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WIP Into the Black by RhysThornbery - T - (HP/Star Wars)

Discussion in 'Almost Recommended' started by Steelbadger, Feb 13, 2017.

  1. Steelbadger

    Steelbadger High Inquisitor

    Joined:
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    Messages:
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    Location:
    United Kingdom
    Title: Into the Black (HP/Star Wars)
    Author: RhysThornbery
    Rating: T
    Genre: Adventure/Sci-fi
    Chapters: 5
    Words: 56,384
    Published: January 9, 2017
    Status: WIP
    Library Category: The Alternates
    Pairings: Unknown(??)

    Summary: An incredible discovery prompts Harry and Hermione to venture into the unknown. Hoping to discover new worlds and bring home a certain lost Godfather. However they get a lot more than they bargained for when they step into this brave new world. A Galactic scale war, aliens and betrayal lie beyond. Tentatively rate T, may be raised to M if necessary.

    Link to FFN

    First up, the obvious. This is yet another riff on bluminous8's Sword and Magic. It also starts poorly, with some rather hamfisted and unnecessary Weasley bashing in order to get Harry and Hermione into Star Wars with nary a Ron in sight.

    That said. Once you get past the Prologue (which, for a story based on Sword and Magic, is completely standard procedure. Really, no-one cares about whatever set of circumstances lead to the crossover. It never has any importance anyway) it's actually pretty good.

    In fact, though we're only 5 chapters in, it's still already leagues ahead of both 'Sword and Magic' and 'Last Second Savior', the two previous attempts at writing this premise.

    It's not without flaws, of course. It has a whole bunch, mostly in the slightly... off characterisation of Harry and Hermione. I'm also concerned that this story is going to go the same route as the aforementioned earlier stories, as it currently looks like our band of merry heroes may well end up being Harry + a bunch of ladies. Hermione has already been pushed into a supporting role, and seems unlikely to break out of it soon, possibly in preparation for her becoming 'hot nerdy one' in the harem, rather than a character with actual motivations. On the other hand, it doesn't list 'romance' as a genre, so that might bode well.

    What I like about it, though, is that it actually seems to give a shit about telling a story, rather than just setting up a queue of hot ladies for Harry Fuckin' Potter to kriff. The most recent chapter focusing on the Jedi order rather than Harry and Hermione was a very good choice, in my opinion, and basically the reason why I feel optimistic enough about this fic's future to bother writing a review. I'm a little lukewarm on the attempt at expressing Anakin's thoughts when he's attacking the temple, but they made a valiant go of it, so I'll give them some points for that.

    At this point, I think it probably only manages a 3/5 (that prologue, man), but it's still new, and my eternal optimism has me rating this as a 4/5, as that's what I think it could shape up to be if the writer can avoid falling into the trap of describing just how sexy every be-tentacled Jedi lady is, and how much they have the hots for Harry.

    If they can keep the focus on the larger story, rather than hormones, I think this could be a very respectable addition to the crossover genre.
     
  2. Peter North

    Peter North Dark Lord

    Joined:
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    I liked it. I agree with Steelbadger for the most part. It's on the same level as Sword and Magic so far but definitely readable. As long as the bashing can be kept to a minimum I can definitely say this is a 3/5 fic.
     
  3. Lord Ravenclaw

    Lord Ravenclaw DLP Overlord Admin

    Joined:
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    Denver, CO
    Once you slog through the prologue, it seems to have promise for now. Not a lot happens in the first 50k words, but overall it's fairly engaging despite baring striking similarities to many other HP/SW stories starting at the end of the Clone Wars. The addition of Hermione may prove to be interesting, and hopefully head off any hint of a harem.

    I'm interested to see where it goes, 3/5 for now.
     
  4. KGB

    KGB Death Eater

    Joined:
    Jan 18, 2011
    Messages:
    964
    This doens't inspire confidence.

    The author has written a harem story as well as one of these "Harry dies for x time and meets death/angel/etc. who is pissed at him", so there is a good chance this will just turn into a complete shitshow.

    Also the only new twist this story has introduced thus far is the Anakin PoV and that is at best a fool's errand. Since Anakin's turn to the dark side is the dumbest thing in the entire canon.
     
