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[Oneshot] The Last Enemy by Rayndeon - T

Discussion in 'Dark Arts' started by ScottPress, Oct 16, 2015.

  1. ScottPress

    ScottPress The Horny Sovereign Prestige

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    Title: The Last Enemy
    Author: Rayndeon
    Rating: T
    Status: Oneshot
    Words:5,584
    Genre: Horror/Drama
    Library category: Dark Arts
    WBA: link
    FFN: link

    Summary: The Hallows were not an ending. Harry returns to the Forbidden Forest after the Battle and finds the Stone -- the start of his salvation and the path to his damnation.

    Fresh stuff from WBA (posted October 15th), but there's no point in waiting when it comes to something this good. A very well written oneshot about Harry's journey down a Dark path. I made it sound corny with this sentence, but it's really good.

    Interesting premise, technically sound, doesn't drag on or rush, a perfect piece. If this isn't Library material, then nothing is. To say more would be to spoil it. Easy 5/5.
     
    Last edited: Oct 17, 2015
  2. Garden

    Garden Minister of Magic

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    I found it mostly unbelievable. The writing was technically good, but

    Harry's descent into evil and murder broke my SoD. If Harry had been doing this stuff for the sake of friends, for a greater cause-- maybe I could see him doing some crazy stuff. He uses the Imperius Curse and Crucio on Death Eaters in canon-- its not too hard to see him using Dark magic (whatever that's supposed to mean) in the pursuit of justice.

    But Harry's whole obsession with defeating Death is pretty counter to his character.

    2.5/5-->3/5



    Edit:

    I'm revising my rating after reading the new version.

    It's much better. from 3/5- -> 4/5

    The writing has gotten better, and the ending is much better. The whole sequence leading up to raising Tom is nice. But there's not enough justification for killing the fetuses and the petty criminals. If you'd added a sentence or two about how Harry had only killed the two fetuses because their lives would have sucked, or something to make it slightly understandable.
    ,
     
    Last edited: Oct 17, 2015
  3. Hymsicality

    Hymsicality Second Year

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    It's really a rather technically proficient piece. A tad disturbing in places and the name dropping was a bit eclectic, but the execution of the idea was top notch. My only real complaint is that it feels like a prologue to a story with all the interesting stuff already done and dusted.

    Still for what it was, it's an easy 5/5 from me.
     
  4. Stalin's Pipe Organs

    Stalin's Pipe Organs Auror

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    5/5

    Only problem with this fic was that I didn't realize it was a oneshot until clicking this thread. :mad:
     
  5. Republic

    Republic The Snow Queen Prestige DLP Supporter

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    Definitely a good one-shot. As far as Dark!Harry goes, this is one of the very few semi-believable ones. The one-shot format works, and the pacing is fast but not too fast. A few questionable choices here and there, but I don't mind them too much.

    4/5 Definitely good enough.
     
  6. Richard

    Richard Supreme Mugwump

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    The fuck? It's a one shot?! GOD DAMNIT!
     
  7. Newcomb

    Newcomb Headmaster

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    I actually liked that it didn't go into some kind of internal justification. It's just something Harry did, and your mind kind of fills in the blanks.

    So, yeah. I enjoyed this a lot. There were some beautiful touches and turns of phrase. I thought the "pivot point" where Harry made the leap and decided to go down that path rang a little hollow. It's... not quite fixed, in the updated version, but I think I believe it a bit better now?

    The end works a lot better, too.

    Really, just a fantastic atmospheric piece. Sets the hook, sets the mood, does a thing, ends before it gets long-winded or boring.

    My initial instinct was to go 4/5 because "HP standards are high" / "it's not /perfect/!" But you know what, if we rated imperfection as an entire point off, nothing would be 5/5 except like two things. 5/5 is "Excellent." This is excellent.

    5/5
     
  8. newageofpower

    newageofpower Professor DLP Supporter

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    My exact feelings.

    Still, it might be better this way. Many author's seem to just blather out pages upon pages of near meaningless words. Rayndeon knew what he wanted to write, and did it.
     
  9. Richard

    Richard Supreme Mugwump

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    True. I tried writing a story on FFnet some years ago. Not really my best move, but for some weird reason, people still favorite the stupid thing, and I never took it down.
     
  10. Radmar

    Radmar Disappeared

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    I don't like when main character is stuck in sume sort of mental loop, incapable of thinking about things other than his obsession. I also don't like post Hogwarts stories.

    That said, it wasn't all bad. Writing can hardly be judged when it's so short, but it did read pleasantly enough. Ending was a bit anticlimantic. I've seen it done before. Blood Crest did it better, in my opinion. 3/5.
     
    Last edited: Oct 17, 2015
  11. Darth V

    Darth V First Year DLP Supporter

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    Amazing. Main problem is the fact that it's "only" a one-shot. Even though it's one of the best I've ever read. A novel-lenght fic using this as starting point could easily become a legendary fic, much like enembee's or The Stranger trilogy.

    4.5/5
     
  12. mmm

    mmm Squib

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    This was really good. It sets the mood perfectly and I found the brevity to be particularly enjoyable. It focuses on all the important details and hits all the right notes. I especially liked the beginning, which beautifully sketched out Harry's motivation for the further pursuit of the immortality. The fact that the ending is open ended wasn't a problem for me - by the end the story has achieved what it set out to do.

