Rob
03-28-2006, 02:06 AM
Posted by bobmi357
There are certain common elements in Harry Potter Stories and if you
recognize these elements, then writing a story is a piece of cake.
1) Harry is allowed to make incredibly complex magic, but even
something as simple as a shoe tying charm needs either a girlfriend
or Hermione to remind him about it.
2) Harry gets angry a lot.
3) Ron is not allowed an independant thought except when someone
makes the connection between chess and warfare. At which point he
becomes an strategic idiot savant. (I'm guilty of this)
4) The Weasley Twins don't have a serious bone in their body.
5) Molly will think her kids are too young even when they are
pushing their seventies. She is also the source of the Weasley foot
in mouth disease.
6) Harry always has more money than the Weasleys and Ron is jealous
because of it.
7) Hermione reads everything. She's really smart and has
uncontrollable hair. (If she's so smart, why would she pick an utter
moron like Ron? Maybe it's pity? :D)
8) Ginny's sole purpose in the series is to torment Harry. Which is
why he turns gay in so many stories. If you had a hot red head
teasing you all the time and never putting out, you'd turn gay also.
9) Dumbledore knows best, even when he's ill, crazy, or just plain
evil.
10) Snape will always be an asshole. But he's an asshole with
panache.
11) Voldemort is incapable of thinking up simple plots to kill Harry
Potter. Goblet of Fire is a perfect example of that. He couldn't
kidnap, bleed him and kill him in chapter one? No, he had to go
through this convoluted and elaborate plot that was filled with
possible failure points.
12) Harry gets angry. Probably because Ginny is teasing him again.
13) Harry falls in love with his mortal enemy Snape or Draco or
Voldemort. Oh yeah, this makes sense doesn't it?
14) Harry is really Snape's and or Riddle's son despite dna evidence
that puts him as the son of King Kong.
15) Spell checking, beta readers and grammar are not needed if you
have a cool plotline.
16) Draco is really a nice guy who is just misunderstood and of
course it makes sense for him to fall in love with
Hermione/Ginny/Luna/Hannah/Susan/Hagrid/Harry/Lucius/Cornelius/Dumble
dore and or Cheesy the wonder monkey and Dobby. Perferrably one at a
time.
Posted by jeconais
17) If one character is gay, every single character MUST be gay as
well.
(Dorothy's additions to Number 17)
Which virtually requires 17a) and b) and c) as a consequence if the
wizarding community is to survive:
17a) MPREG.
17b) The female characters think the M/M characters are all perfect
together.
17c) The incredibly conservative wizarding community sees nothing
wrong with men getting married and having babies together; in fact, it
is all quite normal and they think the Muggle-borns are weird when
they don't accept it easily.
18) Canon knowledge is NOT necessary. After all, if JKR had written
something good, why are we all writing fanfiction?
19) If a character doesn't fit, insert yourself - but don't forget
to make yourself more powerful than Harry, DD, and Voldemort
combined - and what ever you do, make sure that your hair sparkles
like the stars on a cloudless night, reaches your toes, that you're
eyes are viole(n)t, and that you can kick everyone's ass without
breaking a nail. And if you're female... doubly so.
20) If you don't like a character, then they are obviously evil or
extremely indelicate in their entanglements, and anyone who
disagrees is a mindless flamer who should be sent to hell for not
recognizing your genius.
21) You are the author, therefore, you rock. Criticism is only
accepted if sounds something like...
Squeeee! but u shud kill HArrY ur sommat, he like, sycks. writ mor,
u r the gretest eva! (and yes, it was painful to type that)
22) If someone is a better writer than you are (and ignores this
list), steal their story, no one will notice - honest, and if people
do, then claim you posted it by accident, and had changed a few
words for your own benefit. (yes, this is the excuse I received once
after being plagiarized)
23) If you are under 17, and have never had sex OR been kissed, then
make sure you write smut, because after all, it is just like what
you see on TV or on porno movies. And remember, 42 pages is a good
length for a description of the characters first kiss
Posted by bobmi357
24) If you are a virgin, a girl ALWAYS orgasms with her first sexual
experience. If you aren't a virgin, then you know too much to write
a realistic story.
25) Its perfectly acceptable to spend multiple chapters detailing
everything Harry buys on his shopping trips, even the condoms
(Ribbed for her pleasure) and then use 2 paragraphs to describe the
remaining 2 months of the summer.
26) Superharry is acceptable only if we give him every weapon known
to man and every defensive device. Its ok if you want to put him
aboard the bridge of the Starship Enterprise, but only if Hermione
is there to be his Science officer.
Posted by hedwigsken
27) And he when he receives the superpowers and weapon he MUST be
able to have them under his complete control by the end of that
chapter... there's no use in letting him develop it throughout the
story cause that will take space away for all the yummy muscled
sexiness that is harry...
