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View Full Version : [WIP] Patriot's Dawn by The Pro - T - Naruto


Inert
01-16-2011, 06:19 PM
Title: Patriot's Dawn
Author: The Pro (formerly The Six Paths of Creation)
Rating: T (PG-13)
Genre: Action-Adventure/Drama
DLP Category: Alternate Universe
Pairing: Nothing definite
Status: WIP
Chapters: 15
Words: 139,198
Updated: February 22, 2012
Published: October 31, 2010
Summary:Uzumaki Naruto was born to be a shinobi. He was supposed to be a killer, a protector of unparalleled skill. His lineage and the demon in his gut ensured that. In canon, his growth was stunted. In here, he had a reason to be strong. He has to survive. AU.
Link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6441645/1/Patriots_Dawn

Well, I feel kind of awkward posting this here, I'm the author, but I could really do with some more opinions on this fic, as I'm hoping to take it pretty far along. I wish I had posted the first chapters in the WBA section, but I didn't know we had a WBA for other fandoms :o. I figured I'd let some people read it before posting new stuff in the WBA.

Anyway, it's AU starting before canon begins, with Naruto having a chance encounter that impresses upon him the idea that he should actually train, rather than slack off like he did in canon.

I've gotten a pretty good response from FF.net, not that that means shit, but I'm not getting much in the way of constructive criticism that I couldn't have thought of on my own. My other Naruto fic, Hurricane Suite, has gotten a fairly positive response here, and I'm working on implementing a bunch of the suggestions I've just recently found in that thread.

Tell me what you think.


Checked: June 11, 2012

Garden
01-16-2011, 08:16 PM
I'm not done with reading, but so far it looks good.
Will post back with more.
Just on a grammar mistake I noticed:
"This may prove to be a bit harder than he had first imagined."
The tense isn't consistent here with the rest of the paragraph.
Edit:
The Gai training had me wary, but then you redeemed yourself by not going overboard. The fight with Sasuke was a nice touch. I hate the mention of orange, but its unobtrusive, so I'll ignore it. The weights were cliche, but they make sense, so that's fine. The only thing that really stands out negatively is the emotion. Naruto seems to have definite emotions and feelings, but the writing is rather cold. Its smooth and descriptive, but it doesn't have much punch.
The initial push for Naruto is definitely realistic. I like the idea of Itachi doing that.

I'll come back again with a few more comments.
Second edit:
Asuma is done very well here. His test is unique and fits him as well. Good job on that. The special weights are cliche, but again, they make sense being used in this manner (in Naruto canon, not RL).

Spelling error:
"Being the son of the Hokage has some perks," Asuma said simply. Naruto wasn't sure, but he looked less than pleased with the notion that his name got him special treatment, despite his willingness ot exploit it. Naruto knew the feeling."

There's an abundance of smirking, so maybe toning down on that would be a good idea.

Repetition:
"was a beautiful sight to behold. Bathed in moonlight under a clear, starlit sky, Konoha exuded an orange glow from nearly every corner. It was a sight to behold from on high, and it was this that originally led Naruto to his favorite haunt. The top of the Yondaime's head."

I noticed this:
"short of Sarutobi outright ordering them, he wouldn't likely ever."
There's no reason given for him not interfering. Maybe you could justify his inaction? A convenient one would be to say that the Hokage traditionally doesn't interfere with the school, or something to that effect.

Edit back later with more comments...

Just finished the available chapters...
The writing and Naruto's emotion become much more present and in focus. I like it.
Also, the ending of last available chapter is great.

Narf
01-16-2011, 11:43 PM
LOL you killed Asuma

Good story. I always appreciate a strong Naruto who still stays true to his roots.

Dark Syaoran
01-17-2011, 03:53 AM
With the latest cliffhanger, this has become one of my favourite stories. Just because of that. Here's hoping that the author sticks with it. I'd be pretty bummed if he doesn't.

Shouldabeenadog
01-17-2011, 01:18 PM
I could definetly seem he cheating out of it, but I add my vote to the "keep it true" crowd. I want to see the effects of that on Naruto very badly.

One thing I don't like about this story is the combat scenes. I'm not sure if I'm just not reading them right or something, but I cannot get into them, they feel very stilted and fankly boring. I usually end up skipping every 2 paragraphs until i've outrun the fight, and then go back and read from there.

That minor quibble aside, it is a great story.

pdo91
01-17-2011, 01:40 PM
One thing I don't like about this story is the combat scenes. I'm not sure if I'm just not reading them right or something, but I cannot get into them, they feel very stilted and fankly boring. I usually end up skipping every 2 paragraphs until i've outrun the fight, and then go back and read from there.

You're definitely reading them wrong. The combat scenes are one of the greatest strengths of the story.

I've been following it for a while, and I definitely prefer it to Hurricane Suite . Not to mean that I dislike Hurricane Suite, but Patriots Dawn is slightly more focused of the characters and it works better. As long as you're willing to take risks to avoid a canon rehash (and you've proven beyond a shadow of a doubt you are), then this will turn out great.

