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WIP Schism by My blue rose - T

Discussion in 'Trash Bin' started by Charlesnaismith, Feb 21, 2015.

  1. Charlesnaismith

    Charlesnaismith First Year

    Joined:
    Feb 12, 2013
    Messages:
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    Location:
    Elsewhen
    Title: Schism
    Author: My blue rose
    Rating: T
    Genre:Adventure
    Status: Work in Progress (Words 11,750)
    Library Category: the Alternates
    Pairings: none
    Summary: Harry Potter knows he is a wizard. He knows he is going to Hogwarts, where he will make friends for the first time in his life. He knows this because the Voice in his head told him so. The Voice says it is Harry from the future but Harry just wishes it would stop trying to take over his body.

    Link: FanFiction.Net

    The premise of this fic reminds me of some of the Harry possessed by Voldemort stories around at the moment. The switch to Harry being possessed by Future Harry is a nice play on the genre.

    While the author has some odd opinions on their profile page the story so far is a refreshing take on the peggy sue genre. The world otherwise is pleasantly in character and the conflict and compromises between Harry and Future Harry drives the story in a satisfying way.

    4/5

    I am aware that the story is still quite short and has no end currently in sight. Frankly I would prefer to give people the option of reviewing rather than not find the story at all.
     
  2. Ferdiad

    Ferdiad Unspeakable

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    Well about half the fic is just Harry shopping in Diagon alley and we're only just reaching Hogwarts now. Still it was pretty interesting.
     
  3. Stan

    Stan Order Member

    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2014
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    838
    There is hardly anything to rate here. The premise is interesting, but very little has happened so far. What is there is decent, but so far it looks to be a canon rehash with very little conflict.

    I feel this would have been a better fit in the Almost Recommended thread, but no one has used it since the change in rules.
     
    Last edited: Feb 21, 2015
  4. Radmar

    Radmar Disappeared

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    I didn't make it past trunk shopping.There are some spelling mistakes and other grammar errors. If I had to rate, I would rate 2/5, but I won't.
     
  5. Nauro

    Nauro Headmaster

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    Almost recommendable at best.

    A textbook example of how a good starting idea does not a good story make. 2/5
     
  6. potterheadcharles

    potterheadcharles Third Year

    Joined:
    Aug 30, 2014
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    103
    The idea is sound. Very interesting, in fact. However, there isn't much to tell about the direction this will take as of now. There are several spelling and grammar mistakes throughout.

    The author is trying to avoid cliches but it isn't in a way that's interesting. For eg. Harry still goes to buy a trunk but instead of the feather light charm, she just changed it to weight-less charm or something like that. I was also quickly getting irritated by the 11 year old Harry for some reason.

    2.5/5 rounded off to 3/5 just for the idea.
     
  7. Ched

    Ched Da Trek Moderator DLP Supporter ⭐⭐

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    First paragraph spelled Dursley as Dursly. That's a red flag in the first sentence. I know everyone gets the spelling wrong sometimes, but if it's this early on it leaves a bad taste in the mouth and implies the author posted an early draft.

    I'm continuing though, b/c the premise does sound interesting.

    ...and it is decently interesting, but that's about all I can say for it. Older!Harry is inside his younger self's head, but he wasn't able to wrest control permanently. So Younger!Harry is the protagonist with Older!Harry in his head, and the older version can occasionally take control.

    Story is <12k long, which means imo it's too early to put this in for review. Also Author's Notes at the start of Chapter 7 state that this story is going to now be updated quarterly. Every three months. Given that the chapters so far have been, on average, less than 2000 words long that's not particularly impressive.

    If I had to rate it now I'd say 3/5, but it really is too early. They've only just gotten on the Hogwarts Express, so it's impossible to tell if this is going to be a canon rehash or an original take on things. I'm guessing the former.
     
  8. Alindrome

    Alindrome A bigger, darker mark Moderator DLP Supporter

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    It's a fun idea with a very not fun implementation. The writing is very bland and the interaction between young and old Harry feels so lifeless. The young Harry mostly does everything he can to not obey the voice in his head, which is understandable in many ways but often a bit frustrating.

    I'd give this a 2/5. The only thing that makes you want to read more is the hope that the writer will pull off the idea - which I don't think is going to happen. It feels like a canon rehash in the making.
     
  9. esran

    esran Professor

    Joined:
    May 19, 2013
    Messages:
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    Very boring.
    Like every fanfic that has any amount of time spent in Diagon Alley, it needs to have less time spent in Diagon alley.
    I don't care what kind of wand holster he has, or what wood his trunk is made of. I don't care that he bought an expensive chess set. Why did he buy an expensive chess set? Its like the author just stuck in everything he thought it would be cool for Harry to have.
    2/5. I love the idea, but, it would need a total rewrite at this point to be salvageable.
     
  10. capo327

    capo327 Sixth Year

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    Location:
    Chicago
    It's to learn strategy so he can better fight death eater battles, silly.
     
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