Title: Journey of Four: The Calling
Author: Gatonio
Rating: T (for now)
Genre: Adventure/ Suspense
Pairing: None yet
Main characters: Harry, Hermione, Luna, Draco
Status: WIP
Summary: AU of HBP. Starts in the summer before 6th year. Harry begins to act out after Sirius' death and runs away. Draco is rethinking the meaning of his life and his allegiance after a conversation with his father. Luna is hunting for a Crumple-horned Snorkack and Hermione is dealing with her domestic woes and helping Harry. But there's a strange melody constantly being played and these four can hear it. What is it? Who are the Four? What is the Calling? Do they have to abide by it?

This is just a chance at doing some AU and I've thought this story out to the last letter. It will be a three-part series: The Calling, The Journey and The War. There aren't any ships yet and there probably won't be for a while.

I'm very nervous about posting my own work here but I figure there's no better way to get meaningful (if harsh) reviews unless I take the plunge.

Please don't kill me.

Gatonio.

Link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6029497/1/Journey_of_Four_The_Calling

 

Post it in WBA first for criticism and help improving it. For Review is for polished works attempting to get into the library.

 

It's a decent story but it is so short right now that I can't really judge it. The plot is clichéd so far but it could be redeemed.
The authors writing is not superb, it get's the job done but lacks flair. I was just reading this as a break in Wastelands of Time though so perhaps I'm spoiled atm.

If this was a serious entry into the library it would be a 2/5 for me, manly because the story did not catch my attention in the few words it had and the few plot elements we read were clichéd and not very well written.

 

You have an extraordinary talent for the extremely generic and bland.

The writing is kinda alright, but that's not much of a consolation. The presentation of scenes is particularly excruciating:

You have cliches everywhere. Not just the plot devices, but in your scenes, characters, structure, and writing itself. Like the thing of having the introduction of each character end in "This is my story".

Like the Warrior Mage or something arcade game at the cinema I used to play a couple of years ago? :/ Or every single JRPG ever? Some very atypical balance-of-the-world stuff, ect.

1.5. It's maybe a notch above terrible, but still very bad. When people say something is a "breath of fresh air", this is more "wading through a trench filled to the brim with rotting corpses".

Think on a better plot and start pursuing that. You might want to continue with this just to get a feel for handling scenes and shedding the rampant cliches.

Edit: If you want to become a decent writer - I'm basing this respected writers in the vein of Ruskbyte, jon3771, Nuhuh, Amerision, Joe6991, Shezza88, Nuhuh, Thor Nairda, and Swimdraconian - here's what you need to do, looking at the larger picture of stories.

1. Journey of Four: The Calling » reviews
When the balance of the world tips to one side over the other, Four will rise to bring balance, Four will rise to bring peace, Four will rise to deliver justice. Duty is summoning, harken the call. H/Hr/D/L no ships. AU 6th Year.
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Suspense - Chapters: 2 - Words: 13,478 - Reviews: 14 - Published: 6-6-10 - Harry P. & Hermione G.

2. Harry Potter and the Truth of EvansPotter » reviews
Manipulating the time-line and with Godly Intervention, Harry Potter returns in time to discover his mother's secret. How does that affect the war-effort and why is he so in love with Hermione? Read and find out! HHr! Weasley bashing! FINAL CHAPTER UP!

Never bash, no matter the character. The summary makes the story seem highly circumspect, but the mention of irrational love will turn people away.

Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Adventure/Romance - Chapters: 16 - Words: 133,715 - Reviews: 566 - Updated: 5-25-10 - Published: 9-16-09 - Harry P. & Hermione G. - Complete

3. Harrison and Luna: An Epic Romance reviews
In a world that's different from anything ever seen before, Baron Harrison Potter and Princess Luna Malfoy meet and love. They rile against all odds, to fulfill their passions. In a world of medieval bravado and magic, a forbidden love takes birth. AU H/L
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 6,126 - Reviews: 10 - Published: 12-6-09 - Harry P. & Luna L.

I actually remember the title, this was the last epic fail fic you submitted. You have a fundamental problem with your conception of what is good, epic, and original, and this overlaps with your unoriginality - your idea of an AU puts Harry Potter characters in a fantasy kingdom setting. In other words, the generic AU tied with the high-school fic. While I was skimming Final Fantasy VII & VIII a while ago, I literally stumbled over a dozen Prince-Cloud and Princess-Aeris fics.

