You have to check out this guys stories....they're insane!

www.TuckerMax.com

 

Wow! They're hilarious. I'm hooked!

 

The buttsex one was funny as hell

 

eh... which one's that? there ARE a lot of'em...

 

I gotta agree with Midknight that the buttsex one was funny as hell.

"Did you just shit on me?"

 

I believe the exact quote is "Did you...did you just...shit on my dick?"

 

Not quite sure why my previous post was deleted but as it was on topic and I was sharing something from this site, :evil:

Here's another that I hope will make it longer then the last.

----------------- Tucker at the HBP book launch------------------

Down the street I see a big crowd standing outside, so I start walking up there. As I get closer, the girls out front start to look a bit young, and then they start to look way too young, and then I am just weirded out, because they are clearly children hanging out with their parents at like 11:30 at night. What is going on?

Then I see a kid with a blue lightning bolt painted on his forehead, dressed in a cape and holding a broomstick…holy shit, it is Friday July 15th…this is a release party for the sixth Harry Potter book. This isn’t a bar, it’s a bookstore. There are like 100 kids of various ages and their parents hanging out here.

At this point, I had a decision to make. I can:

A. Leave immediately and go find a bar in which to drink and fornicate,

B. Hang out and mess with the Harry Potter fans, or

C. Grab a wand and a cape and pretend that I am a wizard.

I stood and thought about it: What is going to maximize my utility tonight? There is only one more hour of drinking left because this island sucks. I am not very drunk and won’t get to a good level in only an hour, so that is pretty much a sunk cost. There are not many girls on this island and the ones that are here suck, plus the chances of finding one I like that I can pick up, all in the span of just an hour are not great. And to be honest, I was going to buy a copy of the new Harry Potter book anyway…

Fuck it, Harry Potter it is.

I get in line and buy my ticket at like 11:40, and then go stand outside under this huge tent with everyone else to wait for the books to be passed out. As I look around, I see all kinds of people, not just little kids and parents. There are teenagers, young adults, old people, just about every demographic is represented here. I started to get worried. What if someone recognized me here. That would look great, Tucker Max at a midnight Harry Potter book party [it didn’t even occur to me at the time that I would EVER write about this].

So I kinda stood off to the side with my face covered with my hand. I looked ridiculous, so of course this little kid came up to me. She was dressed like Hermione. She couldn’t have been more than 8, but her parents weren’t anywhere that I could see.

Kid “What are you doing?”
Tucker “Nothing. Where are your parents?”
Kid “Over there talking to the man dressed as Snape. Are you excited about the book?”
Tucker “Beyond ecstatic. I can barely keep myself contained.”
Kid “I can’t wait to find out what happens! They say someone dies, I wonder who it’ll be.”
Tucker “Didn’t you hear? It’s Ron that dies in this one.”

She gets a look of complete horror on her face and her eyes start welling up with tears.

“NO NO NO—I’m just kidding. Totally kidding, please don’t cry, Ron doesn’t die, I’m just kidding,” she stops her tears and her face goes back to normal, “It’s actually Hermione that dies.”

She turn and runs off. Oh well, she has to learn at some point that guys are assholes.

I immediately move my location, because I didn’t want to deal with her parents, and as much as I like kids, I didn’t want to talk to anymore unsupervised underage girls. Nothing good can come of that.

I get into line on the other side of the tent they have set up outside (there are that many people there). Its like three minutes until the release the book, and there is this nerd in front of me who is getting all kinds of giddy. He is probably 23 or so, and has the typical nerd huge backpack that has every single one of his possessions in it strapped to his back. He is talking to the girl in front of him and keeps turning left and right, hitting me with his backpack, so I reach down (he is short) and grab it, and hold him still.

Nerd “HEY!! WHAT THE!!! HEY!!”

The dude is flailing around like a turtle on its back, trying to reach me but can’t because his backpack is so huge and he is uncoordinated.

Tucker “Calm down. I’ll let go when you stop hitting me with your backpack.”
Nerd “HEY! GET OFF ME YOU SNOTTY-FACED HEAP OF PARROT DROPPINGS!”

I HATE dorks that quote Monty Python, so I decide to teach him a simple lesson: This was real life, not British comedy. I sweep his leg and he crashes to the ground. I kinda laugh at him, thinking that this will shut him up; I mean come on, this kid is like 150 pounds with less muscle than a chicken wing. But he struggles back to his feet and momentarily gets in my face, kinda bumping me. I instinctively grab his shirt:

Tucker “DO YOU ACTUALLY WANT TO FIGHT ME? ARE YOU FUCKING INSANE? I SHIT BIGGER THAN YOU!”

Two “adults” get in between us, and we both kinda looked at each other, realizing that like 100 people were staring at us…and that we were now those guys…who started a fight at a Harry Potter book party.

Oh man.

I got my book and slinked off. I am pretty sure even the little kids were making fun of me.

That was pretty much the entire weekend. Of course, even when I set out to not cause a scene, it seems like I do anyway. I guess maybe there is something to that image of me carving a swath of destruction.


Read this after http://www.tuckermax.com/archives/entries/girl_almost_beats_tucker_at_his_own_game.phtml#611