I'm pretty much writing a world from scratch, borrowing pieces of terminology from our world as I need and then trying to shift it to some degree, but the biggest piece I'm worrying over right now is the magic people can use, as well as the terms for that usage.

I like it, but that doesn't mean its good. If you guys could critique it and just give the usual WBA-styled examination, I'd appreciate it.

Energy System
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The basis of it is that the world my setting is taking place on has eight different elements that can be used by the people, divided into four primary elements, three metallic subdivisions, and one superior division based off of the sun, which essentially trumps the others.

The working reasoning here is that energy is pulled into the world from the universe around it, mainly from the sun- the heat it gives is just the easiest manifestation of the energy it provides on the way to being sucked in - and then, as it is stored around the metallic core of the planet, the energy naturally manifests otherwise into the four primary elements - thunderstorms, continents, seas, firestorms, and such.

As the energy is being naturally used up this way, it creates a current that can be sensed by the people, and those with that ability are able to tap into it and dilute it for more basic purposes.

The core provides energy for the three sub-elements in the same way that the suns-stored energy is gradually brought to the surface, yet the current it creates is different enough to limit who can sense it and who can use it.

Likewise, the eighth element can only be sensed by those attuned enough to the energy to feel its base presence within the primary four, and draw the current back to the natural stores of it around the core, thus those who can use the subdivisions can also usually use the eighth element, and those with exceptional skill can even follow the reverse-currents to the sun itself, and far more cautiously draw from it directly.

To sum it up; Sun gives energy to the planet > planet stores that energy around the core > energy is changed by this over time, and trickles to the surface > new energies are manifested into natural effects, including disasters > the trail of the energy from the surface to the core can be sensed, and used, by humans > humans dilute the power of the energy, creating fire, rain, gusts, and X(earth/rock energy manifested).

People and Setting

This is meant to be a sort of medieval, almost feudal setting, as far as the technology level goes. Stonework and masonry essentially counts for everything that might be even remotely advanced, using gears of stone and such for rotating doors or travel between floors of a building, but nothing approaching the kind long-range communication we would use.

They still walk or run everywhere necessary, and the people are divided into two classes; those who can sense energy, and those who can't.

Their ancestors crashed their stone ships in the current land roughly ten thousand years before, after fleeing by sea from a crumbling Monarchy and the first signs of energy-usage by humans, and the chaos that stemmed from a war to control it by force.

They currently reside in a Dynasty, where the position of leadership is passed down along a familiar line, and those who can sense energy make up the militant forces, scouting positions and such, and are referred to as the 'Nobleblood'. They can only sense the currents of the four primary elements.

Those who can't are relegated to essentially being the ruled-over, and at the moment are literally referred to as the 'peasant class'.


Outside of the realm of the Dynasty and across the vast desert are a separate race of people altogether, known as the Ihlias. They have an entirely different culture and system in place, and they primarily focus on the three subdivisions and the eighth element.

They are ruled over by a handful of ancient men and women, and all of their kind are extremely long lived as a result of using the currents of their elements.

Results of energy usage

All of the people in the Dynasty who use the currents of energy over many, many years, begin to gradually accept that element into their nature.

Essentially they gain aspects of the element, and this has come to manifest primarily in the eyes, where the greatest element takes over the pupil color and the second-greatest element appears as flecks and pinpricks therein.

This has become a genetic inheritance and serves as an indication from a young age to what element they will be able to use when they grow older, and they will only ever be able to sense those particular elemental currents throughout the world.

Depending on the energy used, the life of the user is gradually stretched out as opposed to those who can not, who typically die around fifty or sixty years of age compared to reaching well past a hundred, if not two and three plus centuries in the case of the earth-energy users.

Terms

Jihuhien Sentries; men and women who utilize the four primary elements. The term comes from the Old Archahrias language, and the four words for earth, wind, water, fire.

