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WIP Who Dares Wins by OlegGunnarsson - M

Discussion in 'Review Board' started by ReadingGoodStuff, Jan 4, 2020.

  1. ReadingGoodStuff

    ReadingGoodStuff Squib

    Joined:
    Feb 20, 2019
    Messages:
    7
    Title: Who Dares Wins
    Author: OlegGunnarsson
    Rating: M
    Genre: Drama/Adventure
    Status: Work-in-progress
    Library Category: The Alternatives
    Pairings: Harry P./Susan B.
    Summary: Harry Potter has been training himself and his friends for months, in preparation for this day. Today, his war begins when Voldemort plans a trap for him at the Department of Mysteries - only it's Harry who has the upper hand, until a trio of faces from his past make a very unwelcome return. Grey!Harry, Military!Harry. A subversion of DZ2's Prodigal Son Challenge.
    Link:https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13182638/1/Who-Dares-Wins

    The first 'Military Harry' combined with the standard WBWL formula story I've read. Harry grows up in Privet Drive and befriends a retired military official before Hogwarts that teaches him the Art of War basically. There's mild Dumbledore and general Potter family but I think it's realistic for what the story is going for. Technical writing is good, minor inappropriate capitalizations but nothing too serious. There are a few tropes (Lords, Heirs and Heiresses, Manors, Blood Feuds, Regents, etc) but nothing super overwhelming. Good friendships with Ron, Hermione, Neville, Sirius, and Susan Bones. Also includes different third-person POVs of Slytherin characters which is a refreshing change of pace.

    3.5/5, rounding up to 4.
     
  2. LinguaManiac

    LinguaManiac Fourth Year

    Joined:
    Dec 14, 2015
    Messages:
    116
    Location:
    USA
    High Score:
    0
    This is... really bad.

    There is nothing blaringly wrong with the story's grammar or spelling. That is the best that can be said for it.

    There are three failures which are so consistent and overwhelming as to make the story unreadable. They are 1) an avalanche of exposition, 2) a shifting perspective, and 3) wooden dialogue.

    1)
    2 and 3) To spare you any more pain, I will give a quotation which combines what I mean by both 2 and 3.

    And it keeps getting worse. I couldn't read much past there, though I'm not halfway through the chapter.

    Maybe it gets better, maybe I'm missing out on a gem, maybe it becomes an Epic for All Time... But I doubt it.

    2/5
     
  3. PWIZDUO

    PWIZDUO Third Year

    Joined:
    Dec 21, 2011
    Messages:
    87
    Blood feuds, Lordships AND The Art of War. This sounds awful.
     
  4. Zombie

    Zombie Lo-fi Snake Jazz Moderator DLP Supporter

    Joined:
    Apr 28, 2007
    Messages:
    5,546
    Then don't read it.
     
  5. PWIZDUO

    PWIZDUO Third Year

    Joined:
    Dec 21, 2011
    Messages:
    87
    That sounds like an excellent idea, thank you!