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Lets Rap About Terrible Stories

Discussion in 'Fanfic Discussion' started by Zombie, Jun 15, 2018.

  1. Zombie

    Zombie John Waynes Teeth Prestige DLP Supporter

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    Terrible is a heavy label, but I'm sure we here at DLP have come across some stories that we find truly terrible.

    I use Scryer quite often. @Lord Ravenclaw has built a really great tool, and if you haven't ever used it, I'd consider it. It helps you cut through all the shit, but it also helps you find some real gems. I've been holed up in bed for the past week, and I've had a lot of time to read fics.

    I've had this one bookmarked for a bit, and finally decided to give it a try.

    Title: Powerless
    Author: Senyor Fier Mensheir
    Rating: T
    Genre: Adventure
    Status: Complete
    Library Category:
    Pairings: AU
    Summary: AU, Post OotP. Undergoing much suffering, Harry is rescued from his cursed life and set on a quest to gain experience and heal, in order for him to one day return to his world, and create his own destiny.

    So, lemme tell you about this festering shit pile. What makes this story truly terrible is that the author doesn't have much of a grasp of what makes a story good. Its a power wank, wish-fulfillment story, and this author has dedicated a whole lot of time writing it.

    There's even a sequel, called Powerful, which is much longer.

    I'm about 20 chapters into this first one, out of 22. I've really went through and read everything closely, thinking that maybe there would be something that would show the authors growth.

    I mean I get it. Our taste change over time, and there was probably a point in time when this might have been considered good (see:never).

    You've got a ROB type character that is got this really long title.

    Fate and Destiny have been anthropomorphized, and apparently they're pretty fucking useless.

    Mindforts

    You've got Lords of the West, East, and the Middle and something called Cirus which is the Overlord of all the other Lords? I don't know. I was kinda lost on that bit.

    You've got, and this is something I've never actually seen before, a Vernon Dursley that has a magic cousin. Who is a Master of the Black Arts. His name is Varis. How original.

    And he enlists the help of this cousin to put a everlasting curse "for all eternity" on the Cupboard under the Stairs, that kills Harry, but also keeps him alive, effectively making him immortal.

    You've got manipulative Dumbledore.

    There's Voldemort, which I can't even begin to describe how they butchered that character.

    There's even Ninjas, because at some point, Harry gets transported to the Elemental Nations.

    I think we have a .gif that makes fun of that, something about Wolverine Claws, a Katana, and a ninja mask.

    This story takes the worst of not one but two fandoms and tries to make something of it, and they failed.

    Half the chapters are the author restating the same thing they said in a previous paragraph over in the same words, and largely just inflating their word count.

    I mean. I'm not a great author by any extent of the word. However I do try. There is a distinct lack of that in this story.

    So, ultimately, what this thread is for is for you to post a story that you've found terrible, and to tell us why you think its terrible, as well as to share some hilarious use of tropes that you wouldn't have otherwise read. I know we've all read garbage, so post it here.

    TLDR: Post your Garbage.
     
  2. Arthellion

    Arthellion Ban(ned) Arthellion

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    If we're rapping...what beat should I listen to as I read your summary?
     
  3. Zombie

    Zombie John Waynes Teeth Prestige DLP Supporter

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    Don't be a faggot by Mos Def ;)
     
  4. Palindrome

    Palindrome A bigger, darker mark Moderator DLP Supporter

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    This is the thread I've needed in my life. I love reading shitty fics.

    Just a couple of days ago I had the fortune to find a story where Voldemort "regains his sanity" and ADOPTS HARRY. Through legal means! Everyone involved was fully aware that he was Voldemort, and yet through the power of plot contrivance were all powerless to stop it.

    Of course, poor traumatised Harry didn't know a damn thing about Voldemort's miraculous turn to the good side, so when he gets sent against his will to the Ministry he naturally thinks he's about to die. I was already thinking that was a dick move on Voldemort's part - but then, right as he's completing the adoption papers, the author happily explains that through adopting him via these binding magical documents Voldemort also renames Harry to Henry.