Posted by jeconais
28) It takes 2 hours of training to become an expert at all martial
arts and weapons
28b) Once learnt, martial arts should only be used once, on Malfoy,
and never on Voldemort or in a final battle.
29) Defeating Voldemort is NOT the point of your story - and he
should only be referenced on rare occasions so everyone can admire
your ability to do so.
30) All new professors should be American.
31) If you don't know real latin for spells, pig latin should do
just as well. If not, get a dictionary and make up phrases, because
latin works just like English, so literal translations are fine
Posted by jkoney65
32) His birthday/Christmas present from the Weasley's should be a
hand for the clock.
33) While at the Burrow he should go to the
creek/pond/river/lake/swimming hole to think or swim and while
swimming he should notice how much Ginny/Hermione have filled out
since school let out.
34) Having your father coming back to life should only upset you for
a paragraph before you accept it
35) Send Harry to Azkaban for something he didn't do and only let
one friend believe him
Posted by downdilly1
36) Beat Harry to a pulp then have him drag himself outside to do
chores.
Posted by eiahmon
37) No matter how powerful or wealthy or whatever Harry becomes, he
can still be reduced to a blushing, lip biting, stammering,
stuttering mess, by one word spoken by either Ginny, Hermione,
Dumbledore, or Lupin.
38) No matter how powerful or wealthy Harry becomes, and no matter
how many friends and allies he gathers, he will still have almost no
self confidence and will attempt suicide at least once.
39) Draco is NEVER fully human, usually being at least 1/4 Veela
39b) Draco will have full access to all Veela powers no matter how
little Veela blood he possesses, and he will have complete control
of them.
39c) Harry will always be Draco's chosen Veela mate.
39c) No one but Ron, Hermione, and Harry himself will a problem with
Element #39c
40) All memories of muggle technology are erased from the
muggleborns' minds upon entering Hogwarts, leaving them incapable of
asking Harry if he's considered using a strategic nuke against
Voldermort.
41) Except for one person (See Element #35) no one will have any
problem turning against Harry on flimsy or nonexistent evidence.
42) Even seemingly intelligent men like Author Weasley will be
completely unable to grasp the concepts behinds simple things like
electricity, no matter how well it is explained to him.
43) Just as your story is leading up to the scene with the explosive
confrontation between Angry!Harry and Evil!Dumbledore, stop updating
for a month or so, just to torment your readers.
And of course here is the end of that first post by bobmi357.
These are critical rules that you must adhere to if you intend to
write a Harry Potter fan fiction. Authors that fail to do so run the
risk of generating real Literature!!!!
There are certain common elements in Harry Potter Stories and if you
recognize these elements, then writing a story is a piece of cake.
1) Harry is allowed to make incredibly complex magic, but even
something as simple as a shoe tying charm needs either a girlfriend
or Hermione to remind him about it.
2) Harry gets angry a lot.
3) Ron is not allowed an independant thought except when someone
makes the connection between chess and warfare. At which point he
becomes an strategic idiot savant. (I'm guilty of this)
4) The Weasley Twins don't have a serious bone in their body.
5) Molly will think her kids are too young even when they are
pushing their seventies. She is also the source of the Weasley foot
in mouth disease.
6) Harry always has more money than the Weasleys and Ron is jealous
because of it.
7) Hermione reads everything. She's really smart and has
uncontrollable hair. (If she's so smart, why would she pick an utter
moron like Ron? Maybe it's pity? :D)
8) Ginny's sole purpose in the series is to torment Harry. Which is
why he turns gay in so many stories. If you had a hot red head
teasing you all the time and never putting out, you'd turn gay also.
9) Dumbledore knows best, even when he's ill, crazy, or just plain
evil.
10) Snape will always be an asshole. But he's an asshole with
panache.
11) Voldemort is incapable of thinking up simple plots to kill Harry
Potter. Goblet of Fire is a perfect example of that. He couldn't
kidnap, bleed him and kill him in chapter one? No, he had to go
through this convoluted and elaborate plot that was filled with
possible failure points.
12) Harry gets angry. Probably because Ginny is teasing him again.
13) Harry falls in love with his mortal enemy Snape or Draco or
Voldemort. Oh yeah, this makes sense doesn't it?
14) Harry is really Snape's and or Riddle's son despite dna evidence
that puts him as the son of King Kong.
15) Spell checking, beta readers and grammar are not needed if you
have a cool plotline.
16) Draco is really a nice guy who is just misunderstood and of
course it makes sense for him to fall in love with
Hermione/Ginny/Luna/Hannah/Susan/Hagrid/Harry/Lucius/Cornelius/Dumble
dore and or Cheesy the wonder monkey and Dobby. Perferrably one at a
time.
Posted by jeconais
17) If one character is gay, every single character MUST be gay as
well.
(Dorothy's additions to Number 17)
Which virtually requires 17a) and b) and c) as a consequence if the
wizarding community is to survive:
17a) MPREG.
17b) The female characters think the M/M characters are all perfect
together.
