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WIP House of Serpents by Uzunami 669 - M - HP/ASoIaF

Discussion in 'Review Board' started by Uzunami669, Aug 29, 2017.

  1. Uzunami669

    Uzunami669 First Year

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    Title: House of Serpents
    Author: Uzunami669
    Rating: M
    Genre: Adventure & Romance
    Status: WIP
    Library Category: Adventure
    Pairings: Harry/Margaery/Daenerys
    Summary: Salazar Slytherin's basilisk was the best thing that happened to him. He went into the chamber knowing it meant certain death, he came out of it with a father. Granted he was dead but still, Slytherin's undead, rotten corpse was better then the Dursley's. He also gets a new place to call home. Westeros is about to be shaken by the boy-who- just- can't- die
    Link: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12526496/1/House-of-Serpents

    Just an aspiring writer looking for critiquing. <:
     
  2. Seyllian

    Seyllian Unspeakable DLP Supporter

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    That's really fucking bold. Will check it out.
     
  3. Uzunami669

    Uzunami669 First Year

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    Thanks! :)
     
  4. Seyllian

    Seyllian Unspeakable DLP Supporter

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    At a cursory glance, I feel this story should be put up chapter by chapter in the WbA, not For Review. If you want to leave it for review, it will probably get an aggregate score of 1.5-2.5.

    The story so far is giving me all the bad vibes associated with the old OP!Indy Harry with ancient blood and such.

    Just looking at your ideas, I am very skeptical.

    Sword fighting? Why? Harry has magic. He can kill people with the flick of his wand. Its much safer and easier than swordplay.

    And don't get me started with magical reserves. They're not canon. They're not Harry Potter. Stop trying to push your faux restrictions on HP magic. Wizards can cast endless spells without tiring. Magical reserves, cores, and the such are just weak excuses to restrict wizarding powers, and create a false tier difference between other wizards.

    And the abundance of flashbacks. I hate that as a reader.

    If I were to rate this, as that is the purpose of this subforum, I'd give it a 1. Grammar is mostly passable, dialogue feels stilted, and the ideas are very tropey and, dare I say, immature. The diction and prose, however, are questionable to straight up bad.

    Edit: Also your past perfect tense is off throughout the entire story.
     
    Last edited: Aug 29, 2017
  5. Uzunami669

    Uzunami669 First Year

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    First of all, can I just say thank you for the constructive criticism. I greatly appreciate it!

    Magic is all fine and dandy to have, but what if Harry was confronted with a horde of peasants, trained knights, etc and he was surrounded. He'd probably be killed, no matter how much magic he threw around, if his casting ability is subpar and his form leaves something to be desired.

    I don't think adding restrictions to the magic was my intention, but just that extended training bout with Salazar tired Harry out, I probably should have made that clear.

    I know flashbacks detract from the story as they mostly flesh out the past and do nothing to advance the story, but its more of a way to figure out a character's motives and plans [or at least, that's what I use flashbacks for.]

    Is there anything else you can proffer, so that I can make the story better?
     
  6. Seyllian

    Seyllian Unspeakable DLP Supporter

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    If Salazar Slytherin allows Harry to have subpar casting ability isn't that odd? He was one of the most powerful wizards of his time. If he was sorrounded, Harry would apparate away and even if he knew how to wield a sword he'd still be fucked in that position. Fiendfyre can kill more people, more quickly than any sword.
     
  7. Uzunami669

    Uzunami669 First Year

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    Ah but therein lies the problem. Maybe Salazar has an ulterior motive and willingly wants to keep Harry stagnated and weak, he is after all a Slytherin- The most prominent one in fact. And in the fic there is a prophecy that states Harry will be the one to kill SS. He wouldn't be giving his heir the skills to kill him. So Harry's magical knowledge wouldn't be as advanced as one would hope. Therefore, Harry would have to work in the shadows for his plans to come to frution. And play the 'game of thrones.'
     
  8. Seyllian

    Seyllian Unspeakable DLP Supporter

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    And, if SS was smart and actually cared about prophecies he would have killed HP on the spot. This whole idea is giving me one thought for the entirety of the fic: why?
     
  9. Halt

    Halt 1/3 of the Note Bros.

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    Already I am skeptical. I have never read a single story where a three way relationship has ever worked without devolving into pure fantasy masturbation.

    First sentence is confusing. Who is him? Should have used Harry instead because otherwise the reader is left wondering. In fact, I'd cut it out entirely and start with the second line "Harry went into the chamber expecting death; he came out of it with a father." Much stronger opening. Your first line is essentially meaningless dribble that's meant to build up the second but ends up taking away from it's impact.

    The next line "Granted he was dead" is okay, by which I mean it's painfully average but still passable. (Also, better than - not better then)

    But then we get to "He also gets a new place to call home" and already I'm ready to just call it quits and write this story off if I wasn't so aware that while 99% of fanfic writers are shit, 99.999999% are shit at summaries. This line is so fucking horrible and the last one isn't much better. boy-who-just-can't-die...really? Maximum cringe right here.

