1. Hi there, Guest

    Only registered users can really experience what DLP has to offer. Many forums are only accessible if you have an account. Why don't you register?
    Dismiss Notice
  2. Hey DLP authors, there's a bit less than a month left to wow us with your story about Daphne or Azkaban.

    The Author applies the words to the paper or it gets the hose. Write or die! The more the merrier.

    Click here for more information!
    Dismiss Notice

Oneshot The Smiling Man by cloneserpents - T

Discussion in 'Dark Arts' started by The-Hyphenated-One, Jun 4, 2007.

  1. The-Hyphenated-One

    The-Hyphenated-One Chief Warlock DLP Supporter

    Joined:
    Sep 5, 2006
    Messages:
    1,440
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Seattle
    Title: The Smiling Man
    Author: cloneserpents
    Rating: PG-13
    Genre: Horror
    DLP Category: Dark Arts
    Pairing: Ginny/Draco Harry/Hermione
    Words: 7,357
    Published: May 31, 2007
    Status: Oneshot

    Summary: Fugitives Draco and Ginny try to find a place to hide in the "Screams" universe. Post HBP DARK FIC


    Link: Ficwad
    Link: Fanfiction.net

    Another Dark fic from cloneserpents that comes from the Screams universe. Another good read.


    Other fics of the "Screams" universe:

    Screams:
    Link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3548714/1/Screams
    DLP-Thread: https://forums.darklordpotter.net/showthread.php?t=5922

    Reunion:
    Link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3662838/1/Reunion
    DLP-Thread: https://forums.darklordpotter.net/showthread.php?t=6488




    Checked by Minion, Nov 24, 2012
    The story was deleted on Ficwad.
    I added the links to the other stories of the "Screams" universe
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 24, 2012
  2. thisperson

    thisperson Denarii Host DLP Supporter

    Joined:
    Oct 29, 2006
    Messages:
    710
    Ermm...keep getting that stupid HTTP 500 Error message.
    Will read later, but considering the first one was great this one seems promising as well.
     
  3. DreamRed

    DreamRed Seventh Year

    Joined:
    Apr 14, 2006
    Messages:
    224
    Location:
    UK
    Very dark, but very well done. You can still see the plot coming from miles away, but it's got a better creep factor than Screams. Almost makes you feel sorry for the pair of them at the end. 4.5/5
     
  4. thapagan

    thapagan High Inquisitor

    Joined:
    Jun 24, 2006
    Messages:
    577
    Well I think the ending gets DLP bonus points.
     
  5. The Dark Monarch

    The Dark Monarch Backtraced

    Joined:
    Jan 11, 2006
    Messages:
    638
    Location:
    Stuck in the bleeding hot desert
    Kick ass hardcore.

    5/5
     
  6. Dark Minion

    Dark Minion Bright Henchman Moderator DLP Supporter

    Joined:
    Sep 22, 2006
    Messages:
    2,231
    Great stuff. Despite the same background not just an iteration but a more detailed variation of the first one with a slightly differend end. And we learn more about the relation of Harry and Hermione.

    5/5
     
    Last edited: Jun 5, 2007
  7. Richard

    Richard Supreme Mugwump

    Joined:
    Jul 5, 2006
    Messages:
    1,789
    Location:
    California
    Hmm...a fantastic story here. Very nice. I loved it.

    5/5 for me.

    Richard.
     
  8. Garret P.I.

    Garret P.I. Backtraced

    Joined:
    May 30, 2007
    Messages:
    420
    Location:
    Seattle, WA.
    I read this one earlier today.... Frankly I found it mediocre.

    Screams was very good, but this just lacked any ooomph for me.

    That and I think that he dragged the ending out to sound like a bad campfire story...

    "Till the end of her days... she was haunted by the memory." blah blah blah... yeah yeah... all you're lacking now is the guy with a hook for his hand who escapes from the mental asylum.

    I'd have given it 4 stars if he'd not hashed up the ending. Instead... 3.5/5
     
    Last edited: Jun 6, 2007
  9. Seeing that Ficwad seems to be extra hosed lately, I’ll list the ffn address where I have “The Smiling Man” posted:

    http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3568551/1/

    “The Smiling Man” is a completed one shot continuation of “Screams”, but Ficwad locked up while I was loading it and it does not show up in any of my “manage/edit” functions so I cannot change the status.

