OC Jade McNair didn’t know her entire life was mapped out before her already by her father and the higher that be. Will she go along with the plan or will she turn her back destiny?
OC/Draco, WIP NC-17

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•Chapter 1

“This one is a popular design, my dear.”

“I don’t want the same dress as someone else, are you sure no one has purchased one like this?”

“I am most certain. This is the only one of it’s kind. It almost seems like it was made just for you dear, it flatters you so.” A short, plump witch with gray hair said as she placed tailoring pins onto the new dress.

Jade McNair stood upon a low stool in Madame Milkams, a dress and robes shop in Diagon Alley. She was a petite girl with raven black hair that flowed in springy curls down her slender back. Her eyes were large, bright and as blue as shards of glass. She was still quiet young, being a witch of only twenty years.

Today she was unfortunate enough to be buying a new dress for a dinner banquet that she would be attending tomorrow evening with her father Hayden McNair, at a well known wizarding families manor. Jade felt herself scowl at the thought of visiting Malloy Manor again. She had not been to the manor since she was very young. Her father and Lucius Malloy were colleagues and long time friends. Jade recalled the last time she saw the Malfoy’s was at her graduation from Hogwart’s School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, in which she graduated in the same class with the Malloy’s only son, Draco.

She and Draco had grown up together, knowing the importance of the last names that they possessed. The McNair’s and Malfoy’s were two of the oldest purebred wizarding families left in Voldemort’s circle of followers. They prided themselves on that fact, even though it was frowned upon by many other witch and wizards who were not within the Dark Lords circle.

Throughout all sevens years of school, even with them being in the same house, Slytherin, she and Draco had not spoken to each other unless it was absolutely necessary. Draco was very arrogant and vain, he always knew he was in a higher class socially than all the other students at school. He was the most respected and envied lad in Slytherin house. Everyone acknowledged Draco’s power, wealth and strength, and some were actually said to have been scared of the boy who bore the name Malfoy. Jade on the other hand did not boast nor brag about her families power or wealth. She remained silent and to herself, concentrating on her studies and Quidditch, the sport she played for Slytherin at Hogwarts. She and Draco, who was the house seeker, didn’t speak to each other, but worked together in a civil way to win their games. Draco found it funny and very amusing that she was the only girl on the Slytherin team, and he of course used this to his convenience to imply to the whole school that she was merely a tom boy who lacked the greatness to possess the name McNair.

“What do you say my dear? Is it a keeper?” The plump witch asked, bringing Jade out of her dazed thoughts.

Jade was very aware that the dress looked absolutely stunning on her. It was a dark, emerald green satin fabric, lined with gold hems and a beautiful matching top corset that left her thin shoulders naked and bare. She was about to tell the shop keeper to wrap the dress up for her when the door to the shop swung open and a tall, medium built wizard with slick, silver-ish blonde hair, which was now cropped shorter but styled with gel gracefully strolled in. His hands were stuck deep within the pockets of his expensive black slacks as he nodded a hello to her and the shopkeeper.

“Mister Malfoy, your suit is ready. If you would just step up on the other stool I will make the last adjustments to it as soon as I’m finished with this young lady.” The witch told him.

Draco nodded in understanding.

Jade scowled as Draco Malfoy towered above her as he stood next to her on the other stool. Silently she urged the witch to hurry and finish the dress so that she could make a quick departure.

“Draco Malfoy,” his voice was smooth and confident, as he turned his head towards her and looked down at her with cold, blue gray eyes, “and you would be?”

He doesn’t even know who I am! Jade shockingly told herself. Without looking at him she quietly said, “I see you haven’t changed, still as arrogant and vain as you always were.”

Now she turned and glanced at him, he arched his eyebrow at her, trying to recognize her face.

“We’ve met?”

A low, sarcastic laugh escaped Jade’s lips. “Yeah, you could indeed say that we’ve met.”

“Care to tell me your name?”

Jade remained silent as the shopkeeper announced her tailored, finished and ready to leave. She quickly stepped down from the stool and went behind a changing screen to remove her new dress.

