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Rob
03-28-2006, 02:06 AM
Posted by bobmi357

There are certain common elements in Harry Potter Stories and if you
recognize these elements, then writing a story is a piece of cake.

1) Harry is allowed to make incredibly complex magic, but even
something as simple as a shoe tying charm needs either a girlfriend
or Hermione to remind him about it.

2) Harry gets angry a lot.

3) Ron is not allowed an independant thought except when someone
makes the connection between chess and warfare. At which point he
becomes an strategic idiot savant. (I'm guilty of this)

4) The Weasley Twins don't have a serious bone in their body.

5) Molly will think her kids are too young even when they are
pushing their seventies. She is also the source of the Weasley foot
in mouth disease.

6) Harry always has more money than the Weasleys and Ron is jealous
because of it.

7) Hermione reads everything. She's really smart and has
uncontrollable hair. (If she's so smart, why would she pick an utter
moron like Ron? Maybe it's pity? :D)

8) Ginny's sole purpose in the series is to torment Harry. Which is
why he turns gay in so many stories. If you had a hot red head
teasing you all the time and never putting out, you'd turn gay also.

9) Dumbledore knows best, even when he's ill, crazy, or just plain
evil.

10) Snape will always be an asshole. But he's an asshole with
panache.

11) Voldemort is incapable of thinking up simple plots to kill Harry
Potter. Goblet of Fire is a perfect example of that. He couldn't
kidnap, bleed him and kill him in chapter one? No, he had to go
through this convoluted and elaborate plot that was filled with
possible failure points.

12) Harry gets angry. Probably because Ginny is teasing him again.

13) Harry falls in love with his mortal enemy Snape or Draco or
Voldemort. Oh yeah, this makes sense doesn't it?

14) Harry is really Snape's and or Riddle's son despite dna evidence
that puts him as the son of King Kong.

15) Spell checking, beta readers and grammar are not needed if you
have a cool plotline.

16) Draco is really a nice guy who is just misunderstood and of
course it makes sense for him to fall in love with
Hermione/Ginny/Luna/Hannah/Susan/Hagrid/Harry/Lucius/Cornelius/Dumble
dore and or Cheesy the wonder monkey and Dobby. Perferrably one at a
time.

Posted by jeconais

17) If one character is gay, every single character MUST be gay as
well.

(Dorothy's additions to Number 17)

Which virtually requires 17a) and b) and c) as a consequence if the
wizarding community is to survive:

17a) MPREG.

17b) The female characters think the M/M characters are all perfect
together.

17c) The incredibly conservative wizarding community sees nothing
wrong with men getting married and having babies together; in fact, it
is all quite normal and they think the Muggle-borns are weird when
they don't accept it easily.

18) Canon knowledge is NOT necessary. After all, if JKR had written
something good, why are we all writing fanfiction?

19) If a character doesn't fit, insert yourself - but don't forget
to make yourself more powerful than Harry, DD, and Voldemort
combined - and what ever you do, make sure that your hair sparkles
like the stars on a cloudless night, reaches your toes, that you're
eyes are viole(n)t, and that you can kick everyone's ass without
breaking a nail. And if you're female... doubly so.

20) If you don't like a character, then they are obviously evil or
extremely indelicate in their entanglements, and anyone who
disagrees is a mindless flamer who should be sent to hell for not
recognizing your genius.

21) You are the author, therefore, you rock. Criticism is only
accepted if sounds something like...

Squeeee! but u shud kill HArrY ur sommat, he like, sycks. writ mor,
u r the gretest eva! (and yes, it was painful to type that)

22) If someone is a better writer than you are (and ignores this
list), steal their story, no one will notice - honest, and if people
do, then claim you posted it by accident, and had changed a few
words for your own benefit. (yes, this is the excuse I received once
after being plagiarized)

23) If you are under 17, and have never had sex OR been kissed, then
make sure you write smut, because after all, it is just like what
you see on TV or on porno movies. And remember, 42 pages is a good
length for a description of the characters first kiss

Posted by bobmi357

24) If you are a virgin, a girl ALWAYS orgasms with her first sexual
experience. If you aren't a virgin, then you know too much to write
a realistic story.

