1. Hi there, Guest

    Only registered users can really experience what DLP has to offer. Many forums are only accessible if you have an account. Why don't you register?
    Dismiss Notice

Complete Perfectly Normal Thank You Very Much by Sorrows - K

Discussion in 'General Fics' started by Sorrows, Jun 11, 2016.

  1. Sorrows

    Sorrows Unspeakable Prestige DLP Gold Supporter

    Joined:
    Jun 17, 2008
    Messages:
    715
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Edinburgh
    High Score:
    1,819
    So I posted a rough version of this story a while ago and slowly tweaked it into something I am fairly happy with in the WIP section. It is my first completed story and while it has its issues I still am glad I wrote it.

    I imagine anyone on here inclined to read this already has, but since I am half way through my next story I thought I'd see if I can get some more feedback on this one. It was a strange thing for me to write since its not really the kind of story I tend to read but there you go.

    Title: Perfectly Normal Thank You Very Much
    Author: Sorrows
    Rating:K
    Genre: Family
    Status: Completed
    Library Category: General
    Pairings: Canon
    Summary: It's twenty one years later and for the sake of his daughter, Dudley is going to have to learn about the wizarding world after all.
    Link: https://forums.darklordpotter.net/showthread.php?t=32686
    https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11994595/1/Perfectly-Normal-Thank-You-Very-Much

    Thanks to @Republic @ScottPress and @foreveryone for helping me to knock (most) of the spelling and grammatical mistakes out of it. Though if anyone spots more please tell me.
     
    Last edited: Jun 12, 2016
  2. Miner

    Miner High Inquisitor

    Joined:
    May 27, 2015
    Messages:
    552
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    East Coast
    So, I read both Rep's version and yours of the Dursleys having a magical child and well... I really loved both of them. I might be slightly biased towards Rep's cuz Daphnez but this..

    This was brilliant. Your writing took the idea so much further and there were parts of the story that really made me think that if Hogwarts were real and I got an acceptance letter that's exactly how the preparation to go would play out. Outstanding characterization, I especially loved the way you wrote Daisy's brothers and Petunia. The petty jealousy is so real, I've seen it so many times and the last part with Petunia...well the entire train scene was magnificent.

    One thing: If Lily is going to Hogwarts it'd actually be twenty-one years later, but thats just something minor.

    Really really enjoyed this one. Would highly recommend. Thanks for writing this.

    5/5
     
    Last edited: Jun 11, 2016
  3. Republic

    Republic The Snow Queen Prestige DLP Supporter

    Joined:
    Sep 1, 2010
    Messages:
    1,884
    Location:
    Germany occupied Greece
    High Score:
    4,495
    Definitely worth a spot. Despite some minor (and easily fixable) technical issues, the premise is inspired and the execution fantastic.
     
  4. Red

    Red Groundskeeper

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2008
    Messages:
    395
    Easy 5/5. The characterization of Harry and Dudley is perfect. This what the epilogue should have been.
     
  5. Shinysavage

    Shinysavage Madman With A Box Prestige

    Joined:
    Nov 16, 2009
    Messages:
    1,256
    Location:
    UK
    High Score:
    2,296
    One of my favourite new stories of the year so far. There's the occasional slightly clunky line, but it's a really charming story, probably the most convincing of the (few) magic Dursley stories that I've read.

    5/5
     
  6. MoltenCheese

    MoltenCheese Seventh Year

    Joined:
    Jul 20, 2015
    Messages:
    285
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    JSA
    A few mistakes in the summary that you may want to change:

    Its --> It's
    21 --> twenty-one
    Comma between "daughter" and "Dudley".

    Will read and rate once you upload it on FFN, so that I could leave you a few reviews as well ;)
     
  7. ScottPress

    ScottPress The Horny Sovereign Prestige

    Joined:
    Apr 22, 2013
    Messages:
    2,373
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    The Holy Moose Empire
    High Score:
    1,826
    You know what, I'll just quote myself from the WBA thread:

    Imo opinion critiquing this piece is kind of hard because of how good it is. It does pretty much everything like it should be done, so there's isn't anything to sink one's claws into for some hard-hitting criticism. In all honesty it probably won't stay with me like some other fics have, but I don't regret the time I spent reading it or posting about it. Some fics I say, "read it once". This one is more like, "read it once and if this genre is your cup of tea, you'll probably find yourself coming back to it".

    One of the best new fics of 2016, no doubt.

    5/5
     
  8. Sorrows

    Sorrows Unspeakable Prestige DLP Gold Supporter

    Joined:
    Jun 17, 2008
    Messages:
    715
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Edinburgh
    High Score:
    1,819
    You know you guys are being so nice its kind of making me paranoid. But thank you, its a confidence boost that it comes across well.
     
