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TOMD 4: The Tribraggart Tournament

Discussion in 'Real Life Discussion' started by Peace, Oct 14, 2015.

  1. Xepheria

    Xepheria The Benefactor

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    TOMD: Had a massive falling out with my dad over his health, the day before his birthday.

    My father is fat. Borderline obese. He drinks far too much, without realising how much he's drinking. He eats too much, just from snacking all the time. And worst of all, he single-mindedly refuses to admit that there's any problem whatsoever. At 56, turning 57, he's getting on in his years now, and I am frankly terrified that his habits are going to catch up to him. He's an amazing man, and I couldn't have asked for a better dad, but he won't listen. He won't listen to me, he won't listen to his wife, he won't listen to my sisters, and flies off into a rage if you even so much as bring up the topic nowadays.

    I just want my children to know the incredible person that brought me up, my biggest role model in life. I never got to know my grandfather, his father, who died of a heart attack at 64. I'm tearing up as a type this out, because I've tried everything. Encouragement, advice, trying to bring him into my hobbies. Nothing works.

    I don't know what to do.
     
  2. Zombie

    Zombie John Waynes Teeth Prestige DLP Supporter

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    Leave it be. You can be upset, but you can't make him change his entire perspective. Even though it appears he's not listening, he is, which explains the rage he goes into when someone brings it up. You don't just get aggravated about something for no reason, and his biggest problem is probably not wanting to ask for help, or know the direction he needs to go to correct his problems.

    Having someone show concern for him will first come off as being told what to do, and I don't care how old you are, unless I ask for it, I dont' want to fucking hear it. He could have the same mentality in that regard.

    Bolster through, let the issue settle, and approach from a different angle when its not as fresh.
     
  3. Xepheria

    Xepheria The Benefactor

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    That's the issue though - we've done that. We've tried all 360 degrees. This isn't something that's started recently, it's been years now, and he still refuses to change. At this point, it looks like it'll take him having a stroke before he opens his fucking eyes.

    So fucking depressing. Oh well. I'm going to make hot chocolate. Chocolate makes everything better.
     
    Last edited: Mar 1, 2018
  4. Anarchy

    Anarchy Fourth Champion DLP Supporter

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    Just found out my dad has lung cancer. stage 4. weeks to live. I don't know what to do.
     
  5. Psychotic Cat

    Psychotic Cat Order Member

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    It sucks and it's going to hurt, you can't change that. All you can do is live. I'm not all that wise, or good at words, but my uncle was and when cancer got him without about that much warning he taught me, and my cousins how to deal with death. He laughed a lot. Told a lot of stories, talked a lot. Not big heavy secrets he'd had weighing him down, just everything. He wasn't really any different than he'd ever been, same guy same life just, more. He put everything he had into living what he had left. It's going to hurt, nothing changes that. All you can do is save the crying, screaming and punching shit for after and make the most of the time he has left. It won't make picking up the pieces any easier, nothing does, but in the end the the only people you don't lose are the ones who lose you, all anyone can do is leave behind as many good memories as they can for the people who have to keep living.
     
  6. T3t

    T3t Purple Beast of DLP Prestige DLP Supporter

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    TOMD: (tl;dr: got a new job offer which was better than I was expecting)

    Longer version: I'd started looking for a new job back in September of 2017. (This was basically me just emailing all of the recruiters that I'd used in the past and giving them my requirements, which was a specific geographic region and a salary range 30-40% higher than what I make now.)

    It took a bit to get into the swing of things but I had a reasonable number of interviews going. By the end of October I was interviewing with a place I really liked, got to the final stage there, and did well enough that I was pretty confident in my chances. Never heard back, not even with a rejection. (A few months later, the recruiter told me that they'd finally gotten back to them and said that while they really liked me, they'd gone with another candidate, who was technically weaker but had more lead experience.)