Probably my favorite thing about the story is how utterly outclassed Naruto is. Not many authors can pull that off without making the characters weak and/or pussies, but you've managed it perfectly. It makes it that much better when Naruto isn't outclassed anymore, and lends itself better to the not-as-flashy world you're writing.

I'd rate this 4.5/5 right now, and if you can keep up the current level of writing til the end it will be an easy 5/5.

Now go update.

Dark Syaoran
01-17-2011, 03:18 PM
The one problem I see is how Ino - and maybe Kiba? - seem to be catching his level after a couple of months when he has been busting his ass since Itachi scared the shit out of him. It happens in a lot of stories. They are trying to control how Naruto grows and not make him too powerful, so they try level the field a bit with the other rookies... only the rookies grow by leaps and bounds. They never surpass him, but they come close enough.

It's not that I want Naruto to steamroll everyone. That would be boring as hell. But if he has been putting in his all since he was 7 - was it 7? - and continues to keep putting in his all, he should be heads above the others - apart from Saskue, who has been training with him all this time anyway.

Ino and Sakura were pathetic until the time-skip. Even now, they aren't that great compared to the people they are fighting in canon. Kiba wasn't that crash hot during the Chunin Exams either.

Then again, Naruto grows at ridiculous levels in canon himself. So yeah.

Inert
01-17-2011, 04:32 PM
Thanks for the feedback guys.

Naruto being outclassed is something that I really put a lot of effort into, as I'm trying to show that a few extra years of really solid training doesn't make him God all of a sudden. By that same token, neither Kiba nor Ino are really at his level yet, but they do more than hold their own in spars. Maybe I didn't write it clearly enough, but that's where I'm trying to go with that bit. In the spars, Naruto's major strengths, Wind Chakra, more devastating jutsu and the like are limited, so two competent genin would be around his strength level. In a straight fight, they're not even close. There just haven't been many straight fights yet.

I've been catching a bit of heat for that bit even on ff.net, surprisingly.

@Dark Syaroan: Naruto is heads and shoulders above others, but Ino's been working her ass off the same as him, and Kiba was so bad in the manga, at least for a genin. Naruto hasn't had too much chance to really show off, as he's been fighting enemies that both outclass him and match up against him in ways that make it tough for him to win. That's what I'm going for at least.

I've read too many fics where Naruto dominates all of his fights regardless of anything, be it terrain, experience, etc. I'm trying to make a realistic world with this fic, and fights where Naruto doesn't have the advantage all the time come with the territory. He'll start showing some more brilliance later on, though.

@pdo91: I have 7600 words of the next chapter done, though I'm thinking about posting it in WBA first to get some real feedback. I'm not entirely pleased with them yet. Unfortunately, from what I've seen, the other fandom WBA doesn't get much in the way consistent posting.

Dark Syaoran
01-17-2011, 06:29 PM
In the spars, Naruto's major strengths, Wind Chakra, more devastating jutsu and the like are limited, so two competent genin would be around his strength level. In a straight fight, they're not even close. Yeah, it was probably how it was worded or something. Though you'd think that even in spars, his taijutsu and speed would be more than enough against Ino, at least. He's been training with Gai for how long? And Ino has only been taking her career seriously for a few months, compared to Naruto's years.

But yeah, it isn't all that serious of an issue or anything. I probably looked into it a bit too much. It's ten-times better than god-like Naruto stomping everyones shit.

Iztiak
01-17-2011, 06:57 PM
I agree with what Syao is saying, without the second part of his post, saying it could be reasonable. It doesn't make sense. I dislike God-mode Naruto same as anyone else, but this is a step too far.

He's been training incredibly hard since he was 7, with Gai, of all people... And Ino and Kiba can hold their own in a fight against him in several months? I wouldn't think they'd ever get remotely close to him with the head start he had.

I mean hell, in canon Naruto beat Kiba, with Kiba holding his own for the fight... And that's with Naruto knowing absolutely nothing but Kage Bushin, with Orochimaru's seal wrecking his chakra control at the time.

Canon Naruto. Naruto with no survival instinct, or Taijutsu training, or anything that you added in this story. Ino was even worse than Kiba.

What's the point in even adding all that work and training and motivation if he is exactly the same level as he was without it?

He's been training with Gai for years, "putting his all" same as Lee... Not just for training, but because he's motivated to survive.

Do you remember the first time we saw Lee in canon?

I could see you saying that Naruto isn't as good as Lee in Taijutsu, far worse, even.
But really? It does not add up.

I'd almost wager that Pre-time skip Lee could probably beat post-time skip Kiba AND Ino. And I hate Lee. lol >_>

Anyway, I really enjoyed the rest of the story, besides that.

Inert
01-17-2011, 07:59 PM
~snip~

Gotcha. I definitely see what you're saying here, and agree. I've gone back and looked at my work and admit that it comes off a little strong. I'll see about that in later chapters.

Iztiak
01-17-2011, 09:23 PM
Excellent. ^^ That's all I was concerned about, I have greatly enjoyed the rest of the story, just that part bugged me. It was definitely not something that would prompt me to stop reading though.