  5. Gene

    Gene Third Year

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    Jan 11, 2014
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    Location:
    Rama
    It's not incompetently written, and it has multiple good ideas.

    It's also got signs of either getting good or falling to pieces.

    I'll give it a 2.5/5 with potential to go up or down by a rating or so.
     
  6. TheWiseTomato

    TheWiseTomato Tactical Tomato DLP Supporter

    Joined:
    Nov 11, 2009
    Messages:
    3,635
    Location:
    Australia.
    I'll preface this by saying I didn't make it past the execution of Order 66.

    Very heavy on the internal thoughts/monologues. As mentioned, the characterisation of Harry and Hermione is definitely a bit off, not in that they don't resemble their canon selves much (like a great deal of fanfic), but that they seem more like seperate, defined characters with familiar names.

    The fic really needs less words and more things happening. I'd normally give it bonus points for being a niche that I like, but all it seems to have done is retread familiar ground in the handful of other dimension traveling HP/SW crosses.

    Minus points for Ron the Immature Man-Child, too. 2/5.
     
  7. Thaumologist

    Thaumologist Supreme Mugwump

    Joined:
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    Messages:
    1,663
    Location:
    Chester, England
    I don't know whether this is a challenge, or just someone wanting to write a story similar to one they loved, but so much of what happens in this is inseparable from other HP/SW crosses.

    They always happen at the same time - Harry (and whoever is with him) land on Felucia, rescue Ahsoka, and use a broken time turner to mitigate some of the damage from Order 66. Shaak Ti plays a big part, and believes in everything quick enough to help out.

    This does stand out in that we see from more viewpoints than normal, but they don't really add much - Vader shows us that he's still upset his wife might die, the senators show us that they know something fishy's going on - but because the story is very similar to ones we've all read before, it's just extra words.

    Having long descriptions of Ron and Hermione's failing relationship doesn't add anything, other than Weasley bashing. Luna and Neville are expecting kids (and Luna's less weird now, because it makes her sensible), Tonks is still alive (and there was something weird about her relationship with Lupin) and has gone back to her maiden name (also she's head Auror, because nepotism), Hermione is a super-smart researcher, Harry is a top auror, Rita's still a bitch... It's just fluff. I don't think it's likely we'll be going back to the HP world soon (if ever), and if we did then I doubt we'd stay for long.

    In fact, I'm pretty sure that the prologue could be reduced down to small chatter between Harry and Hermione as they make camp - Harry is surprised Ron didn't come, but then learns of their break-up. He commiserates by saying him and Ginny are doing the same, and it's a shame Luna couldn't come, but she's massively pregnant. All the prologue does is rub our faces in how clever Hermione is, how stupid the wizarding world is, and how much of a traitor Ron is. I found myself skipping paragraphs because the explanation on how the runes translate really doesn't matter, even if the translation does.

    Repeated mentions in the prologue and the first chapter of 'underhill', which is Fairyland but evil, were weird. Either a reference to another of the author's works, or something they wanted to add in but haven't yet. Looking at the author's profile shows they've got a 'challenge' for writing about fairyland, too.

    In fact, the author just adds several things for some reason. Juno the dog, for another. What purpose is a dog going to serve in Star Wars? Comic relief? Companionship for Sirius? I get that it makes the world feel more real, because real life has all these extras, but it stands out it writing as author or fanserviceship.

    I really want this to be good, but the next few chapters will just be rehashes, so I'm not holding out hope.

    3/5 for now, with potential to go either way.
     
  8. Thrans

    Thrans Squib

    Joined:
    Feb 13, 2017
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    Location:
    England home of the former and future British Empi
    High Score:
    0
    Nothing groundbreaking with it and nothing really wrong with it.

    Opens with a new(? Definitely less seen) take on a default method of getting you characters to jump realities, at which point it follows the 'set up' of the stories its been inspired by.

    I'd suggest judgment be held off till we see if its abandoned or what they do when they make it off world. Something new could be written but till then its a fairly well written story that at least has you interested in reading a bit more.

    It's like pub food, nothing special, a bit bland at times, but it's exactly what it claimed it was on the menu.

    3/5
     
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