    November and December are basically dead zones - barely even any roles to submit for, let alone interview with. The New Year turns over, I fire off a few random applications directly via LinkedIn rather than through my recruiters, and things pick up again. There comes a point in late Jan/early Feb where I'm in process with like 5 companies at once, but I do have a clear favorite, and it's one of the places I found on LinkedIn, not through my recruiters.

    The unfortunate part was that they were dragging their feet a bit on scheduling a final round, while I'd already done a final round with one of my recruiter's companies, and it sounded like they were preparing to extend me an offer. Normally I'd have been like, ok, fine, but that role had a few problems with their expectations, and they also had an unfortunate insistence on having an answer 24 hours after they extended the offer. I was preparing myself to turn it down, but thankfully they started dragging their feet for long enough that I could go talk to my preferred company, which I did.

    They had a really fast initial turnaround - in-person on Thursday, confirmation that they were preparing an offer on Monday, where they quoted a salary range that was higher than the top-end(!) of what I'd told my recruiters to look for, not even counting the bonus. Days go by. Nerves set in. Friday morning, they call back - offer is formalized, oh, and by the way, it's higher than the top-end of the range we quoted. Leave me some room to negotiate, guys ;) I wanna see if I can double my take-home.

    Lesson learned: aim high. Aim super high. Adjust down if necessary - much easier than adjusting up! If I'd taken a job in the salary range I gave my recruiters when I first started looking, realistically speaking I'd have to go hunting for another job a few years later to match my current offer. Oh, and this place is way more technically advanced, so I'll be learning more, too.
     
  7. Nazgus

    Nazgus Headmaster

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    Congratulations! It sounds like the it was well worth the effort! Out of curiosity, what field do you work in?
     
  8. T3t

    T3t Purple Beast of DLP Prestige DLP Supporter

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    Software engineering, and I'm moving from a non-profit to a rapidly expanding direct-sales company. I don't regret where I've ended up, but I wish I'd stuck with the degree - it definitely would've given me an easier path to something like Google, where the starting pay for engineers fresh out of college beats most Senior Engineering salaries elsewhere. Oh, and their payscale isn't very location-dependent, so it's even better if you aren't in the Bay...

    Make sure you have a firm grasp on data structures/algorithms, especially in a practical context. Beyond the usual BigO/sorting/etc, know the details of:
    • HashTables
    • Maps
    • Trees (not just binary, and also BFS/DFS traversal)
    • Graphs (better ask @Lord Ravenclaw about this one)
    The important part with these isn't just that you know the details and how to implement them, but relevant trade-offs and practical applicability - i.e. when would you pick a mergesort over a quicksort? Knowing that both are average-case O(n logn) is great, but then why is quicksort the more common default if it's worst-case is O(n^2) while mergesort remains O(n logn)? What other considerations are relevant?

    Discrete math would also be a good plus - combinatorics, at least.

    (This information is all collected from the internet and talking to various people who work at Google - I've never actually interviewed there. I assume having actual projects under your belt would be a plus, particularly in Java, Go, C++, or probably most JVM languages, really.)
     
  9. Anarchy

    Anarchy Fourth Champion DLP Supporter

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    Saw my dad in the hospital today. Rushed down there when the nursed called, and she said that he thought he wasn't going to make it through the night, and wanted to see us before the end. So we made it down through shitty weather, and let me tell you, nothing prepares you for it.

    Nothing has chanced since the first prognosis, so he's still stable. But, he has a breathing tube, and a feeding tube, so he can't even talk, and he's restrained because he keeps trying to take the tube out. Trying to figure out what he was trying to say with crude sign language and a pad and paper was very emotionally taxing, and I could tell that it was frustrating him since everything was out of his control. And the truth is that he's unlikely to live to April, and I don't know how to deal with that. Typing this has helped some.
     
  10. Oment

    Oment The Betrayer

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    These aren't exactly words of comfort, because I can't find it in myself to type those and feel like I'm saying something I can get behind. Hence, the spoiler. Read only if you want to.