They are the first barrier against the raids of the Reashi along the outer edges of the Road to Regalia and the villages situated on the outskirts upon it.

They are broken down into four fields, and many tiers within those fields. See also; Tochi Sculptor; Hukaze Weaver; Suiu Kin; Hiyaku Artist.


Maizar; the term comes from the Old Archahrias language, and the word for master.

A Jihuhien Sentry known as a Maizar has the utmost limit of one of the four manifestations under their control, and are in constant grasp of the currents. They are referred to by either "Name Maizar", "Maizar Sentry", or "Hiyaku, Suiu, Hukaze, or Tochi Maizar Name".

Maizar's are typically excluded from the nominal Jihuhien tasks, and are reserved for keeping aspects of the land functioning on a basic average; this far away from Eldiuma, the land refuses to rain, or stay still, without around-the-day observation and encouragement by their hands(and manipulation of the currents through Commandment).


Ihlias, the; they are the original people of Senekra, alongside the Reashi that emerged from the north for the first time long after the Ihlias had built their capital city, Eldiuma.


Reashi, the; they are alabaster-skinned creatures masquerading as men, with pitch-black eyes that strike at the heart and freeze ones blood cold the longer a gaze is held. Their four-finger hands always terminate on jagged, curved points, and they make not a whisper of wind in their wake.

They are known as the Reapers among the peasant class, and are attributed even greater supernatural prowess than they are naturally gifted with.


Commandment; refers to the ability to sense the currents of energy in the land, while Aura is the most commonly referred to term for the manifestation of those currents around a Sentry.

Different branches of the Sentries have different terminology for how they use this Aura, and the slight variances in how it appears to the naked eye.

By bringing their Aura to the forefront of their mind, through Commandment, they are able to direct it into a number of malleable forms.

It is thought that the Sentries could utilize all eight elements if they were taught how to, but no Sentry yet born could realize the other four on their own, and the Ihlias safeguard their information direly.

Hukaze Weavers call their Aura weaves, obviously, while Hiyaku Artists may use trails, the Suiu Kin grafts, and the Tochi Sculptors carvings.

The Nikkouten Seers simply call it molding. They mold the metal in their command into various and variable shapes, and the same of the golden radiance of Solis(sun).


Aura, forms of; Aura is the term for the physical manifestation of the Jihuhien energies.

With Hiyaku Artists, it appears from flames, be they solid, flickering, or liquid in appearance, and may or may not release heat enough to burn, or rise so high as to scorch the air around itself and inflict terrible damage to the flesh from a distance.

It has been known to be structured like armament, thrown forth like an arrow, or spear, or clutched tightly to each hand as a dagger, short sword, or even daito or tachi, the long sword.

Not all appearances are given to war, however, else they would not be referred to as Artists at all.

Many a Hiyaku Artist, particularly those of Maizar skill, create Aura that is indeed peaceful and beautiful, or dangerous of a different sort, akin to animals made of flame.

Amber hued doves are a favorite of the Maizar's for communicating with one another, for they are both greatly potent to those that might try to intercept the message, and intelligent enough to avoid harming one who has innocently crossed paths with the creature.

Hukaze Weavers typically garb themselves in subdued winds, but those with the skill and the temperament to hold it under control may even have chaotic flows enshrouded about their forms, allowing them to ward off lesser weaves that are only going to be ripped apart and swallowed into their own.

Similar to the Hiyaku Artists, they may replicate weaponry as well, but it is often too jagged to take a true appearance of the object in question, and they lack the skill to craft living creatures from the winds beyond the rare tornado.

Whip-like currents are the preferred tool of their Aura, or numerable and saw-edged darts, allowing them to essentially kill from a distance and recreate the weave with ease; holding onto the same weave after it has spent its use is needlessly wasteful.

Suiu Kin may manifest it as a layer of thin water around the outside of their figure, and so alter that appearance like a slightly shadowed mirror. This allows them to blend into the environment or even masquerade as another figure, though the Reashi are rarely fooled for long once the Sentry in question makes more than a whisper of movement.

