Tell a Joke 2

[I LOVE GINNY]

I know there's another thread on this waaay back, but I didn't feel like necro-posting, so here's Tell a Joke 2.

I'll start it off.

Incredible story about an elephant's memory...


A young man was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from college.
While
he was walking through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant
standing with one leg raised in the air.

The elephant seemed distressed so the man approached it very
carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot. There was a
large thorn deeply embedded in the bottom of the foot.

As carefully and as gently as he could he worked the thorn out with
his
hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The
elephant turned to face the man and with a rather stern look on its
face, stared at him. For a good ten minutes the man stood frozen --
thinking of nothing else but being trampled.
Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away.

The man never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. Twenty
years later the man was walking through the zoo with his teenaged son.
As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned
and walked over to where they were standing at the rail. The largebull
elephant stared at him and lifted it's front foot off the ground, then
put it down. The elephant did that several times, all the while
staring at the man. The man couldn't help wondering if this was the same
elephant.

After a while it trumpeted loudly; then it continued to stare at him.
The man summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his
way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared
back in wonder.
Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of
the man's legs and swung him wildly back and forth along the railing,
killing him.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

[carvell]

A young man went to the chemist and asked if he could speak with the pharmacist,
"I am the pharmacist" the little old lady said.
"Oh, in that case forget about it" he replied and started to leave.
"Young man my sister and I have been running this pharmacist for 20 years, and there is nothing we haven't seen or heard, so what's your problem?"
"well I have a problem with erections once I get hard, it won't go down for hours and hours, no matter how many times i have sex! please can you give me something for it?"
"I'll have a chat with my sister" she told him.
About 15 minutes later she came back out "young man, I have spoken with my sister and the best we will offer you is £150 a week and a third interest in the business.

[I LOVE GINNY]

So, there's a man crawling through the desert.

He'd decided to try his SUV in a little bit of cross-country travel, had great fun zooming over the badlands and through the sand, got lost, hit a big rock, and then he couldn't get it started again. There were no cell
phone towers anywhere near, so his cell phone was useless. He had no family, his parents had died a few years before in an auto accident, and his few
friends had no idea he was out here.

He stayed with the car for a day or so, but his one bottle of water ran out
and he was getting thirsty. He thought maybe he knew the direction back, now
that he'd paid attention to the sun and thought he'd figured out which way
was north, so he decided to start walking. He figured he only had to go
about 30 miles or so and he'd be back to the small town he'd gotten gas in
last.

He thinks about walking at night to avoid the heat and sun, but based upon
how dark it actually was the night before, and given that he has no
flashlight, he's afraid that he'll break a leg or step on a rattlesnake. So,
he puts on some sun block, puts the rest in his pocket for reapplication
later, brings an umbrella he'd had in the back of the SUV with him to give
him a little shade, pours the windshield wiper fluid into his water bottle
in case he gets that desperate, brings his pocket knife in case he finds a
cactus that looks like it might have water in it, and heads out in the
direction he thinks is right.

He walks for the entire day. By the end of the day he's really thirsty. He's
been sweating all day, and his lips are starting to crack. He's reapplied
the sunblock twice, and tried to stay under the umbrella, but he still feels
sunburned. The windshield wiper fluid sloshing in the bottle in his pocket
is really getting tempting now. He knows that it's mainly water and some
ethanol and coloring, but he also knows that they add some kind of poison to
it to keep people from drinking it. He wonders what the poison is, and
whether the poison would be worse than dying of thirst.

He pushes on, trying to get to that small town before dark.

By the end of the day he starts getting worried. He figures he's been
walking at least 3 miles an hour, according to his watch for over 10 hours.
That means that if his estimate was right that he should be close to the
town. But he doesn't recognize any of this. He had to cross a dry creek bed
a mile or two back, and he doesn't remember coming through it in the SUV. He
figures that maybe he got his direction off just a little and that the dry
creek bed was just off to one side of his path. He tells himself that he's
close, and that after dark he'll start seeing the town lights over one of
these hills, and that'll be all he needs.

As it gets dim enough that he starts stumbling over small rocks and things,
he finds a spot and sits down to wait for full dark and the town lights.

Full dark comes before he knows it. He must have dozed off. He stands back
up and turns all the way around. He sees nothing but stars.

He wakes up the next morning feeling absolutely lousy. His eyes are gummy
and his mouth and nose feel like they're full of sand. He so thirsty that he
can't even swallow. He barely got any sleep because it was so cold. He'd
forgotten how cold it got at night in the desert and hadn't noticed it the
night before because he'd been in his car.

He knows the Rule of Threes - three minutes without air, three days without
water, three weeks without food - then you die. Some people can make it a
little longer, in the best situations. But the desert heat and having to
walk and sweat isn't the best situation to be without water. He figures,
unless he finds water, this is his last day.

He rinses his mouth out with a little of the windshield wiper fluid. He
waits a while after spitting that little bit out, to see if his mouth goes
numb, or he feels dizzy or something. Has his mouth gone numb? Is it just in
his mind? He's not sure. He'll go a little farther, and if he still doesn't
find water, he'll try drinking some of the fluid.

Then he has to face his next, harder question - which way does he go from
here? Does he keep walking the same way he was yesterday (assuming that he
still knows which way that is), or does he try a new direction? He has no
idea what to do.

Looking at the hills and dunes around him, he thinks he knows the direction
he was heading before. Just going by a feeling, he points himself somewhat
to the left of that, and starts walking.

As he walks, the day starts heating up. The desert, too cold just a couple
of hours before, soon becomes an oven again. He sweats a little at first,
and then stops. He starts getting worried at that - when you stop sweating
he knows that means you're in trouble - usually right before heat stroke.

He decides that it's time to try the windshield wiper fluid. He can't wait
any longer - if he passes out, he's dead. He stops in the shade of a large
rock, takes the bottle out, opens it, and takes a mouthful. He slowly
swallows it, making it last as long as he can. It feels so good in his dry
and cracked throat that he doesn't even care about the nasty taste. He takes
another mouthful, and makes it last too. Slowly, he drinks half the bottle.
He figures that since he's drinking it, he might as well drink enough to
make some difference and keep himself from passing out.

He's quit worrying about the denaturing of the wiper fluid. If it kills him,
it kills him - if he didn't drink it, he'd die anyway. Besides, he's pretty
sure that whatever substance they denature the fluid with is just designed
to make you sick - their way of keeping winos from buying cheap wiper fluid
for the ethanol content. He can handle throwing up, if it comes to that.

He walks. He walks in the hot, dry, windless desert. Sand, rocks, hills,
dunes, the occasional scrawny cactus or dried bush. No sign of water.
Sometimes he'll see a little movement to one side or the other, but whatever
moved is usually gone before he can focus his eyes on it. Probably birds,
lizards, or mice. Maybe snakes, though they usually move more at night. He's
careful to stay away from the movements.

After a while, he begins to stagger. He's not sure if it's fatigue, heat
stroke finally catching him, or maybe he was wrong and the denaturing of the
wiper fluid was worse than he thought. He tries to steady himself, and keep
going.

After more walking, he comes to a large stretch of sand. This is good! He
knows he passed over a stretch of sand in the SUV - he remembers doing
donuts in it. Or at least he thinks he remembers it - he's getting woozy
enough and tired enough that he's not sure what he remembers any more or if
he's hallucinating. But he thinks he remembers it. So he heads off into it,
trying to get to the other side, hoping that it gets him closer to the town.

He was heading for a town, wasn't he? He thinks he was. He isn't sure any
more. He's not even sure how long he's been walking any more. Is it still
morning? Or has it moved into afternoon and the sun is going down again? It
must be afternoon - it seems like it's been too long since he started out.