    Not knowing how to deal with that is perfectly natural, but... It's going to get worse. I've wondered more than once if I shouldn't have spent more time in the hospital once my mother had been admitted, delirious from a heat wave and some kind of extremely metastasised cancer. Even after sort of recovering from the former, I'm not sure she ever regained even half her faculties, and all I saw when visiting was a cruel vestige of what she once was. Curled up in a hospital bed, small and fragile, broken. Her death, under 80 hours after I heard that she had cancer, was the epitome of a blessing in disguise; an end to suffering I hope to never feel.

    I spent a bit of those hours with or near her, most of them in the hospice she was moved to the afternoon before her passing. The rest I didn't, and part of me definitely couldn't. But still, 'tis the human mind's habit to wonder, and so I did and do.

    Hopefully, you'll be able to make the most of what is left, as mentioned before, and yes, keep the raging for after - and please do rage or rant or vent in some relatively harmless way, shape, or form. Just always remember that every time you see him might be the last, and that every day he lasts is going to tax you and your loved ones more and more. Tempers will almost inevitably flare because of it. In that sense, at least, sooner might be the lesser of evils: less time for anger to simmer. It is a most callous, arguably heartless, way of looking at it, I know, but when the body decrees that life has to become agonising suffering... Death can be an unwelcome - to the ones left behind - gift.

    All you can do now is decide what to do with the time that is given you. May you find a path that works for you and yours.
     
  11. Joe's Nemesis

    Joe's Nemesis High Score: 2,058 Prestige

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    Been there with my mother (although not in the specifics). Also, in my previous work as a pastor, I've been at many bedsides with families while someone passed. Still, it's a very difficult thing. So, I'll give you the same advice I gave the families.

    1. Don't forget to eat/sleep. Strange, I know, but what your going through takes tremendous physical energy. Make sure you're taking care of yourself. Also keep an eye on family members for the same reasons. Getting run down is a multiplier effect.

    2. Don't get down on yourself for the release (or even the joy) you might feel when you're able to leave the hospital, as if you've done your duty and now get to relax. It's the mind's way of helping you cope by segmenting the experience. This is doubly true after he passes. So many people feel a sense of relief or thankfulness that it's over and they can get on with their life, then the guilt comes pouring in. Don't let it. The relief is the reality that a horrible event is over and your body and mind are starting to decompress. You're not being unloving, a bad child, or betraying his memory.

    I know you might completely disagree with me on spiritual issues, but I will be praying for you, him, and the family. (And please take that in the caring, supportive way it is intended).
     
    Last edited: Mar 5, 2018
  12. Paladin

    Paladin Third Year

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  13. Eilyfe

    Eilyfe Headmaster

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    I forgot how strange an experience it is to learn a new language from scratch. In my first Spanish class today I constantly had the lyrics of Guantanamera in my head. When the teacher threw me the ball to indicate it was my turn to tell everyone my name, I had to be careful not to start singing "Yo soy un hombre sincero".

    Anyway, four hours Spanish a day is no joke (and that's without counting prep time at home). It's been a while since I felt so incompetent language-wise.
     
  14. ScottPress

    ScottPress The Horny Sovereign Prestige

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    I can relate. I'm currently trying to revive my mediocre French skills (practically nonexistent, for being neglected so long) with the Duolingo app and it's strange going word by word when I'm so used to having been comfortably bilingual for years.

    I'm also the other side of this coin. Currently doing a course with a small group using a direct method--you start with simple questions like "what is your name?", "how are you?". My students are perfectly zilch in the English language and for someone used to dealing with English speakers online (and irl, to a point) it's both interesting and strange seeing people struggle with things I don't even think about. I've spent 15 minutes today explaining why you don't need an article to ask the question "is he tall?"

