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Abandoned Like Some Song You Can't Unlearn by BJH - PG13

Discussion in 'The Alternates' started by The-Hyphenated-One, Feb 17, 2007.

  1. The-Hyphenated-One

    The-Hyphenated-One Chief Warlock DLP Supporter

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    Title: Like Some Song You Can't Unlearn
    Author: BJH
    Rating: PG-13
    Genre: Action/Adventure
    DLP Category: Time Travel (?)
    Pairing: Looks like Harry/Narcissa or Harry/many
    Chapters: 14
    Words: 66,698
    Published: February 15, 2007
    Updated: December 11, 2008
    Status: Abandoned


    Summary: Harry has defeated Voldemort and saved all the people he cares for, so why do they all hate him? More importantly, what will he do about it?
    Most chapters of this story will be PG-13 but some will rise up to NC-17 so consider yourself warned.
    Link: http://www.ficwad.com/viewstory.php?sid=47747

    Pretty good and interesting start. It's a timetravel fic with a little twist. So far I'll give it a 4/5 because the writing is above average and because Harry seems pretty dark.


    Checked by Minion, January 5, 2013
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 5, 2013
  2. BioPlague

    BioPlague The Senate DLP Supporter

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    BioPlague Warning and Advisory System
    [​IMG]

    Read all the way through.

    Points
    - Very nice build up; in the first chapter the author seemed to be going through things a bit too fast but once we got to the deus ex machina, things mellowed out. There was no rush to meet the parentals and reacquaint with them or even understand what they're up to, quite yet, which brings me to the next point.

    - Great main character. He's got flaws (confidence but fear and a sense of being a monster), he's got many facets to his personality (cold, suave, fearful, betrayed, etc) and the only questionable event is where Harry consistently defeats an inner circle member without even trying in Chapter 3 and 4. There's not much of a struggle, even though both times the inner member is caught off guard but one would think a wizard of that caliber could recover after the initial barrage, so to speak.

    - Another both interesting and nice part to this story is that Harry isn't the keeper of all the information. At first, we get the fanon!Harry that we're accustomed to, thinking he has all the cards to this dimension and while he does have some (Dursleys), he doesn't know everything. Refreshing. The extent of the changes to the new world he has entered aren't revealed until he finally learns he was killed on October 31st. It's always nice to know something before the main character does and it was well handled. It was again, nice pacing.

    - Nice flow but two major reasons this doesn't get Myth status is because it's far too soon for that (only four chapters) and because we don't even really know the plot. At the moment, it's just an excellent mastery of an old overused plot device in which Harry goes into a parallel verse and does whatever from the lofty position of master warlock. It definitely has a lot of potential but I want to see the plot first and I'd like to see Harry struggle. Besides that, it has been done before. We'll see.

    If Harry doesn't develop some critical weaknesses, this may never even reach completion like many of the stories that are much weaker and poorly written but follow along the same lines as it. Give it a read - Acceptable.
     
    Last edited: Feb 17, 2007
  3. KenderCleric

    KenderCleric Lord of Plot Bunnies

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    It was ok. Not one that I'll be keeping an eye on, but worth reading if nothing else turns up.

    3/5
     
  4. yojorocks

    yojorocks Seventh Year

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    I enjoyed the start of this story so far, but I do have two small problems with it. Harry is a bit too overpowered, but at least he doesn't kill Voldie miraculously before he turns 18. The only other issue was that Narcissa was, well, flat. Her character doesn't seem to have too much depth to it, kind of like a trophy wife, and Harry should never hook up with that type of broad.

    No on the other hand, I really want to see Harry making Draco call him 'daddy', hehe... The method for changing demensions was vague and underdefined at best, but the direct aftermath was executed brilliantly. No waking up in other!Harry's body, no chummy 'DE's poising as my parents!' scenes, and the alternate timeline seems reasonable so far. Dumbledore is rightly suspicious, and Malfoy was the rightly arrogant. On that note,

    why didn't the idiots apparate in free fall? They had several stories to manage it after being banished out the window, and it's not like they were unarmed...

