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Productivity, Burnout, and Survival of the Fittest

Discussion in 'Real Life Discussion' started by Solfege, Apr 2, 2019.

  1. awinarock

    awinarock Fourth Champion

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    I think the real issue is that the media has poisoned the idea of what it even means to be "happy" and "content". Like, if you're not a ray of sunshine that poops rainbows out of your ass and don't have your entire life in order, then you're not really happy or content or whatever. I think most people (including myself for the longest time) feel the same way that you do @TMD. They're not overly happy or unhappy, they simply are. They've got things they like and things they don't but nothing that they can truly say they're "passionate" about.

    For what it's worth, I don't think you're fundamentally broken @TMD. I think you're just another young person who's lost and searching for a purpose. The sheer fact that you'd dedicate your life for the betterment of other shows that you're not broken, just different. A broken person wouldn't have even bothered caring.
     
  2. Solfege

    Solfege Headmaster DLP Supporter

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    I'll raise a toast to sources of personal strength, no matter their derivation. That being said, yes and no. Like @TMD, I don't think contentment and satisfaction will ever come, not more than the briefest of moments, for certain kinds of people. Melancholia and dissatisfaction, by conditioning or disposition, are long recognised as powerful drivers to creativity and greatness. Think Tesla, an avowed bachelor, or Lincoln who, as a grieving young man, would willingly have died but for having "done nothing to make any human being remember he had lived." You have a deeper point, though, that reflects on the necessity to, in Lincoln's own words, give his mind "rest from that intensity of thought, which will some times wear the sweetest idea threadbare and turn it to the bitterness of death."

    There's merit in slowing down to smell the flowers, not necessarily for a superficial pleasure as some people may access [and others may not], but for the reminder that our thinking brain does not exist in isolation; that olfaction feeds into a biochemical complex which buttresses our conscious forms in inconceivable ways. Time repeatedly invested in smelling the flowers may develop an uncommonly skilled discernment for smelling the flowers. Information on novel flower-use thus structured, collected, and spread amongst the populace may lead to demand for a new economic regime, and so the civilisational frontier expands and new wealth* is created.

    Or it might lead to byronic verse. And the daily supplementation of vitamin D, which can be no bad thing.

    * By wealth I mean not money, which is merely a ticket to accessing the collective pool of wealth, but the realisation of overall human experiences given limited resources, time, and sensory throughput.

    It's a rare luxury to do intellectually engaging work and actually be paid for it. Most industry use-cases aren't anywhere near the cutting-edge and optimise instead for mundane business needs and constraints of reliability, cost, and convenience. You can take initiative to push feasibility within that narrow technical band if you're connected to the decision making (your project management and soft skills will privilege your rapid ascension) or, better yet, at a company where the culture actively facilitates innovation. But it's a hunt for suitable opportunities.

    That's why this attitude is so much healthier, and realistic, for the vast majority of people. The idea of work as a passion that imbues life with personal meaning is an absurdity. It's an abandonment of historic common sense. It tracks with the rise of white collar desk work where employees are supposed, in theory, to be constantly surrounded by engaging conversations and luminous colleagues on purpose-laden projects. @TMD @Genghiz Khan @Zel

    Not only is the supply of such work immensely overstated, and the disappointment of lifelong expectations a contribution to the mental health epidemic; but the narrative is a classic manipulation to under-negotiate salary and benefits. Nowhere is this clearer than in the software industry and most abusive in the tech startup arena. Nowhere is the disillusionment clearer than in the overworked prestige professions.

    I am not saying not to pursue position and status. I am saying the pursuit of position and status, if taken, should be taken to further strategic ends. Not out of the blind judgement of one's inherent worth (it's obscene that we denigrate well-paid, AI-proof, working class jobs such as plumbing, especially given the complexity of urban plumbing systems; the evolution of which has saved, on the orders of magnitude, more lives than the totality of the medical profession).

    It is sufficient that the work we do provisions a structurally narrow and societal purpose, instead of one that is personally all-encompassing; that it furthermore provides, for those of us ambitious, the opportunity to leverage resources and institutional powers in creative ways. If modern civilisation is a tripartite of state, market, and civic society, then the fullness of personhood requires a duty to contribute competently to each; making any singular devotion to marketplace work highly disagreeable.

