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WIP The House of Potter Rebuilt by DisobedienceWriter - M

Discussion in 'Almost Recommended' started by Webz2, Jun 13, 2016.

  1. Webz2

    Webz2 Squib

    Mar 23, 2015
    Title: The House of Potter Rebuilt
    Author: DisobedienceWriter
    Rating: M
    Genre: Adventure
    Status: WIP
    Library Category: General
    Pairings: None
    Summary: A curious 11-year-old Harry begins acting on the strange and wonderful things he observes in the wizarding world. He might just turn out very differently, and the world with him.
    Link: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11933512/1/The-House-of-Potter-Rebuilt

    This isn't my story, but it is definitely ntly one of the better stories that I've found recently that doesn't drag out the Harry's school years to over 100k words. No pairing so far, but i think this deserves a look or two. The author does post pretty regularly so it has a pretty fair chance of being completed.
    Last edited: Jun 14, 2016
  2. Tomster10010

    Tomster10010 Third Year

    Dec 1, 2011
    That's promising (or autocorrect).


    Anyway, on to the story:
    I only read the first chapter (1/3 of the current story and all of the Sorcerer's Stone). I thought that it had very fast pacing, and that it was much more tell than show.

    More importantly, Harry didn't feel like Harry Potter. He felt like a quiet Hermione, or a generic quiet studious anime protagonist. If anybody remembers Fettucini's Knowledge is Power (the guiltiest of pleasures but one of my favorite fics), this Harry feels like that Harry in studiousness but without the snarky, funny, likeable (imo) character. Maybe if the fic was paced more slowly, Harry would have actual character. I don't mind Harry In Name Only but there wasn't a character behind this Harry, canonical or otherwise.

    edit for more stuff after more reading: The plot is kind of weird and forced; I can't really buy that Quirrel kills Dumbledore and then suddenly the Flamels show up to run the school. There is no drama or tension in the story. This story reads like a summary for a story that could be good.
    Last edited: Jun 13, 2016
  3. Zel

    Zel Professor

    Oct 23, 2015
    High Score:
    I read the first two chapters - couldn't get any ahead. There's a serious problem with showing instead of telling, the conflicts were rushed and poorly handled. Hell, Harry fucking dies in the first chapter and there's pretty much no feeling on that, and the whole thing was ignored since then.

    And Harry isn't Harry. Well, it could be argued that the circumstances that shaped Harry's character in canon didn't happen, and different ones that made him more studious took place instead. However, even then there should've been at least some of his other personality traits. It's like Tomster said, it felt like a generic studious anime protagonist.

  4. Snapdragon

    Snapdragon Banned

    Sep 7, 2014
    I like Disobedience for his concepts/idea explorations but he just can't write engaging leading characters/interactions and fails at dramaturgy.

    Always worth a read if you don't expect more than that.

    ---------- Post automerged at 09:57 ---------- Previous post was at 09:49 ----------

    I mostly agree with you but if you look at the implementation of the Flamels and his "political" moves I consider that even the high point of the story so far. Utterly ruthless Flamels makes a great hook and I'm actually wondering what their angle is about Harry.
  5. Thaumologist

    Thaumologist Supreme Mugwump

    Jun 27, 2011
    Chester, England
    I like DW, they put out a decent sized chapter every few weeks, and their writing doesn't turn me off instantly. They aren't the best author online by any stretch, but they are consistent, and not terrible. I saw someone describe Jeconais' writing as junk food (cheap, but filling enough), and I think that applies here too - it isn't anything outstanding, but it is serviceable.

    I like this story, too. But it has quite major flaws, as pointed out before me. There are a few interesting plot points, but there's not much substance overall.

    If you have spare time, give it a read. It isn't bad... It just isn't brilliant either. I don't think I'll be thinking of old stories to read in a year or so and go "hey, what about THOPR", because there isn't anything standout about it.

    3/5 for an average story.
  6. Download

    Download Squib ~ Prestige ~ DLP Supporter

    Aug 6, 2014
    Adelaide, Australia
    High Score:
    So far we have: "evil person secretly stunting magical learning by removing things from books" trope, "Harry suspicious of Ron's poorness" trope, "all of the teachers are incompetent for (probably evul) reasons" trope, "Harry is the only smart person who picks up on this" trope.

    All I can think of is that this is going to be a manipulative Dumbledore story and so far nothing in the story has caught my attention.


    ---------- Post automerged at 13:36 ---------- Previous post was at 13:35 ----------

    The dragon is super smart and Harry can talk to it.
  7. James

    James High Inquisitor

    Jan 22, 2015
    It's typical DisobedienceWriter, alright:

    • Break-neck speed, both in the sense of writing and in-story time
    • very dry, almost utalitarian language
    • coupled with previous point: it reads more like a synopsis than a novel
    • Sometimes simplistical results of actions of young heroes (not as bad as Indy!Harry preaching, but halfway there)
    • The point above: it might result in some cliches
    • A lot of good ideas (Which is usually the only reason to read DW's work)
    • Rather good, Not-stupid-magic (no cores and such, boths strengths and weaknesses… in DW's later works)

    I found this one especially interesting — It goes with runes, somewhat, but Harry doesn't learn them all in one evening, and there was some sense of the work and research that goes into something relatively simple with 19 runes.

