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WIP The Red Past by Toruviel - M - Star Wars

Discussion in 'Other Fandoms Review Board' started by Toruviel, Feb 17, 2021.

  1. Toruviel

    Toruviel Squib

    Joined:
    May 29, 2006
    Messages:
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    Location:
    Poland
    Title: The Red Past
    Author: Toruviel
    Rating: M
    Genre: Action/Drama
    Status: WIP
    Library Category: Other Fandoms [Star Wars]
    Pairings: Anakin Skywalker/Padme Amidala (background)
    Summary: Hanging below the Cloud City, in shock and pain, abandoned by friends dead and alive alike, Luke Skywalker knew better than to ask for help for the third time. He begged for understanding instead.
    The Force heard.
    Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11402409/chapters/25539126?view_adult=true

    Yeah, I'm posting my own story. Don't @ me. I know it's not perfect, ok, far from it, but it has it's strong points too. The premise is simple: Luke Skywalker is not rescued after Bespin but instead travels back in time to the era of the Republic and strong Jedi Order. The story mainly explores how war (and trauma in general) can affect a person, and how strange it was that there was a whole generation of people fighting to restore a republic they had never known, never experienced. How would reality compare to the dream?

    Strong points of the story include fairly complex characters and motivations, decent pacing and an amazing Palpatine, manipulative and subtle and dangerous. And quite a lyrical writing style, if you like this kind of thing. Weak points include occasional spelling errors, trying to force all my ideas into one story and lyrical writing, which can sometimes morph into way too much melodrama. (What can I say, it was my first ever story. I've improved since then.)

    I've tried to be objective, but honestly, you'll just have to give it a go and see if you like it. Have fun.
     
  2. Ched

    Ched Da Trek Moderator DLP Supporter

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    Okay, so some kind of Time Travel? Starts off with Luke hanging on and the first chapter is him turning back up when the Jedi Council still exists and talking to a Master... who insists on referring to him as a child and other very child-like descriptors, to the point that it's either (1) awkward as fuck regardless of this guy's age or (2) Luke turned up in a younger body. If it's the second he doesn't ever seem to notice or remark on it so I'm fairly sure it's the first.

    The writing isn't awful but it's not gripping me either - I skimmed the start until something happened, then read the bits with the Jedi Master and Luke trying to figure things out.

    Chapter 2 is lots of telling and not showing, and honestly I ... got a bit bored and moved on to Chapter 3, and it didn't really improve.

    I'm not going to rate this unless I come back and read a bit more of it, but I'm pretty disengaged. I'd estimate it's not going to make the library here.
     
  3. Ched

    Ched Da Trek Moderator DLP Supporter

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    Another note tho - fucking Welcome Back to a 2006 account mate, stay a while.

    If you want real feedback on this try Work-by-Author instead of For Review. Cheers.
     
  4. Donimo

    Donimo High Inquisitor

    Joined:
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    This story is a bit all over the place. The beginning is extremely awkward to the point that I just skipped it. It often strays into the Jedi bashing so common in the fandom. Luke's voice is very out of character. I still enjoyed the story.

    The premise of Luke falling into the same trap as Anakin did with Palpatine's manipulations is good.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 18, 2021
  5. Wyatt Jones

    Wyatt Jones Second Year

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    God damn, it's like you took the Luke who complains about going to Tosche Station to pick up power converters and cranked him up to 11.

    Whiney and angsty - this doesn't read anything like how I imagine Luke would act. His character voice is very off-putting.
     
  6. Republic

    Republic The Snow Queen ~ Prestige ~ DLP Supporter

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    @Donimo Fuck's sake guy, spoilers.
     
  7. Ched

    Ched Da Trek Moderator DLP Supporter

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    I mean. He’s reviewing it and that’s fair game. Spoiler tag is preferred though. I’ll add one.
     
  8. Donimo

    Donimo High Inquisitor

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    Sorry about that.
     
  9. Ched

    Ched Da Trek Moderator DLP Supporter

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    You're fine.
     
  10. Drachna

    Drachna Fourth Year

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    Yeah, I really like the story as it stands at the moment. Your writing improved leaps and bounds from chapter to chapter, and I really like where you're leading Luke. That being said, I think a majority of the characters you've written are at least moderately ooc, and some of the names you've come up with for your ocs are a bit too wacky for my tastes.
    3.5/5 (Rounding up - The SW library needs more stories.)
     
  11. Johnnyseattle

    Johnnyseattle Chief Warlock DLP Supporter

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    Man, this is an odd one. I'm quite enamored with most of it really - you have a way of describing things that makes imagining their appearance or feeling fairly vivid to me, and that's great for the SW universe. There's really only one thing weighing it down for me.

    Luke.

    In so many words, he's a bit of a bitch. The PTSD thing I can handle, and it's written pretty well compared to a lot of other stories, but the way he interacts with Mace is just ridiculous - I can't imagine a master putting up with that level of complete obstinance and disobedience from anyone, to say nothing of someone they suspect of possibly killing another master, and possibly his old one. In this respect, it feels like a run-of-the-mill indy!Harry story from the Potter universe where authority figures just let him run rampant over everything, and it's a bit jarring to see it in the Jedi ranks.

    Despite this, I blew through what you've written up to now, and am quite enjoying it. Palpatine in particular is just as creepy and sleazy as he is on screen, and you're mentally screaming for Luke not to fall for it the whole time they're in a scene together. Good stuff.

    4 out of 5 for me up to now.
     
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