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HP and the Consuming Darkness by Homicidal Psycho Jungle Cat - M

Discussion in 'Almost Recommended' started by cmuylistoooo, Nov 10, 2006.

  1. cmuylistoooo

    cmuylistoooo Fourth Year

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    Title: Harry Potter and the Consuming Darkness
    Author: Homicidal Psycho Jungle Cat
    Rating: M
    Genre: dark arts/mature
    Pairing: HP/various(starts with susan bones)
    Status: WIP
    Summary: When the world fell to Voldemort, Harry immersed himself in the darkest of arts. And when Voldemort fell to Harry, he was immersed in madness. What happens when he is thrown back to a time when a young Voldemort is coming into power? Dark!HarryVarious
    Link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3236549/1/
    DLP category:dark arts

    only one chapter so far, harry kind of goes psycho on susan after she berates him....
     
  2. ip82

    ip82 Prisoner

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    Yeah, I've seen this. It's written pretty well, but dark!psycho!Harry just isn't my thing. 3/5, 4/5 without personal anti-dark bias.
     
  3. HomicidalPsychoJungleCat

    HomicidalPsychoJungleCat Fifth Year

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    I'm actually kind of surprised to see my story here, but I'm glad that it's been getting some attention, if not a lot of feedback (here and on FFNet). For the feedback I have gotten, I appreciate it.

    I see that most readers that have replied are under the impression that Harry goes psycho, and while that is sort of what I'm trying to portray, I'm also trying to make him have conflicting views on that, as in, he will try, and in vain, to fight the darkness. I guess I might have went a little overboard on that in the first chapter, and some aspects of my story might be cliched, (sudden gaining of immense power, going to Knockturn for books of the dark arts), but I tried to make it as realistic as possible (Harry still getting his but whooped by voldemort even after his power being awakened + reading on dark arts).

    I'm currently writing chapter 2 and in this chapter I think it'll show a lot more inner conflict on his turning dark, and eventually I think he will snap after all he's been through.

    Appreciate the feedback so far and I hope others have things to say as well. Thanks
     
  4. ip82

    ip82 Prisoner

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    Glad to see you've dropped by. Don't expect a lot of feedback until you breach at least 20K mark. Also, few people can stomach completely dark Harry, when he's not fighting against some equal or greater evil.
     
  5. HomicidalPsychoJungleCat

    HomicidalPsychoJungleCat Fifth Year

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    Thanks! Although Harry will eventually turn dark, the way I'm leaning is towards a psychological conflict in which he has sort of a mental breakdown. If any of you have ever watched the Chinese movie Infernal Affairs, or the more recent Hollywood version, the Departed, you know what I'm talking about.

    I hope that I can keep up with the number of words I set off to, although I sometimes find it hard to break 6k. The first chapter was an exception as I knew what I wanted in it, and couldn't find any way to shrink it down. Other chapters, I have a sketchier view of the contents, so in that case the word count probably won't be as high
     
  6. Jon

    Jon The Demon Mayor Admin DLP Supporter

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    4/5 For me.
     
  7. Darius

    Darius 13/m/box

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    Is there an unedited version of this story kicking around anywhere?

    Great job by the way, not a whole lot to say with only 1 chapter so 4/5.
     
  8. HomicidalPsychoJungleCat

    HomicidalPsychoJungleCat Fifth Year

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    No unedited version yet, I've never tried my hand at writing smut. I just didn't bother writing that scene since I was posting it at FFNet anyways. The actual scene might be written when most of the story is already done.
     
  9. Xiph0

    Xiph0 Counter-Revolutionary Other Guy Admin

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    I didn't like it myself.

    It could use a prolouge, perhaps, instead of all the flashbacks. It gets very old going from one time frame to the next.

    Secondly, the H/Susan reaction prior to the freak out is excruciating. It reminds me of an H/G fic, and no matter what pairing you use, shit is still shit:

    OH SHIT! Here comes Chest Monster: Part II!

    Seriously.

    When he does snap it just goes off the end into some seriously-written rape that fails to entertain.

    :ph34r: Toddler!Harry

    No thanks.

    2/5

    --------------------------------------------------------------
    Second glance:
    The underlined are all concepts/things that have been done more times than Ginny on a drinking binge.

    Avoid them like the fucking devil if you want to clean this up. Yes, it might be hard to invent something of your own, but the point of fiction isn't to reiterate shit that's already been done.

    This is why I support abortion (Just kidding). Seriously, magic isn't a flippin' muscle. You don't need to go do cardio to become DD - the dude is damn near crippled by the end of OotP.
     
    Last edited: Nov 22, 2006
  10. Yarrgh!

    Yarrgh! Pirate King

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    He's physically crippled, not magically. I personally do see magic as a muscle...the more you excercise it, the more strong its effect is.