    The main premise: Potters had fallen to disrepair; both in the sense of their lands, and both in the sense of how 'healthy' (headcount) and 'powerful' is the family (my words). It's fine subversion of the Potter inheritance , and paired with very nice part-mentor-part-friend relationship with Sirius Black it's fun.

    Of course, due to DW's writing, it's not a very vivid world, with cutout/shallow characters that reader can't quite connect with, and some cliches — not something that draws you in.

    All in all, DisobedienceWriter's work is, to me, like binge watching episodic tv series where you like the main premise, but don't like most of the episodes — you simply skip through the 'episodic' part and just follow the main line. That's how DW writes and that's it.

    So if you're looking for something to sink into, to picture the world around you — this will disappoint. If you're a fanatic ff reader, you might kill some enjoyable time with some of trope subversions DW uses/bases his ff on.

    Last edited: Jun 14, 2016
  8. Alexeyy

    Alexeyy Seventh Year DLP Supporter

    Nov 14, 2006
    I remember how naive Disobedience's stories were used to be. One story so similar to another. Take a new story he churned out, and you know what will happen there before you read it. Any of Disobedience's works is massive facepalm material.

    Not this one. It's amazing, but he did learn how to write. I wanted to wait until he finishes it, but I think this story receives undeservingly low rating even though it's incomplete yet. The strong points of this story are: highly developed characters, rich worldbuilding. No naivety.

    I think I will rate it when it's complete. So far it's 4 or 5.
  9. Snapdragon

    Snapdragon Banned

    Sep 7, 2014
    His "Knowledge is Useful, But Power is Power" has a great mystery start about the situation of powerful wizards like Dumbledore and Harry. Too bad he ran out of control after the early chapters.

    And I really liked "Wide World of Magic".
  10. Ignisglace

    Ignisglace Squib

    May 31, 2016
    High Score:
    Interesting story, developing a good solid background but the style of telling things instead of showing them damages the narrative. I also would add that taking out Dumbledore in the first chapter while novel will leave many story threads unfulfilled would be interested to see where it goes.

  11. Hiraelle

    Hiraelle Third Year

    Apr 12, 2015
    tl;dr : It's just meh. Harry is the only "intelligent" character (he's not really), everything is in books, the writing makes everything very, very boring.
    I'd say 2/5 because it stills manage to be better than a lot of fanfiction.net

    Details : (spoilers for the entirety of the first chapter)
    Harry did this. Harry thought that. Harry wanted to know stuff. Harry did this.
    The writing feels like that.

    Also first editions of schoolbooks are better because there is more information in it. For example stuff about Inferi in the Defense text.
    Yeah I don't think they taught about Inferi to 11-years-old, even in the good ol' days.
    Everything is in books too apparently. Dumbledore put the Troll to sleep, but an ordinary sleeping charm can't do that, he used a sleeping charm just for trolls, THAT HE FOUND IN AN OBSCURE BOOK.

    Ron is an idiot. Harry is more of an idiot. "I must learn everything by reading books and the others are idiot that can't learn."

    Yule break arrives. Nobody cares because you can't feel a thing from the writing.
    It's just so fucking dry.
    "The boy couldn't lie. Harry could, of course, and he could tell when others were. Lots of odd skills that the Dursley family were useful for honing."
    Lying maybe. Tell when others are lying? How would he have learned that at the Dursleys?
    Also I don't care.

    "Well Gran gave me some books for New Year's. Maybe... Yeah, there was one volume she insisted I read first. On things an Auror had to know."
    Great, more books. Also Neville just happens to have been gifted a book ON THINGS AN AUROR HAS TO KNOW, as an 11-years-old. Neville. 11 years old. Things an Auror has to know.
    Do you really think Augusta Longbottom would have gifted that to Neville? She sure seems like she thinks he can't do anything in canon.
    Also, how convenient. AND YAY MORE BOOKS.
    (And it's to know if lightning is effective against ghosts. Because Harry used lightning against Peeves and apparently it was effective, I dunno, it was some sort of battle scene of ten boring sentences. Amazing that no one had thought of that before.)

    "That night after the feast, Ron remembered to thank Harry for the chocolate frogs. He must have heard others extending their thanks for various gifts during the feast."
    Yeah because Ron is an idiot and an asshole and maybe a bully? There were a few sentences about how he insulted people and stuff.

    Harry solves the Norbert problem in a paragraph because he convinced Hagrid to let it live in the forest (we didn't see the scene) and after that it liked Harry and Harry told it about the dragon preserves and Norbert approved (three sentences) and Norbert is gone and Hagrid is sad.

    Again talk about earlier editions. That time it's Hogwarts : a history. In the ninth edition (they have the twenty-first) there are SPELLS (I thought it was a history book) and lessons from history, and explanations on how the school ran back then!! I wonder what's in the 21st. It's probably two pages : "HOGWARTS IS COOL" page 1 and "ALSO THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS" page 2.
    Because everyone knows, when you revise a book, it's not to make it better, it's only to dumb it down.
    So he orders from a book store he heard about randomly in the common room, a book store bigger than the one Hermione found. I don't know, if Hermione should know anything, it's what's the best bookstore. But Harry randomly heard better information.