    Harry seems very well rounded, both in his turn to the dark and his tendency to use what he knows. He doesn't turn overnight into an AK spewing machine, but at the same time seems a lot harder and unforgiving. Definitely a story to keep your eyes on.

    4/5 for a well done start.
     
    Last edited: Feb 18, 2007
  5. BioPlague

    BioPlague The Senate DLP Supporter

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    Yojo:

    I think it's sort of like Mace Windu being thrown out the window; just total shock and total ownage. Windu could have Force Done something to ensure a safe landing but they both got handled and the plummet would be a quick one
     
  6. deathinapinkboa

    deathinapinkboa Minister of Magic

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    You are correct. Reading about the dimension transition urked me no end. The lack of anything resembling an explination really won't do.

    Yes, Narcissa is flat. It's annoying.

    That said, Harry is very interesting and I look foward to seeing more of him. Dumbledore fasinates me as well.

    4/5
     
  7. ZanyMuggle

    ZanyMuggle Third Year

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    BJH is an excellent author who has been dormant for too long. Since he hails from an HP/GW background, this story makes for a pleasant change. As usual with BJH's work, it's well thought out with attention to characterization.

    4/5
     
  8. The-Hyphenated-One

    The-Hyphenated-One Chief Warlock DLP Supporter

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    BJH just put another chapter up, and I am starting to like this story even more. Moody makes his first appearance and is very much an Alastor Moody that I had pictured. Also the last line sets up for a very good next chapter and very good plot line.
     
  9. Lord Necros

    Lord Necros Slug Club Member

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    I don't like it because it does not flow and the writing style is not consistent 2/5
     
  10. ulkser

    ulkser Groundskeeper

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    i like it as it portrayed a believable dark harry. 3.5/5
     
  11. CosmosGravitation

    CosmosGravitation Professor

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    I thought it was pretty good. The story employs the often used time travel/dimension hop, but does so well.

    The writing style is a cut above the vast majority of fan fiction. The writing is coherent without a large amount of spelling or grammar errors. Perhaps it's not outstanding, but it definitely exceeds expectations for fan fiction.

    Characterization of Harry is done well. He's very interesting thus far. Narcissa could use a bit more depth; hopefully we'll see that in the coming chapters.

    I don't have a huge problem with Harry taking out Malfoy. This is a Harry that defeated Voldemort in single combat after all, he must have some skill. In the first encounter, Harry simply casted a silent spell before Malfoy finished his verbal incantation. They were at close quarters and Malfoy doesn’t strike me as the dodging type. The second time around, in the apartment, he had a huge advantage since he clearly got the jump on the three of them since the Death Eaters were concentrated on Narcissa. Actually, concentrating on Narcissa seemed bit amateurish of Malfoy. He should have eliminated Harry and then disciplined/killed his wife. Considering he was supposed to be Voldemort's strategist, it would have been nice to see him a bit more intelligent in this regard. Oh well, emotions got the best of him.

    It was a bit convenient for Harry to pick up money from both the Dursleys and Crabbe/Goyle. One I could accept, but both of them together makes it seem like a convenient plot device so that Harry wouldn’t have to worry about money. Besides, why would Crabbe/Goyle be carrying a large amount of money to what they believed was a murder attempt? I find it more likely Malfoy would pay them afterwards, if he paid them at all.

    I find it strange that Dumbledore would not ask Harry where he had taught in the past, especially considering he's obviously from England (accent). Seems a basic job question any competent interviewer would ask.