    5/5
     
  13. AmishGoat

    AmishGoat Squib

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    Very nice. The starting point is believable, very in character to start off with. It seems to really capture the descent despite its brevity. Also really enjoyed the comparisons to people. Nice little touches like that here and there really made the atmosphere:

    The parallel with "Hallows, not Horcruxes" switching later to "Horcruxes, not Hallows" is an example. Really, really cool.

    Technical writing is sound, or at least I've not noticed any mistakes.

    5/5 - Well done.
     
  14. Nazgus

    Nazgus Order Member

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    Very good one shot that accomplishes exactly what it sets out to do. Extending it would almost cheapen it, which is always a sign of a great one shot.

    5/5
     
  15. illya_

    illya_ First Year

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    Definitely one of my favorite fanfiction.

    One of the thing it does particularity well is it's usage of the books material on the subject, it is used to it's fullest. The authors usage of quotes and concepts from them helps anchoring the story to it's world.
    This is also why I really like that the story ends were it does, anything more (than whats implied) would go beyond canon. And while it could be a great thing it most often isn't as it then transcends fanfiction into fiction.

    So in order not to taint this gem I hope any future continuations will be posted as a sequel.


    The pacing is well done and fitting for the format. While it surely speeds through I believe it spends just enough time at critical situations.

    I'll continue my review using a spoiler-tag below.
    The language helps to convey Harry's descent. You can clearly see how his world view changes and the living gradually become misguided delusional beings, fit only to help him achieve his quest. In the end their dying does not matter as once he has finished (no internal questioning IF, but when) they could be brought back anyway.

    The changes to his character is mostly justified, though the biggest hurdle would be in the beginning when the dead dear to him were so much more important than those living that he still had. After that it's just the wonderful mad descent.

    especially memorable parts include:
    Yea, nothing could go wrong here... nothing at all...

    Sour grapes ;)

    Edit1: If I would change anything it would be removing for instance Marilyn Monroe, since just seeing her name breaks the immersion a little. Ofc I understand that bringing up famous muggles helps illustrate how Harry's world view is 'expanding' in such a way that ordinary living people are deemed rather unimportant. But I think the same thing could still be achieved with just the Hogwarts founders and/or other famous made up wizards and witches.

    5/5

    edit2: fixed spelling
     
    Last edited: Oct 23, 2015
  16. Rayndeon

    Rayndeon Professor

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    Thanks for the reviews all. I just wanted to respond briefly to one point you made, @ilya_ .

    The changes to his character is mostly justified, though the biggest hurdle would be in the beginning when the dead dear to him were so much more important than those living that he still had.

    My likewise spoiler-tagged reply:

    Dumbledore specifically gave him the Stone to shore up Harry's resolve at the end of DH to face Voldemort with the intention to die. As close as he was with Ron and Hermione, they were not the ones who were with him at the "end" -- it was the dead, as provided by the Stone. On this vein, I tried to draw on what canonically happened to Cadmus. Recall that he became so obsessed with the vision of his beloved that he eventually committed suicide to be with her -- the influence of the Stone is pernicious and seductive in that way. One eventually loses sight of the living in favor of the dead. Hence, his parents quote Dumbledore: "It doesn't do to dwell on dreams and forget to live."

    And Harry who has not only lost many loved ones, but feels personally responsible for their deaths, is even more susceptible to the influence of the Stone. He has failed Sirius, Remus, Tonks, even Colin and Fred, in his own mind. (And I wouldn't be surprised if a part of him even assigns a certain amount of irrational self-blame for the deaths of his parents) Combined with his deepest hopes and desires as revealed in the Mirror of Erised, where Harry desires in his heart of hearts to be with his loved ones and friends and with the Stone providing a way for him to do that -- it's like all of his dreams suddenly became true. When it was suddenly taken away from him, Harry was in a position no better than someone going through heroin withdrawal or something similar.

    He then seeks to conquer death to regain what he had lost with the Stone -- in a way, it's the ultimate perversion of his "saving-people-thing." It's his way of saving everyone and regaining the family and love he lost -- and damning himself in the process.

    As I've said elsewhere though, ultimately it's not too important what I intended to convey. What matters is whether you, the reader, can glean the ideas I've tried to impart and that's mostly dependent on how the text itself is written. So, I hope that clears up what I was trying to get at with the transitory phase between Harry's obsession with the Stone and his subsequent fall and most of all, I hope that the text itself is able to impart that.
     
    Last edited: Oct 23, 2015
  17. illya_

    illya_ First Year

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    I guess my wording was a bit clumsy (did I really write 'mostly justified'? oh dear :eek:). I did not mean that it was in any way far fetched that Harry would succumb to the stone they way he did. I just meant that in the initial part of his development/descent he would still have more things keeping him sane*, but after that all bets are off seeing how dead people became his world.


    (In short, I disagreed with Garden about 'there's not enough justification for killing the fetuses and the petty criminals')

    *Indeed, Harry's character and the situation can explain how that would come to happen. I think you neatly described how the situation left him vulnerable enough for the stone to take its hold.
     
  18. Lysianda

    Lysianda Squib

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    Well it's technically very competent and well written. The style is perhaps a little bit of a cliche for this type of thing by now. The beginning just doesn't quite come across as fully believable. The ending is wonderful though, I have to admit I wish I could see where it goes from there.

    4/5
     
    Last edited: Oct 24, 2015
  19. Kinser

    Kinser Fourth Year

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    I only have one real criticism...it is a oneshot. Seriously, for me that is the only flaw. 5/5
     
  20. SurprisinglyBitter

    SurprisinglyBitter Squib

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    I've always wanted to read a story where
    The Stone is actually a driving point
    .

    5/5, thanks friend.
     
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