Two Heads Are Better Than One by nonjon - M - One Shot

[Jon]

Title: Two Heads Are Better Than One

Author: nonjon (http://www.fanfiction.net/u/649528/nonjon)

Rating: M

Genre: Humor

DLP Category: Humor/Parody

Pairing: ~

Status: Complete

Summary: COMPLETE. OneShot. Either Fred and George played a prank on Harry, Harry played a prank on Fred and George, or they're all playing pranks on everybody. Although to be honest, it really doesn't matter how it happened. WARNING: crude, immature, ADULT humor.

Link: PatronusCharm (http://www.patronuscharm.net/s/164/1/) FanFiction.Net (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4400908/1/Two_Heads_Are_Better_Than_One)

Pure win. But, for the sake of show;

nonjon how could you?! You made a mockery of the character of Daphne Greengrass, despite having no cannon personality! Shame, shame on you. Oh well, time to move on. Lisa might be my new favorite.

Arbitrary rating: 10/10

[Fuegodefuerza]

There has never been a finer piece of fiction.

5/5

[Veri]

Quite possibly the lulziest piece of fanfiction I've yet read. 5/5.

[Andromalius]

Good God! Sentient... *shiver*.

That was funny.

[OneWhiteHair]

Another brilliantly insane story by the master of the bizarre. Should have a "Do not read in work" hazard notice on it.

[Mors]

I lol'd. Crass and crude, but 5/5 for being the crassiest lulz I've had all month.

[thapagan]

That was great.

[Blaise]

I liked it. Not gonna lie though, talking penises = JBern's hat; don't know how many will take that comparison, but there it is. 4/5

[Winter Knight]

5/5. Easily the funniest thing I've read in ages. Hopefully we will see more of Agent Biggerstaff.

[LogrusMage]

Oh the lulz... 4.9/5

[Darius]

Nonjon is by far the best writer in Alpha Fight Krub. 5/5

Fucking lol at the Orgazmo quote.

[Averis]

I think the thing that I love the most is the fact that despite the adult humor present all the characters acted just as JK Rowling would write them. And still it was funny as fuck.

nonjon is a stunna.

[Poytin]

Funny stuff. 5/5

[Mirkwood]

Epic lolz 5/5

[Novamute]

Sweet merciful Christ on a jetski that was one of the funniest things I have read in a long time. Good show 5/5

[fuubar]

Epic lulz = Epic win. Crass, crude, bizzare, whats not to like? 5/5

[thisperson]

Very entertaining, and a good morning read.

Wasn't rolling on the floor in peals of laughter, but it certainly got a few laugh out loud moments for me.

I'm still confused and cringing at the 'cutter' bit however. Imaginations are a horrible thing. :/

5/5 For Harry skeeting on everyone in the hall.

[bornagainpenguin]

BWAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

5/5 there is no other rating for this!

--bornaginpenguin

PS: nonjon, you know you owe us a sequel to this right? C'mon you just can't end it like that without telling us whether or not Malfoy's enlarged clit gets to join in on the conversation! Oh and the shower conversation scene? That just begs to be written!

PPS: Also, jbern? You just got called out...

I liked it. Not gonna lie though, talking penises = JBern's hat; don't know how many will take that comparison, but there it is. 4/5

Tine for you to ahem...man up and fire a ...ahem shot...of your own to take back your crown as lord of the speaking penises! I expect a fic with lulz as good as this one if you are to wrest away nonjon's win here... LOL

[Dressed in Black]

Liked the Hurt reference, rofl.

[XxEnvyxX]

Dear Lord,
That was fucking epic.
5/5

[Chime??]

Crabbe and Goyle both looked confused as Crabbe’s pants said, “I don’t know. How many?”

“Who cares? It’s muggle filth,” Goyle’s penis cackled out happily.

“Ah-hahaha,” Crabbe’s penis laughed right in sync with the other. “My turn, my turn. Hey Waldorf?”

It's not Ah-HAHAHA it's DO-HOHOHOHO!

Only complaint from me.

[Palver]

Not that was awesome, nonjon!

5/5!

[Inziladun]

Harry with his dick doing the thinking for him is a big improvement over cannon. Great thing Dumbledore could keep his quiet, don't want to imagine what it could say if what JK said about him is true...:eek:

On the down side I think nonjon has just ruined the HP_Daphne pairing for me, maybe I can obliviate my di-- I mean mind.:o

[shadownin]

Lol @ the awkward Seamus moment.

Good stuff, I enjoyed the penis' personalities. Although it's sad Harry didn't get any action.

It reminded me of an episode of South Park, where Oprah's vagina and anus revolt.:D

4/5

[Richardc269]

Absolutely hilarious. 5/5 from me. Had me in laughing fits.

[Naga's Shadow]

That was crude...

and juvenile...

And so full of freakin win!! 5/5

[Aekiel]

I haven't laughed this hard in ages XD. Fucking win nonjon. EPIC fucking win.

[The Heir]

I haven't laughed that hard either. Seriously, I haven't seen a good humor fic in way too long.