Efforts to infiltrate Eldiuma in years past have been partially successful, in that owing to their Ihlias' blood, they Suiu Kin are allowed entry, but the disguises they hold are often observed and melted away by their Nikkouten Seers before anything of true value can be reported back to the Ardent Dynasty.

Like their brethren within the Sentries, Suiu Kin can create objects from their Aura, but they are rarely weaponry, which shatters upon impact. Instead they use it to catalog information, or recreate objects to be studied by the rest of the Maizar's later on.

Working imitations of creatures seen far and wide have been reintroduced, if only through the Hiyaku Artists' Aura manifestations, and it is through their combined efforts that ways to combat the Wyviere and Grewyrm's were eventually worked out if not mastered.

Tochi Sculptors manifest their Aura as a layer of additional flesh, sometimes stony and hard, others soft as mud, and some so akin to granite that they can not be injured even from a Hiyaku Artists hottest tachi. They are adept at creating blunt-force-trauma weapons, such as maces and morning stars, and have been known to manifest armor for their fellow Sentries at a cost of concentration.

They are very skilled at carving up the land and recreating it, especially in tandem with Suiu Kin allies, and aspects of the fortress of the Ardent Dynasty have been dated back to six thousand years from such a union of skill and effort.


Nikkouten Seers; aside from the Solis Apostles', who wield the eighth element, the fifth, sixth, and seventh elements are utilized by the Nikkouten Seers in three different clans. Originally they were known as the Nikkouten Miners, but over time and through union with the Solis Apostles', they gained access to the ability of foretelling, and so were renamed Seers in due time.

They are not counted among the Jihuhien Sentries because of their loyalty to the Ihlias, their own people, but perhaps also because they divide the fifth element, Metal, three ways to obtain a sixth and seventh from it.


Metal Affinities; the term the Nikkouten Miners referred to as the fifth, sixth, and seventh elements. The fifth element and the first Metal Affinity is the Soft Metal Affinity, allowing a Nikkouten Seer to draw up, bend, break, brew, and reconstruct any metal that is not of the second Affinity.

The sixth element and the second Metal Affinity is the Hard Metal Affinity, allowing for manipulation of any metal that does not belong to the first Affinity or the third Affinity.

And the seventh element and the third Metal Affinity is the Dense Metal Affinity, allowing for creation or manipulation of preexisting metals that are of the first two Affinities and joining them together to create the third Metal Affinity.

Nikkouten Seers can create bands out of the three Affinities that imitate other objects, such as steel rope, and steel blades, and when inscribed with threads of Solis in a certain ritual, they may be used for amplifying or binding down a Jihuhien Sentry's Commandment.


Solis; the eighth and final element, existing within and without all of the others. It is capable of superseding any working of Commandment by a Sentry or Seer, and is primarily used by the eldest of the Ihlias or their direct apprentices, the Solis Apostles'.


Dragofly; hand-sized insects with six angular legs around their hourglass figure, bearing four camouflaged wings, wedge-shaped heads with no eyes, and a jaw capable of spreading open up to ninety degrees. Their hundreds of miniature and needle-thin teeth puncture flesh with ease, and even Tochi Sculptor's have been known to bleed when penetration is made.

Only granite skinned Sentries are resilient to their fangs, but they will pester the hair and eyes in search of the hot blood they can sense beneath the skin. When one latches on, they will being to drink greedily, and even crushing their bodies to paste is difficult.


Wyviere; greater sized lizards that lack limbs, but carry two stone-like wings that wrap around their bodies defensively.

The Reashi have tamed them and use them as mounts in combat against the Jihuhien Sentries as much as against the Ihlias.

They are greatly agile, and swim in the desert sands when not sweeping through the skies, and fire melts right off of their flesh without damage.

