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'The Night They Remembered' by angelofdreams13 - M

Discussion in 'Almost Recommended' started by Silens Cursor, Nov 25, 2008.

  1. Silens Cursor

    Silens Cursor The Silencer DLP Supporter

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    Title: The Night They Remembered (oneshot)
    Author: angelofdreams13
    Rating: M on FFN.net (but by the standards here, probably T - mild elements of BDSM and implied smut)
    Genre: Romance
    DLP Category: Romance
    Pairing: Harry/Tonks
    Status: complete (oneshot, but just over 14,000 words)
    Summary: "The war has begun, but Harry's worst danger now is inside of him. To free him from this poison, Moody and Tonks devise a plan - to get Harry to have sex with Tonks and subsequently break the curse. But can she follow through when her own feelings interfere?"
    Link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4373628/1/The_Night_They_Remembered

    Special Notice: As a relatively new user on DLP and one who is looking for critical (if harsh) views on his story, I'm bringing this little oneshot forward. It's not my best work, but those I wrote it for (HP Traditions challenge over LiveJournal) rather liked it, and I'm curious about other opinions. Arm your flamethrowers... you have a target.
     
  2. Kai Shek

    Kai Shek Supreme Mugwump

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    I only just started reading it, but I can already tell you that you need to set the scene a little better. Maybe rewind a little bit and get inside Tonks head before jumping straight into dialogue.
     
  3. Andro

    Andro Master of Death DLP Supporter

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    I dislike the premise on principal. The plots that necessitate falling in love rarely work out, see Primal Magic by someone on FFnet.

    Moody saying that? You don't need to openly use gruffly as an adjective, but it has to be reflected in the characterization.

    Nice fluff though. They should have tried a hooker first. XD
     
    Last edited: Nov 25, 2008
  4. Averis

    Averis Don of Delivery ~ Prestige ~

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    I read it. I enjoyed it. It's no blockbuster by any stretch of the imagination, but the end you were writing towards kind of hindered the growth of the story. Tonks sleeps with Harry? Okay. Tonks has to sleep with Harry during a ritual in order to cleanse himself of a psychic sickness? Nah, I'll pass.

    But I think you have talent as an author, and if you would pick up a better plot you would write something very good. In fact, I suggest you do just that!

    I don't know what I would rate this -- somewhere between a 3 and a 4 I suppose. I'm high, so I hope I'm not too off base when I say that this is Library worthy. If not that, at least in the Recycling Bin.
     
  5. Lincos

    Lincos Professor DLP Supporter

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    Just one thing to say which isn't about the fic since I haven't read it. You aren't 'relatively' new, you're VERY new. you've been here less than a month.
     
  6. Silens Cursor

    Silens Cursor The Silencer DLP Supporter

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    Actually, it's more like less than three or four days... but I have been lurking around the forums a bit, so I tend to think it's longer.

    Thanks for the criticism from all - much appreciated.
     
  7. Cathal

    Cathal Sir Nils' Right Hand

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    Read it a while ago, left a review on ff.net. It's not bad but there's lots of space for improvement.

    3/5
     
  8. psihary

    psihary Groundskeeper

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    Not too bad but I had a problem with the plot itself. I feel the same way as Averis(look at the quote). Another thing is I generally dislike one shots which would have been much better presented in a full length story.

    One shot story should present a scene but not an action which takes over prolonged time period. You write a one shot that shows what is like to have to do something you otherwise wouldn't as a mission assignment from Tonks POV(I don't mean the writing style). A one shot full of angst that is for Harry succumbing to the mental poison. You write a one shot of the ritual itself giving small explanations to the reader why is this happening and what has lead to it. Or even a one shot which is just for the smut. But then you combine them all and you need to write a full blown story or else it seems to me at least, that you had the idea and you wanted to write it but then you just felt too lazy to do it. In that case writing a one shot, you make it feeling like a teaser, leaving the reader wanting more but since there isn't it makes him feel the story lacking.

    Don't take it personal its just my opinion on the general case and this falls under it.

    Of course there are a 20 to 30k words one shots out which do cover for some lengthy period of story line but more often than not they suffer from the same problem I described above.