[Manatheron]

that's so sad it's humorous.

[azrael91]

Nonjon, that was fucking hilarious! 5/5, definitely.

[rj_stone2]

“Quaid… start the reactor.”
The whole thing was hilarious, but that was the cherry on top for me.

[Orm Embar]

Oh. My. God.
I was literally rolling on the floor laughing. You do realize that we now need a sequel, though. Agent Biggerstaff's story isn't exactly finished, and now all of the vaginas are talking.

5/5 for some of the most epic lulz I've ever had.

[QuaziJoe]

I think I peed myself laughing...

You'd better do a sequal, it's just cruel not to.

I wonder what the dark lords would be like...

Albus Dumbledore impersonation perhaps..

For the Greater good...

[General Custer]

http://i259.photobucket.com/albums/hh308/kelaninator/Moar.jpg

[No Earthly Clue]

Freaking epic, 5/5 great freaking laughs all around. You have to do a sequal....please.

[Darje]

5/5 That was great, Dean's got the most lulz out of me.

[007_rock]

Loved it. And please........... work on a sequel...

[mumihp]

This is one of the best humour story I'd read. Nonjon, you are the king. I hope we see a sequel about 'Agent Bigstaff'. Amazing story. 5/5

[Antivash]

Wow. I wont deny that it was humorous. But, somehow, it kind of feels like it was missing something. A good 3 our of five for that fact that it was humorous, but somehow I don't think a story about a bunch of crude jokes and penis jokes deserves a 5.

If there had been more to it, not length wise, but ...you know.. plot wise, maybe. As is though, it sort of lacks that ...something more.

[Big D on a Diet]

Extremely awesome, but loses a point for the fact that the "prank" seems like it would have taken God-like magical power to pull off. 4/5

[mikey_revit]

I read it 10 min ago and just stoped rolling. That made my weekend. 5/5

[Xantam]

i read it 10 min ago and just stoped rolling. that made my weekend. 5/5
Err What?

Anyway nonjon, it was hilarious, but that's to be expected from you. It was a little bit more crude than your usual humor, but still good. Good to see some new fanfiction from you.
5/5

[HotIce]

This requires a part two! Talking Va-jay-jays. :-)

[knothead]

This requires a part two! Talking Va-jay-jays. :-)

No. The Vagina Dialogues.

Oh, and as far as "Two Heads" is concerned. 5 stars.

[Vegemeister]

The Vagina Dialogues.


Yes.

Filler goes here.

[Jearom]

Wow, so soon after ABC we get this one-shot? Thanks nonjon!

But what's up with this?

Wow. I wont deny that it was humorous. But, somehow, it kind of feels like it was missing something. A good 3 our of five for that fact that it was humorous, but somehow I don't think a story about a bunch of crude jokes and penis jokes deserves a 5.

If there had been more to it, not length wise, but ...you know.. plot wise, maybe. As is though, it sort of lacks that ...something more.

Vash down on crude jokes and penis jokes?

As for whoever complained about the Super!WeasleyTwins Pranks-Of-Doom, I personally don't mind since this is a humor fic and its used as a plot device. It's better than all the lame switch all the House Colors around or see through robes pranks.

[Othalan]

Pure Comedic Art. Makes me want to talk to my second head. God I hope he's not French...

Anyway, kudos to nonjon for awesomeness and extreme lolitude. 5/5

[jbern]

Quality stuff. The total recall nod and Snape's tool being an emo cutter being mocked by Statler and Waldorf pushed this into epic territory. 5/5

[Lord Osiris]

Oh absolutly brillient 5/5 i was laughing continuesly through this, without fail.

Truely and epic masterpiece Nonjon, bravo.

[bornagainpenguin]

A good 3 our of five for that fact that it was humorous, but somehow I don't think a story about a bunch of crude jokes and penis jokes deserves a 5.

It's precisely for this reason it deserves a 5/5! ...Wait this was VASH???

Wow man, are you feeling alright or something?

--bornagainpenguin

[Freelancer]

Brilliant! I'm not rolling on the floor, but my brother did look at me strangly when I laugh out loud.

5/5 No questions.

[Dr. Strange Lulz]

A horrible keening sound rattled like a death knell and a tortured voice emerged from the High Inquisitor’s nether regions. “Quaid… start the reactor.”

Brilliant, absolutely brilliant.

5/5

[Giovanni]

Liked the Hurt reference, rofl.

It's a cutter!

5/5

[The Deadman]

Pure comedic genius. 5/5.

[Antivash]

So... who's got links to some good Harry/Draco or good Harry/Severus? 8D I just lov...

Oh.. my mistake. I thought I was on Fanfiction.net

*needs to read urls better. next tiem*

[Oz]

Lol. Definitely deserves a place in the library, nonjon. Can't wait to see more from you. :p

5/5

[JCCS]

“We could pee on them,” Harry’s penis suggested. “If the well’s running dry, I could probably tap a vein and piss blood. It’s good for stains.”