    Also, Harry is obviously attempting to play to the prophecy when mentioning that he was born on July 31st, as the seventh month died. However, when Dumbledore heard the prophecy he believed it was meant to apply to a child who had yet to be born... who would be born as the next seventh month died. Hence Dumbelore’s stated belief that the two possibilities to fulfill the prophecy were either Harry or Neville. I don't recall the exact wording of the prophecy and if Dumbledore's belief is warranted, but I do recall that in canon he clearly believed this. Odysseus Harris would have been born several years prior to when the prophecy was given and thus, rightly or wrongly, ruled out in Dumbledore's mind. Unless Dumbledore has reconsidered, what with Harry's death and all. I wonder if he hopes Neville is the one foretold in the prophecy. Personally, I'm hoping he never heard the prophecy at all and Harry is going to swing and miss.

    According to the author, Ginny is listed as a main character for this story, along with Harry, Narcissa, James and Lily. I'm hoping very strongly that Harry won't hook up with the Ginny of this world.

    With all that said, all my questions/problems are very minor and I enjoyed the story and will read the future chapters.

    Right now, I'd give it a 3.5/5.
     
  12. Sanctimonius

    Sanctimonius Guest

    I tend to agree with the others before me. Cliches were there, and I swear I've read stories very similar in plot to this, but nonetheless, it made a fun read. It began in a slightly confusing manner, but proceeded to become an interesting story that will develop, if written with this continued level of solid writing, in perhaps a 'myth.' I give it 4/5, but that's subject to change as there are still only 5 chapters.
     
  13. yojorocks

    yojorocks Seventh Year

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    I know I already posted here, but CosmosGravitation got me thinking.

    Try this thought: It could end up with some minor H/G. Harry was obsessed enough in canon to do anything to 'save' her, and in the beginning of the story effectively killed himself because he couldn't have her. Now enter him as a 22 year old teacher, her as a fifth year, and him holding a deep grudge against her past self. This Harry obviously isn't above using darker or more base means to achieve his goals: He seduced Narcissa for the sole purpose of killing Malfoy Senior, after all. If dominating and breaking Ginny gives him an in to finding Scabbers/Pettigrew, he would use her in an instant.

    I could also very easily see him seducing and abusing / raping this Ginny for the crimes of the other, taking out his frustrations that he never got to exorcise earlier. He doesn't hold quite the same morals, so don't expect Ginny to be his tru luv soulmate because she is listed as a main character; she very easily could be a tool he uses like Narcissa, abet a younger and more fragile tool. Of course, once she breaks he would have to take care of her, either offing her to protect his position, putting her under imperious, or possibly obliviating her.

    I guess what I am saying is that from the attitude I have picked up so far, don't discount this story point blank because the author has Ginny listed. We could be pleasantly surprised...
     
  14. Manatheron

    Manatheron Headmaster

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    I think that this is a little extreame, More than likely his 'Rejection' By Ginny in the first timeline didn't have nearly so much to do with the suicide attempt as your making it out to. I'd guess it was more the fact that he wasn't even invited to the wedding that 'Broke the camels back' so to speak. While he is obviously not above seduction, Intimidation, and straight out Blackmail, I think he would probably draw the line at an 'Innocent'. Besides, we don't even know if ginny is still alive! For all the Info we know she could have died in the CoS in her first year.

    Good read, Interesting character developement, Ect. Most of it has been covered already.

    Personally I'd give it a solid Four. Excellent read, but still a bit rough around the edges.

    4/5
     
  15. fatthom

    fatthom Squib

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    To this point (5 chapters) I very much like this story.

    The last sentence of chapter 5 may change that however. I don't care for the time/dimension travel stories where Harry immediately tells Dumbledore everything. I think he is about to do so now. If he does, the story goes from 4/5 to about 2/5.

    I can't rate it until a few more chapters are posted. So far a good read....
     
  16. The-Hyphenated-One

    The-Hyphenated-One Chief Warlock DLP Supporter

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    I think Harry's just trying to secure the teaching spot by telling Dumbledore a piece of the prophecy. If the prophecy is still active in this dimension, then Dumbledore will want to contol him or keep him close. Instant teaching spot.
     
  17. BJH

    BJH First Year

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    I have to say that I am torn about posting here.