    Ah, end of the chapter, Quirrel use the killing curse against Harry and Harry is not killed (again) (I guess it's because he held the Stone in his hand plus Horcrux stuff) and his scar is completely gone and maybe he kills Quirrel I just skimmed it and missed it.

    Apparently Flamel is here. And Dumbledore is dead. There was a lot of blood.

    "You're smarter than Albus ever was."

    And then apparently Harry stays at Hogwarts for the summer because he talked to the Elves and they said that some students stayed and they helped them stay fed and hidden and stuff because they liked to have people there. Of fucking course.

    End of chapter and that's quite enough for me, I won't keep reading it. Boring.
  12. Rehio

    Rehio Squib ~ Prestige ~ DLP Supporter

    Jan 1, 2007
    New Mexico
    High Score:
    It's amazing how consistent DW's style stays over time. It's like he'll come up with an interesting concept, start to talk about it, and then get distracted midway through and move on to something else.

    There's interesting thoughts, but nothing ever really feels fleshed out or described properly.
  13. LordCorvusBlack

    LordCorvusBlack Squib

    Aug 31, 2015
    Wow extremely long chapters.
    Though I like the tone DW is setting, I thought APWBD's death felt rather hasty.
    Right now I can't rate this ff, it's still too early.
    The ending can always make or break a story.
    I am familiar with DW's work so I am hopeful.
  14. NumberSlevin

    NumberSlevin Squib

    Jun 22, 2016
    High Score:
    I really like DisobedienceWriter's Of Ice And Fire stories so i'm willing to give this more of chance than maybe I would've. I'm just repeating what others have said but it lacks a sense of tension. There'll be a problem and oh look at that, a solution, or it just fixes itself with no input or effect on Harry
  15. ibskib

    ibskib Second Year

    Oct 14, 2011
    It has the same problem that all of DisobedienceWriter's stories has, the author voice always has a certain pedantic and condescending tone where it feels like he's bashing everyone except for the protagonist/a small group 'that sees things clearer' than the rest of the world which is almost completely populated by stupid shortsighted people who do not fully grasp or are too weak to master the possibilities that magic/chakra etc. offers.

    Add to that a whole lot of him dryly telling rather than showing and it becomes almost a chore to read, which is a shame the author usually has a few good ideas that he falls short of delivering in an engaging manner.

    Makes me think of his earlier story Will of Fire, Heart of Stone a Naruto story that is probably the best thing he has written, it didn't have the problem to the same degree if I remember correctly.
    Last edited: Jun 29, 2016
  16. syed

    syed Supermod

    Jun 30, 2011
    I like the house classes hermione set up, it lets varied aspects of the wizarding world to be explored.
  17. Sir Snuffy

    Sir Snuffy Third Year DLP Supporter

    May 3, 2016
    The country the Queen lives in
    High Score:
    I was already feeling the signs of boredom halfway through the first chapter.

    The Harry in this story feels more like a robot, the writing seemingly trying to force out what's going on. Nevermind the constant repeating of 'Harry did this. Harry did that. Harry said this. Oh what jerks.', the whole thing seemed cold and out of place. I felt zero connection with the character.

  18. Xion

    Xion Robot Overlord Admin

    Apr 3, 2006
    The House of Potter Rebuilt has been updated with a new chapter.

    Story Stats
    Chapters: 7
    Words: 136,216
    Updated: 2018-12-30 21:37:00 UTC
    Published: 2016-05-06 23:49:12 UTC
    Previously updated: 12 months ago

    Brought to you by Scryer story thread updates.
  19. AgentSatan

    AgentSatan Second Year

    Apr 30, 2018
    "Harry liked magic. He found he was good at magic. The teachers might be so-so, but he could learn it anyway. Because he wanted to. He had learned something very important that day because of those events and that book."
    -Quote from the story

    The story is guilty, as illustrated by the quote, of telling not showing. Why does the author have to tell us that 'Harry liked magic.' Why can't he show us. And then don't get me started on Harry as a Mary Sue. "You're smarter than Albus ever was." Please just no. harry has no flaws at all.

    Even more criminal is how boring the story is. I had to skim through most of it, and thats not indicative of a good story. Then there's the whole Ron is evil. He's a bad person to Hermione and slytherins; what will I ever do?

    Thats not even mentioning how the Harry dies and the author again tells not shows. The author says 'Harry felt angry at Quriell.' It was at this point I stopped reading the fic. It always boggled my mind how authors could write an eleven year old besting Quriell; he acted incompetent, but he was secretly competent. The only way canon Harry triumphs is from dumb luck.

    Overall, this fic was terrible and I rate it a 1. It's a mary sue Harry with Asshole!Evil!Ron and it progresses through Hogwarts too quickly for the reader to digest events.
  20. Donimo

    Donimo Groundskeeper

    Jul 4, 2015
    Being courageous and noble isn't dumb luck.