Title: I Want Out
Author: malko050987 (me)
Rating: T on FF.NET. PG-13-ish.
Genre: Action/Adventure/General
Pairing: Harry/Bellatrix
Status: WIP
Summary: One has decided not to be used anymore. The other has no more use. Now, both sides want to catch them. But really, how do you catch two of the best duelists alive? HarryBellatrix, Postseventh year. Some HBP major events will be included, some won't.
Link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3104140/1/

This is my own fic, written when I ran out of Harry/Bellatrix stories that I could enjoy reading. It's Harry/Bellatrix against everybody, and it won't be very long. At the moment, I have 4 chapters, up, with chapter 5 in the works, to be posted next week. I try to maintain chapters of a constant length, approx. 3000 words, give or take a couple hundred.

It is post-HBP, altough I am really considering ignoring the Horcruxes, despite the plot opportunities they open.

Cheers to the folk who'll read it

Chris, who is a amateur writer and appreciates criticism.

 

I've read it. From this limited sub-genre, I still prefer Amora's Potter Factor the most, for the sheer vibe it manages to generate; a vibe that is so far mostly lacking in this piece of fiction... Dunno, I guess I just prefer more coherent plots, but as far as H/Bella action stories go, this one isn't bad at all. 3/5

 

Ok, so I'll ask a stupid question Can I have a link to Potter Factor? I've never heard of it

Chris

 

Search Forums feature for the win.

On a completely unrelated note, do you mind either getting rid of, or resizing your signature? I'm pretty sure there's a limit on these things, though I'll be damned if I can remember it.

On the fic, I'll read it now. Give me a sec

Edit: I very much enjoyed it - quite possibly my favourite active Harry/Bella fiction at the moment. Which says nothing at all, but oh well. The writing itself is well-written, if a little jarring. I can't really say why, but its very much...by-the-books. Thats not the phrase I'm looking for, but its just that while I think the writing itself is solid, it doesn't flow. There are no writing techniques to hook the reader, to make the writing flow. There is no repetition, no alliteration, no metaphors or similes. I'm not asking for freakin' Tolkien-like imagery, but, y'know, a little more.

And, with Harry, it feels like I don't know him. I don't know his backstory. That may sound weird, because its after canon, but I mean in the few months that have passed. He's an awesome duelist now, right, he's got brilliant Occlumency now, right, but it all feels a little bland. I mean...whats his opinion on things? Whats his goal now? He knows that he is the only to kill Voldemort, but all he is concentrating on now is running away from the Order. Does he even want to go fight Voldemort? And whats with his training? I think a few people on this board don't like detail into training, but all we know is that he's been trained by some Order people. In dueling and Occlumency. What does this training consist of? What happened when he learnt Occlumency? Did he suddenly mature, become more focused, quick-minded?

Give him a little more of a personality. I like the fic, though, I really do. It just seems that you're not quite sure whether you should turn it into a 'proper' fic, or just a high-tempo, easy to read, light-hearted action fest like Amora's Potter Factor. 4/5.

Second edit:
Apparently, and I quote, "The maximum size of your custom image is 500 by 100 pixels or 19.5 KB (whichever is smaller)." Referring to the signature, that is.

 

Changed the signature I looked (briefly) for any limits, but didn't see any. I'm using that on the MNFF forums, where the regs are very strict, so I figured it would be okay Oh well, no loss

Thanks for the link I tend to forget about the search feature.

Chris

 

Wow, I wish there was a zero rating on these boards, but I'll have to settle for a 1 instead. Mostly do to lack of origional thought in the story. All Harry can do is. "“Stupefy, Lumos, Impedimenta, Petrificus, Stupefy, Diffindo!”" and repeat process. Does he know any non-first year spells? Seriously now. Use you're brain and add more inventive spells. That alone makes it a 1 rating.

 

A reviewer pointed this out too. More complex spells take more concentration and power. Harry casts lots of weak spells, because he's always moving, and doesn't need to focus on spells. He will use more complex and powerful spells soon, but until now there was no need. A Stunner will drop an opponent just as easy as a seventh-year binding curse. And in the time it would take to do the wand movement and focus on the powerful spell, Harry casts three Stunners.

He alternates them because a rainbow of spell light can be very, very confusing for an enemy.

At least, that's how I thought this out. Yes, I do need to add more powerful spells, but it will probably be from Bella's side, since Harry doesn't have the experience. He will learn tho, and he has some tricks up his sleeve, some of which will be shown soon.

EDITED because of Element's edits:

Harry's backstory will be revealed once the pace goes down a bit. He has been trained, ruthlessly, and I will talk about that. His goals will become apparent as the story progresses and he figures them out. At the moment, he only wants to get away from those who seek to use, kill or control him.

On the writing technique bit... Sorry. English is not my native tongue, and I am not familiar with some literary procedures. I know what they ARE, just not how to properly use them. A beta who could help with that would be awesome.