It is only though penetration of their crimson hued eyes or through their numerable, needle-thin teeth and into the wide gullet behind them, that a Wyviere can be fatally wounded.

Efforts to cut through their flesh with Metal has proven destructive to the Metal in question if it is of the first two Affinities, and only the greatest of the third Affinities workings can actually carve through a Wyviere's body.


Grewyrm; even more massive lizards than the Wyviere, they are known to swim in the Black Sea unchanged and unchallenged by its malice, and burrow onto the land to make the Reashi desert their home when they desire sport.

They are known to hold a primal intelligence great enough to resist influence by the Solis Apostles, yet they take a chaotic interest in the Reashi on occasion, and will spare the creatures if no attention is brought by said creature to itself; at other times, they chase them down and swallow a Reashi and Wyviere whole.

It is thought to be a result of the Reashi's bonds to the Wyviere that they are occasionally spared, but many of them flee to the sky regardless when signs of Grewyrm activity are spotted.
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Ok, it seems like a solid magical structure, if very... defined. You'll have to find a way of getting all this information presented to the reader without a missive info-dum, which might be difficult.

First thing I wanted to comment on - stone boats. Is there a lack of trees in your world? Or are Tochi Sculpters able to produce stone boats that are better than wooden ones? Same question with the "gears of stone" you mentioned. Why is stone preferable to metal?

Next, are those who can sense energies (in the Dynasty, or the Ihlias) immediately drafted? Is energy-sensing completely genetic, or can it randomly appear in anyone?

Also, can you tell us more about the Reashi? The stuff you wrote was very poetic, but didn't really tell us much. Are they a rival empire? Annoying pests? Uneasy neighbours? More information about the Solis Apostles would be great too: you've told us who they are, but not what they do. Is it a mental power?

Not bad so far. Would like some clarification.

 

Thank you.

I've done a fair bit of thought and re-conceptualization on how the magic works to get to this current draft, and getting the info across without large dumps at a time is going to be the next step.

Responses here;

Trees were found to be too fragile for crossing the Black Sea when it counted, and the people of the old continent were already very proficient at working with stone, so they relied on stone ships in the dying years of the Monarchy's fall and the war for control of Commandment when they fled to Senekra.

A few river vessels had already been created from stone to test the properties before they committed to the ships, but at that point, it was more or less a desire to get the hell out of dodge while there was still anyone alive to do so.

After that, there were no trees at all in the new land. Barring the Ihlias cities on the far side of where the ships arrived, the rest of the region was a vast desert, and it has only been changed within the Dynasty's domain by usage of the four elements to resemble anything close to solid ground and rivers.

Metal wasn't unheard of for tools before, but it was far easier to produce what they needed from stone when the Tochi Sculptors began to get a grasp of their powers in Senekra.

After that, producing metallic objects essentially died out given the difficulty of procuring more of it, barring the rare trade with the Nikkouten Seers. It became a question of "why use that, which costs us the little we already have, when we can already create this for free?"

Energy-sensing is essentially genetic. If it ever appears in anyone among the peasant class, then its a result of their parent having a fling with one of the Nobleblood, and once it becomes apparent that the child can use Commandment, that child is scooped up into the Sentries as soon as possible to keep them from becoming a danger to anyone around them.

After that it's pretty much too late to back out, and they are a permanent unit of the Sentries in the ever-constant war against the Reashi.

All of the Nobleblood children already expect to become Sentries when they are old enough to start using Commandment and their Aura, so that isn't really an issue for them.

The Ihlias act the same in that regard, though their offspring are allowed the choice of becoming a Seer or an Solis Apostle and staying in Eldiuma, or crossing the desert to become one of the Dynasty ruler's council.

Something between annoying pests and rival empire. They lack human intellect, but have a more primal cunning and bestial instinct to guide them by, and they work with the Wyviere so well because they share a similar mind-to-mind communication that fails to work with humans.