The shop keeper kneeled in front of Draco, making the last fittings to his handsome suit. He arched an eyebrow as he glanced at the changing screen, in which he could see the shadow of the slender, curved body of the beautiful young witch who had so rudely spoke to him. A smirk came upon his face as he watched the girls shadow wriggle free of the dress and began to reapply her common clothes.

“Ouch!” He growled as he looked down at the witch who had just pricked his lower thigh with one of her tailoring needles. She kept her head bowed and remained silent, but was successful in distracting Draco’s wondering eyes from the young witch behind the screen.

Jade stepped out from behind the screen, now clad in a dark gray skirt, tall knee high stockings and a dark burgundy pull over sweater. She reached the dress to the shopkeeper who hurriedly boxed it for her.

“Please put it on my fathers account.” Jade informed the witch as she buttoned the clasp of her black traveling cloak around her shoulders.

She began to walk out of the store, her dress in hand when she heard Draco’s low drawled voice.

“You seemed to have forgotten to tell me your name.”

Jade turned and looked at him, “I don’t recall offering it to you.”

He narrowed his eyes at her, “at least tell me how I know you,” he commanded.

“If you want to know who I am, find out for yourself Draco Malfoy.” And with that said she left an amused looking Draco standing in the store.


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End of chapter 1, hope everyone enjoys it so far.



•Chapter 2

Since it was still early enough Jade decided to drop by the Leaky Cauldron for a butterbeer. She ordered her drink and sat alone at a table watching through the large window at all the witch and wizards that walked the streets of Diagon Alley.

After draining her butterbeer she stood up and began out the door of the tavern. As she pushed the door open the pub owner bid her a goodbye. She turned her head and waved goodbye as she walked out the door and collided right into another person.

“Humph.” She choked out as she dropped her dress and started to tumble backwards. A pair of hands swiftly caught her around the waist, saving her from falling back and held her while she regained her footing.

“Watch where you’re going.” Jade grumbled. She quickly glanced up at the figure who had walked into her and made her nearly ruin her dress.

“I believe you ran into me first.” Draco said as he looked down at her, his famous smirk plastered across his smug face. Jade swiped his hands away from her waist and bent down to retrieve her package. She walked away, dusting off her robes with one hand not bothering to look back as she heard Draco snicker under his breath as he stepped into the Leaky Cauldron.

Jade continued to walk down the streets of Diagon Alley, she always walked to the beginning of Knockturn Alley where she could safely Apparate back to McNair Manor.

“Lo’ Jade.” A cold, feminine voice said from behind her. Jade turned, and immediately cursed under her breath. “What do you want Granger? I’m not in the mood to fight with you.” She irritably said as Hermione Granger walked closer to Jade, closing the space between them.

“I’m hurt Jade, I haven’t seen you in ages. I was only going to ask how you’ve been. And look what you’ve gone and done, bit my head off when I was only trying to be nice and sociable.” Hermione purred as she stared back at Jade with cold, brown eyes.

Jade rolled her own eyes, yeah Hermione wanted to be sociable alright, she really believed that one. She and Hermione had never gotten along, the truth was that Hermione never trusted Jade nor gave her a chance to be friends in school. She had never liked that Jade had made friends from other houses specifically Harry Potter and Ron Weasley, her best mates. She also didn’t like that fact that Harry and Jade had ‘dated’ or at least tried before realizing they were better off being just close friends. Being friends with Harry meant she met much disapproval from her father.

“Harry hasn’t mentioned you lately, surely you two are still friends right?” Hermione was going somewhere with this, Jade just didn’t know where or why Hermione disliked her so much.

“No Hermione, if Harry wasn’t my friend anymore I’m sure you would be the first to know.” Jade said every word as if it dripped sarcasm.

“Umm hmm, I worry about him sometimes I mean honestly the girls he chooses…it amazes me at how low his standards are.”

Jade could feel her cheeks beginning to flush with anger, she knew exactly who Hermione was talking about. “Look Hermione, I’m sorry that Harry isn’t your little lap dog like Ron is and that obviously upsets you but that doesn’t give you the right to criticize me.”

Hermione chuckled, “if I wanted to criticize you I’d call you for what you really are. A dirty, evil Slytherin!”

