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Abandoned Wand Runner by japanese_jew - M

Discussion in 'The Alternates' started by japanese_jew, Jan 7, 2007.

  1. japanese_jew

    japanese_jew High Inquisitor

    Joined:
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    Messages:
    598
    Title: Wand Runner
    Author: japanese_jew
    Rating: M
    Genre: Sci-Fi/Fantasy
    DLP Category: The Alternate's
    Pairing: Harry/girl!Harry (Should I write masturbation?)
    Chapters: 4
    Words: 22,360
    Updated: December 21, 2007
    Published: June 12, 2006
    Status: Abandoned

    Summary: It's not every day that Harry walks home from the grocery store to find a girl who seems to think that she's him, and a family that seems to think that she's him, and a world that seems to think that she's him. Overall, not a natural occurence.

    Link: WandRunner

    The first thing any casual reader should know about this fic is that I wrote this a while ago. I paid a great deal of attention to it when I wrote it, so when I thought of it fondly, I remembered long hours of work, and thinking I had done a very good job. It turned out that I was a horrendous author then, and I like to think that I've improved since then, but . . . well, anyways, I was prompted to finally post the first chapter I had written by Amerision's Harry/girl!Harry fic, and prompted to post a second chapter by writer's block.

    I'm currently working on a third chapter (more writer's block for my other story), and I wanted to know the opinions of people from DLP on the fic. I've gotten mostly, "yay, this is fun, but looks like fluff" reviews, which is, in my opinion, quite peculiar, since first of all, I expected mostly "lolz, update" reviews, and didn't even realize that there was a subclass of fanfiction reviewers who gave "no fluff!" reviews, and second of all, I don't write fluff. Ever.

    I'd give it a 3/5. Nothing special, but no outstanding and consistent issues with grammar and spelling. Could, hypothetically speaking, become okay.

    To become okay, Uncle Sam needs YOU to vote.


    Checked by Minion, Nov. 26, 2012
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 26, 2012
  2. doc_gerbil

    doc_gerbil Sixth Year

    Joined:
    Apr 21, 2006
    Messages:
    181
    wellll, i have to agree with your opinion. you were not the greatest author way back when. I have read your new stuff and most of it is very good, but this is decidedly lacking. Understandeable given the fact that you wrote it so long ago. might wanna work on some formating. It can get aggravating to read quotes imbedded into paragraphs. never can tell when it begins and when it ends. dont get me wrong. i like the harry in this. hes well done and ill always go for harry on harry+ action but its just not as good as your other works. it has potential, and i can only imagine that it will get much better given your newfound abilities.
     
    Last edited: Jan 7, 2007
  3. Palver

    Palver High Inquisitor

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    Location:
    Lithuania
    Well, I like it, no mistakes, easy to read. Please continue.
     
  4. Yarrgh!

    Yarrgh! Pirate King

    Joined:
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    Heh...there are a bunch of typos, really dumb ones too. But I've read your new stuff, and as I said in that review, it was excellently written...so I guess you jsut used to be worse :p

    One thing I noticed (and this is as far as I've gotten, will finish it later)

    Lol, might want to change that ;)

    It's interesting enough, I guess, but I'm feeling a little cheated, and ticked off, that Harry didn't just come clean to Hera. Nice deviation from the 'Harriet' cliche there, by the way, the last thing I need is to see another author give 16 year old fem!HP a grandma-name >_<.

    And that idea with James' letter and the 'Happy fucking Birthday, PS I hope you aren't a douche' bit was pretty funny. Might want to change the word 'douche', though, since Mordecai will come flying in here with a Scottish flag stapled to his nuts and 'counsel' you on the use of the word 'douche' in England :p

    All in all...good job, but if you could get it beta'd, that'd be great. I wasn't expecting the first line of the fic itself to have some 3 typos in it, considering the excellence of your other stuff :p
     
  5. Klael

    Klael Headmaster DLP Supporter

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    Um...yeah, interesting. You know what would be more interesting? If spellcheck had been used.

    Whatever, that's why pencils have erasors. Altogether, a nice start. Hope your other story keeps blocking you; harry/girl!harry has always interested me.
     
  6. japanese_jew

    japanese_jew High Inquisitor

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    Well, I did use a spell check, and it turns out that "yong" actually is a word, according to WordPerfect's spell check. Also, kidnaped can be spelled with only one p in it.

    I'm going to go ahead and be nitpicky, and tell you that erasers is spelled with a second e, but thank you for the help, and Yarrgh, too. Very good call with the "don't say the name! .. . . yadda yadda . . . voldemort!" I completely didn't notice that.

    Could someone explain the meaning of the word douche in the UK? Is it not a vaginal shower? Maybe just a regular shower?

    In my defense, I was copying it from a hard copy from when my computer had crashed, so it was a bit tricky to look up from my paper to check my writing other than using spellcheck, which picked up practically nothing, without killing my neck.

    I am currently going through the first chapter and correcting the errors in spelling. Are there any errors in spelling with the second one?
     