    I was informed about this discussion of my story by one of the participants, whom will remain nameless for their own protection at this point, and I was thrilled to read the comments, especially the criticism. I will admit, however, to being a bit reluctant to join in. I'm not sure if it will lessen your enjoyment of the story to get insights into the plot or even change the direction I am taking the story.

    I currently have the next two chapters written and anticipate an additional 10 or so to complete the story.

    I will respond to a couple of points though:

    Regarding Ginny, she is only 15 years old in this story, a minor. Harry is 22. As the father of three girls, one of which is a teenager, let me say that I will quite brutally discourage any 22 year old male from pursuing my daughter. Therefore, Harry will not, as a teacher, be involved with one of his students in any romantic way. So that takes Ginny, Luna, and Hermione off the tables. There will be no scenes of Harry raping Ginny to get even with her. Harry has his honor even if he does dwell in the shadows.

    As to Narcissa, yes she is rather two dimensional at this point. She may not get a tremendous amount of character development either, one brief set of insights are planned later in the story. The two of them will continue to be involved though, at least for awhile. That rape scene previously mentioned just might take place with a change in participants. As to Narcissa's personality, I like many men, have spent a good deal of time trying to figure out why it is that so many otherwise 'good' girls are attracted to 'bad' boys. Narcissa is one aspect of what I found out. In short, Narcissa is a brood mare. As such she is constantly seeking out the strongest, most Alpha, male to mate with. For the longest time that was Lucius, even with his cheating he was the most powerful stallion in her circle therefore she sought to be with him. She went with Harry for two reasons: one, to teach Lucius a lesson about cheating on her, and two, to give him the chance to once again prove that he was the strongest stud in the herd. When she was with Harry she enjoyed being treated gently as well as with passion, something I don't personally see Lucius doing and couldn't help but think that if he were to prove himself superior to Lucius then she would be quite happy with him.

    Now Harry is the Alpha male and Narcissa is with him. She will strive to keep that position as well as have him prove his strength, just as she did with Lucius.

    The two NC-17 scenes I have planned both involve Harry and Narcissa, I just hope I can write them as well as I can dream them.

    Narcissa is also the one who, indirectly, drives Harry into action, rather dark action that is. Right now his one and only goal is to see Sirius freed, but that will change.

    Some people are also looking for a more detailed explanation of how Harry managed to change realities like that. Afterall, he was trying to kill himself so how did he wind up moving back in time and across universes. Well, the answer is: beats me. I have no intention of introducing higher powers, such as fate, destiny or god, into this story and so the only explanation I can give is Magic. Sorry if that disappoints anyone.

    Lastly, a good point that people have brought up is why didn't Harry run off in pursuit of his parents when he realized they were alive. I did gloss over this in the story so I will give you this for now, Harry was raised an orphan, he never had parents to look for. In none of the books does he actively seek out information on his parents, even after seeing them in the Mirror of Erised. He is given some tidbits here and there, but he never actively seeks the information. In my story he continues this trend.

    Thank you all for reading my little brain fart.

    BJH
     
    Last edited: Feb 19, 2007
  18. Manatheron

    Manatheron Headmaster

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    Sweet! Kudos to BioPlague For getting the Author here! Now it's your job to get Him/Her to keep coming back :D

    Edit: Incidently BJH (Just in case you ever read this thread again) BioPlague is very capable of taking care of himself, No worries about trying to protect him.
     
    Last edited: Feb 20, 2007
  19. Brooklynight

    Brooklynight Seventh Year

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    Its a very interesting story once you get past the first two chapters. After that the story becomes a rather good dark Harry story. His character is well done, a bit over powered but still very readable. 4/5
     
  20. The-Hyphenated-One

    The-Hyphenated-One Chief Warlock DLP Supporter

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    New chapter up. The Staff Meeting takes place ooooooohh!!! James and Odysseus bear a striking resemblance don't they? Anyways, overall a good chapter, kinda slow, but need filler. Keep up the good work BJH.
     
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