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Oneshot The Last Dance by Carmine - M

Discussion in 'General Fics' started by iLost, Jul 21, 2011.

  1. iLost

    iLost Minister of Magic

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    Title: The Last Dance
    Author: Carmine
    Rating: M
    DLP Category: General
    Pairing: Harry/Tracey
    Words: 6,561
    Published: July 20, 2011

    Status: Oneshot
    Summary: In the dead of the night, while his family slumbers, Harry Potter must deal with those seeking retribution against his heroic deeds of yesteryear. Oneshot.
    Link: FF.net

    I wasn't going to put this up for For Review; I figured the author would do that. But it seems he had doubts, so let's find out if this is Library worthy, shall we Carmine?

    Personally, it's a great one-shot that sets out to do what the author wanted. Harry kicking ass, which he does to a satisfying degree. The action scene is done quite well and the action was never too hard to follow throughout. There is sufficient trimming, background, to make me relate to the characters other than Harry.

    The author was imaginative when it came to showing said background, using showing and not telling rather effectively.

    There are a few bumps, though. One there is basically little to no plot there, save a show-case for Harry to kick-ass. This works fine for the author since he wanted to practice a fight scene, but for entry into the Library it's a flaw.

    The other bump was Harry's decision at the end to
    not flee with his family when he had the chance

    It made little sense to me. Carmine explained why in WBA, and I can see the reasoning, just not it reflected in the story.

    Regardless those small things I'm going to go ahead and give this 4/5. One point taken off for there being little plot.

    Either way, I think it deserves a spot in the Library.

    EDIT @ Legion of Melissa: Disagree. The ending is something I forgot to point out. I loved it since it's not something we generally expect to happen in HP fanfiction. That to me made it all the more interesting.


    Checked by Minion, August 19, 2013
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 19, 2013
  2. The Arid Legion

    The Arid Legion Professor

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    Definitely Library worthy. The ending was kinda dissapointing but as an action oneshot it still works great.

    Honestly, I liked that Harry did that. To me at least it wouldn't have made sense if he had gone with them, and besides that if he had the ending would've felt empty and unsatisfying where as now it just kinda feels complete.

    4/5. Brilliant work, the only thing that's keeping it from being 5/5 is the ending.
     
  3. T3t

    T3t Purple Beast of DLP Prestige DLP Supporter

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    Yeah, it's library worthy. Not amazing or captivating on the level of Cauterize, for example, but definitely good.

    4/5.
     
  4. Tenages

    Tenages Order Member DLP Supporter

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    I loved the ending. It's my favorite part about the fic. It leaves you to imagine what happened. Why did Harry laugh? Is it just because Tracey and the kids fled? Or does he have some last trap that kills them. What happened to Tracy and the kids? You get to imagine it for yourself, which in this type of work, I love.

    Also I don't think Harry going to confront his attackers instead of fleeing is a flaw. I thought it made sense. Harry is drawing attention and giving his family time to escape. It's a noble sacrifice. Add to that the bit of hubris that I imagined him having and he's thinking that not only can he draw them away from his family, but confront them and still get away.

    5/5
     
  5. knuckz

    knuckz Seventh Year

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    What Tenages said. 5/5 from me as well, despite the lack of a real plot. It's an interesting scenario.
     
  6. Carmine

    Carmine Unspeakable

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    This was sort of what I went for with the ending. Admittedly, I could have executed it better, but an open ending is what I went for.

    Again, something I was going for, and again, something that could have been done better, but I was attempting to show that this Harry is a pretty prideful person, who didn't want to just admit defeat so easily.

    Thanks for your input, guys.
     
  7. Portus

    Portus Heir

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    Great job. You wrote what is essentially a stellar fight scene, and added in enough backstory clues that it felt complete. Well, aside from the rather abrupt ending, which you might ought to polish and/or extend just a tad.

    My one suggestion is to change the summary a bit. Harry's family isn't slumbering, at least not after the first little bit. The wording makes it seem like he's fighting while they're snoozing away, un-bothered and unaware.

    4.5/5 for what it was. I look forward to seeing more of your work.
     
  8. Shinysavage

    Shinysavage Madman With A Box Prestige

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    The action is fantastic, the writing itself is pretty damn good, and the backstory is nicely done. As has been said though, the ending is very abrupt. Leaving us thinking is good, but it could use some work.

    4/5
     
  9. Republic

    Republic The Snow Queen Prestige DLP Supporter

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    I did not like this. It had good flow, and the action scenes were above average, but that's it.
    I did not like some of the facts we were force-fed, I did not find Harry particularly likeable (not sure if that was on purpose), and goddamnit, I hated the ending. I can accept that some liked it, but it completely ruined everything for me.
    So yeah, there is ministry not-sure-what-the-fuck-his-job-is worker Harry, on his home, with his Slytherin-bitch wife, who apparently was never a Gryffindor, in his home. Then he's attacked. Fight scene. Sends his family away. Fight scene. He kills some dudes, but in the end the dudes kill him.

    Maybe it's just me, but I fail to see the point in this. I had it's good parts, but for the most part, it seems lacking. Not in writing ability, but in content.

    2.5, rounded to 3/5. I don't think it's Library worthy, but it can make the Bin.

    Edit@Carmine: I don't care about the tl;dr, nor did I read it. What I care about is your story, which is the only thing I read from the thread. And from your story, this is the conclusion. If your story needs an essay to explain things, then something is wrong.
     
    Last edited: Jul 22, 2011
  10. Richard

    Richard Supreme Mugwump

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    I agree with Republic on this one. I felt the same way. I'm giving it the same rating.
     
  11. Carmine

    Carmine Unspeakable

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    To this, I say 'fair enough'.

    To this, I also say 'fair enough'. I've made it clear that I wasn't too happy with the ending.

    On the other hand, I don't agree with your opinions on characterisation, etc. In fact, I had a tl;dr essay lined up about it. But I don't want to seem like I'm throwing a sulk.
     
    Last edited: Jul 22, 2011
  12. Nargles

    Nargles Seventh Year

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    So, after reading this, and pondering about Harry's fate, I questioned myself: Sequel?

    Because in all honesty I can appreciate an open ending, but I just don't like them. Damnit, I want some closure! :(

    Other than that, 4.5/5
     
  13. JoJo23

    JoJo23 Auror

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    I liked it a lot. And once again must reiterate my feeling in the wba, the open ending IS the story. You can't take it away people.
    5/5
    Short and sweet, what I expect of a great one-shot.
     
  14. Carmine

    Carmine Unspeakable

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    Whoa, Library for the win.
     
  15. Bill Door

    Bill Door The Chosen One DLP Supporter

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    Right, I promised you a review.

    This right here is exactly what I look for in a oneshot, it's self contained but with enough backstory to make it feel like a larger story. It sets out to be an epic fight scene, and it succeeds at that brilliantly. At no point does it feel overdone or forced, like you're trying to make a story where there isn't one, something I see a lot in this type of oneshot.

    I loved the ending, it fitted the story perfectly. My one complaint is that some of the Death Eater talk felt a bit cliched, but that's only a small nitpick.

    Still an easy 5/5.
     
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