    I'd offer a way to fix it, but frankly I can't be fucked right now and this isn't the WBA, it's the Review Board. On to the story.

    That's a horrible way to open your story. It's far, far too wordy to be the snappy beginning you seemed to want. Take, in comparison, how the Dark Tower begins:

    Simple, concise and evocative. Yours is nothing of the sort and already I'm afraid this fic will go the way of many stories and die a purple death. Seriously, using glimmering emerald orbs, then The owner of said orbs, then Messy black hair and (again) emerald eyes? followed by more messy hair than the scar. Could you be any more generic if you tried.

    Are. You. Shitting. Me.

    I could go on doing a line by line breakdown, but it's easier for me to just say your entire opening scene is total garbage. It fails to have any subtlety to it, kills a lot of mystery (does Harry survive? well duh, he lives at least 5-6 years because you just FUCKING TOLD US HE DID), is entirely generic ("Oh," he sighed sighingly in a wistful manner, "I miss my friends", he said, becoming even more wistful as he shoved it down the reader's throat how fucking long it's been since he got to Westeros. In a wistful way, obviously. Now, it all began way back when...I killed a snake. Let's not forget I'm the heir to a historically famous magical person now, my life is so hard. Just like my dick. Which is why I need two girls apparently.)

    Rest of Chapter 1 is generic flashback scene showing us what happening instead of revealing it slowly throughout the story. Poorly handled. Would have been better to just start without telling us and have that be one mystery that drags the reader forward. The only redeemable thing about it is that it's so short because that was a waste of time.

    BTW, bolding Chamber of Secrets and Monster of Slytherin was for what exactly? It might be a stylistic choice, but it's a horrible one in my opinion. What exactly does it add.

    As for why Chapter 1 is bad, if you still haven't gotten it by now, it's because fanfiction readers will already know this shit. HP isn't some generic fandom where you have to assume some readers might be unaware - it is THE fandom. Recapping with some minor changes and throwing in some cringe lines from Salazar in italics and with squiggly lines (which is stupid by the way. Just use normal dialogue lines "like this", Salazar said) does not help readability.

    Chapter 2:

    Harrison Slytherin. Yeah, I'm done.

    Skimming through the rest of the story shows no sign of improvement, even on a technical level as you keep using your stupid ~FATHER etc~ Dialogue. From what I can briefly gather, the plot also progresses forward like the speed of a crashing bullet train. You spend an entire chapter telling us about some pact between Slytherin and HP, but don't even tell us Harry's first reaction to Westeros, or even how he got there. Normally, I'm a huge fan of the "don't explain how crossovers happen, just let it roll", but you already put that question in our head by showing Harry in the chamber (i.e. the Potter world), so now you have to answer it.

    Then there's some bullshit about swordfighting despite Harry being what appears to be a canonical HP wizard, which basically means there's literally nothing in Westeros that can threaten him. Even the White Walkers would be a fucking joke. The dragons might be dangerous, but he can apparate so not even then.

    And by Chapter 4 we go from Harry casually butchering Dothraki to fighting for Elia Martell. Without even explaining this sudden shift in Harry's demeanor or why he'd just start killing people. I'm sure you justify it to yourself through some twisted logic of "Oh Salazar talks him into it" or some bullshit like that, but that's just the thing. WE HAVEN'T SEEN IT HAPPEN SO WE DON'T BUY IT.

    TLDR: Painful to read in the extreme. You could not pay me enough to do it again. Trash fic with no redeeming qualities and would be better being thrown away and starting from scratch then trying to salvage this train wreck of jumbled thoughts, scenes and ideas that some people apparently think stories are.

    Negative Infinity / 5.
     
  10. Uzunami669

    Uzunami669 First Year

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    Thanks for the constructive criticism Halt!

    Yes, yes, yes. I would post this thread in the WBA forum, but alas I have 'insufficient privileges.' Whatever that means? >:

    If there's any other brilliant insight you can offer me, that would lead to the rectifying/salvaging of the fic- please let me no posthaste.
     
  11. Zombie

    Zombie John Waynes Teeth Prestige DLP Supporter

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    You have enough to post there now.

    Your story is going to need work. Halt put light on some of the most glaring things.
     
  12. Uzunami669

    Uzunami669 First Year

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  13. Jon

    Jon The Demon Mayor Admin DLP Supporter

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    You should be able to now.
     
  14. Uzunami669

    Uzunami669 First Year

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    Thank you!
     
  15. CareOtters

    CareOtters Chief Warlock DLP Supporter

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    This is a cliche riddled mess, replete with Salazar's ghost adopting Harrison Slytherin, relentless use of peculiar formatting for emphasis of special words and different speakers, and worst of all, the suggestions that mudblood oppression is discrimination rather than simply how the world should function.

    Following @Vira 's post in the MDLPGA thread, I went to see what the oldest fic left in For Review was. And it turns out it was this, which has been conclusively slammed as garbage. I cannot fathom why this thread is still here.

    1/5