For the most part, they just want to take back the lands that were stolen from them by the Dynasty, as the rest of their desert is taken over by Grewyrm's on a semi-annual basis.

Yeah, it is.

Unlike with the Sentries, and slightly less so with the Seers, who can sense the currents of the previous seven elements without a vast exertion, the Solis Apostles have to find the base traces of Solis current available in the other elements and then work on dragging it to the surface.

Scouring through the others to that minute degree requires intense concentration and resolve, and over time it developed into a mental art.

They aren't fully psychic, but the ability of foretelling came about from their refined focus on the currents of the world, allowing them to read what might come from the way the energy is changed and manipulated.

 

Is this meant to have a Japanese feel to it? The terminology makes you think of Asian languages.

On the topic of terminology... I feel there's too much, and that's it's too different. It's a common problem in fantasy: pages full of unfamiliar terms. It puts off potential readers. I think you should either limit your "new vocabulary" to just a couple of terms, or give the various names more familiar sounding names - perhaps words that are already English words, which you co-opt for your system.

As it is, your readers are going to need a glossary and will be constantly referring to it. That's not just a function of the number of new words, but also of their uniformity/unfamiliarity. People find it much harder to make distinctions between sounds and words in languages very different from their native one.

 

Yeah, that was my original intention.

Bugger. Though I suppose you're right about the familiarity/pronunciation issue.

I definitely want to keep a few terms as they are, particularly Maizar, and Ihlias(Based on ɪˈlɪzɪən "Elysian", and twisted), but the rest could be modified. The main thing is that I want a clear distinction between the different elements and their users, and the rather exotic sounding names served that purpose perhaps a little too easily.

Fire Artist, Earth Sculptor, etc has a rather lackluster sound to it by comparison, but I'll see about reworking it again.

Was the definition for Aura jumbled up as a result of the Japanese-influenced terms, or outside of that, do the various aspects for it work to some degree?

 

I have to agree with Taure's point and think that this could create some problems for the reader. Given the unfamiliarity of the terms you used, I would find it very difficult to remember who or what you are referring to.

While the abilities of the different classes of people are quite interesting, even after going through you system twice, I was confused as to who is capable of what. This is not just a factor of the unfamiliar names but also the complexity of the system. If the term used to describe a person had some hints as to their abilities, it would make it much simpler for me to follow.


From you description, the land seems to have been a desert.

The dry nature and the property of the land to shift as described below make me wonder if agriculture is possible at all.

Edit: On the difficulty in remembering names, I gotta point out that I've always had a terrible memory for them. Others might not have a difficult time.

 

Mm. Definitely need to revise it, then. I've had months to stare at the terms and become accustomed to them, but at a first glance I can see where the confusion would stem from.

Originally it was all desert. Then the Ihlias worked Commandment/Aura to reshape their part of the land, and the Dynasty's people learned from them how to do the same, if somewhat harder due to the element difference.

The thing is, the currents of energy are not naturally available around the clock. They only appear on the surface of the world whenever a natural disaster and such would occur, some as spinning out a tornado, or brewing thunderstorms, or a volcanic eruption.

The Ihlias worked around that by their oldest rulers taking their energy straight from the sun itself, but the Dynasty doesn't have that advantage, and they have to have their Maizar's drag the currents of energy up from below or else grapple to hold onto the ones that already did appear above ground, and force the currents to their location constantly for anyone to be able to sense them, let alone use them.

Agriculture and such isn't an issue so long as the currents can be found to draw in rain, and pull up the supplements, and etc.

 

The terms aren't so much a problem because in the story you'll be able to put names and faces to the abilities. That makes it much easier to differentiate between them all. They also won't be dumped on us in one great block of text.

Just make sure your explanation of each power is clear, and that the characters that wield those powers are fleshed out enough that readers get an example of how that power works.

 

I don't think the names are too difficult to remember: just bear in mind that readers are going call them 'Earth casters', or 'Fire casters' in their minds anyway.