25) Its perfectly acceptable to spend multiple chapters detailing
everything Harry buys on his shopping trips, even the condoms
(Ribbed for her pleasure) and then use 2 paragraphs to describe the
remaining 2 months of the summer.

26) Superharry is acceptable only if we give him every weapon known
to man and every defensive device. Its ok if you want to put him
aboard the bridge of the Starship Enterprise, but only if Hermione
is there to be his Science officer.

Posted by hedwigsken

27) And he when he receives the superpowers and weapon he MUST be
able to have them under his complete control by the end of that
chapter... there's no use in letting him develop it throughout the
story cause that will take space away for all the yummy muscled
sexiness that is harry...

Posted by jeconais

28) It takes 2 hours of training to become an expert at all martial
arts and weapons

28b) Once learnt, martial arts should only be used once, on Malfoy,
and never on Voldemort or in a final battle.

29) Defeating Voldemort is NOT the point of your story - and he
should only be referenced on rare occasions so everyone can admire
your ability to do so.

30) All new professors should be American.

31) If you don't know real latin for spells, pig latin should do
just as well. If not, get a dictionary and make up phrases, because
latin works just like English, so literal translations are fine

Posted by jkoney65

32) His birthday/Christmas present from the Weasley's should be a
hand for the clock.

33) While at the Burrow he should go to the
creek/pond/river/lake/swimming hole to think or swim and while
swimming he should notice how much Ginny/Hermione have filled out
since school let out.

34) Having your father coming back to life should only upset you for
a paragraph before you accept it

35) Send Harry to Azkaban for something he didn't do and only let
one friend believe him

Posted by downdilly1

36) Beat Harry to a pulp then have him drag himself outside to do
chores.

Posted by eiahmon

37) No matter how powerful or wealthy or whatever Harry becomes, he
can still be reduced to a blushing, lip biting, stammering,
stuttering mess, by one word spoken by either Ginny, Hermione,
Dumbledore, or Lupin.

38) No matter how powerful or wealthy Harry becomes, and no matter
how many friends and allies he gathers, he will still have almost no
self confidence and will attempt suicide at least once.

39) Draco is NEVER fully human, usually being at least 1/4 Veela

39b) Draco will have full access to all Veela powers no matter how
little Veela blood he possesses, and he will have complete control
of them.

39c) Harry will always be Draco's chosen Veela mate.

39c) No one but Ron, Hermione, and Harry himself will a problem with
Element #39c

40) All memories of muggle technology are erased from the
muggleborns' minds upon entering Hogwarts, leaving them incapable of
asking Harry if he's considered using a strategic nuke against
Voldermort.

41) Except for one person (See Element #35) no one will have any
problem turning against Harry on flimsy or nonexistent evidence.

42) Even seemingly intelligent men like Author Weasley will be
completely unable to grasp the concepts behinds simple things like
electricity, no matter how well it is explained to him.

43) Just as your story is leading up to the scene with the explosive
confrontation between Angry!Harry and Evil!Dumbledore, stop updating
for a month or so, just to torment your readers.

And of course here is the end of that first post by bobmi357.

These are critical rules that you must adhere to if you intend to
write a Harry Potter fan fiction. Authors that fail to do so run the
risk of generating real Literature!!!!

Evil Shnitzel
03-28-2006, 02:18 AM
Why didn't you post it in the cliche-rant? :?

Dark Lord Rostam
03-28-2006, 02:22 AM
Everything on that list is in Sunset Over Britian or SOB for short. Go figure.

Dubrichius
03-28-2006, 02:32 AM
I think that was the point of SOB, to write something so overly cliché as to be ludicrous. But that's just my interpretation of it.

Harpy Prince
03-28-2006, 04:19 AM
8) Ginny's sole purpose in the series is to torment Harry. Which is
why he turns gay in so many stories. If you had a hot red head
teasing you all the time and never putting out, you'd turn gay also.
No...

Niffler Lord
03-29-2006, 02:24 AM
LOL. This sums up most of what was said in the cliche thread nicely. Thanks for the laugh.