  9. ScottPress

    ScottPress The Horny Sovereign Prestige

    Joined:
    Apr 22, 2013
    Messages:
    2,373
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    The Holy Moose Empire
    High Score:
    1,826
    Why's it making you paranoid? I assure you, there's not a quick-fingered keyboard warrior critic with an axe lurking in your neighborhood, stalking you from afar until the moment you won't be expecting an axe to the skull...

    I swear.

    What I'm saying is, accept the praise, say "no, really you guys, but thank you, you're absolutely right" with an appropriate dose of confidence, you know, not too much so you don't come off as arrogant, just enough to look cool and smothered in sub-zero swagger and run with it!
     
    Last edited: Jun 12, 2016
  10. Zeitgeist

    Zeitgeist High Inquisitor

    Joined:
    Dec 27, 2010
    Messages:
    508
    Location:
    Under the Staircase
    Sorrows, you did a stellar job. Made me smile. Yeah, some grammatical mistakes dotted the piece ("Petunias" vs "Petunia's"), but overall, I loved it. You gave closure to Dudley and Petunia's stories, and you somehow made me care about a little girl called Daisy Dursley who doesn't even exist in canon. Well-done. It's a testament to your deft work with characterisation.

    5/5
     
  11. Eidolonic

    Eidolonic Chief Warlock

    Joined:
    Jul 30, 2007
    Messages:
    1,586
    I was caught by surprise by how much I enjoyed this.

    Experiencing the magical world for the first time again through Dudley's eyes reminds me of why I fell in love with the world in the first place.

    Your Harry in particular is fantastic. All the characters are, even if they're a little flat due to the nature of it just being 10k words - Amanda is still fine, and is a suitable concerned but caring mother.

    It's just... a fun story. The pacing is good, with a mix of levity and addressing the problems with he magical world, and the themes of family.

    Maybe it's because it's 5 am and I haven't slept, but this gave me the warm and fuzzies in a way a story hasn't in a long, long time.

    Thank you for it.
     
    Last edited: Jun 12, 2016
  12. Newcomb

    Newcomb Headmaster

    Joined:
    Sep 28, 2013
    Messages:
    1,086
    Location:
    The Evergreen State
    So this is really good.

    It starts in such an organic way. Simple problem, simple setup. Everything simple, clean, and just resonating with canon flavor.

    You can almost draw a straight line between the last scene with Dudley in it in canon and this phone call. It just... fits. Like you're flipping open a new chapter to a dusty old book. The same, but different. It's a real strength of the piece.

    The key, I think, is how you stay firmly planted in Dudley's head throughout the entire thing. It really lets that sense of "everything old is new again" flow through organically and strongly.

    The way certain beats from canon are contextualized, filtered through a lens, then recontextualized is fairly stunning.

    Maybe stunning is the wrong word? Because the story doesn't sock you in the gut. It's understated in a very well-done way. The writing just... gets out of its own way in a very clean, very pleasing manner.

    For example:

    It's one of those little things I'd never have thought of: "oh, yeah. Dudley's experience with magic was kinda shit, wasn't it? Pig tail, huge tongue, Dementors. Not exactly a great trifecta."

    So not only is it a neat little insight, the writing doesn't shove it in your face or try to preach to you about it. It's just... there. Organic. Part of the story, but not overdone or overwrought.
    Sorrows - you seem to have an instinctive knowledge of when to pull back, when to let things just be, well, not unsaid, but under-said. This is a fantastic, wonderful skill that's almost impossible to teach. So, good on ya.

    I just kept thinking, "oh, of course." It fits. Everything fits. The small touches, like (what I'm assuming is) Sirius's bike are just wonderfully done.

    God I love this beat so freaking much. Resonance. Insight. Canon echoes. And the paragraph still drives the plot of this story, it's still doing work. It's not just self-indulgently pointing out this cool little insight, it's actually utilitarian too.

    I love the details. The bartender who James has a crush on, for one random example. It just really feels like the author is very comfortable in their own mind with the tone and tenor of the world they're shaping here, and nothing feels forced.

    Even something as small as this little bit:

    ... tells us so much about Ron, without him saying anything at all.

    You get the sense that the post-canon world is fully realized, living and breathing and huge, and we're just seeing a part of it through Dudley's eyes. It's a narrow-angle lens, with a real sense of a wide-angle world through these very apt, very spot-on details.

    Like that detail. God damn. You inject more sympathy and pathos into two sentences there than I've seen a lot of angsty broody fics do in like 25,000 words. Hat's fucking off for that bit.

    So, yeah.

    All in all this is fantastic. It does exactly what I'm sure you meant it to do, and it does it in a way that's both satisfying, and has no wasted motion. Which is probably the most difficult thing to do as a writer.

