subject: Holly Evans and the Spiral Path by wordhammer - T


    Title: Holly Evans and the Spiral Path
    Author: wordhammer
    Rating: T
    Genre: Adventure/Suspense
    DLP Category: For Review
    Pairing: Girl!Harry/multi (femmeslash, listed as Harry/Tonks)
    Status: Work in Progress
    Summary: Girl!Harry walks a bizarre version of Harry's life at Hogwarts, until she makes her own Mark. Darker!Everyone. Rated for unrepentent complexity, violence, sexuality and bio-squickiness.
    Link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4916690/1/Holly_Evans_and_the_Spiral_Path


    Special Note: See also the companion story Spiral Tangents by wordhammer - M

    Title: Spiral Tangents
    Author: wordhammer
    Rating: M
    Genre: Horror/Humor
    DLP Category: For Review
    Pairing: Girl!Harry/multi (femmeslash, listed as Harry/Tonks)
    Status: Work in Progress
    Summary: Steamy vignettes from Harry Potter story 'Holly Evans and the Spiral Path'; Rated M for sex, violence and/or weirdness. Spiral references at the top of each chapter, so you know where it fits in the story.
    Link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5073471/1/Spiral_Tangents

    This story defies a few DLP Rules of Potter, but I'd think the humor and sophistication might excuse a few overused tropes.
    Your scrutiny is appreciated. Let the firestorm begin.

    ~wh~
     
  2. Dr. Strange Lulz

    Dr. Strange Lulz Denarii Host DLP Supporter

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    [​IMG]
     
  3. wordhammer

    wordhammer Supreme Mugwump DLP Supporter

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    Well, that was informative.

    ~wh~
     
  4. Taure

    Taure Magical Core Enthusiast ~ Prestige ~ DLP Supporter

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    Wtf?

    That said, will read, if only for a laugh. Will edit with a review.

    Very boring, no hook, bland writing style, the "letters" format removes any kind of excitement the plot may have had, the letters themselves are just commentary, there is no humour to be found at all, and there are so many unexplained things (like Harry) that the reader is unable to suspend disbelief.

    2/5.
     
    Last edited: Feb 11, 2010
  5. Mordac

    Mordac Minister of Magic DLP Supporter

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    I tried reading that a while ago. Gave up on the start of the third year when the furry/bestiality fetishism became too much to bear.
     
  6. Andro

    Andro Master of Death DLP Supporter

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    Untalented and pretentious.

    2/5.

    Edit:

    I'll be damned. I was wrong.
    So sophisticated. So subtle and humorous. So much showing rather than telling.
     
    Last edited: Feb 11, 2010
  7. Gullible

    Gullible Headmaster

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    IM SOPHISTICATED IM GOOD AT WRITING I AM ABOVE YOUR GENERAL LIKES AND DISLIKES YOU WILL LIKE MY STORY I AM AN AMAZING WRITER BOW DOWN TO ME FUCKERS
     
  8. wordhammer

    wordhammer Supreme Mugwump DLP Supporter

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    That's funny. I thought I was being humble.

    As for the talent/pretentious thing- I thought that was a turn-on around these parts.
    It's certainly got you folks stirred up.

    ~wh~
     
  9. Andro

    Andro Master of Death DLP Supporter

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    Correct. That's precisely why we're turned off by this unsolicited misbegotten piece of shit you're trying to sell.
     
  10. Taure

    Taure Magical Core Enthusiast ~ Prestige ~ DLP Supporter

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    So... you came off as pretentious when you thought you were being humble.

    Does anyone else fear what he's like normally?

    (In before everyone else: "Probably as bad as Taure").
     
  11. wordhammer

    wordhammer Supreme Mugwump DLP Supporter

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    'Unsolicited'- that's not a crime, as this is a forum not a gentlemen's club. Also, I was invited to post by another member.

    'trying to sell'- also not relevant, as you pay nothing to read a rec. If the description threw you off, you've lost no more time than it takes to weed out little dancing bananas from your concentration.

    I doubt you've read the story to any point where a fair evaluation can be made, as I only offered it for consideration a few hours ago.

    Please choose a different weapon.
    ~wh~
     
  12. Taure

    Taure Magical Core Enthusiast ~ Prestige ~ DLP Supporter

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    I dunno, a gentleman's club sounds a pretty accurate description of DLP. Also, learn to take language less literally. Words often have more than one meaning, you know. In this case, "sell" was used to mean something along the lines of "aggressively promote".