“Ohh real mature Hermione. We graduated three years ago and you still hold it against me for what house I was in?! Why don’t you grow up for a change.”

Hermione’s arms were now crossed over her chest as she fumed with anger. “Once a Slytherin always a Slytherin.”

Jade narrowed her eyes at her, through gritted teeth she said, “And you Hermione will always be a mugblood.”

Hermione’s eyes widened, “You…evil bitch!” She hissed as she started towards Jade.

“Calm yourself Granger.”

“Bloody hell, why can’t I get rid of you?” Jade growled at Draco as he quickly stepped between the two girls.

“Outta my way, Malfoy!” Hermione demanded.

Jade heard Draco chuckle as he stood his ground. “Sod off mudblood. We don’t have time to mingle with the likes of you.” He quickly took Jade by the elbow and led her away down Knockturn Alley, leaving a disgruntled Hermione in the street.

Once they turned a corner Jade pulled her arm free of Draco’s grasp, “What do you think you’re doing?” She hissed at him.

“It looked like I was saving you from getting cursed.” He said with a smirk.

“I had it handled thank you very much and why are you following me?!”

He looked amused. “I’m not following you, you’re just obviously always in my way.”

Jade glared, shooting daggers at him with her eyes. “Has anyone ever told you want a pompous ass you are Draco?”

He turned his head slightly, as if pondering the question first, “No. usually I get Draco you are successful and deviously handsome.”

Jade just continued to glare, she was flushed with anger again and she only had one nerve left in her body and Draco was holding a dagger dangerously close to it.

“So prey tell, what we’re you and Granger feuding about?” He asked curiously.

“If I’m correct in saying so, I’m sure it’s none of your business or concern.” Jade was still mad that he didn’t recognize her. But she wasn’t about to say so aloud.

Draco stared down at her, his face lacking emotion. She watched his eyes which didn’t blink as they looked her over slowly trying to find something familiar about her. Jade returned a glare towards him and held her ground looking up at him as he stood just inches from her body, his arms crossed lazily across his chest. She was not going to give him the satisfaction of making her turn her eyes away from his piercing stare. Instead she watched as his lips curled into a mischievous grin and he turned his eyes away from her.

Jade stepped back a few steps, making some room between them.

“Tell you what,” Draco said in his drawled voice, “how about I take you out for lunch on me of course. And we can catch up and if you want to tell me how I know you, you can.” He glanced over to where she stood; “Do we have a deal?”

She looked at him, hardly believing his proposal. “What? You mean right now?”

“Yeah, right now. Come on.” He swiftly gathered her free hand into his and began to lead her along the streets of Knockturn Alley. Jade tried to walk beside him and keep up with his pace but his legs were much longer than her own and his strides were quicker.

She stopped suddenly, pulling her hand free from his and stared at him. “What?” He asked innocently.

She placed her free hand that wasn’t carrying her dress on her hip. “Okay, I’ll have lunch with you. But don’t lead me around like I’m your pet…okay?” She stepped up to him. “And here,” she pushed her package into his arms and said, “you can carry this also.” And she began up the street, not knowing exactly where they were going.

“I’m not your servant. And I know you don’t expect me to carry this sodding dress around the streets.” He called out after her as she walked away. Jade turned around and looked at him, he was still standing where she had left him. Rolling her eyes, she quickly walked back up to him.

“If you want to remember who I am, you’ll bloody well do what I tell you too.” She hissed.

Draco arched one platinum brow at her, “aren’t we a fiery little thing?” He said somewhat amused. He watched as she leaned forward so that her face was less than a few inches from his. “Yes Draco,” her voice was such a low whisper that Draco leaned his ear closer towards her, “I am, and you should be careful or you might get burnt.” She raised her eyes at him then, smirked her own naughty smirk then turned and began to walk away.

Draco watched the sway of her slender, narrow hips as she walked away from him. One last smirk and he began after her trying to match her pace.

“My God, I can actually feel you smirking at me behind my back.” She called out irritably. She heard him walking behind her a few feet but she could actually feel him looking at her with that sleazy smirk plastered on his face. She unfortunately resisted the urge to curse him once, just a little one, but thought better of it even though it made her smile. Draco snickered; his shoulders shook with silent laughter.