He walks through the sand.

After a while, he comes to a big dune in the sand. This is bad. He doesn't
remember any dunes when driving over the sand in his SUV. Or at least he
doesn't think he remembers any. This is bad.

But, he has no other direction to go. Too late to turn back now. He figures
that he'll get to the top of the dune and see if he can see anything from
there that helps him find the town. He keeps going up the dune.

Halfway up, he slips in the bad footing of the sand for the second or third
time, and falls to his knees. He doesn't feel like getting back up - he'll
just fall down again. So, he keeps going up the dune on his hand and knees.

While crawling, if his throat weren't so dry, he'd laugh. He's finally
gotten to the hackneyed image of a man lost in the desert - crawling through
the sand on his hands and knees. If would be the perfect image, he imagines,
if only his clothes were more ragged. The people crawling through the desert
in the cartoons always had ragged clothes. But his have lasted without any
rips so far. Somebody will probably find his dessicated corpse half buried
in the sand years from now, and his clothes will still be in fine shape -
shake the sand out, and a good wash, and they'd be wearable again. He wishes
his throat were wet enough to laugh. He coughs a little instead, and it
hurts.

He finally makes it to the top of the sand dune. Now that he's at the top,
he struggles a little, but manages to stand up and look around. All he sees
is sand. Sand, and more sand. Behind him, about a mile away, he thinks he
sees the rocky ground he left to head into this sand. Ahead of him, more
dunes, more sand. This isn't where he drove his SUV. This is Hell. Or close
enough.

Again, he doesn't know what to do. He decides to drink the rest of the wiper
fluid while figuring it out. He takes out the bottle, and is removing the
cap, when he glances to the side and sees something. Something in the sand.
At the bottom of the dune, off to the side, he sees something strange. It's
a flat area, in the sand. He stops taking the cap of the bottle off, and
tries to look closer. The area seems to be circular. And it's dark - darker
than the sand. And, there seems to be something in the middle of it, but he
can't tell what it is. He looks as hard as he can, and still can tell from
here. He's going to have to go down there and look.

He puts the bottle back in his pocket, and starts to stumble down the dune.
After a few steps, he realizes that he's in trouble - he's not going to be
able to keep his balance. After a couple of more sliding, tottering steps,
he falls and starts to roll down the dune. The sand it so hot when his body
hits it that for a minute he thinks he's caught fire on the way down - like
a movie car wreck flashing into flames as it goes over the cliff, before it
ever even hits the ground. He closes his eyes and mouth, covers his face
with his hands, and waits to stop rolling.

He stops, at the bottom of the dune. After a minute or two, he finds enough
energy to try to sit up and get the sand out of his face and clothes. When
he clears his eyes enough, he looks around to make sure that the dark spot
in the sand it still there and he hadn't just imagined it.

So, seeing the large, flat, dark spot on the sand is still there, he begins
to crawl towards it. He'd get up and walk towards it, but he doesn't seem to
have the energy to get up and walk right now. He must be in the final stages
of dehydration he figures, as he crawls. If this place in the sand doesn't
have water, he'll likely never make it anywhere else. This is his last
chance.

He gets closer and closer, but still can't see what's in the middle of the
dark area. His eyes won't quite focus any more for some reason. And lifting
his head up to look takes so much effort that he gives up trying. He just
keeps crawling.

Finally, he reaches the area he'd seen from the dune. It takes him a minute
of crawling on it before he realizes that he's no longer on sand - he's now
crawling on some kind of dark stone. Stone with some kind of marking on it -
a pattern cut into the stone. He's too tired to stand up and try to see what
the pattern is - so he just keeps crawling. He crawls towards the center,
where his blurry eyes still see something in the middle of the dark stone
area.

His mind, detached in a strange way, notes that either his hands and knees
are so burnt by the sand that they no longer feel pain, or that this dark
stone, in the middle of a burning desert with a pounding, punishing sun
overhead, doesn't seem to be hot. It almost feels cool. He considers lying
down on the nice cool surface.

Cool, dark stone. Not a good sign. He must be hallucinating this. He's
probably in the middle of a patch of sand, already lying face down and
dying, and just imagining this whole thing. A desert mirage. Soon the
beautiful women carrying pitchers of water will come up and start giving him
a drink. Then he'll know he's gone.

He decides against laying down on the cool stone. If he's going to die here
in the middle of this hallucination, he at least wants to see what's in the
center before he goes. He keeps crawling.

It's the third time that he hears the voice before he realizes what he's
hearing. He would swear that someone just said, "Greetings, traveler. You do
not look well. Do you hear me?"

He stops crawling. He tries to look up from where he is on his hands and
knees, but it's too much effort to lift his head. So he tries something
different - he leans back and tries to sit up on the stone. After a few
seconds, he catches his balance, avoids falling on his face, sits up, and
tries to focus his eyes. Blurry. He rubs his eyes with the back of his hands
and tries again. Better this time.

Yep. He can see. He's sitting in the middle of a large, flat, dark expanse
of stone. Directly next to him, about three feet away, is a white post or
pole about two inches in diameter and sticking up about four or five feet
out of the stone, at an angle.

And wrapped around this white rod, tail with rattle on it hovering and
seeming to be ready to start rattling, is what must be a fifteen foot long
desert diamondback rattlesnake, looking directly at him.

He stares at the snake in shock. He doesn't have the energy to get up and
run away. He doesn't even have the energy to crawl away. This is it, his
final resting place. No matter what happens, he's not going to be able to
move from this spot.

Well, at least dying of a bite from this monster should be quicker than
dying of thirst. He'll face his end like a man. He struggles to sit up a
little straighter. The snake keeps watching him. He lifts one hand and waves
it in the snake's direction, feebly. The snake watches the hand for a
moment, then goes back to watching the man, looking into his eyes.

Hmmm. Maybe the snake had no interest in biting him? It hadn't rattled yet -
that was a good sign. Maybe he wasn't going to die of snake bite after all.

He then remembers that he'd looked up when he'd reached the center here
because he thought he'd heard a voice. He was still very woozy - he was
likely to pass out soon, the sun still beat down on him even though he was
now on cool stone. He still didn't have anything to drink. But maybe he had
actually heard a voice. This stone didn't look natural. Nor did that white
post sticking up out of the stone. Someone had to have built this. Maybe
they were still nearby. Maybe that was who talked to him. Maybe this snake
was even their pet, and that's why it wasn't biting.

He tries to clear his throat to say, "Hello," but his throat is too dry. All
that comes out is a coughing or wheezing sound. There is no way he's going
to be able to talk without something to drink. He feels his pocket, and the
bottle with the wiper fluid is still there. He shakily pulls the bottle out,
almost losing his balance and falling on his back in the process. This isn't
good. He doesn't have much time left, by his reckoning, before he passes
out.

He gets the lid off of the bottle, manages to get the bottle to his lips,
and pours some of the fluid into his mouth. He sloshes it around, and then
swallows it. He coughs a little. His throat feels better. Maybe he can talk
now.

He tries again. Ignoring the snake, he turns to look around him, hoping to
spot the owner of this place, and croaks out, "Hello? Is there anyone here?"

He hears, from his side, "Greetings. What is it that you want?"

He turns his head, back towards the snake. That's where the sound had seemed
to come from. The only thing he can think of is that there must be a
speaker, hidden under the snake, or maybe built into that post. He decides
to try asking for help.

"Please," he croaks again, suddenly feeling dizzy, "I'd love to not be
thirsty any more. I've been a long time without water. Can you help me?"