    ...the first chapter is enough to learn that you're a terrible writer.
     
  13. Andro

    Andro Master of Death DLP Supporter

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    You're taking nice and long to come up with your comebacks.

    I'm not going to discourse with you if you're going to ignore the meaning of my statements and treat them as if they were meant literally. Can you not recognize the spirit of the words? Are you not a native speaker?

    The member who invited you probably shouldn't be here.

    I've seen your story spamming the FFnet front page several times now. I've read up to chapter eight, and it doesn't improve.

    I'll give it to you straight: Your story is shit. If you think writing an entire story using a sparingly and judiciously used framing device equates to inventiveness and sophistication, you're mistaken

    That's as long as my good grace lasts in regard to fanfiction.

    Edit:

    Note: I do not mean it is literally shit, it's just horrible. Didn't want any misunderstandings there.

    See? I can be accommodating.
     
  14. Portus

    Portus Heir

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    Probably as bad as Fuck, you beat me to it.

    Butthurt much? Also, this pathetic attempt at humor is both why you think your story is funny, and the very reason it is not. A character being droll can be quite funny in small doses, whereas writing a character as being dickish and still making it funny is far harder to pull off.

    I hate to break it to you, but whoever told you to put your story here was trolling you, us or both. Good show, come to think of it; care to share his or her name?

    Fucking LAWL.
     
  15. Oz

    Oz For Zombie. Moderator DLP Supporter

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    No one is as bad as you.
    YO DLG YOU DOIN' A GREAT JOB AND I'MMA LET YOU FINISH BUT MERRIL WAS THE BEST TROLL OF ALL TIME! OF ALL TIME!
     
  16. Ched

    Ched Da Trek Moderator DLP Supporter

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    Wasn't Dracula by Bram Stoker written almost entirely as a series of letters/journal entries? I haven't read that since High School but I remember thinking it was neat at the time. Might get old if we saw it more often, but every now and then it can't hurt.

    I haven't read this yet but I am about to go check out as much of it as I can get through, will edit with review.

    OP: I find your sig to be interesting and so far haven't found you to be offensive or too much of a jerk, but if this story is as bad as they say (and you can take the criticism), I'd suggest trying the Work By Author to improve it.

    *off to read*

    Edit: Chapter 1 actually isn't bad. I'd give it a 3/5. Yes, it's rambling, and yes it can be a bit irritating reading the thoughts of an 11 year old girl, but I could actually see an 11 year old girl who has always longed for family writing long letters to her long-lost brother in this sort of "Stream of Consciousness" fashion.

    Chapter 2 I started getting irritable. Harry is actually getting these letters (I'd prefer if she was writing without a means of getting them to him, but it was said in Chap1, so eh) and is in control of the Potter Money despite apparently being about the same age as she is. Why? Also he's generously giving her money out of it -- shouldn't she be entitled to it as well? I mean, Is Harry even responding to these letters or just graciously allowing Dumbledore to use his money to buy her glasses?

    Healing Powers and the Iron Fist are a bit hard to take in with everything else. Very Mary Sue-ish. Maybe you only meant for her to do those the one time, but I got the impression that she feels they are her "special powers." You're already pushing the suspension of disbelief.

    The "everyone is dumb" rant would be daft coming Harry or someone older, but again, I can accept it from this character.

    I started skimming a bit now to see if I can get to something more interesting.

    Wait... "If there's anything I can tell you as a big sister that may help you in this life..." She's OLDER than Harry? And... yeah, wow. That was probably mentioned earlier and I missed it, I assumed they were twins (granted I guess that could still be accurate).

    Isn't she 11 or maybe 12 at this point? And Harry is either younger or the same age as she is? And you have to assume that Dumbledore (Prof. Dumb) reads all this crap.

    Is this supposed to be a comedy/parody or taken seriously?

    Ah, Holly is apparently illegitimate. That explains the money, or at least it could.

    Anyway, I'm done. There's just too much suspension of disbelief without a good payoff, and while I don't object to the letter format on principle it's really not working that well for you here. Maybe with a Beta it could get better. Not to mention that I really don't want to read about the violence and sexuality you promise in this fic. For one reason because I saw someone mention something about furries earlier and for another because the letter format as you've done it so far probably can't handle it.

    2/5 for what I read, which was Chapters 1-4 and part of 5.
     
