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Complete The Lie I've Lived by jbern - M

Discussion in 'General Fics' started by jbern, Feb 9, 2007.

  1. jbern

    jbern Alba Mater

    Joined:
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    Messages:
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    Location:
    Virginia
    Category: Harry Potter
    DLP Category: Independent Harry
    Title: The Lie I've Lived
    Genre: Action/Adventure/Romance
    Rating: Fiction Rated: M
    Chapters: 24
    Words: 234,571
    Updated: May 28, 2009
    Published: February 9, 2007
    Status: Complete

    Summary: Not all of James died that night. Not all of Harry lived. The Triwizard Tournament as it should have been and a hero discovering who he really wants to be.

    URL: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3384712/1/

    Well here is my entry into the challenge. Hope you enjoy the start.

    Jim


    Checked by Minion, July 28, 2013
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 28, 2013
  2. fatthom

    fatthom Squib

    Joined:
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    I very much enjoy the first person perspective.

    The idea of channelling James should lead to some pretty funny situations. I wonder what will happen when "James" tries to go all Prongs in the wrong body. Something will happen, but I bet it won't be a stag.

    I do hope that you can keep up with all of your stories.

    Thanks for the good stories.
     
  3. Randeemy

    Randeemy Headmaster DLP Supporter

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    Nice introduction. I look forward to this write off. I have not yet read any of your work Jbern, nor Vash's. So I can be completly impartail. Unlike ^ this guy who is clearly a fan of yours Good luck
     
  4. k_writer

    k_writer Groundskeeper

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    Well, off the bat, I should tell you that there is some tense confusion in this. Some examples: "Percy had a mean streak doesn’t he?" and "I excused myself and head for Professor Lupin’s classroom" should be "Percy had a mean streak, didn't he?" and "I excused myself and headed for Professor Lupin's classroom." You're writing this in past tense I'm sure, since Harry is narrating 'it all started with...' at the beginning.

    Other than that (it's only a few instances in the first few paragraphs), I'm liking it, but this chapter for me was a little short. I feel like there should have been a little something more left at the end. The momentum was gathering but for me it didn't reach a level of satisfactory intrigue...

    I enjoyed the little hints you sprinkled through Harry's daily activities that link to this other consciousness, this other life (especially the Quidditch drill), but I can't help wanting something more startling to have happened at chapter's end. What, I can't rightly say...ah poo.

    Good start, looking forward for more, hope next chapter is a little longer, watch your tense confusion, and yeah....that's all.

    3.5/5 so far for me.


    EDIT:
    Rob just hit the nail on the head or however that expression goes for why this chapter felt a little anti-climactic to me.
     
    Last edited: Feb 9, 2007
  5. mcatrage

    mcatrage Raptured to Hell

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    Only one chapter so far so it is kind of hard to really tell. Though the harry/Fleur pairing will keep me reading it.

    I just hope its more like a slight integration of personalities and not like James completely takes over.

    3/5 for now.
     
  6. Rob

    Rob Looked into the void

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    Okay, time for a non-"I love you plz have my babies" review.

    This is really interesting, and in a good way. The plot, I'm sure, will be interesting, if you have one at all. The plot device is what intrigues me more. Harry as James. Interesting idea.

    What lacks here is execution. Your spelling and grammar is atrocious -- not as bad as your other work that I've briefly perused, mind, but still brutal enough to make me want to stab you with Microsoft Word's grammar check. Your plot, as it stands, is non-existent. There is a difference between having a plot device and a plot; Harry becoming partly James is not a plot. I know you've said that you'll be redoing GOF and whatnot, but you can't just throw in Harry becoming knowledgeable just for the sake of it. There needs to be an overreaching story arc that explains both why Harry is becoming stronger and why that's significant, for your story to hold any merit other than "Let's make Harry strong, and see what happens!" That's called pandering to the masses, and you have more talent than just doing that.

    Let's talk about your use of first person. In the first couple paragraphs you've used it effectively, but after that, it wasn't effective at all. You need to seriously sit down and think why you're using first person, and what purpose it serves (and if the answer is 'because it's cool', shame on you!). First person, in my opinion, at least, uninformed as it may or may not be, is generally used to get inside the protagonist's head. That instantly guarantees that your character will be introspective, something which Harry is, but I don't think you've conveyed adequately. I do like that you have a bit of levity in the situation in that Harry is out there playing Quidditch, but I think you can also address the events in PoA much more, considering the time period - this is a largely uncharted area in canon and if you're going to do a fic that works in this time you need to expand on the events that are presented in the last chapter of PoA and the first of GoF and meld them together.

    If you want to have a hope of honestly beating Vash and BioPlague, given the terms, you need to clean this up. They might not have legions of admirers or readers, but what they write is clean and well-driven. You are honestly the underdog here, and any pretense or pomp on your half will not make things turn out well. Write from the perspective of a new author. Reinvent yourself, and you'll win. The true spirit of the challenge should not be producing wank material for 200,000 people. It's about producing something artistically viable and something that will make you grow and evolve in your writing.