    You're not. Have a read of Venkatesh Rao's essay series on the Gervais Principle or otherwise skip to its denouement — Part VI, Children of an Absent God.His trichotomy is perhaps not to be taken literally nor categorically, is nevertheless an excellent model to work from. The spirit of his observations gelled, for me, instinctively. Certainly I was aware, acutely so as a child, that happiness was not to be a sufficient state of being. These days I prefer to take a purely functional view of the world, and myself a tinkerer in this sandbox.

    I do understand how others might value differently, however. And that suits them as mine suits me. An accounting for what others value is, besides, wholly relevant for the generation of social capital.

    @Nazgus, see, I'm one of those people who never 'got' the point of relaxed, no-stress social interactions. Even the occasional hang out with school friends was like a bad joke, to be endured because it was apparently something people did for the sake of a payoff that never seemed to arrive... now I realise the centrality of social capital, intellectual and otherwise. I mean, of course, participation in conversations of consequence and the sustained exchange of ideas that create threads of trust and relational value.

    A clarification on being "always on" versus being "always on". In the context of burnout, it refers to a sustained RPE 7+.
    [​IMG]

    Superior conditioning dictates superior performance at lower RPE, which maps physiological stress. A marathoner would not sustain higher than RPE 4 for back-to-back endurance runs at perhaps an 8 minute mile pace or, if elite, a 5:30 mile pace. For tempo sessions, he'd intersperse RPE 4 "resting pace" with spurts of RPE 6. More than RPE 7 would be insane, and impossible at full sprint RPE 10. Yet we routinely throw half-trained amateurs into the mental RPE 7+ thresher to try competing against elite RPE 5s. It's toxic and we can do better.

    I, too, can't imagine not going 100+ hours weeks of productive work for the rest of my life (the breadth of what I consider 'productive' might be considerably different from yours). But the level of performance is predicated on continued conditioning which, as I grow older, becomes ever more sensitive to physiological limitations. In youth, the body permits all sorts of abuse; think of a typical college footballer who can party till 2am, scarf down a burger and fries at 3am, and get up at 6am for morning practice.

    Such feats will be virtually impossible by the early-30s. Their white-collar equivalents might see extended performance for a couple decades depending on genetic inheritance, but the likely degradation comes harsh. As one who started pulling effortless all-nighters at 11**, I can no longer stand them well. A disrupted night's sleep will, as one instance, have my eczema flaring up and work definitively suffers.

    In any case, by intelligently controlling for these variables, one may continue incrementing on the efficacy and quality of strategic RPE mediocrity and one's RPE max. The issue comes when the requisite intensity and duration of performance exceeds an appropriate stress threshold. Without a brief reset, the escalatory loss of situational control augurs a road to burnout.

    So don't drink the kool-aid. Keep a steady head, know thyself, and play thy cards with savvy.

    ============

    ** The backstory is, I made the pivotal life decision at eleven and spent a year in a trial akin to Genghiz's IIT crush. My peers who survived, even we who excelled, can vouch for a lifelong standard of gutwrenching acculturation. Classmates have testified that the sheer volume of med school materials a decade later have nothing on the strain of a eleven-year-old's mind being pushed to the limits of critical analysis. I personally found college applications dismissive in comparison.... It is a credit to 'elite curricula' that fully committing oneself into trial-by-fire experiences such as these make for formative growth and lifelong 'club' memberships.

    P.P.S. I like to think these posts have been improving the thread ambience... or not. Anyway, a friend referred me to Logic's latest drop, Confessions of a Dangerous Mind. We're fortunate to live in a time that openly grapples with these issues.
     
    Last edited: Apr 5, 2019
  3. Amekonnen

    Amekonnen First Year

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    Wow I'm basically in the process that you went through just take out I came from considerable means part. How'd did you get through it?
     
  4. Garden

    Garden Minister of Magic

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    Currently in a decent but not great US medical school. Went to a good but not amazing US undergrad college.

    I've always self-identified as a slacker relative to my abilities. I did one of those youth talent identification programs as a kid and did very well-- good enough on the english section of the SAT, as a 12-year old, to have gone to a great university, but not as well on math. Later got a perfect score on the SAT in high school (that doesn't mean as much as it used to 30 years ago because the test ceiling has been lowered a fair amount, so that's probably ~2.5 SD above average) but my grades were too mediocre to get into a Ivy League or equivalent school. Plus I sort of half-assed my college application essays because I just had no motivation to apply, and only my parents and social pressure managed to push me through. So I was definitely a slacker relative to my abilities. Wasn't challenged throughout high school, though I did get a taste of pushing myself on some math competitions-- but I wasn't good at that, so I never really got into them.

