1. Hey Guest, welcome back to DLP

    As you can see, we've changed our look. We've migrated from vBulletin to the Xenforo forum system. There may be issues or missing functionality, if you find anything or have feedback, please check out the new Xenforo Migration Feedback forum.

    Our dark ("Dark Lord Potter") theme is under heavy development. We also have a light ("Light Lord Potter") theme for those happier with a light background and darker text.

    Dismiss Notice
Dismiss Notice
Hey Guest! Are you any good at cooking? Got a favourite recipe that you love to cook or bring out to impress that special someone? Why not share it! A new forum called The Burrow has opened and it's all about homemaking!

Oneshot The End by Taure - T

Discussion in 'Dark Arts' started by Taure, Dec 28, 2006.

Not open for further replies.
  1. Taure

    Taure Magical Core Enthusiast Prestige DLP Supporter

    Joined:
    Mar 5, 2006
    Messages:
    948
    Location:
    United Kingdom
    High Score:
    13,152
    Title: The End
    Author: Taure
    Rating: T
    Status: Finished one-shot
    Suggested Category: Dark Arts
    Words: 1,683
    Published: December 28, 2006
    Status: Oneshot

    Summary: A little exploration of what would happen if wizards and Muggles could not coexist as peacefully as they have so far.
    Links: FF.net or DLP.

    A little one-shot I wrote as a practice in description and dialogue, inspired by the Wizards vs. Muggles thread.


    Edit by Minion, December 17, 2016
    Taure removed the story from ff.net.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 17, 2016
  2. Dark Lord Rostam

    Dark Lord Rostam Button La Famiglia Midknight

    Joined:
    Mar 2, 2006
    Messages:
    1,893
    Location:
    In that thing you call a closet. Better watch out,
    Very well done. I had a feeling while I was reading you were showing that Wizards are truly better. One question: During the nuclear assault, how did all the Wizards avoid death? Just a little something I feel needs to be explained.

    5/5.
     
  3. Taure

    Taure Magical Core Enthusiast Prestige DLP Supporter

    Joined:
    Mar 5, 2006
    Messages:
    948
    Location:
    United Kingdom
    High Score:
    13,152
    There were probably a few wizards that got hit accidentally, but most wizards live in remote areas and in the countryside, away from where the nukes would have hit. Diagon Alley probably got destroyed though, and the Ministry of Magic would have been damaged, but as it was underground it survived and they repaired it quickly.

    The little epilogue bit could really have been a whole story to itself with this one-shot as a prologue and more of a focus on the guerrilla warfare, but I tend to lose interest in writing long stories before I finish them, so stick to one-shots.

    I will however issue this challenge to anyone who wants to take it up: write the story that the little epilogue of this one-shot tells in greater detail.
     
  4. Amadan

    Amadan Second Year

    Joined:
    Dec 6, 2006
    Messages:
    79
    Location:
    England
    I just wish it was longer.
     
  5. ip82

    ip82 Prisoner

    Joined:
    Nov 14, 2005
    Messages:
    2,921
    This idea has been floating around for some time, mentioned here and there, but I've never seen a fic dealing solely with wizards starting a nuclear war. Kudos to Taure for that.

    Unfortunately, execution of this idea itself was far from perfect.

    The biggest problem was that you concentrated too much on unimportant things - atmosphere, entrance, gunfight, etc... and too little on the gist of the story - politics, military, war, etc...

    Hand in hand with that comes realism. Not even the US president could authorize the launch of nuclear missiles without some GOOD backing (at least another member of the staff must give authorization as far as I know). I don't know what is procedure in GB, but I can only presume that it's MUCH more complicated; I bet they couldn't even begin the launch sequence without a green light from Washington.

    And finally, there wouldn't be worldwide confusion if GB started the nuclear war. It takes at least half an hour to set up the systems, open the hatches and send the rockets off (all of which will be spotted through satellites, spies etc...), after which there's another hour or two where all the nuclear countries in the world would follow the missiles' trajectory on their screens, while preparing their own counterattack - against GB and obviously not against each other.

    For this plan to work, Harry would need a LOT more logistics then one simple imperio; He'd not only need many imperiused people on various places around the globe to start the nuclear launches themselves, but also a whole different set of people who would create confusion and informational blackout, eventually leading to WWIII...