    You've got a concept down. Now work on the execution. You can't get more than a 3/5 out of me because you have concept but no execution, and I think the things that I've mentioned in this will drop it to a 2.5/5, so far. But I'm not voting yet. This is a good start, but to win my vote will need to improve upon itself to merit higher. If you clean this up, expect a minimum of a 4 from me. If you're not looking to compete with this, then you can have a 4/5, but I'm looking for this contest to put out some high-quality work, and I won't accept half-arsed work earning my vote.
     
  7. gadriam

    gadriam Second Year

    Joined:
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    Location:
    Sweden
    On a scale from 3 to 7 this is a 6. I'm generally uncritical about Jbern's work, and since my grip on English is tenuous at best i rarely deal with grammar or spelling.
    There tempusfluctuations were originally completely ignored by me, due to the fluent language. If it sounds good in my head i don't complain. If it doesn't, i'll bitch.
    This chapter is a bit sketchy to me. Things are happening all over the place, and i can't really feel a direction. There are no clear deviations from the main lode, but it's pulling in all kinds of directions, as free men tend to do. Staying in line, but just barely.
    This is nitpicking. It really doesn't matter. I'm just saying.

    I agree that a plot is needed, not just a plotdevice, but since the setting is so well known i feel no need to establish an arc in the very first chapter. I'm now heading to check out the competitors, but i don't care if they're Ernest Hemingway and Jules Verne, i'll still return to this one just for the PROMISE of a plot.

    I've given up on bitching authors for updates, since i'm sure those who care writes as fast as they can anyway, but i really need the next chapter badly.
    Great job!

    g
     
    Last edited: Feb 9, 2007
  8. jbern

    jbern Alba Mater

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    Thanks for the commentary especially Rob's critique. Though, in fairness, I ran it through word and grammar check on MS Word 2003. As for plot versus plot device, it's only chapter 1. How much plot do most stories have in the 1st chapter? Give it a chance and let it evolve.

    I realize that my mechanics are dreadful. You should have seen how bad it was before I went through it several times. That would be the reason I use Betas. So, I will do my best on the grammar and punctuation, but focus primarily on the story-telling aspect.

    As a result of the contest, I'll probably be a lot less responsive on this story as opposed to my other two. I plan to keep the chapters between 3-6000 words (this one only weighed in at around 2600) and keep the updates flowing at a respectable pace.

    For what to expect, a whole different Triwizard Tournament is a start. The original 3 tasks may or may not be there. A small side story will be a 'team' competition, because you would think that there would be an individual and team competitions at such a gathering after all 3 individual tasks over 9 months is kind of lame. So, there will be more tasks and it should be about what school produces the best students not who the best student at a given school is.

    As for Harry(James), the story is more along the lines of his growth as a hero. You'll just have to wait and see.

    Jim
     
  9. Mage

    Mage Chief Warlock DLP Supporter

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    Well I am horrible at spelling and grammar so that didn't really bug me, however even i did pick up a few tense issues. As a side note, don't rely on word for grammar checks, it is not a great source.

    Now for the story itself, nothing really stands out so far, the Harry/James personalities should be interesting since Im all for a more popular and likeable Harry however be very careful about making Harry to powerful or knowledgeable, as that is a very big turnoff for me, and a lot of other people.

    I'll reserve judgement for now but if i had to rate this it would be between 3-3.5/5. Still looking forward to your next updates
     
  10. Antivash

    Antivash Until we meet again... DLP Supporter Retired Staff

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    Ill not deny its most certainly an interesting concept, but it just didnt grab my attention for some reason. I didnt really see much WRONG, it just... didnt interest me enough, to be honest.

    Im sure im the only one with this opinion, but to me, it seemed very ... bland is the best I can describe it.
     
  11. yojorocks

    yojorocks Seventh Year

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    I have to agree with Rob on this one. I like the idea, but you need a "why" and a "how". I honestly didn't expect it to happen in the first chapter, maybe not in the first three chapters, but you really need both of those answered before I'll vote. The premise is something that I personally haven't seen before, but I am interested in seeing it through the first few chapters at least.

    What I really want to know is how the time turner or dementor experience caused this... resurgence, for lack of a better term. If it was induced by mental trauma, how come it didn't affect him in the CoS "I'm dying from venom" scene? If it was cause by using a time turner, how come people in the past haven't gotten possessed by their parents or whatnot? What makes this so unique of an occurence?

    Most importantly, why did this happen. Not only why did James/fate/God/whatever do it, but why are you doing it? Do you want to explore a more intelligent Harry? Do you want to see Harry being a miniature adult like Hermione? Do you want Harry to be a pranking demon? Did you want Harry to have some sort of guiding light in his life in the form of his father's memories? What are you trying to accomplish here?