    Last edited: Feb 11, 2010
  17. wordhammer

    wordhammer Supreme Mugwump DLP Supporter

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    Oh. I just posted to the wrong space. Sorry folks. I was hoping for some constructive guidance and whatnot but this isn't that.

    This seems more like the meatgrinder you place a story before hopefully launching your career as the next Chuck Palahniuk. I finally get the pretentious thing.
    Cool.

    You guys are funny.

    So, to answer the fair criticisms, I'll post this:
    This is my first story. I chose the journal format as a crutch because I didn't think my descriptions were up to snuff. The first chapters ARE weak shit. I haven't gone back to change that simply because it makes sense that a distrusting 11 year old wouldn't be an amazing prose writer and the first year is really boring. i took my digs against canon and moved on. Chapter 8 is the first point in the story where I was confident enough to take it seriously, thus the first chapter with any emotional depth. Then of course I swung into trees with the squick.
    If you have any interest in seeing a better sample of my writing, try chapter 12.
    As for the summary- I already know the story is going to distasteful to 90% of readers. A little sensationalism is how I draw in a few more readers.

    Therefore, to Andromalius: guilty as charged. I'm selling shit. If you have time, please describe the texture, aroma and consistency as you see fit.

    I won't say who referred me here as his intentions were either honest or subversive. If the former I'm not feeding him to you. If the latter, I'm not feeding him accolades.

    Lastly, as the early stuff doesn't capture the humor, I offer this excerpt from Chapter 19:

    "Why am I what?"
    "Squicking. A squeamish ick-response. When something you see or hear about offends your comfortable reality enough that you feel like you're sucking on one of Professor Dumb's lemon drops too hard. Like this!"
    I scrunched up my face and lips in that exaggerated sour flavor reaction you see cartoon characters make.
    "Holly, there is no such word. Use another."
    "This one works fine, thank you."
    "You can't simply make up words! There must be a word or phrase that describes that without making up something that sounds so ...silly!"
    "You may be experiencing squick as we speak."
    "No I am not! Simply because there is no such thing!"
    "Oh, surely! I can even expand its use! Squickiness; an event or series of events that induce squick! Squick squawk: wherein a person audibly responds to their squick with a squeak!"
    Hermione stood up from our worktable and turned toward me, placing her hands at her hips to let me know she had a Declaration.
    "Language isn't like that!"
    I stood up as well, as form demanded.
    "Have you been in the same Runes class I have? Language is exactly like that! Before there was writing, there was "Oooh!" which meant 'Good' and "Aaah!" which meant 'Run or we'll be eaten!'. Then some brilliant male proto-ape said "Uhhhhh, heh, heh" which meant 'Hey, baby can I plow your flower patch?'. Language evolved right then as the female proto-apes got together to figure out how to rate him as a prospect. With each nuance that was undefined, they had to invent a new word to distinguish a new meaning. So long as they all agreed "Unk-Unk" meant 'too many parasites', they were communicating. It only took a few generations for the males to catch on."
    Hermione shut her eyes tightly and started to shake her head slowly.
    "This offends me on so many levels."
    I moved forward and put my hand on her shoulder.
    "I feel your squick, sister."
    Hermione glared at me and growled in frustration, clear indication that I was winning. That's when I started taunting her a little.
    "Squick, squickem, squicker, squick-squicking, squick squickum!"

    ~wh~
     
    Last edited: Feb 11, 2010
  18. Gullible

    Gullible Headmaster

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    I know :( its hard living in his shadow.
     
  19. Ched

    Ched Da Trek Moderator DLP Supporter

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    Wordhammer, for the record, I did try to be constructive. Don't take it so hard that no one here seems to like your story -- it's not that great, and it seems like you at least had an inkling that was the case.

    Work to improve it or try again and no doubt your writing will improve. The majority of people probably don't come out with a kickass story for their first attempt. My first and only story is a POS.
     
  20. wordhammer

    wordhammer Supreme Mugwump DLP Supporter

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    Yes, you did! And I thank you for it.


    Y'know, it might make it simpler to just explain the story.

    Holly= Harry + Lily. Lily Evans Potter was handed a scroll about a rune empowered by sacrifice to protect her targeted-by-destiny son and modified it to sacrifice her life and soul. It seemed like a good idea at the time. Sucks that her memories didn't come along for the ride.

    (Thank you jbern for the idea.)


    ~wh~
     
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