    I closed the window and just couldn't stop laughing. This man just adopted and renamed this poor kid entirely against his will, presumably just because he can. Just goes to show that even reformed, Voldemort is pure 100% evil.
     
  5. ScottPress

    ScottPress The Horny Sovereign Prestige

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    Would it be too much of a cheap shot to just post a link to Piece of Shit--- pardon, I mean Prince of Slytherin?
     
  6. Zombie

    Zombie John Waynes Teeth Prestige DLP Supporter

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    As long as you tell us exactly what you thinks wrong with it. By comparison though that fic that I linked is pretty terrible. Prince of Slytherin could just be a taste thing.
     
  7. Rico Rodriguez

    Rico Rodriguez Banned

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    Are you thinking about this Fic?

    https://m.fanfiction.net/s/11540013/1/Benefits-of-old-laws
     
  8. Perspicacity

    Perspicacity High Score: 3,994 Prestige DLP Supporter

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    While this is truly bad, Zombie, I humbly offer up Kinsfire's Forever Yours, and Yours? as the worst the fandom has to offer.

    The quick summary is that it's a bog-standard Kinsfire incest fic starring Harry, Hermione, and Hermione's mother. Hermione has a thing for her mother's body (she was breast-fed). At one point, Harry literally fucks Hermione's mother into becoming a witch because of Harry's potent magic[al penis]. The has everything we've come to expect with Kinsfire: horridly done Harry/Multi, the least sexy smut since 99 Shades,


    manufactured angst through "woe is me, I love you both" idiocy, white-knight Harry, Hermione being hit on by her father (who, apparently, can't tear his eyes away from her breasts), said father being evil because his infidelity with a younger woman crosses a moral event horizon (whereas Hermione's mother getting it on with Harry and own daughter is morally praiseworthy), and a "cliffhanger" ending, the big "reveal" being that after a night of drunken debauchery, the two Granger witches find themselves impregnated by Harry's magic[al penis].
     
  9. Rico Rodriguez

    Rico Rodriguez Banned

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    That is truly bad but not the worst.
     
  10. Zombie

    Zombie John Waynes Teeth Prestige DLP Supporter

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    I can't believe you read that Pers. That's truly terrible. You must have been a different person coming out of it.
     
  11. TheWiseTomato

    TheWiseTomato Tactical Tomato DLP Supporter

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    I remember that fic. It was one of the first HP fanfics I read.

    It almost put me off fanfiction entirely.
     
  12. Perspicacity

    Perspicacity High Score: 3,994 Prestige DLP Supporter

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    Indeed, he was one of the authors I stumbled upon early in my fanfic reading as well (sometime after binge-reading @Taure's first stage of fanfiction, canon-compliant Harry/Ginny). I credit his work with my generally despising Harry/multi stories.

    I picked one out of several by that author that could have been slotted as "worst." As I recall, we used to have the Kinsfire rating for stories that were beyond dreadful: https://forums.darklordpotter.net/threads/kinsfire-dreadful-poor-acceptable-and-myth.5086/

    Edit: not sure what's up with the editor inserting all this spontaneous font-changing.
     
  13. Zombie

    Zombie John Waynes Teeth Prestige DLP Supporter

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    Thats the rating scale I still use.
     
  14. Johnnyseattle

    Johnnyseattle Unspeakable DLP Supporter

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    Man, I was introduced to HP Fanfic by a person that absolutely adored Kinsfire, Bobmin, robst, and a host of other notorious writers from that era. Thankfully I snapped out of that in short order, and eventually steered her into greener pastures as well.
     
  15. Eilyfe

    Eilyfe Headmaster

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    I can imagine it just fine. A serious scientist who, after a long day of work in the lab and taking care of his family, takes a bottle of horrible wine (good one would be wasted on this) into a dark basement, and finds amusement in what that other, reviled part of society is up to. It must have been a bit like going slumming.
     
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