And that's where I started laughing.

[Dressed in Black]

http://i2.photobucket.com/albums/y21/Helvius/bpw5.jpg

[Dark Syaoran]

I'd give it a green.

Didn't like it all that much, but it was good enough. A few of the jokes made me laugh and others made me smile, but over-all, there is only so much penis-humor to be had before it just gets boring.

I liked that line with Lisa Turpin. Probably my favorite part.

[Gizmore]

uhaehuaehauhe

[Cy Block]

Hehe. Penis. No matter the encouragement or motivation—Harry just can’t seal the deal. I am afraid of potential sequels. I’m not sure I want to know what vaginas would say if they talked. Not even if they’re just relaying the thoughts of an obviously depraved author. Full marks.

[Anubis]

Hillarious - Kept me laughing throughout once it got going. Great work nonjon.

Easily a 5/5, and I have to back the calls for a follow up.

[DoubleE]

Outstanding. Original. I wish I had a better critical review to give you, but I was laughing through your entire fic. A sequel would be nice, but really not necessary. 5/5.

[Torak]

5.5 I came I laughed I reviewed

[Warlocke]

But, somehow, it kind of feels like it was missing some... penis...

If there had been more to it, not length wise, but ...you know... something more.Girth?

I can't help but agree. The length was okay, but I didn't feel it like a 5, you know? Needed more girth, I guess.

4/5

[The Erotic advetures of S]

Dean and Seamus made it go from win to epic.

[Illution]

5/5 I actually laughed at a few moments in the fic. We more of these funny perverted fics.

[Mechanicalchrist]

Holy god that was magnificent. Hardest a fanfic has made me laugh in a long time.

Fives

[nonjon]

Alright. I'll just come right out and crush a lot of your hopes: any continuation or sequel of this is highly unlikely. I won't say never, but don't hold your breath.

Frankly, I think it's damn impressive I managed to make nearly 10,000 words of juvenile penis jokes not get too tired or repetitive. Probably the truest measure of this fic's success is that there are so many different parts people have found funniest (Dean, Seamus, Neville, Lisa Turpin, the crying 2nd year Ravenclaw, Snape, Draco, Umbridge/Kuato, and so on and so forth).

And as usual, my favorite line is no one else's favorite: “Oh god! My mouth is full of blood. Oh god. Oh… wait. That’s normal.”

I like the idea of the non-existent sequel being called The Vagina Dialogues but a couple of the gags that didn't make it into this fic and would be in the sequel offer a title I'd had in mind before knothead's suggestion.

Neville spotted a sparsely filled hidden bookshelf. He picked up a book that showed signs of frequent usage. "Two Witches, One Goblet?"

"Don't open that!" Harry frantically shouted at his roommate. "Trust me, Nev. You're not ready for the Hufflepuff one yet. Here, start with the Ravenclaw album."

Neville took Harry's advice and traded him books. "Barely Eagle?"
And yeah. My original thoughts for the non-existent sequel were to call it Two Witches, One Goblet.

One other bit I neglected to use:"Well, it's like they say. The Headmaster is a prankster at heart and I guess I'm a prankster at-"

"Thank you, Harry. We get it."

And yeah there's no larger plot, no real point, no over-arching mystery to unravel here. But I still give it 5/5. It's possible I'm not objective though.

[Korisovra]

I give it a 5/5, myself, so you're spot on. I actually laughed at points and was entertained enough to finish it. Excellent work.

[Goddessa39]

Well I guess there is no need for a sequel but I really wish there was maybe a oneshot somewhere where you, nonjon, put out some of the more vagina-worthy humor takes of the others out there. And of course, if most of the other penises have shut up, then Harry will spend most of his time attempting to silence his penis which was busy critiquing all of the loud motherlode of talkative vaginas and rubbing it in to the females that they are no more than pussys that need to be f^ck*d.

[della_couer]

I read the humor fics from time to time...eventually some start to repeat. The same old jokes, twisted a new way. Nonjon certainly succeeds where others fail. I'll honestly admit to have never read something like this before...although Gogol's "The Nose" did come to mind a bit.

A did wonder why Ron's penis had a french accent...hmmm, curious there.

Still a good fic that had me laughing, even more so when the shoe was on the other foot, as it were. Hermione's "I have teeth" or something to that effect cracked me up.

[Militis]

Did everyone else miss the reference to "Teeth"?

Slowly, all across the room, vaginas began to speak up for the first time.

“Don’t look so surprised,” Padma’s vagina snidely remarked. “You think you need a head to talk? No, what you need is lips.”

“Fuck lips. I got teeth,” Hermione’s lower half piped up. She quickly clamped both hands over the front of her skirt. “No you don’t. I don’t! It doesn’t have teeth. I swear.”In any case, it was good for a laugh. I also wouldn't mind reading a sequel, but I had my doubts about it happening, Still, 5.5 for teh lulz as you lot say here.

[reggin]

easily library worthy 4.9/5

you get a 10th of a percent for a sequel or continuation.