    This is a little irritating. Do you have any intention of writing the smut, or are you just gonna allude to what happened and carry on? If the smt isn't written, and won't be for a while, then change the rating to R. Not only will that get you more readers, but it is also more appropriate to the content. Alluding to rape is 'R', writing it out is 'NC-17', and at no point does the level of violence become gory enough to warrant an NC-17 rating.
     
  11. HomicidalPsychoJungleCat

    HomicidalPsychoJungleCat Fifth Year

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    Appreciate the criticism Xiph0:
    The first part with Harry and Susan could have been viewed as a pairing although it wasn't really my intention. I just needed a character that the readers knew had a little bit of interaction with Harry in canon and that others were familiar with so that his deed would have more significance. I'd rather not he just off some random character I made up for that chapter. Although I've seen this done quite well before, I didn't think I could do it justice. But if it (H/S being a couple) was viewed as such then it's just another thing I need to work on in the future.

    I had no intention writing the chest monster in HBP. Harry just has trouble emoting himself and his problems, and I think that it is the same with some males as well, myself included. He just can't express himself, what with his upbringing with the Dursleys. Although he as the "ability to love", I still don't think he would be comfortable expressing his problems and feelings to someone, even though he may be familiar with them. His dip into the dark arts (btw, does this need to be capitalized?) has warped that even more, and thus would do some psychological damage, as well as emotional instability.

    I agree that the part with Susan later wasn't really well done or in good taste. I don't want to seem to blame it on someone else, but I started this story as a response to a story challenge by Demon God of Chaos, and it needed smut, so I just tried to include some, and it came out forced. Since then, I've thought of my own plot and departed from writing the response, so, as Yarrgh! alluded to as well, the rating will go down to R.

    There are some pretty big cliches, I admit it, especially with him coming into power. But those points aren't really big parts in the story and I will depart from those in the future.

    The "Power" that Voldemort doesn't know about from the prophecy is his ability to expand his core after draining it. The concept is kind of like that of Dragonball, how a saiyan's strength increases through injury. Harry's magical core will expand and replenish itself through exertion. That's why when he uses rituals they are much more effective for him than Voldemort or anyone else. That's how he was able to attain so much power in such a little time after getting dealt by Voldemort multiple times. I'm using a concept I've read where each individual wizard has a pre-set core size and through maturity they come into their magic, kind of like in Bobmin's Sunset Over Britain. That's why Harry's power is something Voldemort doesn't know about. I didn't really explain it well in the first chapter but I will expand on it later.

    I was actually looking for a review like this, and although positive feedback is good of course:) , critical reviews like yours really helps me realize what's wrong with my story and writing and what I can improve on.

    Yarrgh!: As I said before in this post, the rating will drop to R since I am no longer writing the story as a response to a challenge.
     
  12. Yarrgh!

    Yarrgh! Pirate King

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    Sweet. By the way, don't sweat the cliches...employ some of them liberally, or your fic won't turn out the way you want. Stuff like Slytherin's library might have been used extensively, but the way you're doing it is perfect. As long as you don't slowly write Harry's progression from Wizard to SuperWizard all due to the Library, alluding to it is just fine.

    After all, there has to be some reason that the place is called the Chamber of SecretS. And in any case, a Basilisk is a bit of a shitty secret >_<
     
  13. Xiph0

    Xiph0 Counter-Revolutionary Other Guy Admin

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    Nice response, but those particular phrases just scared the hell out of me. I won't debate my concept of magic v. why Wizards aren't Saiyans in here, or why getting ideas from Bobmin is a bad idea.

    ...or maybe I will?

    1) Wizards are nothing like Saiyans. No seperate planet, no monarchy, and use magic like Goku makes Spirit bombs.

    2) Saiyans were made to fight and war, wizards were not. JKR has made them essentially what a muggle is, just with magical aid.

    Trying to take a concept from one anime and forcing it into HP is just mentally stunted.
     
  14. Dark Syaoran

    Dark Syaoran Golden Patronus Admin

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    Lol. I couldnt have said it better myself. I just couldnt get into this, even though I'm a big fan of psycho dark characters. It did feel Harry/Ginny-ish.
     
  15. HomicidalPsychoJungleCat

    HomicidalPsychoJungleCat Fifth Year

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    story has been updated on fanfiction
     
  16. Amerision

    Amerision Galactic Sheep Emperor DLP Supporter

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    The story was entertaining, but it wasn't very well written and the plot has some major holes in it. It also moves far too fast. The characters were flat and dry as well.

    This, with the fact that it hasn't been updated in three years and only has two chapters make me give this a 2/5. The resulting score gives this thread a *** rating, which is below the requirement of the Library.
     
    Last edited: Jan 22, 2009
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