Looking in the direction of the snake, hoping to see where the voice was
coming from this time, he is shocked to see the snake rear back, open its
mouth, and speak. He hears it say, as the dizziness overtakes him and he
falls forward, face first on the stone, "Very well. Coming up."

A piercing pain shoots through his shoulder. Suddenly he is awake. He sits
up and grabs his shoulder, wincing at the throbbing pain. He's momentarily
disoriented as he looks around, and then he remembers - the crawl across the
sand, the dark area of stone, the snake. He sees the snake, still wrapped
around the tilted white post, still looking at him.

He reaches up and feels his shoulder, where it hurts. It feels slightly wet.
He pulls his fingers away and looks at them - blood. He feels his shoulder
again - his shirt has what feels like two holes in it - two puncture holes -
they match up with the two aching spots of pain on his shoulder. He had been
bitten. By the snake.

"It'll feel better in a minute." He looks up - it's the snake talking. He
hadn't dreamed it. Suddenly he notices - he's not dizzy any more. And more
importantly, he's not thirsty any more - at all!

"Have I died? Is this the afterlife? Why are you biting me in the
afterlife?"

"Sorry about that, but I had to bite you," says the snake. "That's the way I
work. It all comes through the bite. Think of it as natural medicine."

"You bit me to help me? Why aren't I thirsty any more? Did you give me a
drink before you bit me? How did I drink enough while unconscious to not be
thirsty any more? I haven't had a drink for over two days. Well, except for
the windshield wiper fluid... hold it, how in the world does a snake talk?
Are you real? Are you some sort of Disney animation?"

"No," says the snake, "I'm real. As real as you or anyone is, anyway. I
didn't give you a drink. I bit you. That's how it works - it's what I do. I
bite. I don't have hands to give you a drink, even if I had water just
sitting around here."

The man sat stunned for a minute. Here he was, sitting in the middle of the
desert on some strange stone that should be hot but wasn't, talking to a
snake that could talk back and had just bitten him. And he felt better. Not
great - he was still starving and exhausted, but much better - he was no
longer thirsty. He had started to sweat again, but only slightly. He felt
hot, in this sun, but it was starting to get lower in the sky, and the cool
stone beneath him was a relief he could notice now that he was no longer
dying of thirst.

"I might suggest that we take care of that methanol you now have in your
system with the next request," continued the snake. "I can guess why you
drank it, but I'm not sure how much you drank, or how much methanol was left
in the wiper fluid. That stuff is nasty. It'll make you go blind in a day or
two, if you drank enough of it."

"Ummm, n-next request?" said the man. He put his hand back on his hurting
shoulder and backed away from the snake a little.

"That's the way it works. If you like, that is," explained the snake. "You
get three requests. Call them wishes, if you wish." The snake grinned at his
own joke, and the man drew back a little further from the show of fangs.

"But there are rules," the snake continued. "The first request is free. The
second requires an agreement of secrecy. The third requires the binding of
responsibility." The snake looks at the man seriously.

"By the way," the snake says suddenly, "my name is Nathan. Old Nathan,
Samuel used to call me. He gave me the name. Before that, most of the Bound
used to just call me 'Snake'. But that got old, and Samuel wouldn't stand
for it. He said that anything that could talk needed a name. He was big into
names. You can call me Nate, if you wish." Again, the snake grinned. "Sorry
if I don't offer to shake, but I think you can understand - my shake sounds
somewhat threatening." The snake give his rattle a little shake.

"Umm, my name is Jack," said the man, trying to absorb all of this. "Jack
Samson.

"Can I ask you a question?" Jack says suddenly. "What happened to the
poison...umm, in your bite. Why aren't I dying now? How did you do that?
What do you mean by that's how you work?"

"That's more than one question," grins Nate. "But I'll still try to answer
all of them. First, yes, you can ask me a question." The snake's grin gets
wider. "Second, the poison is in you. It changed you. You now no longer need
to drink. That's what you asked for. Or, well, technically, you asked to not
be thirsty any more - but 'any more' is such a vague term. I decided to make
it permanent - now, as long as you live, you shouldn't need to drink much at
all. Your body will conserve water very efficiently. You should be able to
get enough just from the food you eat - much like a creature of the desert.
You've been changed.

"For the third question," Nate continues, "you are still dying. Besides the
effects of that methanol in your system, you're a man - and men are mortal.
In your current state, I give you no more than about another 50 years.
Assuming you get out of this desert, alive, that is." Nate seemed vastly
amused at his own humor, and continued his wide grin.

"As for the fourth question," Nate said, looking more serious as far as Jack
could tell, as Jack was just now working on his ability to read
talking-snake emotions from snake facial features, "first you have to agree
to make a second request and become bound by the secrecy, or I can't tell
you."

"Wait," joked Jack, "isn't this where you say you could tell me, but you'd
have to kill me?"

"I thought that was implied." Nate continued to look serious.

"Ummm...yeah." Jack leaned back a little as he remembered again that he was
talking to a fifteen foot poisonous reptile with a reputation for having a
nasty temper. "So, what is this 'Bound by Secrecy' stuff, and can you really
stop the effects of the methanol?" Jack thought for a second. "And, what do
you mean methanol, anyway? I thought these days they use ethanol in wiper
fluid, and just denature it?"

"They may, I don't really know," said Nate. "I haven't gotten out in a
while. Maybe they do. All I know is that I smell methanol on your breath and
on that bottle in your pocket. And the blue color of the liquid when you
pulled it out to drink some let me guess that it was wiper fluid. I assume
that they still color wiper fluid blue?"

"Yeah, they do," said Jack.

"I figured," replied Nate. "As for being bound by secrecy - with the
fulfillment of your next request, you will be bound to say nothing about me,
this place, or any of the information I will tell you after that, when you
decide to go back out to your kind. You won't be allowed to talk about me,
write about me, use sign language, charades, or even act in a way that will
lead someone to guess correctly about me. You'll be bound to secrecy. Of
course, I'll also ask you to promise not to give me away, and as I'm
guessing that you're a man of your word, you'll never test the binding
anyway, so you won't notice." Nate said the last part with utter confidence.

Jack, who had always prided himself on being a man of his word, felt a
little nervous at this. "Ummm, hey, Nate, who are you? How did you know
that? Are you, umm, omniscient, or something?"

Well, Jack," said Nate sadly, "I can't tell you that, unless you make the
second request." Nate looked away for a minute, then looked back.

"Umm, well, ok," said Jack, "what is this about a second request? What can I
ask for? Are you allowed to tell me that?"

"Sure!" said Nate, brightening. "You're allowed to ask for changes. Changes
to yourself. They're like wishes, but they can only affect you. Oh, and
before you ask, I can't give you immortality. Or omniscience. Or
omnipresence, for that matter. Though I might be able to make you gaseous
and yet remain alive, and then you could spread through the atmosphere and
sort of be omnipresent. But what good would that be - you still wouldn't be
omniscient and thus still could only focus on one thing at a time. Not very
useful, at least in my opinion." Nate stopped when he realized that Jack was
staring at him.

"Well, anyway," continued Nate, "I'd probably suggest giving you permanent
good health. It would negate the methanol now in your system, you'd be
immune to most poisons and diseases, and you'd tend to live a very long
time, barring accident, of course. And you'll even have a tendency to
recover from accidents well. It always seemed like a good choice for a
request to me."

"Cure the methanol poisoning, huh?" said Jack. "And keep me healthy for a
long time? Hmmm. It doesn't sound bad at that. And it has to be a request
about a change to me? I can't ask to be rich, right? Because that's not
really a change to me?"

"Right," nodded Nate.