    So obviously:

    5/5

    ___


    (PS the typos don't really matter but there are enough of them that they're a Thing, if a minor one. You're probably on it already, but a random kinda subtle one that stuck out to me a few times:

    "bear" vs. "bare". You used the second one a few times and it's the first one.)

    Cheers, Sorrows. Best thing I've read in a while.
     
  13. coolname95

    coolname95 First Year

    Joined:
    Aug 4, 2015
    Messages:
    43
    Location:
    Finland
    Enjoyed it quite a bit. Once or twice I felt like some of the dialogue was clunky, but now looking back I can't even remember where I noticed that. It's a well written Dudley, sort of in line with the Dudley we saw in the later books (after Harry had saved him from the dementors) - it's how I'd expect him to eventually grow up. 5/5 from me.
     
  14. James

    James Professor

    Joined:
    Jan 22, 2015
    Messages:
    463
    I liked it. There are some grammatical errors I think I've noticed, such as missing commas and what seems like bad punctuation (e.g.: "Can we go, dad.?" in third chapter, quidditch pitch scene.), but those might not be actual errors, but just something I do not know (not my first language).

    And, there were few immersion breaking moments, reactions (which, to be perfectly honest, I acknowledge as my pet peeves. They may be okay):

    • Hermione blushing when Dudley completes her though with "little shit" in third chapter
    • Ginny's "playful swipe" in fourth chapter
    • Harry blushing ("going red") in fourth chapter, bit later

    Those reaction not only seem all wrong, but are starkly unsubtle compared to mentioned awesome visual with old lady giving Harry a flower.

    4/5 from me, and job very well done.
     
  15. Johnnyseattle

    Johnnyseattle Order Member DLP Supporter

    Joined:
    Oct 25, 2011
    Messages:
    810
    Location:
    Cascadia
    You said more and conveyed more in that short story than most can manage in 300,000 words, and it was all perfectly done. One of those stories that I know deep down is the perfect length, but I want more of it anyway, even if it would diminish it.

    Easiest 5/5 I've seen in a long time.
     
  16. gokieks

    gokieks First Year

    Joined:
    May 31, 2015
    Messages:
    49
    Minor grammatical errors aside, it's a story with a fairly unique and interesting premise, executed stupendously well. The characterizations are spot-on, and as Newcomb mentioned, the way the story hints at the state of the bigger wizarding world and what's happened in the time since the conclusion of the war, all the while focused on a rather narrow piece of it, is extremely impressive.

    5/5.
     
  17. Ignisglace

    Ignisglace Squib

    Joined:
    May 31, 2016
    Messages:
    6
    High Score:
    0
    Highly enjoyable loved the work had few minor technical issue but a part from that the story flowed fantastically. I loved how we see the changes in Duddley as a character and the various hints on the affects the aftermath of the war had on the wizarding world.

    5/5
     
  18. Silly

    Silly Second Year

    Joined:
    Oct 12, 2015
    Messages:
    66
    High Score:
    0
    This is a really cute fic, and I definitely enjoyed reading it. I think the story's biggest strength is the level of immersion it brings. There are plenty of small details and character reactions that let you feel like you're really living in the Harry Potter world, years after the events of the books. You see how the world has progressed and you see how people have matured. Despite the story being so short, it does a much better job of worldbuilding/immersion than many fics much longer than it.

    4.5/5 for me. Chapter 3 felt a little bit contrived to me, (I wrote up a few lines about why I felt so but then I realized that it wasn't really a review so I'll just go post my thoughts in the WbA thread instead) but besides that the story is very, very high quality. Definitely looking forward to more stuff from the author.
     
  19. Shouldabeenadog

    Shouldabeenadog Auror

    Joined:
    Sep 3, 2010
    Messages:
    614
    Location:
    Cleveland
    5/5.

    I had fun reading this. Actual smile at the computer screen and read that line over again because it made me feel happy fun. I will be watching for more in the future. The reflective narration you get in without actually writing, the unsaid words and gaps are well done.
     
  20. Ched

    Ched Da Trek Moderator DLP Supporter

    Joined:
    Jan 6, 2009
    Messages:
    6,166
    Location:
    Mississippi
    It's a lot smoother than it was the first time I read it ages ago in WbA, and certainly worth a slot in the library.

    I stand by my original comment in WbA that there's not a lot to it... but that's okay. You did a good job of writing what you set out to write, even if it didn't blow me out of the water.

    Perfect length for it - you didn't rush it nor did you let it drag out. We got cameos from Ron and Hermione and some good characterizations for everyone.

    4.5/5, but rounding down - Fantastic first go at writing fanfiction.
     
    Last edited: Jun 19, 2016
Loading...
Similar Threads
  1. ip82
    Replies:
    26
    Views:
    10,952