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For future reference, please post to the appropriate Work-by-Author subforum, in this case here.

Malfoy, colleagues.

You don't need to use "house" after Slytherin more than once. It's just needlessly repetitive.

tomboy in lowercase.

Your italics broke after this and remained across the rest of the chapter.

handed.

buttoned.

Okay... so Draco opts to perve on the mystery girl, he apparently cannot recognize her despite noting she was the only girl on their Quidditch team. Even if they never spoke one on one, he has to know enough of her features to place a name to the face, unless she has undergone some dramatic change in only a few years.

There isn't much of an identity to her as of yet.

Not much of a fan of OCs, less so with the intended pairing of both Draco and Harry.

Not a lot to like here so far, I'm afraid. Keep chiseling away at it.

 

Trying messaging a moderator to have it moved to the appropriate subforum.

 

Wasn't expecting you to edit in the second chapter. We usually make separate posts for that, and if the forum automerges them than so be it.

The three "Malloy"'s instead of "Malfoy" are still present in the first chapter.

witches.

No purring. Just... no. There are other ways to get across her tone and attitude without sinking to "purred".

That just reeks of poor characterization. Allow your Hermione to be prejudiced, but this is very much a bland schoolgirl comment/insult, and is rightfully called out shortly thereafter.

mudblood.

I just don't see Hermione phrasing it like that. "Move, Malfoy!" maybe.

Same deal as the purring. Minimal hissing should ever be utilized. "She bit out through clenched teeth" or the like, perhaps.

Usually needs to be capitalized, and you need ' ' tags or italics or something.

Comma between "lunch" and "on me".

Why not just have her shrink the package until its pocket-sized? So that neither of them has to carry the burden.

See above point.

Bad Draco. Stop leering at her like a juicy steak.

Have you had any luck contacting a moderator yet? Because until this gets moved or closed so you can repost it properly, I wouldn't keep adding in chapters for now.

 

I don’t know how to get ahold of the mods and if your going to be so critical two chapters in why are you even bothering to read it? This isn’t helpful criticism you’re trying to write my fanfic for me. I like to change up JKs characters personalities aka sometimes there’s good slytherins/bad griffs why don’t u give it a chance before digging it as you have. I didn’t ask for an editor. I joined this site because I stay in the hospital all the time and I miss my computer and the o Lu way I can write is with my cell phone so gimme a break pls.




QUOTE="H_A_Greene, post: 1197284, member: 9591"]Wasn't expecting you to edit in the second chapter. We usually make separate posts for that, and if the forum automerges them than so be it.

The three "Malloy"'s instead of "Malfoy" are still present in the first chapter.


witches.

No purring. Just... no. There are other ways to get across her tone and attitude without sinking to "purred".


That just reeks of poor characterization. Allow your Hermione to be prejudiced, but this is very much a bland schoolgirl comment/insult, and is rightfully called out shortly thereafter.

mudblood.

I just don't see Hermione phrasing it like that. "Move, Malfoy!" maybe.

Same deal as the purring. Minimal hissing should ever be utilized. "She bit out through clenched teeth" or the like, perhaps.

Usually needs to be capitalized, and you need ' ' tags or italics or something.

Comma between "lunch" and "on me".

Why not just have her shrink the package until its pocket-sized? So that neither of them has to carry the burden.

See above point.

Bad Draco. Stop leering at her like a juicy steak.

Have you had any luck contacting a moderator yet? Because until this gets moved or closed so you can repost it properly, I wouldn't keep adding in chapters for now.[/QUOTE]

 

Staff as found per the members page at the top of the forum

So, to clarify, you want your perceived writing flaws to be ignored and only praises sung for your story. Y/N?

 

This is helpful criticism. Spelling, grammar, and technical writing issues are being pointed out. You can learn to improve from them.
The characterization is up to you, of course, but you will need to explain why they are different from canon if the only change is the introduction of an OC.

 

The purpose of this site is to receive edits in order to improve your story. If you're just looking for passive readers, that's not really what we're here for.