"Could I ask to be a genius and permanently healthy?" Jack asked, hopefully.

"That takes two requests, Jack."

"Yeah, I figured so," said Jack. "But I could ask to be a genius? I could
become the smartest scientist in the world? Or the best athlete?"

"Well, I could make you very smart," admitted Nate, "but that wouldn't
necessarily make you the best scientist in the world. Or, I could make you
very athletic, but it wouldn't necessarily make you the best athlete either.
You've heard the saying that 99% of genius is hard work? Well, there's some
truth to that. I can give you the talent, but I can't make you work hard. It
all depends on what you decide to do with it."

"Hmmm," said Jack. "Ok, I think I understand. And I get a third request,
after this one?"

"Maybe," said Nate, "it depends on what you decide then. There are more
rules for the third request that I can only tell you about after the second
request. You know how it goes." Nate looked like he'd shrug, if he had
shoulders.

"Ok, well, since I'd rather not be blind in a day or two, and permanent
health doesn't sound bad, then consider that my second request. Officially.
Do I need to sign in blood or something?"

"No," said Nate. "Just hold out your hand. Or heel." Nate grinned. "Or
whatever part you want me to bite. I have to bite you again. Like I said,
that's how it works - the poison, you know," Nate said apologetically.

Jack winced a little and felt his shoulder, where the last bite was. Hey, it
didn't hurt any more. Just like Nate had said. That made Jack feel better
about the biting business. But still, standing still while a fifteen foot
snake sunk it's fangs into you. Jack stood up. Ignoring how good it felt to
be able to stand again, and the hunger starting to gnaw at his stomach, Jack
tried to decide where he wanted to get bitten. Despite knowing that it
wouldn't hurt for long, Jack knew that this wasn't going to be easy.

"Hey, Jack," Nate suddenly said, looking past Jack towards the dunes behind
him, "is that someone else coming up over there?"

Jack spun around and looked. Who else could be out here in the middle of
nowhere? And did they bring food?

Wait a minute, there was nobody over there. What was Nate...

Jack let out a bellow as he felt two fangs sink into his rear end, through
his jeans...

Jack sat down carefully, favoring his more tender buttock. "I would have
decided, eventually, Nate. I was just thinking about it. You didn't have to
hoodwink me like that."

"I've been doing this a long time, Jack," said Nate, confidently. "You
humans have a hard time sitting still and letting a snake bite you -
especially one my size. And besides, admit it - it's only been a couple of
minutes and it already doesn't hurt any more, does it? That's because of the
health benefit with this one. I told you that you'd heal quickly now."

"Yeah, well, still," said Jack, "it's the principle of the thing. And nobody
likes being bitten in the butt! Couldn't you have gotten my calf or
something instead?"

"More meat in the typical human butt," replied Nate. "And less chance you
accidentally kick me or move at the last second."

"Yeah, right. So, tell me all of these wonderful secrets that I now qualify
to hear," answered Jack.

"Ok," said Nate. "Do you want to ask questions first, or do you want me to
just start talking?"

"Just talk," said Jack. "I'll sit here and try to not think about food."

"We could go try to rustle up some food for you first, if you like,"
answered Nate.

"Hey! You didn't tell me you had food around here, Nate!" Jack jumped up.
"What do we have? Am I in walking distance to town? Or can you magically
whip up food along with your other powers?" Jack was almost shouting with
excitement. His stomach had been growling for hours.

"I was thinking more like I could flush something out of its hole and bite
it for you, and you could skin it and eat it. Assuming you have a knife,
that is," replied Nate, with the grin that Jack was starting to get used to.

"Ugh," said Jack, sitting back down. "I think I'll pass. I can last a little
longer before I get desperate enough to eat desert rat, or whatever else it
is you find out here. And there's nothing to burn - I'd have to eat it raw.
No thanks. Just talk."

"Ok," replied Nate, still grinning. "But I'd better hurry, before you start
looking at me as food.

Nate reared back a little, looked around for a second, and then continued.
"You, Jack, are sitting in the middle of the Garden of Eden."

Jack looked around at the sand and dunes and then looked back at Nate
sceptically.

"Well, that's the best I can figure it, anyway, Jack," said Nate. "Stand up
and look at the symbol on the rock here." Nate gestured around the dark
stone they were both sitting on with his nose.

Jack stood up and looked. Carved into the stone in a bas-relief was a
representation of a large tree. The angled-pole that Nate was wrapped around
was coming out of the trunk of the tree, right below where the main branches
left the truck to reach out across the stone. It was very well done - it
looked more like a tree had been reduced to almost two dimensions and
embedded in the stone than it did like a carving.

Jack walked around and looked at the details in the fading light of the
setting sun. He wished he'd looked at it while the sun was higher in the
sky.

Wait! The sun was setting! That meant he was going to have to spend another
night out here! Arrrgh!

Jack looked out across the desert for a little bit, and then came back and
stood next to Nate. "In all the excitement, I almost forgot, Nate," said
Jack. "Which way is it back to town? And how far? I'm eventually going to
have to head back - I'm not sure I'll be able to survive by eating raw
desert critters for long. And even if I can, I'm not sure I'll want to."

"It's about 30 miles that way." Nate pointed, with the rattle on his tail
this time. As far as Jack could tell, it was a direction at right angles to
the way he'd been going when he was crawling here. "But that's 30 miles by
the way the crow flies. It's about 40 by the way a man walks. You should be
able to do it in about half a day with your improved endurance, if you head
out early tomorrow, Jack."

Jack looked out the way the snake had pointed for a few seconds more, and
then sat back down. It was getting dark. Not much he could do about heading
out right now. And besides, Nate was just about to get to the interesting
stuff. "Garden of Eden? As best as you can figure it?"

"Well, yeah, as best as I and Samuel could figure it anyway," said Nate. "He
figured that the story just got a little mixed up. You know, snake, in a
'tree', offering 'temptations', making bargains. That kind stuff. But he
could never quite figure out how the Hebrews found out about this spot from
across the ocean. He worried about that for a while."

"Garden of Eden, hunh?" said Jack. "How long have you been here, Nate?"

"No idea, really," replied Nate. "A long time. It never occurred to me to
count years, until recently, and by then, of course, it was too late. But I
do remember when this whole place was green, so I figure it's been thousands
of years, at least."

"So, are you the snake that tempted Eve?" said Jack.

"Beats me," said Nate. "Maybe. I can't remember if the first one of your
kind that I talked to was female or not, and I never got a name, but it
could have been. And I suppose she could have considered my offer to grant
requests a 'temptation', though I've rarely had refusals."

"Well, umm, how did you get here then? And why is that white pole stuck out
of the stone there?" asked Jack.

"Dad left me here. Or, I assume it was my dad. It was another snake - much
bigger than I was back then. I remember talking to him, but I don't remember
if it was in a language, or just kind of understanding what he wanted. But
one day, he brought me to this stone, told me about it, and asked me to do
something for him. I talked it over with him for a while, then agreed. I've
been here ever since.

"What is this place?" said Jack. "And what did he ask you to do?"

"Well, you see this pole here, sticking out of the stone?" Nate loosened his
coils around the tilted white pole and showed Jack where it descended into
the stone. The pole was tilted at about a 45 degree angle and seemed to
enter the stone in an eighteen inch slot cut into the stone. Jack leaned
over and looked. The slot was dark and the pole went down into it as far as
Jack could see in the dim light. Jack reached out to touch the pole, but
Nate was suddenly there in the way.

"You can't touch that yet, Jack," said Nate.

"Why not?" asked Jack.

"I haven't explained it to you yet," replied Nate.

