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Abandoned Queens Of Darkness, Ladies Of Light by Thalarian (Myself) - M/NC-17

Discussion in 'Restricted Section' started by Thalarian, Aug 8, 2006.

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  1. Thalarian

    Thalarian Seventh Year

    Dec 26, 2005
    Title: Queens Of Darkness, Ladies Of Light
    Author: Thalarian
    Rating: R / NC 17
    Genre: General, Action Adventure, Romance, Horror
    Pairing: Harry/OC's (Some Harry/Fleur)
    Chapters: 2
    Words: 68,087
    Updated: October 20, 2006
    Published: August 7, 2006
    Status: Abandoned
    Summary: Post HBP
    A war, waged by a madman who knew nothing but the hate of others.
    A war that has begun to slowly spread like wildfire throughout the world. Consuming and destroying.
    Harry has lost many he truly loved, but in their stead he pledged justice. As well as revenge.
    But what happens when Voldemort mutely walks by the lines of morale, and desecrates that which Harry most cherishes?
    Could you kill the ones who you so longed to see again?
    Could you kill the people you love most on this earth?
    Family who you've lost once already?
    Even worse, would you become that which you hate most, to save a world that might already be lost? To force others to your power for the sake of triumph?
    To fail is to die.
    To succeed is to live.
    But in the end, will you be a heroic Light Wizard?
    Or another bloodthirsty Dark Lord?
    Link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3092103/1/

    Link: Ficwad

    Link: Box

    This story has been written in response to jon3776's challenge 'Seven Queens Of Darkness, Seven Ladies Of Light'.

    I apologize for not really being an active member on the forums, and hopefully this will spur me to add a bit more. This is my very first venture into writing HP fanfiction, and really only the second fanfic I've ever written.

    One of the main reasons I'm posting here is almost all of the members are very good with dark, independent Harry Potter stories, and in order to capture that essence, I've brought my story up to your guys attention. Any positive feedback in where I may improve (Review either here or in FFNet, preferably FFnet because I check it more often) would be greatly appreciated.

    I know the general hate for Harry/Ginny stories, but since this is a post HBP I only ask you stomach the little bit of flashback fluff the two are privy too. I promise that if you keep reading the chapter, you'll see her get a nice kick to the head :p

    Thanks! I'll try and respond to anyone I can without spoiling future chapters.

    Checked July 24, 2012

    Checked by Dark Syaoran, June 6, 2014.
    Added Ficwad link.

    Chcked by Dark Syaoran, May 20, 2015
    Added Box link.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 24, 2012
  2. Duke of Rothwood

    Duke of Rothwood Professor

    Oct 27, 2005
    Rothwood Castle
    Well I thought it was a good opening, I will wait to pass judgement on it until the next few chapters, but you are off to a good start, looking forward to the rest
  3. Korrosive

    Korrosive Backtraced

    Feb 21, 2006
    Good start, I really enjoyed it. The backstory/flashbacks were a little tedious, I found myself skimming them more than a few times. 5/5 for grammer and spelling. A little more info about the different ladies would be appreciated when appropriate. All in all a decent start, keep it up.



  4. Lord Ravenclaw

    Lord Ravenclaw DLP Overlord Admin DLP Supporter

    Apr 2, 2005
    Denver, CO
    Wonderful start! I absolutely loved the detail and work you've put into this. 5/5
  5. Coyote

    Coyote He howls n' stuff

    Feb 27, 2006
    High enough to see for miles
    Bravo! Seriously, good job. The Goddess Eris approves. Granted, I'm not rating yet, as it's only the first chapter, but as long as the quality doesn't drop, I'm all for giving it a 5/5.

    Now, a question. What's the update schedule gonna look like? Weekly? Monthly? Just give me a picture, here.
  6. TheIllusiveOne

    TheIllusiveOne Raptured to Hell

    Nov 23, 2005
    Los Angeles
    I dunno. The writing was just excellent, but really there are so many aspects that I just find corny, you know? Seer!Luna, Good!Snape, Powerful!Neville, Letter from Dumbledore from beyond the dead, etc. Plus I really don't like how emotional Harry's character is. I know, he's been through all lot, but still it's just not something I like. I really didn't like the duel scene either, fist fighting and wandless magic? As far as your description goes, it really is excellent, however in my opinion your greatest strength is your greatest weakness with how you write. All those dramatic scenes, while interesting, are almost cringe worthy at some points, especially during the scene where we first see all his friends from beyond the dead, it's so predictable and over dramatized, imo. How powerful everyone is also is a bit of a turn off. It's seems like everyone can do all these amazing wandless tricks. It loses its allure when it's so common. At anyrate, it's a good fic so far, 3.5/5.
  7. ip82

    ip82 Prisoner

    Nov 14, 2005
    That's a really nice start. The fights were a bit too kung-fu for my liking and there WERE a few plot-holes (ressurection of madame Bones, Harry picking only females for some unknown reason etc...), but it's still very interesting opener. Looking forward to reading more of this.
  8. Nexus

    Nexus Denarii Host

    Feb 18, 2006
    Strolling along River Styx
    Hmmm......though there are a few cliches but the plot is off to a good start.
    Its a foot in for the DLP library methinks.

  9. DemonDream

    DemonDream Professor

    Jun 20, 2006
    Your closet. Please clean it, I can't move.
    The cliches almost annoy me, but they are written very well, so they don't really count. You did an excellent job on grammar, there were only a few issues with it. The story itself has great potential, and you are doing a good job of writing it. Good job, keep it up.
  10. Olfrik

    Olfrik Seventh Year

    Mar 2, 2006
    It's written very well but much too angsty for my tastes. It feels like a 30.000 word torture session. Voldemort is much too powerful and Harry is a bloody wrack. If this all amounts in the struggle to not become a monster, tainted by the dark magic, it's not worth reading to me.