    Thus, since the story generally failed to explore its primary subject, and instead dealt with needless filler surrounding it, it can't get more then
    3/5
     
    Last edited: Dec 28, 2006
  6. Hesuse Christe

    Hesuse Christe First Year

    Joined:
    Dec 28, 2006
    Messages:
    31
    Location:
    The little bit of Hell called Nebraska
    Good, but lots of room for improvement. Perhaps it should be taken up as a chaptered story, with this chapter as a prologue.
     
  7. Taure

    Taure Magical Core Enthusiast Prestige DLP Supporter

    Joined:
    Mar 5, 2006
    Messages:
    948
    Location:
    United Kingdom
    High Score:
    13,152
    In my defence:

    So as far as atmosphere etc went, you thought it was OK?

    But yeah, if it were reality it would be far harder for the nukes to be launched, but not as hard as you make it sound. The UK has at least one nuclear submarine armed with 80 Nuclear warheads on patrol in the arctic at all times, capable of launching within an hour.

    If the Prime Minister were to declare a State of Emergency and declare marshal law etc, I think it wouldn't be too hard for him to order the strike, if he made it out that Britain was about to be under attack.

    Also, It wouldn't have been hard for Harry to go and put all the other members of the cabinet under the imperious, as most of them live on the same road.
     
  8. Hesuse Christe

    Hesuse Christe First Year

    Joined:
    Dec 28, 2006
    Messages:
    31
    Location:
    The little bit of Hell called Nebraska
    The atmosphere was good as an excercise, but overbearing and melodramatic at times.
     
  9. Tinn Tam

    Tinn Tam Review Goddess Retired Staff

    Joined:
    Aug 11, 2006
    Messages:
    1,023
    Location:
    Paris, France.
    I've read it, I thought it was good, I have lots of remarks to make, but right now I have to get off the computer so I'll give you the short version and edit it later.

    I thought the writing was a little clinical, but otherwise the atmosphere was good and the descriptions nicely detailed. Your sentence structure and use of punctuation struck me as odd; you use a lot of commas, not always advisedly, and sometimes your sentences aren't built at all. It often came out as rather messy.

    I'll give examples tomorrow, right now I really have to go.

    Rating: 3.5/5 for the style of writing. 4/5 for the original idea. 5/5 for the last sentence.

    All in all: 4/5
     
  10. BloodLust

    BloodLust Seventh Year

    Joined:
    Mar 12, 2006
    Messages:
    269
    Location:
    Out of my mind...back in 5 minutes
    Meh, I read it, and in my tired state i noticed a few teeny-tiny grammar issues, but over-all i like it. Short...but who am I to complain about the length of anyone elses fics :p, besides the only reason it's an issue is because I wanted to read more, lulz.

    Other than that I thought it was a good read, i'd have liked to see it develop a bit more, but in terms of what you meant it as...:

    ...I thought it was pretty damn good.

    4/5
     
  11. Big Z

    Big Z Headmaster

    Joined:
    Nov 20, 2006
    Messages:
    1,046
    Location:
    Chicago, IL
    Like it but at times needs a more complex view on what really is going on and how it occurs. It needs expanding upon on the whys and hows this actually occurs rather than just saying it occured. Like IP pointed out, it takes much more work than just to imperio one leader and have it be done. The President can't just by himself authorize a nuclear launch, usually NORAD or the Command Staff would have a hand in the decisions.

    I would love to see a cutscene of the actual response in other countries if this was pulled off and the response itself of the magical world. I'm sure that there are many halfbloods and Muggleborns out there upset with this decision, how would they feel and what is their reaction/impact on the eventual terrorism?

    Expanding on this interesting idea would be great and for now, can't give higher than a 4/5 for pure curiousity of what can be added to make this fic great.
     
  12. Tinn Tam

    Tinn Tam Review Goddess Retired Staff

    Joined:
    Aug 11, 2006
    Messages:
    1,023
    Location:
    Paris, France.
    Too late for editing. New post.