    Edti: btw, any other teachers on DLP? Eilyfe is studying to be one, I remember that @Taure taught English in Peru IIRC.
     
  15. Nevermind

    Nevermind Seventh Year

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    Starting with @ScottPress ‘s inquiry, I taught a Cultural Studies tutorial last semester, but a) I’m still a student and don’t plan on becoming a teacher (school or otherwise), and b) that was less about correcting language than, for example, explaining why some of Assmann‘s conceptions of memory might be fundamentally flawed in this day and age. From what I gathered, though, the students (they were firsties mostly, fresh out of high school) got a lot better at actually speaking the language during the semester. We have mandatory fundamentals courses on speaking & grammar, so that and using the language on a higher level probably played its part as well. It certainly did for me when I was in their shoes.

    Regarding my experiences with learning foreign languages, most recently, I dabbled in Norwegian for a little bit (mainly as a birthday surprise for a friend of mine), but for now, my grasp of the language is still so poor I wouldn’t consider it an actual skill. For this post, I‘m going with Dutch instead, which I learned in 10th year in school.

    It was quite a brutal regime, as we had to get the grammar down within the first five or six months. Fascinating and rewarding, as this method pretty much guaranteed quick success, but also tiresome. We also improved our basic grasp of the language with the help of nursery rhymes, childrens’ and, later, pop songs, which was fun. The rest of the year was mainly spent on improving the everyday vocabulary.

    After the first year, it became "just like English lessons, only in Dutch." I’m quoting another friend of mine here who actually elected to take the subject for their Abitur (A-level) exams. I dropped out after one year because I was busy with my ridiculously busy schedule and wanted to focus on subjects I considered more important. It‘s not something I regret from an academic point of view, but I do regret not having kept up with the language afterwards. Now, seven years later, my knowledge consists mainly of a few stock phrases and basic vocabulary. Those do include some wonderful swearwords, though. "Klootzak" is a particular favourite of mine for special occasions, while "Godverdomme" has entered my everyday vocabulary, and I use it frequently, regardless of whether I‘ve spent the day mainly speaking either English or German, or both. Around the office it has even become my catchphrase and a bit of a running gag. So I guess it was good for something, after all.

    EDIT says that Dutch is not too dissimilar to German, so maybe I had an easier time of it than someone coming in from a language with a slightly different structure. It‘s also not too difficult in terms of pronunciation, quite close to some local German dialects from my region, so that might have been a positive influence for me (and others) as well.
     
    Last edited: Mar 5, 2018
  16. Marsupial

    Marsupial Death Eater DLP Supporter

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    I once accidentally answered a Danish cashier in Greek. Brain went 'well, it's not English or French... what's default language three? Greek? Yup, definitely Greek.' My Danish wasn't, isn't, and never will be good enough to explain that though, so there's a cashier somewhere in really rural Denmark wondering what the fuck an oddly pale Greek guy was doing in Scandinavia in midwinter.
     
  17. Joe's Nemesis

    Joe's Nemesis High Score: 2,058 Prestige

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    Found out a paper proposal was accepted for a society meeting that's going to be held in about a month or so, which is great. Now, I have to write it, which isn't so great. Also just sent in two more proposals for another society meeting (different society). This CV building thing is a pain in the ass.
     
  18. Mordecai

    Mordecai Drunken Scotsman Prestige DLP Supporter

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    Got the call today, I got the job I was interviewing for last week. So it looks like I'll be packing up and moving across the country within the next couple of months. Fun times!
     
  19. Arthellion

    Arthellion Ban(ned) Arthellion

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    As Chief Justice of our SGA at my University, I'm in charge of elections.

    Campaigning began yesterday.

    Already had to disqualify five candidates for failure to attend mandatory meetings and dishonest campaigning.

    *shakes head*
     
  20. Darth_Revan

    Darth_Revan Secret Squirrel Prestige DLP Supporter

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    Disqualify the rest and install yourself as benevolent despot.
     
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