1001 Deaths of Lord Voldemort by Crys - T - ONESHOT

[ip82]

Title: 1001 Deaths of Lord Voldemort
Author: Crys
Rating: T
Genre: Humor/Parody
Pairings: None
Status: ONESHOT (2,000 words)
Summary: Lots of ways for ol' Voldy to lose
Link: FANFICAUTHORS.NET (http://crys.fanficauthors.net/1001_Deaths_of_Lord_Voldemort/1001_Deaths_of_Lord_Voldemort.html)

More than a dozen of funny/silly/stupid ways for Voldemort to die.

Here's an example of what this is all about:

Harry Potter lay on the ground, bloody, battered, and finally beaten. He painfully turned his head to glare at his arch nemesis.

Lord Voldemort smiled nastily. "And so the Boy Who Lives becomes the Boy Who Finally Died." With a grand flourish, he raised his wand to cast the Killing Curse.

Harry watched in shock as a triple-decker, violently purple bus appeared out of thin air. Before it came to a shuddering halt, it ran over the Dark Lord.

Stan Shunpike stepped out. "Welcome to the Knight Bus."

[DaytonDeusBlack]

Heh..this is nice for a laugh. The Barney one is nice.

[ChuckDaTruck]

Great! The Vernon one made me laugh VERY hard. That was good.

[That_Boy]

"Padma, do you have a second?"

The seventh year Ravenclaw looked over at Harry for one confused moment before shrugging slightly and following him into an unused classroom. "What's up?"

Harry smiled at her nervously. "You've heard the rumors that I'm the only one who can kill Voldemort, right?"

She shuddered but nodded.

"And the rumor that the power I have over him is love?"

She nodded again, now more confused than anything.

"Well, you see, the thing is that Dumbledore had this idea . . . Well, maybe it's easier if you just read this." She handed the very confused girl a piece of parchment that had been addressed to her. While she read, he paced back and forth, trying to burn some of the anxious energy off.

Mouth agape, she looked up at him. "You have got to be kidding me."

Harry just shrugged.

"You can't seriously expect me . . . Are you out of your mind?!"

Harry shrugged again. "Padma, it's for the good of the wizarding world."

"Well, maybe, but . . . An orgy with you and fifteen girls?" she asked in disbelief.

Awesome

[Element]

Harry shrugged again. "Padma, it's for the good of the wizarding world."

Awesome

I think he's been spending far too much time with Dumbledore ;) .
Brilliant one-shot.

[Avitus]

the Quirrell one had me crying...that should be immortalised in a bronze statue :wizard:

[IndoGhost]

"Padma, do you have a second?"

The seventh year Ravenclaw looked over at Harry for one confused moment before shrugging slightly and following him into an unused classroom. "What's up?"

Harry smiled at her nervously. "You've heard the rumors that I'm the only one who can kill Voldemort, right?"

She shuddered but nodded.

"And the rumor that the power I have over him is love?"

She nodded again, now more confused than anything.

"Well, you see, the thing is that Dumbledore had this idea . . . Well, maybe it's easier if you just read this." She handed the very confused girl a piece of parchment that had been addressed to her. While she read, he paced back and forth, trying to burn some of the anxious energy off.

Mouth agape, she looked up at him. "You have got to be kidding me."

Harry just shrugged.

"You can't seriously expect me . . . Are you out of your mind?!"

Harry shrugged again. "Padma, it's for the good of the wizarding world."

"Well, maybe, but . . . An orgy with you and fifteen girls?" she asked in disbelief.


......who wouldn't do that?

[Jolly Rancher]

Haha, some of the ones were good, the Knight Bus, Barney, and the Orgy being the best of them. But some of them were just plain, WTF. But all in all, pretty good.

[Niffler Lord]

Some of those were funny. Pretty good ideas.

[Lunarian]

All of those were good and seemed to fit this site IMO, except the malfoy veela one.. *Shudder*.

I personally liked the Luna one.

[Xiph0]

[spoiler:27a123860c]A Death Eater Inner Circle meeting was in progress.

Voldemort was monologuing about how he was going to cleanse the world of all but pure-blooded wizards.

Lucius Malfoy tuned him out as the Malfoy eagle owl soared in and perched on his shoulder. Lucius untied the scroll and read the note from his son.

"Pardon the interruption, my Lord, but I have only one question."

Voldemort, cut off in mid-rant, glared dangerously at his primary follower. "Speak, Lucius."

"You agree that we should kill all half-bloods?"

"Of course."

In a lightning fast move, Lucius raised his wand and pointed it at his Master. "Avada Kedavra!"[/spoiler:27a123860c]

Brilliant!

[killginny009]

Lord Voldemort strode triumphantly into the office of Albus Dumbledore.

Headmaster Dumbledore, indomitable spirit that he was, smiled, twinkled, and said, "Hello, Tom. Would you care for a lemon drop?"

Voldemort considered killing the meddlesome old fool right then (and killing that damnable phoenix for staring at him like that as well). On the other hand, lemon drops WERE one of his favorite candies from the time he was in that thrice-damned orphanage.

Two minutes later, Voldemort fell to the floor, choking to death on a muggle sweet.

thats my favorite
As the dust settled, the Order of the Phoenix slowly moved in.

In the center of the devastation, they found Harry Potter, sitting on the ground, breathing heavily but apparently unhurt. Across from him, Lord Voldemort also sat on the ground, looking around curiously.

"What happened?" Remus eventually asked after peering at the confusing scene for a full two minutes.

Harry looked up, grinning in a way that even the former Marauder found disturbing. "He's going to spend the rest of his life believing he's a six year old muggle girl."

"Could someone please braid my hair?" Lord Voldemort asked in an innocent, high pitched voice.

thats my second favorite..
Coming out to the front lawn of Hogwarts and marching down toward the tall figure standing in the middle of the field of green, Harry went to face his destiny.

Once he was close enough, he said cheerfully, "Hello, Tom. So nice of you to come."

Eyes narrowing in anger at the address, Voldemort hissed out, "Potter. You're bringing your school trunk to our duel instead of your wand?"

"Our wands don't work against each other, Tom. You know that. No, what's IN the trunk is what's important. Here, let me show you." Harry reached forward and opened the trunk.

Harry's boggart took the form of a dementor. Voldemort's, on the other hand, was far different.

"I love you. You love me," sang a plush purple dinosaur.

that wins the bronze..

[ChuckDaTruck]

Those all felt kind of obvious or lame.

I thought the Vernon one was Hilarious. I Just imagined:

Voldemort shouting, "Avada Kedavra." Vernon Dursley dies, but his momentum carries him forward on top of Voldemort. The wand goes skittering across the floor as Voldemort slowly asphyxiates (sp?)

Its brilliant. He does it better read it.

[oldmagic]

i like the last one where he gets his handed to him by everyon during the food ball game

[ChuckDaTruck]

NEW PARTS HAVE BEEN ADDED!!!

(The football one is best) ;)

[oldmagic]

these arn't as funny as the other ones. either that or i'm just feeling moody today.