"Well, it kinda looks like a lever or something," said Jack. "You'd push it
that way, and it would move in the slot."

"Yep, that's what it is," replied Nate.

"What does it do?" asked Jack. "End the world?"

"Oh, no," said Nate. "Nothing that drastic. It just ends humanity. I call it
'The Lever of Doom'." For the last few words Nate had used a deeper, ringing
voice. He tried to look serious for a few seconds, and then gave up and
grinned.

Jack was initially startled by Nate's pronouncement, but when Nate grinned
Jack laughed. "Ha! You almost had me fooled for a second there. What does it
really do?"

"Oh, it really ends humanity, like I said," smirked Nate. "I just thought
the voice I used was funny, didn't you?"

Nate continued to grin.

"A lever to end humanity?" asked Jack. "What in the world is that for? Why
would anyone need to end humanity?"

"Well," replied Nate, "I get the idea that maybe humanity was an experiment.
Or maybe the Big Guy just thought, that if humanity started going really
bad, there should be a way to end it. I'm not really sure. All I know are
the rules, and the guesses that Samuel and I had about why it's here. I
didn't think to ask back when I started here."

"Rules? What rules?" asked Jack.

"The rules are that I can't tell anybody about it or let them touch it
unless they agree to be bound to secrecy by a bite. And that only one human
can be bound in that way at a time. That's it." explained Nate.

Jack looked somewhat shocked. "You mean that I could pull the lever now?
You'd let me end humanity?"

"Yep," replied Nate, "if you want to." Nate looked at Jack carefully. "Do
you want to, Jack?"

"Umm, no." said Jack, stepping a little further back from the lever. "Why in
the world would anyone want to end humanity? It'd take a psychotic to want
that! Or worse, a suicidal psychotic, because it would kill him too,
wouldn't it?"

"Yep," replied Nate, "being as he'd be human too."

"Has anyone ever seriously considered it?" asked Nate. "Any of those bound
to secrecy, that is?"

"Well, of course, I think they've all seriously considered it at one time or
another. Being given that kind of responsibility makes you sit down and
think, or so I'm told. Samuel considered it several times. He'd often get
disgusted with humanity, come out here, and just hold the lever for a while.
But he never pulled it. Or you wouldn't be here." Nate grinned some more.

Jack sat down, well back from the lever. He looked thoughtful and puzzled at
the same time. After a bit, he said, "So this makes me the Judge of
humanity? I get to decide whether they keep going or just end? Me?"

"That seems to be it," agreed Nate.

"What kind of criteria do I use to decide?" said Jack. "How do I make this
decision? Am I supposed to decide if they're good? Or too many of them are
bad? Or that they're going the wrong way? Is there a set of rules for that?"

"Nope," replied Nate. "You pretty much just have to decide on your own. It's
up to you, however you want to decide it. I guess that you're just supposed
to know."

"But what if I get mad at someone? Or some girl dumps me and I feel
horrible? Couldn't I make a mistake? How do I know that I won't screw up?"
protested Jack.

Nate gave his kind of snake-like shrug again. "You don't. You just have to
try your best, Jack."

Jack sat there for a while, staring off into the desert that was rapidly
getting dark, chewing on a fingernail.

Suddenly, Jack turned around and looked at the snake. "Nate, was Samuel the
one bound to this before me?"

"Yep," replied Nate. "He was a good guy. Talked to me a lot. Taught me to
read and brought me books. I think I still have a good pile of them buried
in the sand around here somewhere. I still miss him. He died a few months
ago."

"Sounds like a good guy," agreed Jack. "How did he handle this, when you
first told him. What did he do?"

"Well," said Nate, "he sat down for a while, thought about it for a bit, and
then asked me some questions, much like you're doing."

"What did he ask you, if you're allowed to tell me?" asked Jack.

"He asked me about the third request," replied Nate.

"Aha!" It was Jack's turn to grin. "And what did you tell him?"

"I told him the rules for the third request. That to get the third request
you have to agree to this whole thing. That if it ever comes to the point
that you really think that humanity should be ended, that you'll come here
and end it. You won't avoid it, and you won't wimp out." Nate looked serious
again. "And you'll be bound to do it too, Jack."

"Hmmm." Jack looked back out into the darkness for a while.

Nate watched him, waiting.

"Nate," continued Jack, quietly, eventually. "What did Samuel ask for with
his third request?"

Nate sounded like he was grinning again as he replied, also quietly,
"Wisdom, Jack. He asked for wisdom. As much as I could give him."

"Ok," said Jack, suddenly, standing up and facing away from Nate, "give it
to me.

Nate looked at Jack's backside. "Give you what, Jack?"

"Give me that wisdom. The same stuff that Samuel asked for. If it helped
him, maybe it'll help me too." Jack turned his head to look back over his
shoulder at Nate. "It did help him, right?"

"He said it did," replied Nate. "But he seemed a little quieter afterward.
Like he had a lot to think about."

"Well, yeah, I can see that," said Jack. "So, give it to me." Jack turned to
face away from Nate again, bent over slightly and tensed up.

Nate watched Jack tense up with a little exasperation. If he bit Jack now,
Jack would likely jump out of his skin and maybe hurt them both.

"You remember that you'll be bound to destroy humanity if it ever looks like
it needs it, right Jack?" asked Nate, shifting position.

"Yeah, yeah, I got that," replied Jack, eyes squeezed tightly shut and body
tense, not noticing the change in direction of Nate's voice.

"And," continued Nate, from his new position, "do you remember that you'll
turn bright purple, and grow big horns and extra eyes?"

"Yeah, yeah...Hey, wait a minute!" said Jack, opening his eyes,
straightening up and turning around. "Purple?!" He didn't see Nate there.
With the moonlight Jack could see that the lever extended up from its slot
in the rock without the snake wrapped around it.

Jack heard, from behind him, Nate's "Just Kidding!" right before he felt the
now familiar piercing pain, this time in the other buttock.

Jack sat on the edge of the dark stone in the rapidly cooling air, his feet
extending out into the sand. He stared out into the darkness, listening to
the wind stir the sand, occasionally rubbing his butt where he'd been
recently bitten.

Nate had left for a little while, had come back with a desert-rodent-shaped
bulge somewhere in his middle, and was now wrapped back around the lever,
his tongue flicking out into the desert night's air the only sign that he
was still awake.

Occasionally Jack, with his toes absentmindedly digging in the sand while he
thought, would ask Nate a question without turning around.

"Nate, do accidents count?"

Nate lifted his head a little bit. "What do you mean, Jack?"

Jack tilted his head back like he was looking at the stars. "You know,
accidents. If I accidentally fall on the lever, without meaning to, does
that still wipe out humanity?"

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure it does, Jack. I'd suggest you be careful about that
if you start feeling wobbly," said Nate with some amusement.

A little later - "Does it have to be me that pulls the lever?" asked Jack.

"That's the rule, Jack. Nobody else can pull it," answered Nate.

"No," Jack shook his head, "I meant does it have to be my hand? Could I pull
the lever with a rope tied around it? Or push it with a stick? Or throw a
rock?"

"Yes, those should work," replied Nate. "Though I'm not sure how complicated
you could get. Samuel thought about trying to build some kind of remote
control for it once, but gave it up. Everything he'd build would be gone by
the next sunrise, if it was touching the stone, or over it. I told him that
in the past others that had been bound had tried to bury the lever so they
wouldn't be tempted to pull it, but every time the stones or sand or
whatever had disappeared."

"Wow," said Jack, "Cool." Jack leaned back until only his elbows kept him
off of the stone and looked up into the sky.

"Nate, how long did Samuel live? One of his wishes was for health too,
right?" asked Jack.