    I really dont see the plot in this fic. Essentially it sounds like some uber-powerfull people fight and the real struggle is in the emo-spheres where Harry fights the effects of dark magic, anger and hate. The only way I see to make the plot interesting would be to stop the emo stuff and let him become real evil. Then there would be some place for a plot that was not emo-driven.

    Nothing for me but a good read for someone who can stomach that kind of thing.
  11. Ragon

    Ragon Dark Lord

    Nov 8, 2005
    I lived in my mind but I lost my key.
    Its alright. I just couldnt get into it. I wanted too. But I couldnt dont know why.
  12. UnholyWarlord

    UnholyWarlord Fourth Year

    Nov 20, 2005
    The Great Icy wasteland that is known as Canada
    Loved it, its a great start.
  13. Fuegodefuerza

    Fuegodefuerza Minister of Magic

    May 6, 2006
    Fantastic. This was wonderfully written. Absolutely spectacularly written. I really liked it.

    The battle was awesome, if not too extraordinary and kung-fu-ish. Very detailed and original, to the point where I could almost imagine it. The resurrected are very well portrayed, but I would rather have Harry be stronger than the fucking beaver, the whore and the weasel. But, the way you wrote it makes it okay...I guess.

    The only thing that I disliked about this chapter was the fact that Harry got his ass saved by Hermione, Ron, Ginny and Luna before he died, which shows that he needed them for survival. But, you made up for it by making Ginny a complete and total slut, IMO, so, it's all good.

    I'm really looking forward to what happens with the seven witches that Harry resurrects. If you write them with the same quality that you wrote this chapter, then they'll turn out fine. Only, I don't think that you should cover much backstory throughout the story. Maybe just make a small mention of things at appropriate times in the story, like dreams or retellings of stories.

    Great job, I loved it.

    Keep it up, update soon
  14. Skeletaure

    Skeletaure Magical Core Enthusiast ~ Prestige ~ DLP Supporter

    Mar 5, 2006
    United Kingdom
    High Score:
    Wow...that was...long. lol. I'll be honest and say I skipped quite a bit of it, I'll have to come back when I have more time to read it more in detail. But what I did see of it was good, if a bit too original as far as the magic system goes.
  15. zenaku

    zenaku First Year

    May 15, 2006
    Looks real good. Looking forward to reading more. I recognise the last three names. The first name, well, I'm not too familiar with Drow history. I'm guessing that the Darkest Shadow of Eden is Lilith, who according to Jewish myth was Adam's first wife, and the mother of demons. But the 7th one... nope.
  16. CGB

    CGB Auror

    May 7, 2006
    Wow...Very nice start. It's very well written and it seems it has an interesting plot. I won't vote now, because it has only one chapter so far, but I would give it 5/5 stars. But that may change, if the plot isn't really for my liking. Anyway: Keep it up!
  17. Thalarian

    Thalarian Seventh Year

    Dec 26, 2005
    Thanks for the feedback everyone, even those who didn't like it. I had a feeling it was going to be a story that some get into, some don't, and others need a bit more to make their final decision, which is absolutely fine. I can't expect EVERYONE to like what I write.

    Anyways, as far as the cliches are concerned, yeah, I figured there would be some. It's difficult to write something without cliches nowadays, without spending X amount of chapters explaining everything. I'm trying to keep the cliches from getting to out of bounds, and that's why I always ask for an in depth response into what you don't feel for for it.

    IllusiveOne and DemonDream: I can see where the dramatics would make you cringe, and unfortunately, it kind of had to be written that way to make it beliveable. I'll try and tone it down in the future, but with everything that happened at that point, it's not something that I could just skim over and not give some feeling too. But thank you for the input.

    ip and Fuegodefuerza: Sorry that you felt it too 'kung-fu' I actually tried to pull away from doing too much, but I there will be physical fights of similar nature. They probably won't be as drawn out, we'll have to see, but I've always hated the fact that if you take a wizard's wand away, he's useless. There will purely physical fights, there will be pure magic conflicts, and then there will be a mix of the two in future chapters. I just feel I would be limiting myself if I only used magic.
    I can promise that the big reason the fight ended up the way it did, is because of the setting. Glad you guys at least enjoyed it up through that.

    Also the plot holes WILL be explained in future chapters. I know I left alot of things out, but that's only because the more I threw out at once, the harder it would probably be for some to stay up with it. I just wanted to get a base going.

    Thanks to everyone so far, whether you loved it or hated it, at least you took time to read and critique it.
  18. Mercenary

    Mercenary Snake Eater

    Aug 10, 2006
    ... Amazing absolutly amazing. havent read that long of a start in, i dont know how long. Great start, great start. cant wait to see the next chapter if its going to be as long as the first.
  19. bmatsea

    bmatsea Squib

    Dec 27, 2005
    san dog cali
    I thought that it was great... a little confussing at times maybe... but great none the less. looking forward to the rest of it.
  20. Kai Shek

    Kai Shek Supreme Mugwump

    Jun 24, 2006
    Well, the beginning went slow, reading about the deaths of everyone, but the ending made up for it.

    I agree that the duel seemed highely out of place with the many weapons, for it seemed they used weapons more than magic. But, it was still a decently written duel.

    Great Chapter, and am waiting for more.

    Last edited: Aug 11, 2006
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