4. Since You reviews
A Harry-Hermione OneShot with a tearful ending... Warning: Tear-jerker! Picks up from Harry-Hermione in tent after Ron's 'departure' in DH... Not-Epilogue compatible
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Romance/Hurt/Comfort - Chapters: 1 - Words: 2,263 - Reviews: 14 - Published: 10-5-09 - Harry P. & Hermione G. - Complete

5. Touch » reviews
Bella is frustrated as Edward refuses to touch her. This story deals with Bella's attempts to make Edward fulfill her needs while something dark emerges. Is Bella able to handle way more than she bargained for? Will their love survive?ABANDONED!
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Angst - Chapters: 7 - Words: 18,870 - Reviews: 36 - Updated: 8-7-09 - Published: 7-5-09 - Bella & Edward - Complete

Well

My post seems harsh, even to me, but you have an earnest desire to improve, and I don't want you to keep going on the same path, rebounding from one bad fic to another like previous posters like Tao or Tridentwatch.

 

Yeah Andromalius is right dude, you really need to question every plot point you write, you know you have problems when people spot the recycled point points before they click the link. It's nothing big, but it's a bad habit to get into.

 

I haven't read your story but from the part that Andro quoted, I can tell there are some serious problems with the way you approach the scenes.

First grammatical:

If Hermione has been petrified, she can't talk to Harry. What you meant was that she'd been petrified.

Also, the repetition of Harry's name, it feels like I'm reading a badly written drama. Y'know the old dramas where the protagonists had a penchant for over-acting. Yeah, it feels like that and even worse actually.

And thirdly the writing itself is extremely bland and unimaginative. It's like you're describing the happening in a boring talk not really showing the reader what's going on.

As to how to improve. Work on your plot. You can use the plot bunny thread to discuss your idea. Or if nothing really good comes to your mind, try the Challenges section.

As for your writing the WbA is a good place to start. You'll get some good critique there.

 

Upon reading the summary I immediately thought it was a crappy BSG crossover and the four of them were Cylons.

 

Exactement, but Hybrid!Luna would be awesome.

 

Mmm, Fleur as Number Six. The only problem is that I really can't think of any corresponding wizards who could be Baltar? Although I'm sure some author could reaaaally stretch it to fit Harry or Bill into the role.

I guess Cho would make for an appropriate Number Eight as well.

As for this story - I have no interest in reading it - so I'll leave it unrated.

 

No, Eight was much too useful by comparison. Rather than get stuck in the asiatic, I'd propose Tonks. As for Baltar- there's only one HP character that fits- never sure which side he was on; putting him sexually with Six makes your skin crawl; strangely well-regarded opinion: Snape.


For the OP: Work by Author would be a more forgiving testing ground, but as commented before, the ideas of your work aren't exactly ground-breaking.

Also, I couldn't stop snickering at this in the summary for Touch: "Is Bella able to handle way more than she bargained for? Will their love survive?ABANDONED!"

The answer is 'Uhh... no, I guess she can't' and 'No, it won't'!

 

Err... have you forgotten Baltars ginormous ego? Clearly Lockheart is our man

Edited to add: Maybe I should at least make an effort to say something OT... oh yeah. redeemed!Draco sucks. As a matter of fact, pretty much any Draco sucks. He's always been a little bitch and will always remain a little bitch. He can be tolerable in some fics, IE Nonjon's A Black Comedy.

 

Now I actually want a crack fic BSG/HP. Lockheart would be an awesome Baltar, I can totally see him pulling the shit Baltar did with the cult of hotties.

 

Dammit, now I want to write a crack xover, ah well I'll get to it as soon as I'm done with my serious HP/nBSG (in about 2064).

EDIT: Am I the only one who feels guilty about hijacking this poor fledgeling writers thread with Ron Moores space opera show?

 

Depends. Poor fledgling writer already got this sort of advice on the last two stories that were offered up (right around the time I ran full speed into a reality wall by posting my story For Review, which is why I remember them).

Truth of Evans Potter: http://forums2.darklordpotter.net/showthread.php?t=15380

Harrison and Luna: http://forums2.darklordpotter.net/showthread.php?t=15411

 

I'm 12 years old and what is this?

 

-Robot Devil, Futurama

I couldn't get this quote out of my head as I read the story. The POV and scenes jump around so much that the writer uses ham handed ways to explain what's happening and why.

I found the writing style to be mildly interesting, but it couldn't make up for how clunky the story felt.

2/5

Also, regardless of how good a story is, it needs to be far longer than this to be recced for the library. Excluding one shots, of course.
​