    Same sort of pattern in college. I had a full-ride to a good but not amazing school and just sort of fucked around for the first year. Felt sorta happy but had very little inner drive. Decided to try out overcommitting myself to a billion different things because that's what my more productive friends were doing and I figured I would try.

    I morphed from a slacker into a classic American over-achiever who does 100 things but does them all sort of badly, all while being overly stressed out.


    I was the president of a club, co-founder of another, on the e-board of another organization, volunteered and did community service for another club, did (very mediocre and half-assed) science research, and did a more than full course-load. Sometimes I also worked part-time.

    In retrospect, I was probably also trying to fill my days with work so that I could ignore the fact that I had 0 idea what I wanted to do with my life and wasn't very happy with my social situation.

    I never really had good study habits either. I just crammed for stuff last-minute if I didn't enjoy the subject or genuinely enjoyed something and excelled at it. Not great at being diligent about the boring stuff.



    Fast-forward to applying to med school.

    I took the MCAT and did pretty well. However, my school grades were mediocre, maybe even ‘bad’ by med school standards. I was split between wanting to do research, maybe get a PHD, or med school, or maybe just work somewhere for a bit.

    I succumbed to family pressure to do an MD instead of doing a coding bootcamp or a PHD, and I gotta say, I am so happy I listened to my family’s advice/pressure for once. Since I had great extracurriculars and a great MCAT, plus good interviewing/bullshitting skills, I managed to get in even with mediocre grades.



    I love med school. I love learning 5-7 hours a day. I love being surrounded by smart and dedicated people. I love that though there’s some extracurriculars available, there’s much less focus on being a hyper-generalist and doing 10 different activities. I do school, I socialize a ton, I do research when I can, I hit the gym a ton, I read about random medical topics I’m passionate about, and I’m super happy.

    I also finally have a productivity/learning workflow that works for me. It relies heavily on Anki, which is a program that basically schedules your flashcard reviews for you and relies heavily on the principle of spaced repetition, and I try to use my ADD nature to my advantage. I task-switch whenever I get bored—between flashcards with Anki, lecture videos, random science papers I’m reading, socializing with friends at the library, random stuff I’m working on, etc.


    I don’t overcommit to stuff anymore. I just do 2-3 things, I do them well, I practice ‘self-care’ (a phrase I hate—why not just say ‘sanity’ or ‘work-life balance’?) and I have a very active social life. I have some long-term goals I want to strive more towards, which I realized only revealed themselves to me once I met or learned about mentors in medicine whose life in some way I wanted to emulate.


    So there’s light at the end of the meritocratic tunnel.

    But I don’t know if it’s like that everywhere. I have friends at other med school and they seem a lot more stressed out than me. There’s more mandatory scheduled lectures, more internal competition, etc. My school seems to have a nice atmosphere of not too much competitiveness but not complacency either. Or I might have just burned out so much on that in undergrad that I don’t even notice the overachievers buzzing all around me.

    Anyways.

    In retrospect, I would have been more focused and less overcommitted in both high school and college. I liked STEM from an early age—I should have dropped other club commitments in high school that I did out of a sense of obligation and just worked on a few things, but worked on them well. Same thing in college. More time studying cool subjects and talking to smart professors and less time spent on, in retrospect, completely useless student organizations would have been great. I wish I'd said no to club commitments and tried really excelling at a few subjects.

    But, I’m in a pretty good place in life right now, with a decent idea of how to aim myself towards future achievement, and the mythical but real increase in conscientiousness that occurs in early 20’s is finally kicking in for me.


    Things are looking up.
     
  5. Johnnyseattle

    Johnnyseattle Death Eater DLP Supporter

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  6. sonder

    sonder Second Year

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    This doesn't work for everyone but I've been using a system like this (based on a ranked list of things I find hard and easy) to do things. I've slipped off this for a few days and what would you know?

    Productivity: Down
    Stress: Elevated
    Jobs: Not applied to

    I'm forcibly removed from my nest of blankets.


    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]
    https://www.instagram.com/p/BcjNYl5gp2h/
     
  7. Zerg_Lurker

    Zerg_Lurker Order Member DLP Supporter

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    Positive images like that and others I've found on Wholesome Memes have really helped buttress my mental health at times, but ultimately the only useful bit of internet advice I can give, endorse, and subscribe to, is that if you are struggling then you should see a professional be they psychiatric or counseling. Assuming your insurance covers it, for my fellow Americans.