17c) The incredibly conservative wizarding community sees nothing
wrong with men getting married and having babies together; in fact, it
is all quite normal and they think the Muggle-borns are weird when
they don't accept it easily.
18) Canon knowledge is NOT necessary. After all, if JKR had written
something good, why are we all writing fanfiction?
19) If a character doesn't fit, insert yourself - but don't forget
to make yourself more powerful than Harry, DD, and Voldemort
combined - and what ever you do, make sure that your hair sparkles
like the stars on a cloudless night, reaches your toes, that you're
eyes are viole(n)t, and that you can kick everyone's ass without
breaking a nail. And if you're female... doubly so.
20) If you don't like a character, then they are obviously evil or
extremely indelicate in their entanglements, and anyone who
disagrees is a mindless flamer who should be sent to hell for not
recognizing your genius.
21) You are the author, therefore, you rock. Criticism is only
accepted if sounds something like...
Squeeee! but u shud kill HArrY ur sommat, he like, sycks. writ mor,
u r the gretest eva! (and yes, it was painful to type that)
22) If someone is a better writer than you are (and ignores this
list), steal their story, no one will notice - honest, and if people
do, then claim you posted it by accident, and had changed a few
words for your own benefit. (yes, this is the excuse I received once
after being plagiarized)
23) If you are under 17, and have never had sex OR been kissed, then
make sure you write smut, because after all, it is just like what
you see on TV or on porno movies. And remember, 42 pages is a good
length for a description of the characters first kiss
Posted by bobmi357
24) If you are a virgin, a girl ALWAYS orgasms with her first sexual
experience. If you aren't a virgin, then you know too much to write
a realistic story.
25) Its perfectly acceptable to spend multiple chapters detailing
everything Harry buys on his shopping trips, even the condoms
(Ribbed for her pleasure) and then use 2 paragraphs to describe the
remaining 2 months of the summer.
26) Superharry is acceptable only if we give him every weapon known
to man and every defensive device. Its ok if you want to put him
aboard the bridge of the Starship Enterprise, but only if Hermione
is there to be his Science officer.
Posted by hedwigsken
27) And he when he receives the superpowers and weapon he MUST be
able to have them under his complete control by the end of that
chapter... there's no use in letting him develop it throughout the
story cause that will take space away for all the yummy muscled
sexiness that is harry...
Posted by jeconais
28) It takes 2 hours of training to become an expert at all martial
arts and weapons
28b) Once learnt, martial arts should only be used once, on Malfoy,
and never on Voldemort or in a final battle.
29) Defeating Voldemort is NOT the point of your story - and he
should only be referenced on rare occasions so everyone can admire
your ability to do so.
30) All new professors should be American.
31) If you don't know real latin for spells, pig latin should do
just as well. If not, get a dictionary and make up phrases, because
latin works just like English, so literal translations are fine
Posted by jkoney65
32) His birthday/Christmas present from the Weasley's should be a
hand for the clock.
33) While at the Burrow he should go to the
creek/pond/river/lake/swimming hole to think or swim and while
swimming he should notice how much Ginny/Hermione have filled out
since school let out.
34) Having your father coming back to life should only upset you for
a paragraph before you accept it
35) Send Harry to Azkaban for something he didn't do and only let
one friend believe him
Posted by downdilly1
36) Beat Harry to a pulp then have him drag himself outside to do
chores.
Posted by eiahmon
37) No matter how powerful or wealthy or whatever Harry becomes, he
can still be reduced to a blushing, lip biting, stammering,
stuttering mess, by one word spoken by either Ginny, Hermione,
Dumbledore, or Lupin.
38) No matter how powerful or wealthy Harry becomes, and no matter
how many friends and allies he gathers, he will still have almost no
self confidence and will attempt suicide at least once.
39) Draco is NEVER fully human, usually being at least 1/4 Veela
39b) Draco will have full access to all Veela powers no matter how
little Veela blood he possesses, and he will have complete control
of them.
39c) Harry will always be Draco's chosen Veela mate.
39c) No one but Ron, Hermione, and Harry himself will a problem with
Element #39c
40) All memories of muggle technology are erased from the
muggleborns' minds upon entering Hogwarts, leaving them incapable of
asking Harry if he's considered using a strategic nuke against
Voldermort.
41) Except for one person (See Element #35) no one will have any
problem turning against Harry on flimsy or nonexistent evidence.
42) Even seemingly intelligent men like Author Weasley will be
completely unable to grasp the concepts behinds simple things like
electricity, no matter how well it is explained to him.
43) Just as your story is leading up to the scene with the explosive
confrontation between Angry!Harry and Evil!Dumbledore, stop updating
for a month or so, just to torment your readers.
And of course here is the end of that first post by bobmi357.
These are critical rules that you must adhere to if you intend to
write a Harry Potter fan fiction. Authors that fail to do so run the
risk of generating real Literature!!!!