    Here are a few examples of an odd sentence structure:
    Shrouded refers to the man, yet the subject of the main clause is no one. It's a breaking in the syntax. Actually you could have reversed the order of the 'optional' clauses:
    The syntax is correct here, though the effect isn't quite the same... Better still (and this way, you avoid the accumulation of commas):
    Well actually, here you get the problem of binary rhythm but... one thing at a time.
    _________

    You may want to replace the second comma with a semi colon. It breaks the dull rhythm of the sentence and helps to separatate the clause with 'man' as a subject and the clause in which 'features' is the subject.
    _________

    Typical sentence in which a colon would have been as good as a semi colon. Better, even, since it's not as common. In the second part of the sentence you're developing what you've said in the first part; hence the use of the colon.
    _________

    Beware the redundancy.
    _________

    Opposite problem here: a semi colon sounds a little too final a separation between the two clauses, since you're not repeating the subject in the second part of the sentence (then he tapped himself etc.). If you repeat he, a semi colon is fine; otherwise, a comma might sound better.
    _________

    That's a lot of commas! The rhythm is both jerky and quite monotonous, to be honest. Portions of sentence of equal (and quite short) length, all separated with commas... It makes the pace of the text dull. You might want to try to break that monotonous rhythm by injecting other (and stronger) punctuation marks, or even changing the sentence structure. As in:
    Okay, I exaggerated a bit :). But, well, you get the idea...
    _________

    It's very possible that I am the only one to be bothered by that kind of thing. But you said you wanted to practice your writing style so... here you go. A review only about the writing style. I hope it at least makes sense.

    And I swear I intended it to be shorter.
     
    Last edited: Dec 29, 2006
  13. Mordac

    Mordac Minister of Magic DLP Supporter

    Joined:
    Aug 28, 2006
    Messages:
    1,280
    Location:
    Edinburgh, Scotland
    This isn't really a fanfic, it's more a polemic on the Wizard vs. Muggle issue.
     
  14. Taure

    Taure Magical Core Enthusiast Prestige DLP Supporter

    Joined:
    Mar 5, 2006
    Messages:
    948
    Location:
    United Kingdom
    High Score:
    13,152
    Not really: there is very little plot in there; the wizard/Muggle conflict is reduced to a small epilogue at the end. This concentrates more on a small snapshot of an assassin's work.
     
  15. Mindless

    Mindless Big Boss DLP Supporter

    Joined:
    Dec 31, 2006
    Messages:
    1,355
    Location:
    United States
    Excellent. You really don't need practice in description and dialouge. It had a very 'Monte Cristo' feel. 5/5
     
  16. mansk

    mansk Backtraced

    Joined:
    Feb 4, 2009
    Messages:
    2
    Location:
    Look Behind you
    not to be a snarky asswhole but an atom bomb is nothing compared to what the us and soviets came up with during the cold war a hydrogen bomb would wreak the ministry no questions asked
     
  17. kjp

    kjp DA Member

    Joined:
    May 19, 2009
    Messages:
    157
    Location:
    Indiana
    Wizards can't make food magically, so wouldn't nuclear winter kill them all.
     
  18. KrzaQ

    KrzaQ Denarii Host DLP Supporter

    Joined:
    May 9, 2008
    Messages:
    1,403
    Location:
    Poland
    They can charm radiation away, and if they can't, they will invent such a charm, it wouldn't be anything special. (something of eternal darkness sucked out all the light, what the problem would it be to change it to different type of radiation?)

    Thanks to kjp I discovered this one-shot. Even though it's almost 3 years old it's awesome. 4.5/5
     
  19. blackghost

    blackghost Third Year

    Joined:
    Jan 17, 2008
    Messages:
    88
    It would take the entire wizard population to due so as nuclear winter would involve dozens if not hundreds of nuclear events and that means hundreds if not millions of square miles. (Based on a 5-10 MT event and a average of 3-8 per city destroyed as standard)

    Global nuclear winter is VERY hard to magic away. Local radiation? Probably easy but you still get the temp drop. They could grow food just not the same food.


    Just saying :/
     
  20. KrzaQ

    KrzaQ Denarii Host DLP Supporter

    Joined:
    May 9, 2008
    Messages:
    1,403
    Location:
    Poland
    Ever heard of warming charm? Or (magically expanded) greenhouses?

    They don't have to fight global effects of the winter. They just need to do so in small areas just to grow enough food to survive. And considering they can enlarge their crops (just like Hagrid did with pumpkins, iirc) it shoudn't be a problem.
     
Not open for further replies.