"Yes," replied Nate, "it was. He lived 167 years, Jack."

"Wow, 167 years. That's almost 140 more years I'll live if I live as long.
Do you know what he died of, Nate?"

"He died of getting tired of living, Jack," Nate said, sounding somewhat
sad.

Jack turned his head to look at Nate in the starlight.

Nate looked back. "Samuel knew he wasn't going to be able to stay in
society. He figured that they'd eventually see him still alive and start
questioning it, so he decided that he'd have to disappear after a while. He
faked his death once, but changed his mind - he decided it was too early and
he could stay for a little longer. He wasn't very fond of mankind, but he
liked the attention. Most of the time, anyway.

"His daughter and then his wife dying almost did him in though. He didn't
stay in society much longer after that. He eventually came out here to spend
time talking to me and thinking about pulling the lever. A few months ago he
told me he'd had enough. It was his time."

"And then he just died?" asked Jack.

Nate shook his head a little. "He made his forth request, Jack. There's only
one thing you can ask for the fourth request. The last bite.

After a bit Nate continued, "He told me that he was tired, that it was his
time. He reassured me that someone new would show up soon, like they always
had.

After another pause, Nate finished, "Samuel's body disappeared off the stone
with the sunrise."

Jack lay back down and looked at the sky, leaving Nate alone with his
memories. It was a long time until Jack's breathing evened out into sleep.

Jack woke with the sunrise the next morning. He was a little chilled with
the morning desert air, but overall was feeling pretty good. Well, except
that his stomach was grumbling and he wasn't willing to eat raw desert rat.

So, after getting directions to town from Nate, making sure he knew how to
get back, and reassuring Nate that he'd be back soon, Jack started the long
walk back to town. With his new health and Nate's good directions, he made
it back easily.

Jack caught a bus back to the city, and showed up for work the next day,
little worse for the wear and with a story about getting lost in the desert
and walking back out. Within a couple of days Jack had talked a friend with
a tow truck into going back out into the desert with him to fetch the SUV.
They found it after a couple of hours of searching and towed it back without
incident. Jack was careful not to even look in the direction of Nate's
lever, though their path back didn't come within sight of it.

Before the next weekend, Jack had gone to a couple of stores, including a
book store, and had gotten his SUV back from the mechanic, with a warning to
avoid any more joyriding in the desert. On Saturday, Jack headed back to see
Nate.

Jack parked a little way out of the small town near Nate, loaded up his new
backpack with camping gear and the things he was bringing for Nate, and then
started walking. He figured that walking would leave the least trail, and he
knew that while not many people camped in the desert, it wasn't unheard of,
and shouldn't really raise suspicions.

Jack had brought more books for Nate - recent books, magazines, newspapers.
Some things that would catch Nate up with what was happening in the world,
others that were just good books to read. He spent the weekend with Nate,
and then headed out again, telling Nate that he'd be back again soon, but
that he had things to do first.

Over four months later Jack was back to see Nate again. This time he brought
a laptop with him - a specially modified laptop. It had a solar recharger,
special filters and seals to keep out the sand, a satellite link-up, and a
special keyboard and joystick that Jack hoped that a fifteen-foot
rattlesnake would be able to use. And, it had been hacked to not give out
its location to the satellite.

After that Jack could e-mail Nate to keep in touch, but still visited him
fairly regularly - at least once or twice a year.

After the first year, Jack quit his job. For some reason, with the wisdom he
'd been given, and the knowledge that he could live for over 150 years,
working in a nine to five job for someone else didn't seem that worthwhile
any more. Jack went back to school.

Eventually, Jack started writing. Perhaps because of the wisdom, or perhaps
because of his new perspective, he wrote well. People liked what he wrote,
and he became well known for it. After a time, Jack bought an RV and started
traveling around the country for book signings and readings.

But, he still remembered to drop by and visit Nate occasionally.

On one of the visits Nate seemed quieter than usual. Not that Nate had been
a fountain of joy lately. Jack's best guess was that Nate was still missing
Samuel, and though Jack had tried, he still hadn't been able to replace
Samuel in Nate's eyes. Nate had been getting quieter each visit. But on this
visit Nate didn't even speak when Jack walked up to the lever. He nodded at
Jack, and then went back to staring into the desert. Jack, respecting Nate's
silence, sat down and waited.

After a few minutes, Nate spoke. "Jack, I have someone to introduce you to."

Jack looked surprised. "Someone to introduce me to?" Jack looked around, and
then looked carefully back at Nate. "This something to do with the Big Guy?

"No, no," replied Nate. "This is more personal. I want you to meet my son."
Nate looked over at the nearest sand dune. "Sammy!"

Jack watched as a four foot long desert rattlesnake crawled from behind the
dune and up to the stone base of the lever.

"Yo, Jack," said the new, much smaller snake.

"Yo, Sammy" replied Jack. Jack looked at Nate. "Named after Samuel, I
assume?"

Nate nodded. "Jack, I've got a favor to ask you. Could you show Sammy around
for me?" Nate unwrapped himself from the lever and slithered over to the
edge of the stone and looked across the sands. "When Samuel first told me
about the world, and brought me books and pictures, I wished that I could go
see it. I wanted to see the great forests, the canyons, the cities, even the
other deserts, to see if they felt and smelled the same. I want my son to
have that chance - to see the world. Before he becomes bound here like I
have been.

"He's seen it in pictures, over the computer that you brought me. But I hear
that it's not the same. That being there is different. I want him to have
that. Think you can do that for me, Jack?"

Jack nodded. This was obviously very important to Nate, so Jack didn't even
joke about taking a talking rattlesnake out to see the world. "Yeah, I can
do that for you, Nate. Is that all you need?" Jack could sense that was
something more.

Nate looked at Sammy. Sammy looked back at Nate for a second and then said,
"Oh, yeah. Ummm, I've gotta go pack. Back in a little bit Jack. Nice to meet
ya!" Sammy slithered back over the dune and out of sight.

Nate watched Sammy disappear and then looked back at Jack. "Jack, this is my
first son. My first offspring through all the years. You don't even want to
know what it took for me to find a mate." Nate grinned to himself. "But
anyway, I had a son for a reason. I'm tired. I'm ready for it to be over. I
needed a replacement."

Jack considered this for a minute. "So, you're ready to come see the world,
and you wanted him to watch the lever while you were gone?"

Nate shook his head. "No, Jack - you're a better guesser than that. You've
already figured out - I'm bound here - there's only one way for me to leave
here. And I'm ready. It's my time to die."

Jack looked more closely at Nate. He could tell Nate had thought about
this - probably for quite a while. Jack had trouble imagining what it would
be like to be as old as Nate, but Jack could already tell that in another
hundred or two hundred years, he might be getting tired of life himself.
Jack could understand Samuel's decision, and now Nate's. So, all Jack said
was, "What do you want me to do?"

Nate nodded. "Thanks, Jack. I only want two things. One - show Sammy around
the world - let him get his fill of it, until he's ready to come back here
and take over. Two - give me the fourth request.

"I can't just decide to die, not any more than you can. I won't even die of
old age like you eventually will, even though it'll be a long time from now.
I need to be killed. Once Sammy is back here, ready to take over, I'll be
able to die. And I need you to kill me.

"I've even thought about how. Poisons and other drugs won't work on me. And
I've seen pictures of snakes that were shot - some of them live for days, so
that's out too. So, I want you to bring back a sword.

Nate turned away to look back to the dune that Sammy had gone behind. "I'd
say an axe, but that's somewhat undignified - putting my head on the ground
or a chopping block like that. No, I like a sword. A time-honored way of
going out. A dignified way to die. And, most importantly, it should work,
even on me.

