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Oneshot 'Point Game' by Silens Cursor - T

Discussion in 'Romance' started by Silens Cursor, Nov 23, 2011.

  1. Silens Cursor

    Silens Cursor The Silencer DLP Supporter

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    Title: Point Game
    Author: Silens Cursor
    Rating: T
    Genre: Humor / Romance
    Words: 4,882
    Published: November 10, 2011

    Status: Oneshot
    Library Category: either Humor or Romance or General, I really don't know with this one
    Pairings: Harry/Tonks, implied Harry/Ginny
    Summary: Harry and Tonks have a conversation, and it turns into something more.
    Link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7539035/1/Point_Game

    Yeah, so I figured I'd try to get this into the library, considering the positive response it's gotten both in Work By Author and on fanfiction.net. I cleaned up some of the inconsistencies from Work by Author, so you'll want to check out the link above for the best version of the fic.

    As it is... well, this story is weird, even to me. I still don't know where I personally stand on it. The tone is heavily inspired by 'Community', and a lot of the humor is drawn in that light, but I still can't decide whether this is actually worth a damn or not. As it is, it's probably the closest I'm going to get to a 'meta-fanfiction' (and I feel stupider just writing that phrase), and certainly a fun example of artistic hubris, but I could be completely wrong and it's the worst piece of bullshit I've ever written. I really don't know here - I'm not a good judge of my own work, particularly when it comes to humor.

    Also, on a side note, this is NOT tied into my 'Silence/Temptation Game' continuity - in fact, it's probably the closest thing to canon I've ever written.

    But, if I'm completely honest with myself, I think this story is good enough to break into the Library. The writing is strong, I think I captured the tone for the dialogue I was looking for very well, and I hope DLP agrees.


    Checked by Minion, March 4, 2013
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 3, 2013
  2. Provis

    Provis Second Year

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    I think that this captured the tone of the Community well, while still managing to feel like a piece from canon. The conversation flowed well enough, and the humor worked. All in all, it is definitely a nice oneshot, and an easy 4/5.
     
  3. Another Empty Frame

    Another Empty Frame Fake Flamingo DLP Supporter

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    Humor not Romance I feel. I liked how this really covered a lot of ground, it really went in depth on the characters. I found myself able to take it semi seriously, a major achievement on the part of Silens
     
  4. Arrowjoe

    Arrowjoe Auror

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    Definitely Humor dude. Pretty funny shit all the way through. 4/5
     
  5. Padfoot85

    Padfoot85 Sixth Year

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    This is just so full of win. Tonks' characterization was almost spot on how I have always imagined her and Harry interacting. The whole flirty and somewhat crossing the line, but knowing all along that it wont happen. And her sense of humor as well. It also wonderfully takes jabs at the token Tonks cliches in fanon. Also a great feeling on how Harry should have behaved post Voldemort with the whole 'I am God' bit. Another amazing story Silens.

    All in all...if this doesn't make it into the library, I'm setting a few things on fire

    5/5
     
    Last edited: Nov 24, 2011
  6. Republic

    Republic The Snow Queen Prestige DLP Supporter

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    Go Humour. It's not romance if it's between Harry and his
    subcoscious
    ... or is it?
     
  7. Darth V

    Darth V First Year DLP Supporter

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    To be really honest, I don't know if this is Library material. And by "don't know", I really mean I don't know. Not because of the fic itself, but the Library standards have been kinda strange lately.

    The entire setting is pretty good and Harry and Tonks are very well written. But the whole 'dream' thing... well, it wasn't good. Even using the Stone would be better, IMO (of course, some things would have to change and all that). And even though this is just one of the criteria, I feel like it somehow spoiled the rest of the fic. At least for me.

    I don't know. Judging by Silence Game, you could have done better. I don't think this fic reflects fully your abilities as an Author, even though, as I said before, the characterization is pretty amazing.

    But I'm think I'm missing the point. The characterization is pretty awesome (Tonks specially), the writing is solid and the only problem I had was the dream thing I said above. 3.5/5 rounded up to a 4/5.
     
  8. Richard

    Richard Supreme Mugwump

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    Loved it. 5/5 from me.
     
  9. SmileOfTheKill

    SmileOfTheKill Magical Amber

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    It felt like you were trying too hard the entire time.

    Every part of the dialog was perfectly snappy. Even when you attempted to say they went off track by adding random ends of the joke with the penis comments to show they had no clue how to respond, well it still felt too artificial. One could say the tone is because it is a dream but I don't give a damn about the framing device if I just don't enjoy the writing. It was too serious in the attempt at being funny that it just ended up being unfunny.

    The 'meta-fanfiction' of it didn't help as well though.

    2/5.
     
  10. Darth V

    Darth V First Year DLP Supporter

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    Have to agree with SmileOfTheKill. May change my rating later.
     
  11. Inverarity

    Inverarity Groundskeeper

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    Although your prose is generally competent, you really need to learn some basic rules of good writing, particularly regarding dialog. You have almost every single line of dialog tagged with a facial expression, a nod, a shrug, a head tilting or shaking, a grin, a sniff, a smirk, etc.

    and/or "said + [adverb]"

    and/or a gazillion different replacements for "said." Pointed out, pursued, grumbled, murmured, interrupted, replied, retorted, corrected, concluded, etc. etc.

    and/or - even worse - "[replacement for 'said']" + [adverb]" (asked brightly, chuckled softly, replied wearily... I think I counted over half a dozen "replied wearily/calmly/tersely/wryly/dryly/etc.")

    This is writing 101. You can use dialog tags and adverbs and emotive expressions sparingly, but when you use them constantly, it makes the dialog sound overheated and frantic, the characters twitchy. It's right up there with writers who haven't yet learned not to lade every single verb and noun phrase with a modifier, so you read about cerulean skies glowing darkly above the mossy wind-swept stone towers of Hogwarts...

    It was hard for me to get past the punchy overwrought dialog to get into the story, which was... okay, kind of amusing but mostly just trying too hard to be cute.
     
  12. Jarik

    Jarik Chief Warlock

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    I'd agree with what Inverarity said. Especially towards the start, the repeated dialogue adverbs felt really annoying. An example would be:
    Cutely? Just feels forced. And as Inverarity said, it feels like their emotions are jumping all over the place.

    I think as I started getting through it stood out less - but that could also be me skimming over those parts.

    As for the actual dialogue. It had some good (and humorous) parts in isolation, but as a whole, felt a bit forced, and random. It didn't sort of flow naturally.

    I did like the last section, where they actually start talking about Harry's issues. In particular, this line
    Stood out as being pretty cool.

    If it was in a feature length fic - and maybe some of it was cut down- it wouldn't be that bad, but I don't think it was good enough for a one-shot where the entire focus is that. 3/5.
     
  13. iLost

    iLost Minister of Magic

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    I gave my thoughts in the WBA thread, and they are still the same. The dialogue flowed damn well between the two.

    Didn't feel twitchy and their dialogue wasn't just two people talking, it flowed from one topic to the next. I smiled and laughed. Characterisation I found strong on both ends as well.

    Not sure about the premise, would think it would work better if not a dream. That held up one-point. So 4/5 from me.

    @Invarirty. As to being too cute, from what I understand, that would be the Community inspiration.