Since the other thread is so popular, and because I just read a horrid one, and since most of us are authors:

Post your worst seen fanfic reviewer's..er reviews in here!

A good one I just saw while I was looking for a fic to browse. :

... he gets so riled up by the idea of... mione, gin and tonks (that really does sound like my gin and tonic.. hmm) that he typos and giggles like a schoolgirl.

The fic is Dark Mage, which contains a bit blatantly stolen, damned near word for word, from Awakening of a Magus, but at least the author admits it.

 

LMAO...man, if I dug through my Dakaath reviews, I could find some really bad ones. I'll try and get some up tomorrow.

 

i've found some insane ones that I won't bother posting, a ton of idiots reviewing a horrible misspelled storE bi bitchin bout da spellin, and den dey type lik thiz.

 

OMG...anybody...who has ever written a fic has been reviewed by...dun dun dun


athenakitty!!!

kind of really annoying with all the random questions she gets from I DONT KNOW WHERE.. gah... im going back to sleep

 

ya know... i deleted the only story i ever got a bad review in... and i dont keep track of that crap... but so far in all my writing (crap or not) ive only gotten one negative review or one idiotic review...

this one is the worst i can find..

 

I honestly cannot fucking stand her. She's like that annoying announce at the end of the old old batman episodes.

WIll the caped crusader foil the fiendishly foul plot? Will Harry ...etc. I can't even parody her without wanting to smack myself.

 

ROFL shes sooooo annoying...and i pointed it out early on after she was the first person to review my story and later it was a bunch of questions on how i wanted her to review...needless to say i didnt reply

 

aye, but its not meant to be obvious questions, it's more like trying to build suspense.

like...

Will srispg respond to my post? Will he use punctuation? Will sris use the quote function? Tune in next time athenakitty, same bat time, same bat channel


only she comes across as mad annoying.

 

these are a handful of my athenakitty reviews...judge for yourself while i go cut myself

 

I have one that pissed me off big time:

I replied with:

"Jarno - Let me tell you a story. When I was 16 I was dating the woman who I am currently married to. I was 220ish lbs, a wrestler, track runner, and I often went and played in the Varsity football practice as a center, simply out of boredom: in other words I could take an assbeating and dish one out just as well. She was 105 lbs - soaking wet. A stick of a girl. A girl who did not play sports, and would rather have her nails done then do anything physical.

A ex girlfriend of mine told her I'd cheated on her, showed her some pics that had taken place months before I met my girl/wife. Aforementioned girl/wife walked right up to me, and proceeded to beat the ever living crap out of me. I got two black eyes, a broken nose, and my privies so sore I couldn't sit down comfortably for a week. I didn't lay a hand on her out of fear what would happen if I did. She was mad, it gave her strength beyond imagine.

Now for the point behind that story:

Vernon just had his wife killed by a wizard, and directly blamed Harry. He flew into a blind rage after seeing the spell go out, and went even more nuts. If you've ever been the receiver of a rage fueled asswhipping you'd have no complaints over how I wrote that scene.

You also assume Harry KNOWS how to fight. He's managed to get away from Dudley for awhile, but he often got caught during "Harry hunting" and had his brains bashed in. As for his Quidditch training. He sits on his ass, flying a broom around, strength has nothing to do with it.. He's often described as thin, under grown from all his malnourishment. He's not even described as agile, he's basically just the right frame (SMALL), and willing to do what it takes to get the snitch.

Take care to note please I didn't just let him sit there and be beaten to a pulp, raped, etc like others do. I made him attempt a counter attack, which was promptly smashed, but at least he tried. Vernon is twice his size or more. Have YOU ever beaten down someone who was utterly pissed and twice your size? No. Harry being beaten, and the fact that ONLY Voldemort cared enough to act on it to prevent it, will change him a lot."


It's fucking reviews like that guy's that have made me disgusted of the super Harry shit. The kid is written in CANON as being exceptionally weak physically, and getting lucky as hell magically, since evidentally his patronus is a one trick pony, and he was only worth a damn with it in third year.