    My experience is similar to a lot of those shared here, though I find myself in the odd limbo of not-quite slacker not-quite overachieving burnout. Spoiler alert: The middle road is also fucking miserable.

    My parents immigrated from China with my older brother and I was born here, so right off the b(o)at there was a world of distance and disconnect. They pushed us both to excel with weekend and summer tutoring and extracurriculars like piano. He lived up to, and exceeded, my parents' expectations while I, to my great folly, tried to keep up with his example despite being 4 years younger and bearing the weight of their neglect and emotional abuse.

    Looking back, I'd been exhibiting signs of childhood depression from a very young age, difficult as it might be to distinguish from generic tantrums and introverted/antisocial tendencies.

    Through elementary (1-5) school I stayed in the "Talented and Gifted" class and was recognized even among my peers as one of the smart kids. I excelled at math because the money my mom put towards private tutoring kept me ahead of the curve, and I excelled at writing because I had a genuine love of reading, and an eye for grammar and syntax from recognizing what sounded "good" and correct. My love of science was stoked by Bill Nye and other shows on PBS.

    Around middle school, my resentment and resistance towards tutoring started coming to a head. At a certain point I successfully fought off my mom's attempts to make me go to Saturday school; I was enough of an obstinate little shit that they didn't want me there ruining it for the other kids and she was just going to keep burning money. Plus our family is Cantonese, what use is learning Mandarin?

    Towards the end of 8th grade I had my first suicidally depressive episode as the mountain of stress came crashing down after not turning in the final math project. I coped with dissociation and humor, stumbling upon the Ten Minute Suicide Guide by David Wong back when he wrote for PointlessWasteofTime before it merged with cracked.com. I was firmly average at that point, though still trying hard when it came to tests enough that I was around the top percentile of rattata average students and tested into one of the top public high schools in NYC.

    In comparison, my older brother left the public school system in 7th grade and started attending a prestigious private k-12 prep school through Prep for Prep, running cross country and doing Yearbook before matriculating to Princeton. I had a similar chance based on my test scores but didn't make the cut past the interview round.

    I coasted through high school with minimal effort, forsaking math as it wasn't relevant to my ambition of being a lawyer. Around junior year I began having nervous breakdowns and major depressive episodes basically at the end of every semester. Got 5s on my APs, ~2100 on my SATs and decent B+/A- level grades that reflected the excessive effort I put towards them, in contrast to my peers who were largely swept in a plagiarism epidemic (homework passed around and copied 2-3 periods worth of a given teacher's class), but I participated in no extracurriculars aside from mock trial in my senior year because peer pressure from a friend and a firm suggestion from the teacher I liked and respected. I went to school, went home, did homework, played a fuckton of Maplestory and read a shitload of fanfic (Hi DLP).

    Suffice to say, I did not get into Princeton. Or really any school that I applied to, considering how badly I procrastinated on applications and the shit job I did presenting myself through the essays.

    I ended up in the Honors Program of a local 4 year college, full of career-driven but otherwise ambivalent folks. In a way, I looked down on everyone treating college as a stepping stone to a well-paying job, while I, an intellectual, strove to enrich myself academically. I was still hanging on to the delusion that as long as I got good grades I would fare well in the job market despite the ongoing recession and all the other evidence of how the real world works.

    Fast forward two years, two incomplete courses and five more nervous breakdowns, I happened upon a friend from elementary school. What struck me from our conversation was his blunt, "Wow, you look terrible, man." It was the wake up call I needed to, at the very least, remove myself from a toxic home environment, leading me to transfer to one of the state universities. Through the fencing club I joined there, I found some of my best friends, met my girlfriend, built a support network of a surprising number of kindred spirits, and started building some of the social skills and soft skills that I believed stunted or completely nonexistent.

    Another disaster of a medically withdrawn semester later, I was able to get professional help for my long-ignored depression in part thanks to a professor who noticed some warning signs, to whom I will be forever thankful.

    IT isn't so much a calling as it is something I find myself willing to do and interested enough to pursue for realsies. I derive satisfaction from solving technical problems and helping/astonishing clients who don't know how to compooter, but it's a far cry from the notion of sustained happiness or fulfillment/meaning.

