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New Moan - Book 1 of the Twishite Saga

Discussion in 'Books and Anime Discussion' started by Joe, Dec 30, 2009.

  1. Joe

    Joe The Reminiscent Exile ~ Prestige ~ DLP Supporter ⭐⭐⭐

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    Well - it was only a matter of time.

    http://www.amazon.co.uk/New-Moan-Twishite-Twilight-Parody/dp/1843174448

    From the back:

    'I want to bite you, Heffa. I want to bite you very hard. I'll be gentle, I promise. If you really loved me, you'd let me.'


    Heffa Lump is just a typical, pale and interesting seventeen-year-old, who doubts that anyone will ever see her true beauty. But then she moves to Spatula and meets Teddy Kelledy, an impossibly gorgeous boy who eats rare meat, is super-strong and never goes out in sunlight. Could he, just maybe - be a vampire? (Hint: totally.) A tale of first love, painful longing and even more painful pointy teeth, "New Moan" is a hilarious parody of the phenomenon that is Stephenie Meyer's Twilight saga.


    One of the better parodies and one that is likely to hit the mainstream soon enough.

    A few of the better lines:


    • 'I backed away from the make-up wielding goth, conscious that their circle was closing in on me. Escape seemed impossible, but maybe it wouldn't be too bad; The Cure did have a couple of good albums...'

    • "I must go - the smell of your blood is overpowering!" he ejaculated.

    • 'I spun around - the Spunky Puritans were manhandling the prop penis through the theater entrance, and one of them had lost their footing on the stairs. I froze as the giant member thrust forward. There was no way to avoid its tumescence. It fell full onto me, knocking me down. My head struck the cold tarmac, but I felt strangely warm beneath the elongated rubber hardness.'

    • "And the thing is, if you grow up anymore, you'll realise I'm just a shallow romantic cliche, a thirteen-year-old's idea of a perfect man. You won't care for me at all once you reach maturity, and I can't bear the thought of losing you. You're all I think about. I can't sleep - well, I don't sleep, but if I did, I certainly wouldn't be able to - I'm off my steak, I've barely even investigated the men's spring collection. Images of you possess me. If I can't plunge my teeth into your inviting flesh, I don't know what I'll do."
    "Oh, my darling," I sighed, and held him tightly.

    While no great work of literary prowess, it is a brief, humourous look at the whole absurdity of the Twilight phenomenon. It captures a lot of the idiotic prose and plot (or lack thereof) in Meyer's books.

    Definitely has its moments.
     
  2. Portus

    Portus Heir

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    The most satisfying bit on the page was the link to this book under the "Customers Who Bought This Item Also Bought" banner.

    It Looks Like a C**k (Hardcover) :awesome

    I honestly did a double-take.
     
  3. Blaise

    Blaise Golden Patronus

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    Fuck this person for making money (even satirically) off of the Twilight phenomenon; specifically, the anti-Twilight phenomenon. And Schrodinger's "New Moons" cover > 'New Moans by a factor of over 9000.

    That being said, Heffa Lump made me lol.
     
  4. Nemrut

    Nemrut The Black Mage ~ Prestige ~

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    Is there a link for that?
     
  5. JoJo23

    JoJo23 Unspeakable

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    yeah, I've seen this in the bookshop for a few weeks now. I just facepalm and move on.
     
  6. Oz

    Oz For Zombie. Moderator DLP Supporter

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  7. Blaise

    Blaise Golden Patronus

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    Nah, I think Photobucket axed it. No appreciation for art, I tell ya.
     
  8. Andro

    Andro Master of Death DLP Supporter

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    I respect the fuckwit who wrote this even less than Stephanie Meyer. Her works were already in the territory of self-parody, making this redundant.

    Edit: There happens to be a whole slew of parodies. Cockfags.
    In addition to those, there are other books related to the franchise. Why does Twilight need a companion guide? Even the actor in the movie's written a book about hismself.
     
    Last edited: Jan 7, 2010
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