1. Hi there, Guest

    Only registered users can really experience what DLP has to offer. Many forums are only accessible if you have an account. Why don't you register?
    Dismiss Notice
  2. Introducing for your Perusing Pleasure

    New Thread Thursday
    +
    Shit Post Sunday

    READ ME
    Dismiss Notice
  3. Q4 2019 Story Competition is kicking off!

    Prompt:
    Foreign Magical Regions (Setting outside of Britain) Length: 2.5 - 5k
    Get writing Folks!
    Dismiss Notice

WIP Working Sinnoh With Skill By o Jordinio o - M - Pokemon

Discussion in 'Almost Recommended' started by 0jordinio0, Apr 25, 2013.

  1. 0jordinio0

    0jordinio0 Seventh Year

    Joined:
    Jun 6, 2012
    Messages:
    295
    Location:
    Scotland
    Title: Working Sinnoh With Skill
    Author: o Jordinio o
    Status: WIP, 12 chapters 105k words long - although, one of the chapters is really an Interlude so I don't really count that as a chapter for the most part seeing as it does not pertain to the plot of the story.
    Summary: Ash and his Pokemon actually keep their hard earned skills when they head off to Sinnoh. A surprising event leads Ash to taking more than just Pikachu this time around, and who is that pretty blue haired girl? PEARLSHIPPING! M for language and more.
    Link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8362371/1/Working-Sinnoh-With-Skill

    I'm not really to confident in my skills as a writer, I honestly believe I'm decent at best. But, I thought I'd post this up for a review anyway and hope to get some good advice to improve on anyway.

    It's a bit slow a the moment, and Ash seems a bit overpowered as a trainer. But, honestly the best trainer who's appeared besides Ash so far is really between Roark or Paul and Ash had the advantage in each of those battles, from knowing Roark was a Rock Type specialist and getting under Paul's skin to make him angry and sloppy.

    Thankfully, I'm at the part of the story where the action is about to pick up because the next arc is going to be action packed. From meeting the Bug Type specialist of the Elite Four, Aaron. To Ash and The Sinnoh Champion Cynthia having a one on one between Charizard and Garchomp. Appearances from Team Galactic. Ash's 2nd Sinnoh Gym Battle and then finally a battle between two Legendary Pokemon that will push the boundaries between Time and Space.

    Anyway, yeah. I'm not expecting much positive input from this, but hopefully I can get some good advice on how to improve on my writing style.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: May 12, 2013
  2. Jon

    Jon The Demon Mayor Admin DLP Supporter

    Joined:
    Jun 5, 2006
    Messages:
    7,785
    Location:
    Australia
    One thing that's always annoyed me with the pokemon anime is that Ash's skill level and his pokemon get reset at the end of each season. So consider yourself having earned a read from me. I'll get back to you on what I think when I finish.

    1. You opened with a retelling of what changed, rather than going from the change. It would have been easy and more impactful if you had started the story mid battle just prior to Totodile popping out.
    2. You made Ash give up his hat because it didn't match his outfit. Bad.
     
    Last edited: Apr 25, 2013
  3. 0jordinio0

    0jordinio0 Seventh Year

    Joined:
    Jun 6, 2012
    Messages:
    295
    Location:
    Scotland
    Right, thanks.

    I think my biggest mistake in this fic was the rushed romance. But then, I've never been in a relationship that wasn't just based on sex....so yeah, I'm pretty sure the rushed romance is pretty darn shitty.

    Although, because I think I went into the romance to fast I've spent the last few weeks building up a whole new original take on Ash attempting to become a Pokemon master. I'll be starting on that fic soon days, and there will be little romance for the majority of it so I'm hopeful it will come out good.
     
  4. Jon

    Jon The Demon Mayor Admin DLP Supporter

    Joined:
    Jun 5, 2006
    Messages:
    7,785
    Location:
    Australia
    Romance is all good and well, it just depends on how you build on it. Admittedly, you did pick out the next thing I was going to point out. I think I got half way down chapter 1 before Dawn was clinging to Ash's arm and Pikachu and Piplup were like 'are these two for realz'
     
  5. 0jordinio0

    0jordinio0 Seventh Year

    Joined:
    Jun 6, 2012
    Messages:
    295
    Location:
    Scotland
    I don't think it was that bad. Really, Dawn is a very new trainer and Ash is an experienced one who has taken on and defeated Legendaries, and went toe to toe with Elite Four members.

