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Abandoned Rise of the Vongola by FoxboroSalts - M

Discussion in 'Almost Recommended' started by Taure, Jul 22, 2009.

  1. Taure

    Taure Magical Core Enthusiast ~ Prestige ~ DLP Supporter

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    Title: Rise of the Vongola
    Author: FoxboroSalts
    Rating: M
    Status: WIP, 52k words
    Category: The Alternates
    Pairing: Harry/Daphne
    Summary: Harry Potter was rescued from the Dursley when he was ten. Later he learned that he was the heir to one of the most powerful Wizarding Mafia factions, the Vongola family. Harry/Daphne
    Link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5175737/1/Rise_of_the_Vongola

    A wizard Mafia Harry story. Fairly well written with a good update rate (50k words in 18 days). Harry is nicely intelligent and skilled, travels the world until

    he ends up having to go to Hogwarts to compete in the Triwizard tournament. That's where we are now.

    The Harry/Daphne is a bit stupid, a straight copy of Archie from the fic Knowledge is Power, but it's bearable as it's only a lighthearted sideplot and has no impact on the story proper.

    4/5
     
  2. Matian

    Matian Seventh Year DLP Supporter

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    My thoughts exactly. The author even uses the term "love taps", although that might be a common term I don't know about?

    Harry is extremely OOC in the early chapters. Also the whole "good Mafia" thing annoys me a little.

    The humor is great and the OCs weren't Mary Sues, I even found Anna quite interesting.

    3/5
     
  3. royalduke

    royalduke Backtraced

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    The author is just rewriting a anime based on Harry Potter. The story sucked, the mafia sounds un real. The story is well written but Harry is too much OOC, 1.5/5 from me
     
  4. Verse of Darkness

    Verse of Darkness Denarii Host

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    The Vongola Family is the main character's mafia in Katekyo Hitman Reborn!
     
  5. Anarual

    Anarual Seventh Year DLP Supporter

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    Now I started craving vongolas.... ugh, that title is hillarious...!
     
  6. Philly Homer

    Philly Homer What you call elephant cum I call mouthwash

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    Look at the name, it should be obvious.
    I actually saw this a week or so ago in your favorites list, and I was disappointed. Let's start of with the unbelievably smart and sarcastic 10 year old Harry. Combine with the shitty romance (if it can be called that) and this story is bad. Now, let's take a look look at the unrealistic portrayal of the Mafia. I doubt any real acting head wouldn't want the position for himself, instead of giving it to some young kid. The author's attempt at a new trio was even worse. Really, the Mafia doesn't let 10 or 11 year old kids kill anyone. In fact, the kids are usually sheltered from this kind of knowledge until they get into their teenage years. The only character even resembling a real Mafia guy was the Russian until he shot them for training purposes.

    I have always wanted to read a decent Mafia!Harry story, but Rise of the Vongola certainly isn't it.

    2/5

    Oh and I will continue to hope that one day a competent author will write a Wizarding Mafia! Harry story.
     
  7. ZeroTheDestroyer

    ZeroTheDestroyer Auror

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    Well at least Taure is posting something...
     
  8. scaryisntit

    scaryisntit Death Eater

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    Can't say I'm enjoying this. The dialogue is painful, and Harry is drastically out of character at the start of the story - him being different after several years in a mafia family is fine and all, but get it right at the start.

    Then the plot is dull. Skipped after chapter three to nine and I'm still not interested. If the dialogue was better it might be something to read to pass time but it's not even that to me right now. 2/5
     
  9. ulkser

    ulkser Groundskeeper

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    not enjoyable...there are other fics on mafia harry and this one is the most unrealistic. characterization...well there is no characterization to talk about. 1/5
     
  10. vlad

    vlad Banned ~ Prestige ~

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    It's been done. Harry/Daphne no less.
     
  11. Taure

    Taure Magical Core Enthusiast ~ Prestige ~ DLP Supporter

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    That's a Muggle mafia story :p
     
  12. sirius009

    sirius009 Minister of Magic

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    The only bad thing about Cosa Nostra is that the author abandoned it at chapter 8, just as it was getting good.
     
  13. Hue City Ranger

    Hue City Ranger First Year DLP Supporter

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    So this is what the author had to say about DLP commenting on his story.

     
  14. Freelancer

    Freelancer Fourth Year

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    Interestingly, I really enjoy this fic. I mean I can understand what everyone is pointing out about how unrealistic this is and how this resemble japanese manga, but I guess I just enjoy it the way it is, without that much of dark or serious mafia and with more hint of manga in it. Personally, I blame my obsession with Manga for this.

    And Harry/Daphne is always a plus, it would even be better if it is Harry/Fleur/Daphne. XD

    Anyway 3.5/5 with a lot of bias because of the pairing.

    P.S. Author’s Note is really interesting, good things is that he is taking criticism into consideration, but I enjoy his update rate so it's kind of dissappointing that he will take sometime on it.
     
  15. Aekiel

    Aekiel Angle of Mispeling ~ Prestige ~ DLP Supporter

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    Kudos to him for accepting the criticism and taking it into consideration for a rewrite (or whatever). I can't recall many authors who would do the same thing when faced with the fact that their fic ain't the work of genius they thought it was. For example...
    :vorlon

    On topic though, I'm with the majority on this one. The 'criminal organisation' was little more than a seinen wannabe that acted nothing like what a real Mafia would. The most annoying thing though was the accent. If there is a God he would never allow a travesty such as that accent to slip past. It put me off so much that it coloured my view for the rest of the fic. I just can't get past it.

    2/5 for me.
     
  16. The Mysterious Nobody

    The Mysterious Nobody Auror

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    I'm with most of you. not a bad read, not at all, but it needs severe polish.

    Also, the author's use of Italian and Spanish is atrocious and appalling. He should get a beta to translate the sentences for him rather than use an on-line translator.

    3/5
     
  17. MattSilver

    MattSilver The Traveller

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    By the way, the reviews for the Author's Note detailing the intention to take a step back after reading DLP's reviews are hilarious. My favourite quote:

    Amazing stuff.

    Anyways, I've followed this story every now and then and can't say I like it a lot. I mean, it seems overly done in some ways, with the Harry/Daphne pairing and all the super new guardians of Harry's who save him from the Dursleys. I don't know, I just didn't like it that much. Harry coming back to Hogwarts recently has the story pick up a little, but... meh, I guess.

    2.5/5. (A lot like Knowledge is Power in some ways, I definitely got that vibe). More a 2/5 than a 3/5.
     
  18. damen zabini

    damen zabini First Year

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    Yes I think this could have been better, But at lease the guy writing it took time to acknowledge his mistakes and said he plans on "Fixing" the story.


    3.5/5
     
  19. royalduke

    royalduke Backtraced

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    Anyone who gave this story a rating above 2 doesn't know what they are reading. this kind of story has been done before, Harry+Japanese anime=dumb shitty story. I thought everyone realized that after they read daaakath Prince of Darkness, thank god its abandoned!
     
  20. Sesc

    Sesc Slytherin at Heart Moderator

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    ... you are not nearly long enough here to be commenting users instead of stories. I liked Dakaath quite a bit, I didn't like this one so much, but that was because I don't care for mafia!Harry plotlines -- and in either case, I fail to see how I could not 'know what I was reading'. Your pretentiousness, not only in this post, makes me decidedly not amused, your intelligence seems to be below DLP average, and your quota of fail-posts above it. All that leaves me so far not liking you.

    Plus, your avatar says Hermione > Bella.

    TL;DR: STFU and work on your grammar and overall intelligence instead.


    Edit: 3/5, just for you.
     
    Last edited: Jul 28, 2009
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