    Shawn (a k a cloneserpents)
     
  10. Big D on a Diet

    Big D on a Diet Minister of Magic DLP Supporter

    Joined:
    Jan 12, 2006
    Messages:
    1,305
    Location:
    In a sealed bunker, waiting for J-Day
    I enjoyed the extra length, and particularly liked the glimpse into Harry and Hermione's personal interaction, but the point that Garret made about the ending was fair. Should've at least mutilated Ginny a little, and that's coming from someone who doesn't actually hate her. 5/5

    Big D
     
  11. KenderCleric

    KenderCleric Lord of Plot Bunnies

    Joined:
    Nov 26, 2006
    Messages:
    652
    Location:
    Terra Atlantus
    Draco getting killed is always an instant 4/5 for me, but this went further and included Ginny. She might not have died, but mentally tortured Ginny is just as good.

    5/5
     
  12. thisperson

    thisperson Denarii Host DLP Supporter

    Joined:
    Oct 29, 2006
    Messages:
    710
    Since the Edit button seems to have gone missing for more than a day I figured I should just post in a new message.

    Expected Harry to leave Ginny to be blamed at the least, but letting her walk away unscathed seemed stupid.
    I enjoyed everything else in the story, it was just that nothing happened to Ginny that bugs me.

    Screams would be an excellent universe for more one-shots of this kind, maybe one with Delores and Fudge being mutilated for their doing?

    4/5 The insight we get into the Harry and Hermione was very nice, I was hoping for a torture scene, mayhaps you will include one in a later shot. Some points off for using the whole "injured Draco begging for a shot at redemption, at the burrow (it is always that damn burrow) gets Ginny to fall madly in love with him and then she discover it was all a lie but later he really did fall in love with her and is really sorry even though he did bad things he could have prevented" cliche.

    Otherwise it was a decent one-shot.
     
  13. Dark Minion

    Dark Minion Bright Henchman Moderator DLP Supporter

    Joined:
    Sep 22, 2006
    Messages:
    2,231
    There was no need for Harry and Hermione to torture Ginny, as they probably didn't know about Tonks death at her hand. And blowing Draco was punished with forcing her to watch the entire scene.

    I think it is the different outcome that makes it interesting. There are series of one-shots which just repeat the same plot element over and over again, with only minor variations.

    Ok - the Draco is found behind the Burrow ... is a damn cliché that has been existing since Tom Felton started to pose as Malfoy. But that they really break up later is a rare plot element. Usually she eventually forgives him everything. That she lives on disgusted of herself I haven't seen before.
     
  14. Dark Magic

    Dark Magic Denarii Host

    Joined:
    Jan 23, 2007
    Messages:
    135
    One couldn't have hoped for a better ending.

    5/5
     
  15. Giovanni

    Giovanni God of Scotch

    Joined:
    Aug 4, 2005
    Messages:
    8,620
    Location:
    Gilligan's Island
    Shame on all of you who wanted mutilation. This Ginny Death is good enough to win the annual Ginny Kill-Off! Anyone can come up with horrible physical tortures (even though they've all been done before, see: The Office) but making someone die a slow death over 20 years. That's epic.

    5/5
     
  16. Mindless

    Mindless Big Boss DLP Supporter

    Joined:
    Dec 31, 2006
    Messages:
    1,355
    Location:
    United States
    This gave me a somewhat "Donnie Darko" feel. That's pretty badass.

    5/5
     
  17. Richard

    Richard Supreme Mugwump

    Joined:
    Jul 5, 2006
    Messages:
    1,789
    Location:
    California
    Ya, I saw that movie myself, but the story didn't give me a rememberence of Donnie Darko however. Weird movie by the way...

    Ginny being tortured is always nice...along with Herman Granger...never did like Harry/Hr pairings though, but this one fits I suppose.

    I generally "try" to stay away from Harry/Herman pairings, but I'll read it if its really really really good. But...big but here, there's hardly any good ones I'll put up with that pairing...which is "none" so far, actually...

    Richard.
     
  18. Warlocke

    Warlocke Prisoner

    Joined:
    Sep 17, 2006
    Messages:
    2,942
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    The armpit of Ohio
    I couldn't agree more. However, I will ramble on more... a lot more.

    Regardless of how anyone feels about Ginny, in this fic she's really only guilty of being horribly duped and accidentally killing Tonks. She wasn't even being the fabled 'Ginslut' here. She really was pouring her heart and soul into her relationship with Draco. Draco tempting her with the idea of being able to have a family together is what finally convinced her to use the Imperius on Neville and she is absolutely devastated when she learns of Malfoy's duplicity.

    Hermione, however, sure has Draco pegged, doesn't she? He really is just a pussy, just like she said. He's all smooth confidence when he's trying to manipulate someone but when the shit hits the fan, he panics. One minute he's telling Ginny to let him handle things and that he's skilled with the Imperius (nothing to be proud of, Mr. Malfoy) and the next he's pissing himself in fear of being blamed for Neville's death.