    So yeah, she's in awe of him because of his skills with Pokemon but that begins to mellow out the more skilled she herself gets as a trainer and Coordinator.

    That, and I think I have better apptitude for writing Pokemon battles and that's all I can really take even a hint of pride in - the fact that atleast my skills as a battle writer don't suck.

    ---------- Post automerged at 04:15 AM ---------- Previous post was at 04:08 AM ----------

    Was the hat really all that important? The one from the original series is yeah because he put alot of effort into getting it, but the other ones were just normal hats.

    I like to think of him wearing the hat as a pre-teen for nostalgic reasons at most. But now that he's in his teens he's maturing and no longer wears it.
     
    Last edited: Apr 25, 2013
  6. Jon

    Jon The Demon Mayor Admin DLP Supporter

    Joined:
    Jun 5, 2006
    Messages:
    7,785
    Location:
    Australia
    Isn't it the original one at that point? My bad.
     
  7. 0jordinio0

    0jordinio0 Seventh Year

    Joined:
    Jun 6, 2012
    Messages:
    295
    Location:
    Scotland
    No, he left that hat at home for safe keeping when he started his Hoenn Journey. Then I had him change into the ranger uniform and get rid of his Hoenn outfit when he was done competing in the battle frontier.
     
  8. tragicmat1

    tragicmat1 Death Eater

    Joined:
    Mar 7, 2011
    Messages:
    923
    Location:
    Madrid
    Hmm, I had actually just read this a couple days before you put it up for review. Though, I don't understand the point of that interlude. I mean, why post that IN the story? Just put that stuff on your profile or something. Anyways, the whole Mewtwo in a pokeball was kind of dumb in my opinion. It's one thing if Mewtwo was just hanging around Ashe all the time, but what's the point of him putting himself in a Pokeball?

    Also, too many training scenes in this story. They are cool and all, but it just means nothing is happening. I think what this story needs is a clear point on where it's headed toward. Is Ashe going for the Sinnoh league? Catch em all? Or just training every chapter? Develop some other characters, make some cool Team Rocket machine or something for a mini conflict. Or just anything that can keep the story more dynamic and interesting. That's my point of view at least.

    Also, the romance is just, shallow? Though it's not unbelievable for 14-15 year olds, it's just not that special to read about and in general boring. The two are kissing each other as if they were just eating dinner. No emotions, feelings, development = boring and unnecessary.

    I'd give this story around a 3/5 at the moment.
     
  9. 0jordinio0

    0jordinio0 Seventh Year

    Joined:
    Jun 6, 2012
    Messages:
    295
    Location:
    Scotland
    That was basically all this arc of the story was for. It was Dawn being introduced to the life of a trainer, and learning under Ash.

    The next arc, as I said up above will contain a lot more action. Plus, Ash so far only has 1 badge out of 8.

    I needed the first arc to have Dawn more accustomed to being a trainer, and be familiar with all of Ash's Pokemon because one by one each of them will play a vital roll later on.

    As to them kissing so much, I'm pretty sure that's what most teen couples do lol. The relationship isn't really deep at the moment. It was built upon Dawn's admiration of Ash for saving her life, his skills as a trainer and mutual attraction between the both of them. The relationship will become less shallow as the story goes on, because at the moment it's no different from a regular teen romance.

    The clear point for this story is that Ash and Dawn's goals are no different from in the anime. Dawn wants to become a word class Coordinator and Ash is dead set upon winning the Pokemon League, defeating the Elite Four and the Regional Champion so he can become the 'Champion Master' as stated what Cynthia and the other Regional Champions occupation entails.

    This is basically a redo of Sinnoh, and while its deviating from Cannon, the main goals and instances will happen such as the movies and Gym Battles.

    I plan on this story being epic length, and will hopefully hit over the 200k mark within the next couple of months. Depending on how my muse holds up.

    And that Interlude chapter was really mostly for me to get people to vote in my poll. I've been devising a whole new original plot - I think - on Ash's journey to become a master. I've been planning it for almost a month now. But just posting a new chapter to tell them to vote in my poll seems kind of dickish so I gave them a list of stories and authors to check out if they haven't already done so because they are worth a read.