"You willing to do that for me, Jack?" Nate turned back to look at Jack.

"Yeah, Nate," replied Jack solemnly, "I think I can handle that."

Nate nodded. "Good!" He turned back toward the dune and shouted, "Sammy!
Jack's about ready to leave!" Then quietly, "Thanks, Jack."

Jack didn't have anything to say to that, so he waited for Sammy to make it
back to the lever, nodded to him, nodded a final time to Nate, and then
headed into the desert with Sammy following.
Over the next several years Sammy and Jack kept in touch with Nate through
e-mail as they went about their adventures. They made a goal of visiting
every country in the world, and did a respectable job of it. Sammy had a
natural gift for languages, as Jack expected he would, and even ended up
acting as a translator for Jack in a few of the countries. Jack managed to
keep the talking rattlesnake hidden, even so, and by the time they were
nearing the end of their tour of countries, Sammy had only been spotted a
few times. While there were several people that had seen enough to startle
them greatly, nobody had enough evidence to prove anything, and while a few
wild rumors and storied followed Jack and Sammy around, nothing ever hit the
newspapers or the public in general.

When they finished the tour of countries, Jack suggested that they try some
undersea diving. They did. And spelunking. They did that too. Sammy finally
drew the line at visiting Antarctica. He'd come to realize that Jack was
stalling. After talking to his Dad about it over e-mail, he figured out that
Jack probably didn't want to have to kill Nate. Nate told Sammy that humans
could be squeamish about killing friends and acquaintances.

So, Sammy eventually put his tail down (as he didn't have a foot) and told
Jack that it was time - he was ready to go back and take up his duties from
his dad. Jack, delayed it a little more by insisting that they go back to
Japan and buy an appropriate sword. He even stretched it a little more by
getting lessons in how to use the sword. But, eventually, he'd learned as
much as he was likely to without dedicating his life to it, and was
definitely competent enough to take the head off of a snake. It was time to
head back and see Nate.

When they got back to the US, Jack got the old RV out of storage where he
and Sammy had left it after their tour of the fifty states, he loaded up
Sammy and the sword, and they headed for the desert.

When they got to the small town that Jack had been trying to find those
years ago when he'd met Nate, Jack was in a funk. He didn't really feel like
walking all of the way out there. Not only that, but he'd forgotten to
figure the travel time correctly, and it was late afternoon. They'd either
have to spend the night in town and walk out tomorrow, or walk in the dark.

As Jack was afraid that if he waited one more night he might lose his
resolve, he decided that he'd go ahead and drive the RV out there. It was
only going to be this once, and Jack would go back and cover the tracks
afterward. They ought to be able to make it out there by nightfall if they
drove, and then they could get it over tonight.

Jack told Sammy to e-mail Nate that they were coming as he drove out of
sight of the town on the road. They then pulled off the road and headed out
into the desert.

Everything went well, until they got to the sand dunes. Jack had been
nursing the RV along the whole time, over the rocks, through the creek beds,
revving the engine the few times they almost got stuck. When they came to
the dunes, Jack didn't really think about it, he just downshifted and headed
up the first one. By the third dune, Jack started to regret that he'd
decided to try driving on the sand. The RV was fishtailling and losing
traction. Jack was having to work it up each dune slowly and was trying to
keep from losing control each time they came over the top and slid down the
other side. Sammy had come up to sit in the passenger seat, coiled up and
laughing at Jack's driving.

As they came over the top of the fourth dune, the biggest one yet, Jack saw
that this was the final dune - the stone, the lever, and somewhere Nate,
waited below. Jack put on the brakes, but he'd gone a little too far. The RV
started slipping down the other side.

Jack tried turning the wheel, but he didn't have enough traction. He pumped
the brakes - no response. They started sliding down the hill, faster and
faster.

Jack felt a shock go through him as he suddenly realized that they were
heading for the lever. He looked down - the RV was directly on course for
it. If Jack didn't do something, the RV would hit it. He was about to end
humanity.

Jack steered more frantically, trying to get traction. It still wasn't
working. The dune was too steep, and the sand too loose. In a split second,
Jack realized that his only chance would be once he hit the stone around the
lever - he should have traction on the stone for just a second before he hit
the lever - he wouldn't have time to stop, but he should be able to steer
away.

Jack took a better grip on the steering wheel and tried to turn the RV a
little bit - every little bit would help. He'd have to time his turn just
right.

The RV got to the bottom of the dune, sliding at an amazing speed in the
sand. Just before they reached the stone Jack looked across it to check that
they were still heading for the lever. They were. But Jack noticed something
else that he hadn't seen from the top of the dune. Nate wasn't wrapped
around the lever. He was off to the side of the lever, but still on the
stone, waiting for them. The problem was, he was waiting on the same side of
the lever that Jack had picked to steer towards to avoid the lever. The RV
was already starting to drift that way a little in its mad rush across the
sand and there was no way that Jack was going to be able to go around the
lever to the other side.

Jack had an instant of realization. He was either going to have to hit the
lever, or run over Nate. He glanced over at Sammy and saw that Sammy
realized the same thing.

Jack took a firmer grip on the steering wheel as the RV ran up on the stone.
Shouting to Sammy as he pulled the steering wheel, "BETTER NATE THAN LEVER,"
he ran over the snake.

[Wisdom's Mountain]

Where on earth did you hear that? Oh man, I was expecting a huge punchline and all I get is that? I guess the joke is that the listener sat through the entire joke.

[the-caitiff]

Oh man, I was expecting a huge punchline and all I get is that? I guess the joke is that the listener sat through the entire joke.That's classic storytelling at its finest. Yes, the joke could have been told ALOT easier. But be honest, at any point in the story did you really want to turn away or give up on it? Thats the difference between a good story teller and a great one. I can think up a plot and write/tell a story that's interesting (you are free to disagree but it's not really germane to the point), but it takes something special to keep the readers/listeners captivated.

Once I started that joke, I just had to finish it.

00000

A Texas gentleman asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an attractive woman.

The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the gentleman seated over there," indicating the sender.

She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at the man, and decided to send a reply note to the man. The waiter, who was lingering for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read:

"For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."

After reading the note, the Texan decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to return this to the woman.

It read:

"For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600, a Porsche Turbo, Toyota Prius and Matrix, in my garage, beautiful homes in Aspen, Colorado and Miami and a 10,000 acre ranch in Texas . There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account.

But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off.

Just send the bottle back!!!"

00000

During a performance for the high school drama class at the local theatre, a hole was cracked in the stage floor. Subsequent acts managed to avoid the damaged area until little Freddy, juggling bowling pins, accidentally stepped through the hole up to his knee.
He apologized to the audience for his clumsiness. But a heckler in the back of the theatre shouted:

"Don't worry, Freddy! It's just a stage you're going through!"

00000

A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She explained to her mother, "Anthony proposed to me an hour ago." "Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.
"Because he also told me he is an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a Hell!"

Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."

00000

Becky and Sally Ann were doing some carpenter work on a house. Becky who was nailing down siding would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.
Sally Ann, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"

Becky explained, "When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away."

Sally Ann got completely upset and yelled, "You moron! Those nails aren't defective!

They're for the other side of the house!."

[Krull]

A very loud, unattractive, fat woman named Ginny walks into a store with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The salesman sees them and says "Good morning and welcome to my store -nice children you've got there -- are they twins?"
Ginny stops screaming long enough to snarl:

"Of course they bloody aren't! The oldest, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7.

Why the hell would you think they're twins?..... Do you really think they look alike, ya knob?"