The fact that the reviewer wanted to argue with me about DUDLEY being able to hurt Harry, much less Vernon, who'd easily be three+ times Harrys size since harry is malnourished and abused, is borderline retarded, or at least brain damaged. (tha'ts not considering in canon they're both written and extremly obese)

 

Which is something every teenage boy would also get from 'pulling..' It just seems that Harry's never been told about something else he'd be able to pull :twisted:

 

THis funny as shit. Man, I hope my reviews don't make it up here, though. It means you're a fucking retard.

 

I dunno, I can't ever buy Harry being abused by the Dursleys either. I mean, they're Muggles. If he has half an inkling of sense, he goes for his wand as soon as the obese piece of shit storms into the room and proceeds to curse the man out of this plane of existence. I don't quite remember the circumstances of Traitors Within, but I would much prefer seeing Harry use a Killing Curse on Vernon than get beaten up by him.

 

Circumstances of my story, wizard kills Petunia in her car, and apparates away, cops report to Vernon a robed man was seen in her car moments before it crashed, but he couldn't be found. Vernon sees it was a wizard, goes into a rage and beat the shit out of Harry. There is reason for it, and Harry has very little time to do anything about it. He tries to curse him and can't finish before he's on him.

I had rhyme and reason for it, not like these idiots who have Harry beaten daily by everyone over anything. Buying them abusing him is easy, they tossed his ass into a closet for years and barely fed him enough to keep an animal alive. Taking it too far however, and yes it does become too much. Also, it's a canon fact that Dudley often whipped his ass with many others. She puts a stop to this by saying Dudley is scared of the wizards, but it could easily happen I'd imagine, if Harry didn't have a wand handy.

Aye that's something I keep saying. He's not a good althete, he's not strong, he's not agile. He's just fucking small and willing to do what it takes to get the damned snitch, not to mention he's driving basically a Ferrari of brooms, while the other idiots are riding in golf carts for the most part, save Malfoy, whose usually too busy tauting Harry to pay attention.

All these idiots who seem to think sitting on a cushioned (by spell) stick and slowly steering it left and right, up and down need to be beaten.

He wouldnt even get strong in his arms from the pulling. I've moved 1 ton+ slabs of concrete that were hanging by crane without much effort, buy pushing and turning them. When there is something either falling, or off the ground/not anchored to anything, it takes little effort to impart movement to it.

 

I'm curious... does horse riding have any benifits (health/athleticism wise)? I always rather imagined riding a broom to be rather like riding a very thin horse. If nothing else, it must help his thighs and the grip on his main broom holding hand, no? That wouldn't help him in a fight of course...

What I like even more than becoming a fit jock because of Quidditch is when Harry suddenly starts working out/jogging and bam, in a couple of weeks he's hella fit and all the girls and some guys are drooling over him. If only it were that easy, we'd all be models...

 

I think that you're right about the grip of the thighs, but even then it's slight. I rode horses alot when I was dating this "deep southern girl" attitude girl in high school, and it was more the footrests and the inertia that kept me on the horse then anything. When the thing came to a sudden stop, all the thigh gribbing in the world doesn't stop your kibbles and bits from being slammed into the pommel of the saddle.

Yeah he'd have to work out for months, on a good diet to get results, the instant buff crap sucks. Not to mention, you'd have to overcome severe vitamin depravation all through his formative years, realistically a child fed that little would most likely end up with long term health issues, and be reduced to serial killer in training mode, heh

 

Now that I think of it, there may be some light charms involved in the thighs grip, though since he falls off the broom often, its not absolute. That leaves the hand grip as the sole benefit... he can choke someone to death with his broom hand! Aha, I have found the true benefit! Now if only I were writing something where his grip of death could be put in, if only as a joke...

 

kung fu grip!!!

I think theres a sticking charm mentioned in one of the books, but I tend to skip the Quidditch crap, as it's only there when she can't think of other useless methods to fill the book's time with.

Hey we've gotta find memories and kill Voldie... but first Quidditch!!1