    If this is a mere what-if type of prompt you tossed around, so be it. It could make an amusing read even if nothing ever really happens. However, both of your other stories have main points: Bungle demonstrates Harry trying to create his own life and the struggles of standing on one's own two feet; Darkness is about how human everyone, from good to evil, everyone really is, and explores how much pressure someone can take before they snap. What will this show? How to screw with people old enough to be your son or daughter? How to screw with fate, time, and destiny? What is the purpose going to be in this? In both Bungle and Darkness you established this very quickly...

    And as much as I hate to bring this up, you already have two stories on your plate: were to planning to try to write all three concurrently? Is this a side project to kill a plot bunny, or are you going to make this a main story?

    Overall, it sounds like you could have fun with this fic, but I'm reserving judgment until I see some conflict. Right now it tastes too much like Uber!Harry and his bag of instant Powers!
    3/5
     
  12. deathinapinkboa

    deathinapinkboa Minister of Magic

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    I like it. I rarely notice issues with spelling and grammar, and you're not exception. I didn't much like Bungle in the Jungle (there is a reason so few people right in 2nd person), but I'm looking foward to updates here.
     
  13. Cthulu

    Cthulu Unintelligent Bigot

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    Besides the obvious lack of a clear plot and the (in my opinion) minor grammatical errors, I find this to be a great fic... That is, if it were a 5k one-shot humor fic....


    The lack of plot, half-assed 1st person style (sorry but, really, it is) and the grammar errors (however scarce) renders my rating of this fic to a mere 2/5, but work a bit on the grammar and brush up on the 1st person thingy, and you'll soon earn yourself a 4/5.

    I'll withhold my rating until at least two more chapters are posted.




    And yes, I do know that my grammar sucks. But i reserve the right to criticize others, even if I couldn't to better myself.
     
    Last edited: Feb 9, 2007
  14. Zevrillion

    Zevrillion Founder Retired Staff

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    As this is only the first chapter I will reserve my vote for later. You said it will be at least 30k+ or something so I won't start "commenting" before I have read more and know where you are going with it.

    As a first chapter it seemed quite original to me but I and probably others view on James aren’t that good. At least not here at dlp I think. Hopefully it won’t diminish the story.​
     
  15. Yarrgh!

    Yarrgh! Pirate King

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    I'm going to echo Rob's opinion to the word, and add that it's 'Moony', not 'Mooney'.

    http://www.hp-lexicon.org/wizards/mwpp.html

    Been thinking about Paul Mooney, have we? ;P

    Just pay more attention to keeping the tense correct, and there should be a relative improvement. Also, you're going to have to spice up your plot considerably to make this work. More hardships to endure, and more obstacles to surpass. Just the Triwizard tournament won't work completely in that respect.

    As of now, I'd have to give it an honest vote of 2.75/5, but I'm sure you can make it far, far better. Take the opportunity to edit the first chapter and fix the mistakes, unless that's against the rules.
     
  16. Ferdia84

    Ferdia84 Squib

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    The grammar errors didn't distract from the story. Wouldn't be to concerned that no plot has reviled itself. All of Jbrens stories have been original and entertaining .

    PS: Is there a link to other authors taken up this challenge
     
  17. ChuckDaTruck

    ChuckDaTruck Overlord

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    Too early for me to vote honestly. I wish you good luck though. I'll be reading to see where you take this. First chapter is too soon for honest critique though.

    And on that note :Raises starter pistol:

    AND THEY'RE OFF!!! :D
     
  18. mjc

    mjc Seventh Year

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    The lack of betas shows...but like so many NaNoWriMO projects, things can be fixed later. Remember, this is a contest of sorts...a write off, so somethings can be forgiven. And even at that, it is better than many stories that claim to have been through a beta or two.

    Plot?

    I'd say that there are several ways it could go. There are a couple of what I would call plot seeds, but it is still too early to scream about the lack of one. This is going to be a ten to fifteen chapter story...so chapters one or two without much real plot isn't too bad. If it were any shorter, then yes, it would be a problem.

    As it is, it is still too early to vote on it...
     
  19. haroon_angel

    haroon_angel Fourth Year

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    Nicely written

    That's all you have to say? If that's all, then don't bother. Try giving a little more than that next time.

    -Dark Syaoran.
     
  20. Nukular Winter

    Nukular Winter The Chosen One DLP Supporter

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    Good start, great potential.

    The only glaring issue is the occasional verb-tense mismatch, but since that's already been brought up I'll speak to the POV discussion.

    FWIW, I don't see using 1st-person as a gimmick, necessarily. I think that during the portion of the story dealing with the integration of Harry and James,the 1st-person narrative voice provides probably the best means to illustrate how the process affects Harry. The other thing that the 1st-person limited view provides is a very narrow window into the plot, vis-a-vis the reader only being allowed to see what Harry sees (like in Bungle -- although this is less of an issue right now as the narration is still in the past tense). Used correctly, it's a good way to maintain tension.

    Since we're not allowed to beta, I suppose I'll just offer this by way of review: don't get too caught up with what Harry's doing at any particular moment and forget that there's a lot of stuff happening off-screen that's going to affect James/Harry (Jarry?).

    -Sean
     
    Last edited: Feb 9, 2007