    Anyway... Harry and Hermione don't know about Tonks, so that can't be figured into their decision to let Ginny go. Bearing that in mind, letting her live with the knowledge of her stupidity and the loss of her dreams is as harsh as the sentence needs to be.

    Furthermore, Harry seems pretty content to let Hermione call the shots here and she chose to simply restrain Ginny whilst treating her with condescension for her stupidity. It's no skin off Harry's nose if Ginny is on the run with Draco, so why should he do anything to her? The minute Draco starts to insult Hermione, however- *POW* Harry's priorities here are fairly clear and you have to wonder what would have happened if Ginny had chosen to insult Hermione too. If one of them had tried to hurt Hermione, he'd probably tear them limb from limb. The only real question there, is if he'd use magic or his bare hands.

    I enjoyed that we know Draco's being sincere about loving Ginny and Harry knows it too but that still doesn't buy the tow-headed bastard one ounce of leniency. Sorry chump, not getting away this time.

    And for a look at how much death eaters trust each other (or not): If Draco knew that Neville was responsible for the Trio's capture, he could have used that as blackmail material to keep Neville from turning him and Ginny in to the aurors. So why was Malfoy so reluctant to hide out at Longbottom's place? Was he never told about Neville's bargain or was he just afraid Neville would expose Draco's own complicity in the Trio's misfortune to Ginny?

    It's an interesting juxtaposition that, though Harry probably looks more insane on the surface (mute, gaunt, white hair and disfigured face, dishes out all of the torture and brutality), he's likely far more sane and rational than Hermione. In more ways than one, Harry is the stronger of the pair.

    Hermione, on the other hand, merely looks like a recovering invalid with shabby clothes, nothing all that dangerous or disturbing. She does the communicating and seems to do at least some of the decision making. It's deceptive because, in actuality, she seems to be clinging to the frayed edge of sanity a lot more desperately than her companion. Despite this, Harry is content to allow her to be the 'brains' of the operation to a certain extent. It would seem he is deciding where to go but that might just be because he's doing the walking for both of them.

    Harry can't talk and the story doesn't give us his perspective, so, for now, we'll just have to wonder how much is 'going on up there' with him. I'm confident, though, that he falls firmly into the fierce protector and doting caretaker category rather than the obedient, shortly-leashed and virtually mindless attack dog category.

    It's poignant that, in her impromptu lyrics, Hermione asks him 'Please don't leave me'. Sure, she sounds cheerfully deranged (you can't really call her happy, can you) but somewhere deep inside, where there's still some sanity, she fears his absence from her life. She knows that if he were gone, what's left of her world would collapse, so she asks him to stay. It's not just that she relies on him or that they take care of each other; they are each other's world. Above and beyond the other needs he takes care of, it's his companionship that is the last thing keeping her from completely 'losing it' and the same could likely be said in reverse. Practically nothing exists outside of that world except opportunities to give Hermione her screams.

    One can't ignore that Hermione takes every opportunity to give back what she can. She makes sure he eats, constantly provides him with gentle caresses and compliments his looks (even going so far as to compliment his disfigured features). That's something he never got at home and certainly didn't get while imprisoned. She also tries to show him that she's making progress, that what he's doing for her matters and that she appreciates it. These things she does for him are probably the most rational that Hermione does anymore. She seems to put a lot of thought into it.

    I loved the subtle intimacy of Harry drying himself off with the same towel that he used on Hermione, which was arguably more intimate, in a way, than them actually bathing together (though maybe it just struck me that way). I can't help but think that a lot of people would pay attention to the bathing scene, only to scarcely notice that bit with the towel.

    A few grammatical and spelling errors, but still not as many as the average fic. I greatly enjoyed getting another look at these two damaged but devoted souls.

    5/5

    Sheesh, am I a wordy bitch, or what?
     
  19. Big D on a Diet

    Big D on a Diet Minister of Magic DLP Supporter

    Joined:
    Jan 12, 2006
    Messages:
    1,305
    Location:
    In a sealed bunker, waiting for J-Day
  20. malaga

    malaga Auror

    Joined:
    Feb 14, 2007
    Messages:
    639
    Location:
    New Zealand
    Yeah, it made me go 'Towel? Better go check that out.' Your wordy response is definitely good for authors, they can see you actually thought about this.

    I liked the bit where Ginny hears the metal on metal. Most authors don't think about details like this in torture scenes. 5/5 for torturing both Draco and Ginny (in different ways).
     
Loading...
Similar Threads
  1. The-Hyphenated-One
    Replies:
    7
    Views:
    6,606
  2. The-Hyphenated-One
    Replies:
    45
    Views:
    38,721