    Still... not bad and indeed shows some skill... keep writing. No rating from me as I'm terribly biased when talking H/T and tend to give too much extra credit just for it...
     
    Last edited: Nov 25, 2008
  9. Silens Cursor

    Silens Cursor The Silencer DLP Supporter

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    I guess then I can understand a few of the reviews asking me to write more or a sequel... considering how badly I've got writer's block right now for my other fics, I might just do that.

    In any case, thanks for the honest criticism - it's really appreciated.
     
  10. Korisovra

    Korisovra Headmaster

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    Decently written. Not spectacular, but not dull, either. The premise is different, and that always drives the rating up.

    3.5/5
     
  11. ZeroTheDestroyer

    ZeroTheDestroyer Auror

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    Well if this goes to Restricted section than why not, let it in there is a lot of creepy shit there.
     
  12. Dirk Diggory

    Dirk Diggory Seventh Year

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    It's good writing around a terrible plot and characterization. Nobody acts like normal human beings would in the same situation. Not to mention the terrible contrivances like "psychic poison".
     
  13. Oz

    Oz For Zombie. Moderator DLP Supporter

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    Is different your way of politely saying stupid?

    Restricted is for actual smut. This, if it got a high enough rating, would go in Romance.

    3/5 Well written, but the premise is just ridiculous. I reckon you could write a pretty good story if the ideas behind it were a bit better than this, so keep trying. Maybe have a look through the Challenges section and maybe you'll find a bit of inspiration. ;)
     
  14. Scott

    Scott Professor DLP Supporter

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    Read it awhile ago, guilty pleasure really. Not worth reading again imo 2.5/5
     
  15. ZeroTheDestroyer

    ZeroTheDestroyer Auror

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    Hmm, we really need more fics in the restricted section. There isn't enough hardcore stuff in there and even the ones that promise anything does not even get to the juicy part.

    Maybe post a challenge or something? Monster girls x Harry?
     
  16. Andro

    Andro Master of Death DLP Supporter

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    What do you mean by monster? o_O
     
  17. ZeroTheDestroyer

    ZeroTheDestroyer Auror

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    By monster I mean: Veela girls, werewolf girls, vampire girls, elf girls etc or something like Harry travels into the Pokegirl world (I am drooling when I think about that).

    But make it dark and readable, but since there is such a lack of it I can care less about plot at this point.
     
  18. Oz

    Oz For Zombie. Moderator DLP Supporter

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    ZeroTheDestroyer is and idiot. -_-
     
    Last edited: Nov 30, 2008
  19. Silens Cursor

    Silens Cursor The Silencer DLP Supporter

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    Thanks for the compliment... we really do need to have a Honks challenge sometime, they are tricky to find in the challenges.

    It's rather interesting to hear criticisms of the premise and the whole 'psychic poison' idea. To be frank, it isn't great, but this story was written as a challenge as well. The criteria was that it was a Honks fic, there was some sort of 'first-time' sexual relationship, and that a magical ritual was involved, preferably Celtic or Wiccan. Combining the three of them is not as easy as it sounds, particularly if you want to remain (roughly) in the confines of canon.

    The only real place for Harry and Tonks to have a 'relationship', as many fanfic writers have realized, is in the summer between 5th and 6th years. Knowing that, the question becomes how to get an Auror roughly six or seven years older than Harry to have sex with him. I figured that Tonks would likely have as much of a problem with it as anyone (I'm not especially comfortable with her as a cougar), so I created the concept of the psychic poison, and the premise that the only way to get rid of it would be if Harry experiences a sexual experience in a ritualized setting (something, if my research is correct, that actually happened during Lughnasadh ceremonies). Makes decent sense in theory, and it also gives Tonks motive (she's under orders... at least initially). I know the premise isn't perfect by any stretch, but it works well to create the encounter.

    Hopefully this explanation at least helps to clarify the premise of the story, even if the characterization isn't perfect. I know this story is not perfect by any stretch... although I'm always looking to improve (surprisingly, I haven't received any of the nastier flame reviews or hatred yet...).

    And by the way, the monster girls challenge seems, well, interesting, to say the least... albeit one I won't be participating in.
     
    Last edited: Dec 2, 2008
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