    I'm just about five years removed from undergrad now and being currently unemployed, I haven't achieved anything so I can't speak to 80-hour workweek burnout, nor the satisfaction of low ambition but secure employment. Were circumstances different I think I would have made a fantastically cantankerous public defender/corporate shill or easy going plumber/what have you, but sometimes life deals you a hand of literal shit you've got to wash off before you get to play gin rummy with the adults.

    Only somewhat joking, but what the fuck kind of weird silver dollar pancake based trauma did you experience that makes you believe everything has two sides?
     
  8. Arthellion

    Arthellion Dark Lord

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    @Zerg_Lurker I was banned from DLP.
    /s.

    On a serious note, I agree there is a spectrum, but those seem to be the extremes that I have observed.
     
  9. Giovanni

    Giovanni God of Scotch

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    My burnout started in high school. I went from being an honors student who played three instruments and a different sport each season to turning in a grand total of three homework assignments my Junior year and one homework assignment my senior year. Oh yeah, also all sorts of depression. Participated in a couple debate clubs, captained the robotics team. Earned the unrelenting enmity of a number of teachers and administrators because of various activist-y things I'd done (helped organize a student walkout to protest the Iraq War, signed all the other smart kids up to take the ASVAB - all of us wrecked that thing, poor recruiter wasted a day trying to get us to join, forced the school to start recycling by calling in a group of people who spent the 80s as ecoterrorists and the early 00s as attorneys.) No regrets there. Did I mention the depression and anxiety? Yeah pretty much all of that was, in one way or another, a reaction to one of those two things.

    Somehow, I managed to graduate from high school with just over two semester's worth of college credits in spite of how much I was slacking on the school work part of school. Thankfully, my dad just kind of rolled with it the time I skipped going to school for a month to read Harry Potter fan fiction (thanks, early DLP!) Still not entirely sure how someone kept that from being truancy legally speaking. I would like to point out that in the aftermath of this period, my test scores did not suffer at all. I regard this as more proof that if you can't keep up in an American High School, you're probably an idiot or have undiagnosed mental health issues worse than my diagnosed ones.

    College was boring for me. Due to my serial refusal to do homework assignments (worth 30% of my overall grade) during my last two years of high school - in between my extra curricular activities, life, and general disdain for pointless busywork there wasn't time - I graduated with a C+ average. In spite of this, I managed to get into a pretty good private liberal arts college (thanks, rest of my fucking application packet, go fuck yourselves Kenyon and UPenn.) While there I had fewer graded homework assignments and a correspondingly higher GPA. I ran several student organizations on campus, was an active member in several others, had several majors, got into the Phi Beta Kappa honor society, graduated with the better part of the coursework for an MA completed (literally just needed to pay them 30k and write a thesis and I would have had it), was on the debate team that made a pretty nice regional tournament run, kept up all the activist-y stuff (now with bonus unpaid internships!), and was involved with starting up a right wing think tank.

    Oh yeah, also maxed out on allowed credits over the summer. Throughout my time in college, as many from that era of DLP will remember, I drank so much that I am shocked I did not die. Multiple professors told me that I needed to stop coming to class with a coffee cup that smelled like hard liquor. They were probably right. I ignored all but one of them. With the better part of a decade to look back on, and drinking reduced to the point where it is only the very upper limit of what could be considered social, this was probably a very ineffective coping mechanism for stress.

    As for how this has impacted my career, if not for burnout I would probably have pursued an academic or legal career and committed suicide at some point in my 20s either by getting careless with how I chose to self-medicate with various spirits or through some sort of conscious choice. Instead, I ended up in political organizing, then political consulting, and real estate investment. I do a lot of the manual labor on the properties I've acquired since it's healthy for me to do that, and the community involvement helps give a bit of purpose. But to be honest, everything now is incredibly boring and more than a little bit unsatisfying. My days are a routine of staying up too late, waking up too early, reading to/playing with my son for an hour each morning before daycare/each night after daycare so he doesn't turn out stupid, and some combination of chores, woodworking, and the shit that pays my bills.

    But this is a productive cycle, my next crash eight months to a year from now is going to be terrible since knowing my usual pattern I'll go all in on an election as part of an effort put it off until November 2020. It will kind of work, but probably only just enough to make my December 2020 - April 2021 (i.e., hiring season for the cushy official side jobs) completely fruitless.
     