    Anyway, 3/5? Thanks lol, I was expecting around 2/5 at best really.
     
  10. MonkeyEpoxy

    MonkeyEpoxy Prisoner DLP Supporter

    Joined:
    Aug 11, 2011
    Messages:
    2,819
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Colorado
  11. tragicmat1

    tragicmat1 Death Eater

    Joined:
    Mar 7, 2011
    Messages:
    923
    Location:
    Madrid
    Yep, which is exactly the main problem I have with the story. It's good that future chapters will start moving, but you should also realize that almost 100k words were spent on training, some shallow romance, and more training. My criticism on the romance isn't that it's unrealistic, but rather it's unnecessary as there is no substance in it. It would make the story a lot shorter and to the point if the romantic scenes shown actually furthers their relationship, rather than just a simple culmination of what they have already.

    Training scenes are cool, and new attacks are awesome. But too much of it gets boring, and could've been cut down a bit.

    Honestly, I gave it a 3/5 because this is in the Pokemon Fandom. If this level of writing was in HP, then you'd be right that it's at best 2/5. Still, because the Pokemon Fandom is nowhere near exhausted, there's a lot of opportunities for interesting scenes. Also, if you want criticism, you can try posting the next chapter in WBA. Just make sure you have thick skin though.
     
  12. 0jordinio0

    0jordinio0 Seventh Year

    Joined:
    Jun 6, 2012
    Messages:
    295
    Location:
    Scotland
     
  13. MonkeyEpoxy

    MonkeyEpoxy Prisoner DLP Supporter

    Joined:
    Aug 11, 2011
    Messages:
    2,819
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Colorado
    To counter out toe 3ish ratings a bit I'm gonna gvie this a solid 4 with easy potential for 4.5 givenn your improvement as a writer from start to finish. It's not the most well written tale out there, but it made me tolerate dawn which I usually don't , and I enjoy pokeom/ranger/mentor/ Ash quire a bit. There's a definitely lack of adversity so far but that's easily explained away since they're just passed the first gym.

    One criticism is that Ash is helping Dawn with contesnts way too much, but I expect that as she matures, she'll be slaying out there all on her lonesome. I for one hae no troble with the making out and petting. God forbid I'd be a hypocrite if I got on to someone else for getting frisky at age 14, but unless it's a serioust step i their relationship, i'd tone it down to off-screen a little bit.

    4/5 with the potential for more. And maybe more because i find your responding yo trolls at the end completely hilariouis even though it makes more sense to ignore the inconsquesiotnal

    Sorry thinks aren't going well for me typing wise so i'm on a smörgåsbord of drugs so i hope this makes sense.

    My main recommendation is to town down the online training. Even The Traveler, one of the my favorite pokemon tales falls into this trap some times: There's be a half paragraph of training (anod those paragraphs aree like 15k words long, then he spends the rest of the chapter describing the results. it fann be tedius.

    overal, i'll be following closelsy

    https://forums.darklordpotter.net/forumdisplay.php?f=67

    sorry if this is incoherent but i am xanax'd up hard
     
    Last edited: Apr 26, 2013
  14. 0jordinio0

    0jordinio0 Seventh Year

    Joined:
    Jun 6, 2012
    Messages:
    295
    Location:
    Scotland
    I think I'll keep this here for now. Maybe move it there once I'm a bit further into the next arc.

    But, later on tonight I'll probably post the prologue of my new idea there. I've been planning this story idea out for like a month now. It's going to jump straight into action and high level battles after Ash gets himself some strong Pokemon that can keep him alive in those instances.

    And as for Sinnoh, I've got the next chapter of it a good 1/4 done. This is the closing chapter of the first arc and moving on to arc 2 where the high level instances start to occur.

    Believe it or not, I could have gotten another 35-50k words out of Dawn's training. I cut alot of it out. On the side Ash has been helping her Pokemon learn new attacks, getting Dawn in sync with her Pokemon, imparting on her his vast amount of knowledge on Pokemon and battling, making her Pokemon battle is vastly more powerful ones to get them stronger much quicker and help them gain experience in high level battling and much more.

    But, It's needed. With Legendaries like Dialga and Palkia who rule over time and space, she'd die without any strong Pokemon to protect her. Ash won't always be around to help her, he'll more than likely be in the thick of things himself.
     
    Last edited: Apr 26, 2013