Ginny's sole purpose in the series is to torment Harry. Which is
why he turns gay in so many stories. If you had a hot red head
teasing you all the time and never putting out, you'd turn gay also.

You forgot that in most of all cases no other girls exist to release the pentup frustration.

Harpy Prince
03-29-2006, 02:47 AM
I'd rather bone Crookshanks than be in the same room as Ginny's blackhole-I mean vagina. At least Crookshanks would provide some friction.

Darius
04-12-2007, 08:23 PM
That's a good list but they missed a few:

No one thinks it's weird that Harry and a man 4 times his age fuck, even when Harry is 15 or younger.

No matter how powerful Harry is, he must stress over his NEWTS and study frantically for them, lest he fail and not become an auror.

Harry's cum must taste like peaches.

Should you not like a male character in Harry Potter, they must have a tiny penis by default.

Harry has a toned, hard body from those years of quidditch practice, because flying on a broom is so very taxing.

All things evil can be found at Borgin and Burkes.

All merchants are willing to part with a time stopping device, instead of using it for them selves, as only Harry would think to train with it.

Xiph0
04-12-2007, 08:40 PM
21) You are the author, therefore, you rock. Criticism is only
accepted if sounds something like...

Squeeee! but u shud kill HArrY ur sommat, he like, sycks. writ mor,
u r the gretest eva! (and yes, it was painful to type that)lol, Yarrgh.


Edit: Looks like a spam post, but seriously, does this not remind anyone of the swapper?

KenderCleric
04-12-2007, 09:51 PM
...
All things evil can be found at Borgin and Burkes...


Bloody hell. Now I've got an idea for a one-shot spoof about this. Damn you!

Darius
04-12-2007, 10:02 PM
Uh-oh Xiph, you better watch out now, BloodLust will be here to flame you any moment now :O

Dark Lord Rostam
04-12-2007, 10:02 PM
Harry's cum must taste like peaches.


Best thing you have ever said.

CaptainG
04-15-2007, 10:17 AM
If harry is going to be gay, then he accepts it straight away. Because you know, he just wakes up in the morning and realises these kinda things.

THis rule is only broken when he is gay because he is Draco's Veela mate, in which case he fights furiously against this fact until the time when Draco grabs him and kisses him, at which point everything becomes right in the worlf and Harry realises that he is in fact gay

Vesvius
04-16-2007, 06:13 PM
Ah, we forgot a few.

Hagrid mus' tal' liked' thiser', 'cause 'postrophe's's mak' thin's 'etter

Hedwig must somehow become a phoenix

Harry's ancestors must have been tramps, cause he's related to everyone from Merlin to Gryffindor to Optimus Prime

The twinkle in Dumbledore's eye must be him reading everyone's mind.

Verse of Darkness
04-16-2007, 06:42 PM
Dumbledore absolutely has to defeated by a teenaged boy who just hit puberty.

Muttering Condolences
04-16-2007, 08:56 PM
When Harry finally defeats Voldemort, he will immediately marry the girl he is currently dating, preferably Ginny. He doesn't need to date or figure out that the world stretches beyond the walls of Hogwarts, Ginny is his TRU LUV!!11!

Furthermore, Harry will never have any physical or mental problems after defeating Voldemort. Never mind that he was horribly injured in the final battle, and has seen dozens of people brutally slaughtered, all that trauma goes away with one kiss from his TRU LUV!!11!

Aekiel
04-18-2007, 07:49 AM
Since yet another thread has been brought back from the dead I may as well give my opinion...

He forgot that Griphook (who knows all about account managing despite being the goblin equivilent of a shopping trolley collector) and Ragnok (Gringott's Director/President/Manager) are the only trustworthy goblins in the world and are really nice people deep, deep down. Not manipulative and greedy at all...

Otherwise its good, though I don't think Harry turned gay in SOB, though I never did finish it so I may be wrong...

Oh and one more thing - his current girlfriend's parents are happy to let the two fuck ten times a day while they're still in the house, and aren't bothered that they are underage.

Aekiel

Darius
04-18-2007, 09:02 PM
Since yet another thread has been brought back from the dead I may as well give my opinion...

I had permission.