Thanks for the feedback, I really appreciate it.

The sig's edited.

Chris

 

For what its worth I give it a 4 of 5. It strikes me as relatively original, sort of like 'Only Enemies' in that Harry and Bella are on the run and hunted by just about everyone, yet do not immediately discover that they are 'true soul mates' or similar rot.

I like the fact that Bella can't figure out what Harry did to her. After the first chapter I thought 'The evil little shit, Harry gave her a conscience!'. Not quite, but with the way she keeps helping him out without good reason (for herself or others) makes me think he put more in her subconscious than guilt.

 

It's still a bit too early to properly judge. It's good for now, but I have to see how you'll manage the Harry/Bella. There are lots of stories with this pairing, but I have yet to see one that doesn't make Bella OOC. For now 3 stars, but I'll vote later.

 

I noticed the distinct lack of advanced spellwork as well. Normally, I don't mind beginner spells - actually I prefer them, if they're used cleverly and artfully.

The pacing's a bit weak, giving the fic a rushed feel. The duels lack a personal quality, as well.

Overall though, it's an all right fic, and is technically decent. It possesses smooth writing, varied sentence rhythm, a grasp of grammar, etc.

Harry doesn't seem to be particularly ruthless. Certainly not enough for my tastes. Still, it's a fic I wouldn't abandon, unless something egregious manifests itself. The characters, while not masterfully constructed, are interesting enough.

3/5.

QR

 

You know that the main problem with the beginner spells is that a simple ennervate or a finite incantatum will reverse all the damage that Harry has done. Meanwhile, a cutting or slashing curse would put an enemy down for good. Not to mention that it could be just as effective if Harry conjured lets say a stream of Lava or Fire or even perhaps some bone shattering curses. Even battlefield control spells or animal transigurations. Turning some debries from that well places blasting curse into a pack of lions or dogs then using those dogs to cause confusiton among enemies.

It's all about leveling the playing field. Harry could very easily use massive flashy spells which focus on causing a lot of damge quickly. Besides, who said that more powerful spells require more elaborate wand movements? what use would they be if that were true? Common sense dictates that there have been wizarding wars (as war is a part of human nature) So, logically, there are spells tailored to Warcraft and other such advances. Hell, have Harry learn spells that would be useful in large scale construction or seige style warfare.

I'm not saying that you should make Harry into some type of supergod but what i am saying that if Harry is such a super dueler and uses easy, first year spells then why doesn't everyone do it? Voldemort and Dumbledor are considered the most powerful wizards in all of existance and you don't see them shouting elementry spells at each other. They use transfigurations and siege style curses to effect one another.

In the end what I would do is develop various sets of magic. And have Harry just specalize in one of them. Perhaps Advanced Construction Charms (Charms because of his ease at learning that Patronus Charm) Or even defensive based Charms that can be a little bit on innovation can be used to make then offensive in origions. There are so many differnent styles that you could go with.

A suggestion for Snape for example would be the very liberal usage of potions in combat situations. Either healing potions or those which increase stamina and agility while fighting. It is also well known that Snape is very good with Dark Arts. So, lots of powerful destructive spells mixed in there. Some colourful and bloody effects.

But yes, I have ranted for long enough. One thing more I would like to say is that my judgement of your fic was very harsh at the time. Not that I have had time to get over the absolute lack of combat origionality in the fic I have decided to continue reading it and make a final judgement once the fic is completed.

- Virail

 

I like this piece however just as everyone else has said. The repetoire of spells need to be expanded a bit. Lower year spells get old really fast. Not even dark, evil, corrupting curses are needed. Just a little more flavor to give the story a little more diversity. Reducto-Aboleo.

English to LatinKeep in mind though that some english words dont have an equivalent in Latin.

 

Thanks for the link and all the feedback. I will be increasing the spell level in the fic, since it's obviousy necessary. Altough Hary will still use his speed casting... I'm too fond of it to drop it. I'll make more interesting spells, tho.

Thanks to everybody for the awesome feedback.

Edit: I've been using this for Latin words: http://wredmond.home.texas.net/alittera.html

Chris

 

Its a good fic. One of the better Harry/Bella stories for sure. And you didn't go for the "Bella is under imperious" crap, which is a major plus.

The only thing I found disagreeable was the little scene where Harry finds out Ron thinks of him as a weapon... Blah blah... that was like finding a stone in your rice. I can understand that you want Harry away from the Order but that reason just seemed so lame...

Other than that one aspect, and the spell work in the dueling, I found this fic great.

4/5

 

I really enjoyed it. I liked that Bella's still evil, none of that "misunderstood Bella" stuff. The motivations seem believable. Good work.

 

Thanks. Glad you like it.

Chris, who really needs to get writing

 

Suggested category: "Independent Harry"

I distinctly recall opening the Library forum and looking at the one that would fit the story best. Looks like I forgot to add it to the OP. Sorry 'bout that.

Chris