I tend to get a bit worked up about inconsistencies in stories that I actually like. :P

SmileOfTheKill
01-19-2011, 02:32 AM
I noticed my chapter 5 review in the latest chapter. I was that guy that took offense to the logic Asuma used, the entire, ""...Naruto, it's that the only way to get stronger is to focus on yourself, and what you need to get where you want to go."". Fact is, I am endlessly amused at how right I was pointing out how far Asuma logic will work. Well this is assuming that you really did kill Asuma though.

rj_stone2
01-22-2011, 12:51 AM
I like the premise, I like the strong but not super Naruto, and I like the way Naruto gradually realizes how outclassed he is in A-ranked battle. I share the quibble about his teammates catching up--even as Naruto realizes he was only a big fish in the small pond of rookie genin, he should still stay the big fish in that area.

I have a comment about the combat. Once I manage to decode what you've written and translate it into a movie in my head I like the way you handle combat. The issue I have is that it can be a little tricky to figure out what's going on. Part of it is the exclusive use of Japanese technique names, as I only really have instant recall of the academy techniques. I think it's fine to have the characters announce the techniques with the Japanese terms, but when you describe what's going on it would be a lot easier to read in English. For example:
Asuma palmed two kunai with explosive tags and hurled them at Zabuza. The concussive force kicked the dirt and dust into the air. He prepared to charge into the fray once more when his opponent used the cover to reinforce his earlier Kirigakure no Jutsu. Asuma cursed as he found himself back at square one.
Why not just say his opponent used the cover to replace the mist that Asuma had blown away, or whatever your preferred way is to describe the result of the technique? Similarly:
The jonin glanced about hurriedly, and he used his wind chakra to clear the air around him of mist. His eyes widened as he saw Zabuza atop the small lake, sealing slowly and deliberately.

He was powerless to stop the inclement Suiton: Suiryuudan that tore through the air toward him.

A hasty Kawarimi saved his skin and reduced a log to splinters, and he shot another Shinkuu Taigyoku at the Mist Swordsman. The assassin blocked with a creative use of the Suiton: Suirou no Jutsu that wrapped around him and shielded him from the worst of the blast.
I think it's easier to follow and has more impact if you say that Asuma was powerless to stop the giant dragon made out of water that was bearing down on him... he shot a wind bullet at Zabuza... and Zabuza blocked the attack with a creative use of a capture technique to briefly imprison himself in a sphere of water that absorbed the worst of the blast.

The problem with the Japanese technique names for me is that (1) I don't remember all of them, and can't figure them all out from context; and (2) it tends to make combat feel kind of turn based, with a list of techniques going back and forth.

Also, on the assassination mission I like the idea of having them struggle with it, but I'm not sure if the way you did it is really consistent with the Narutoverse. What I mean is that in the real world an adult will have an advantage in strength and endurance over even the best trained 12 year old. However, in the Narutoverse hard training lets people reach a level of strength and conditioning that is impossible in the real world. Accordingly, if you have a 12 year old who has been training the way Naruto is supposed to have been training, it is surprising to see him getting overpowered in close quarters by a guy who isn't described as being anything special.

Put another way, if you tell me "pre-timeskip Lee and a no-name adult C rank missing nin mix it up in a taijutsu battle" my assumption is that Lee is going to curbstomp the guy. Since I thought Naruto was roughly on a level with Lee it was surprising to have that not happen, especially since it is attributed to the other guy's strength. If Naruto had trouble because of something that is more attributable to guile or experience (the guy uses a hidden blade, or uses ninjutsu in an unexpected way, or uses tags that Naruto didn't take into account, or set traps in his apartment, or something) it would be easier to swallow.

tl;dr: I like the plot, characters, character interaction, and the thought that goes into the combat sequences. The combat sequences could be rewritten to be easier to follow and a little more consistent with Narutoverse conventions.

fire
12-31-2011, 02:34 AM
Patriot's Dawn (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6441645/13/Patriots_Dawn)has been updated updated.

Short review of the entire story, from memory:

1) As other posters have noted, The Pro's combat scenes are fantastically good. They're hard to describe, but I would say that a) action is concisely described, so it actually feels like a fighting scene, and not like one of Hamlet's soliloquys, and that b) action is imaginatively written i.e. the jutsus are used effectively and ruthlessly - as you would expect from killer ninjas.

2) The characterization is good enough - though in recent chapters Naruto seem too mature - as evinced from his language.

3) Overall, the story can only be considered great if it goes in a direction different from canon. Orochimaru's attack was a good move by the author - we can expect there to be more to the story than a canon rehash. Hopefully the Chunin exams will turn out to be sufficiently different from canon as well.

Pasta Sentient
01-05-2012, 11:27 PM
I admit I might be somewhat biased considering that I have had difficulty in finding decent Naruto fics, but holy shit! This story is amazing!

I am sure there are things I could point out that was inconsistent in the story, but I was too busy enjoying the fic to even notice them. So I will throw in my two cents with a 4.5 out of 5 with a potential for a perfect 5 if things progress in the same manner.

Good Job!