    Last edited: Apr 9, 2019
  10. Zel

    Zel Professor

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    Here I am, back to the most depressing corner of the internet.

    So, I said I went looking for professional help and today was my first session with the therapist. It was nice; it'd been some time I could experience first-handly a competent session of psychotherapy.

    Anyway, I won't go into many details, but I did learn some interesting things. For one, I never considered myself anxious, and people around me remark all the time how zen I look at any given situation. I have no trouble speaking in public, not afraid of tests or starting conversations and I don't have the typical physiological symptoms - tachycardia, accelerated breathing, chest-pain and such. However, I did have plenty of trouble sleeping and am spending some time dreading failure to reach standards I'm starting to hold myself to these days. Yeah, no matter how reasonable and warranted I feel that fear is, they're symptoms of anxiety and red flags for a bigger problem and I realized that the more I described my situation and talked to her.

    As for the 'prognostic', I'm a lazy ass who drops things if they are too easy and shirks away when they get too effort-consuming, even when I like doing them (my words, not hers). That's part of the anxiety problem - wanting results fast and with little to no effort-spent. My friends and family probably would be surprised that I, of all people, am anxious. Hell, I frequently wished I'd get more anxious about things, feel the pressure lighting a fire under my ass to get something - anything - done. Never worked, but for some reason, I kept hoping. Kinda feeling like an idiot, because it was right in my face and I missed it.

    Now, I have to start registering my automatic thoughts in a 'thought record'. They are usually warning signs of the bigger problem and, if dysfunctional, can affect negatively quality of life. More useful and realistic thoughts will lead to a better overall mood and a more productive me. They are also the clues I need to uncover my core beliefs and, well, I'll know what to do when I get there. Hopefully.
     
  11. Arthellion

    Arthellion Dark Lord

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    Well, figure it's time to share my story...

    Imagine for a moment a five year old alone in a room filled with machines. He observes these machines and interacts with them consistently, but to him they are simply objects. Unknown to the young boy, these machines are in actuality other human beings. They feel just as he does. They have emotion just as he does...but he cannot empathize. It is impossible for him to connect with them on an emotional level. To him...they are truly machines.

    That was my early life. I seriously struggled to connect with others. That said, I was really good at faking "having it all together." My father was a pastor for many years so I grew up going to church. I think I internalized the need to always "appear perfect" even if I wasn't as a result of the pressures from Church people. I will say positively, my mom and dad never pushed that one me themselves. They always took the stance they would love me no matter what and didn't care whether I lived up to other's expectations. That helped, but not enough. I still internalized the need to perform.

    In this time I developed a relationship with God and I would say I was saved at an early age. In school, I was an all A student, but I didn't really try.

    Fast forward to being a fifteen year old teenager. Still an all A student, but begin to experience panic attacks from the pressure of trying to perform and be perfect. The inability to emotionally connect with other human beings is still there. I began to have panic attacks at school and simply could not function. Despite having all As, I just couldn't go anymore. I was diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome and depression.

    So, I got my GED and began attending counseling sessions. I started college and did it for a year, but by 19, I was failing all my classes and not even going to class. It wasn't that I didn't understand the material, it was just lack of work ethic. This is where I went off the deep end imo.

    Porn had always been there since I discovered it as 6, but began excessively sleeping around. Hurt alot of people with my actions, but I didn't really care. Sex became the only way i could emotionally connect with people. During that time I really walked away from my faith. Didn't stop believing in God, but blamed him for the pain in my life.

    At the age of twenty-two, I met an older man who was a counselor and pastor. I thank God for him. I learned alot from him and managed to mostly break free from my sex addiction though that took several more years. Went back to college at 24 and will be graduating this may. Getting married later this september. I can now emotionally connect with others apart from sex which is awesome and my relationship with God is a constant source of strength.

    So those are postives. Still struggle with the stress though. I brought my GPA up from a 2.0 to a 3.7 over the past three years, but the anxiety of classes is still a struggle.

    Anyways, that some insight into my struggles.
     
  12. sonder

    sonder Second Year

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    Just speaking as someone a bit further on than you, you're going to get there if you stick with it. I've been in therapy for a while now and I've improved dramatically. I used to have panic attacks where I would scream until I couldn't breathe and passed out. Just today, I stopped one from happening at all because I, like you are doing now, learned to identify those triggers and early warning signs. It really opened my eyes.
     
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