  7. Yarrgh!

    Yarrgh! Pirate King

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    Oh yeah, it means the same thing, but it doesn't have the same slang meaning in the UK as it does in the States. Saying 'douchebag' or 'douchy' will probably just get you a few odd looks until the person connects it to a vaginal shower, and then you'll get scowled at :p

    Options: Idiot/Asshole/Bastard/Welshman :p

    I think there were a few spelling errors in chapter 2, but I can't be certain. If I reread it once you've posted it again, or edited it or whatever, and I see some, I'll PM you or post here or something.
     
  8. japanese_jew

    japanese_jew High Inquisitor

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    Welshman? That's . . . interesting. I think I'll go with bastard though. Fucker has the nicer ring to it, but doesn't have the same connotation. Assfucker is too many syllables.
     
  9. Brooklynight

    Brooklynight Seventh Year

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    4/5 Its good especially for a girl who lived fic. You could definitely make something out of it if you keep on writing.
     
  10. Manatheron

    Manatheron Headmaster

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    intersting start, but I feel there are some major things that need to be worked out before I can begin to even consider rating it... Perhaps in a chapter or two.

    BTW, Snape LIKEING a potter is Really creepy... just thought you should know.
     
  11. japanese_jew

    japanese_jew High Inquisitor

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    She doesn't look like James, and I suppose he
    A. Settles the life debt that wasn't revolved since she doesn't play quidditch and
    B. Gets back at James by mentoring his daughter, and turning her into his kind of person.
    ... Or I hope that was my reasoning. Maybe I was just going through a, "Wow, I like Snape!" phase. I've done that a few times.

    A new chapter is being betaed right now.
     
  12. Manatheron

    Manatheron Headmaster

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    I've had one or two of those, Usually only after we get a 'Redeamed!Snape' Surge though. It's scary how well some people can rationalize the greasy Gits behavior.

    Being beta'd? :D
     
  13. kit

    kit Second Year

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    Location:
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    I like it, i've read a few AU/Fem-harry stories, and most were simply used for smut. Nothing against it, but plot is key. IMHO this story could evolve into something very, very good. I would say that harry is not too powerful, he seems about as strong as he should be, considering he'd have to be Voldieshorts equal. KIT SAYS YES! :p
     
  14. japanese_jew

    japanese_jew High Inquisitor

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    He was supposed to be completely average around now (excepting, you know, the patronus). Where is he strong? I can edit that out.

    I am extremely proud of the plot, and although it has been suggested to me several times that I should just scrap the girl!Harry scheme, I will pull through.

    JJ

    P.S. Manatheron, I usually manage to get myself out of my phases by reminding myself that I love Alan Rickman, not Snape. "Angels are ill-equipped."
     
  15. Manatheron

    Manatheron Headmaster

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    Dogma? I Loved that Movie! Of course that fact suprises alot of my Non-Catholic Friends :D

    Don't scrap it! I certainly enjoyed the story to date, and I assure you that many of us are eagerly awaiting the next chapter!
     
  16. haroon_angel

    haroon_angel Fourth Year

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    Hmmmmmmmm Interesting
     
  17. Amerision

    Amerision Galactic Sheep Emperor DLP Supporter

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    It needs some Beta-ing, yes, and some faster updates, but this can turn out to be a pretty good fic.

    I would also advise that you completely rewrite the first chapter from scratch. No offense, but you kinda sucked back then. Seeing as the first chapter is critical in grabbing the reader, this is especially important.

    One last thing: Can you please, please remove the "ring" thing? It's kind of cliched, but that's not what bothered me...

    It's Hera's tits getting smaller.

    Amerision
     
  18. japanese_jew

    japanese_jew High Inquisitor

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    Amerision: I didn't like it either, but I needed something to prevent her from being a Mary-Sue. I had them get bigger in the first version, but then I decided the Mary-Sue thing. BTW, how far along are you in betaing the chapter? ;) Rewriting the first chapter will be painful, but similarly to Wit of the Raven, something that needs to be done. True.

    Haroon_Angel: Glad you like it, but don't use caps for the first letter of every word. Since people have told you this numerous times, but you don't seem to get it, caps are 'THIS' as opposed to 'this'.

    Manatheron: Kevin Smith FTW!
    "So why were you here?"
    "To pick up chicks."
    "At an abortion clinic?"
    "Hey, I figure that the only reason they're here is because they like to fuck."

    "... I got nothin'."

    "Aw, that's disgusting!"
    "That's amazing!"
    "Aw, god no."

    "What's the answer to the meaning of life?"
    "...Boop!"

    "Well, what do you want to do in your last week on Earth?"
    "Well, I'd say get laid, but since we can't do, that, let's do the next best thing! Kill people!"
    *woman spits out her coffee*
    "Aw, not you."
     
  19. Klael

    Klael Headmaster DLP Supporter

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    Hey, man, that hurts. What do you ever have to add to a conversation, man? One thing: 'Pussy, man.'

    Haha. great movie. ANYWAY: Good stuff, I'm gonna reread it.
     
  20. CaptainG

    CaptainG Third Year

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    Location:
    Cambridge, UK
    Saying that, I have heard it a few times from some of my more... chavy associates. However, that is neither here nor there.

    As it is, I can't say this is an exceptional story, but it's certainly better than you were making it out to be in your pre-amble.

    It's enjoyable, and I shall endeavour to keep reading

    3.5/5
     
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