"Absolutely not," replies the salesman, "I just can't believe anyone would do you twice!

[The Dark Monarch]

I heard this joke and laughed so hard.



A man goes to a cathouse with five dollars. He walks up to the owner and points at a girl inquiring "How much?" The owner says 10 dollars. The guy replies "damn, how much can I get for 5 bucks?" The owner says that he can't get a girl but for five bucks he can fuck a duck. The guy agrees, and goes into a private room to do his bussiness. That same guy comes back the next day with three dollars and asks if he can screw the duck again. The owner says no but he can watch two lesbians screw through a one-way mirror with some other people. He goes into the room and remarks to one of the guys " This is great, I can't believe we only had to pay three bucks. Another guy replies " You should have been here yesterday, we paid five dollars to watch a guy fuck a duck."

[Muttering Condolences]

When the officers of the Army were told that they could retire early with a bonus to their pensions, many of them were thrilled.

The head doctor explain that each officer would choose two places on his body and for every inch in between, the individual would be paid one thousand dollars.

The first officer to accept chose the top of his head to the bottom of his feet, making sure he got a big payday.

The second officer to accept was a little more clever; he stood on his tip toes and reached his hands as high up as he could, and got an extremely generous amount.

The third officer to enter was old and grizzled sea captain.

"I choose from the tip of my penis to my testicles." he said proudly.

The doctors tried to convince him otherwise, but the captain was adamant.

The captain dropped his pants and when the doctor made to measure him, he recoiled in horror. "Your testicles!"

"That's right." grinned the old captain. "Are in Vietnam!"

[CHUCKNORRIS]

So a guy walks into the doctor's office after the doctor had called him urgently telling him to come in.
He ran up to the doctor and asked him what was wrong and the doctor replied "Well i got some bad news and I got some worse news."
"Well whats the bad news," said the man
"Unfortunately you only have 24 hours to live," said the doctor.
"Oh god, well whats the worse news?" the man asked.
"I forgot to call you yesterday."

[Gurukid]

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen.”

The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “That driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”

[Jon]

A Mugglenet member, a GinnyPotter member and a DarkLordPotter member are sitting in a bar.

(next line)

[That Wench]

The Mugglenet member goes to the bar and asks for a diet coke...

(next line) :P

[Xiph0]

Cindy: Cody, did I ever tell you what your mom said about you the day you were born?
Cody: No.
Cindy: I was in the delivery room with her. She was having a hard time. Then you began to come out of her. And your mom screamed and screamed in pain. She yelled, "Just kill me. Bludgeon me with a bedpan. Whatever you do, put me out of this pain." She was gushing torrents of blood. I have this all on tape if you want to see it someday. Well, finally you came out. Your mom cut your umbilical cord herself. Well, on the second try. The first time she snipped your penis in half. After all, she was drunk. Actually, drugged. We'd been out the night before celebrating St. Patrick's Day. And she thought, "Hey, I never tasted crystal meth." So she did just a little.
Cody: My penis?
Cindy: Yes. They sewed it on upside down.
Cody: So that's why I pee up?
Cindy: Yes. We'll get it fixed, honey. It's on my list of things. Right after we get TiVo. Anyway, there you were. Your mom turned to me and she said, "Hey, you want him? Take him." And then she died. And I took you. Do you know why? I'd just lost my cat in a fire, and I needed something to pet and feed. And I miss that cat, Cody. But I love you. And nothing's ever gonna change that, not even the very painful death we're about to experience.

[Jon]

Cindy Campbell: I thought you loved me.
Bobby: Oh, I did, baby, I did. But being in abstinence makes you wonder new things about yourself. That's right Cindy, I'm gay. And in case you haven't noticed, so is Ray.
Ray: What? I ain't gay!
Bobby: What are you talking about? You took me to that club.
Ray: So? They play good music.
Bobby: What about our trip to San Francisco?
Ray: I wanted to go shopping.
Bobby: [on the verge of tears] But... you made love to me.
Ray: First of all, you sucked my...
Bobby: Whatever!Scary Movie wtf.

[Xiph0]

George: Now everybody in the 202, throw your hands in the air 'cause Fat Joe is through / Now everybody in the 202, throw 'em up! Check it out / I'm a white boy, but my neck is red / I put Miracle Whip on my Wonder Bread / My face is pale, nah, I've never been in jail / Me and Buffy spend every winter at Vail / How many bitches have I slapped? Zero. Unh! / And Martha Stewart happens to be my hero / I grew up on a farm and I was born with no rhythm / Dr. Phil's my uncle and I like to hang with him / I can't dance / I wear khaki pants / My middle name's Lance / My Grandma's from France / So maybe I'm wack / 'Cause my skin ain't black / But you can't talk smack / 'Cause whitey just struck back

Another one from SM3 :P

[Azrael's Little Helper]

A lion in the London zoo was lazing in the sun and licking its arse when a visitor commented to the zookeeper "thats a rather docile old thing isn't it?"

"God no!" said the zookeeper, "thats the most ferocious beast in the entire zoo. Just an hour ago it dragged an Australian tourist into its cage and devoured him.

"Hardly seems possible" said the astonished tourist. "Why is lying there licking its arse?"

"Poor bugger is trying to get the taste out of its mouth"

___________________________________

An Indian, a Jew and an Aussie were driving a truck at night when the truck's radiator blew. They knocked on a nearby farmer's door and asked for accomodation that night.

"One will have to sleep in the barn" said the farmer
"I will" said the Indian.
But 5 minutes later there was a knock on the door.
"There's an un-sacred cow in the barn" said the Indian
"I'll go then" volunteered the Jew.
5 minutes later there was another knock on the door.
"There's a pig in the barn" said the Jew.
"I'll go then" said the Aussie.
5 minutes later yet another knock on the door. It was the pig and the cow.


Having said these, this thread is just begging for a massive Aristocrats joke. You smut-gods out there should start a competition for the best one.

[Xiph0]

A man's wife was in a coma, she had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her. They tried again and sure enough there was a small recognizable movement. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "crazy as it sounds, maybe a little oral sex will bring her out of the coma". The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart. The nurses ran into the room. "What happened?" they cried. The husband said, "I'm not sure, I think she choked".

From SE.

[afrojack]

What's the difference between a baby and an onion?

No one cries when you chop up the baby.

[carvell]

A group from England spent a weekend gambling one of the men on that trip won £100,000. He didn't want anyone to know about it so he decided not to return with the others, but took a later plane home arriving back at 3am.
He immediately went out the back garden of his house, dug a hole and planted the money in it.
the following morning he walked outside and found only an empty hole.
He noticed footsteps leading from the hole to the house next door which was owned by a deaf mute. On the same street lived a professor who understood sign language and was a friend of the deaf man. Grabbing his gun the enraged man went to awaken the professor and dragged him to the deaf man's house.
'You tell this guy that if he doesn't give me back my £100,000 I'am going to kill him!' he shouted at the professor. The professor gave the message to his friend, and his friend replied in sign language, 'I hid it in my back garden underneath the cherry tree.'
The professor turned to the man with the gun and said, ' He's not going to tell you. He say he'd rather die first.'

[Zoken]

I'm going to get PUN-ished for this...

Two fish are swimming along and hit a concrete wall. one turns to the other and mutters "damn"

~~~~~~~~

a man walks into a bar with a pair of jumper cables around his neck. the bartender looks him up and down and tells him, "okay, I'll serve you, but don't start anything"

~~~~~~~~~~~

A guy goes into a bar and asks for three shots in three seperate glasses. the bartender thinks it's odd, but he does it. the man lines them up in front of him, and drinks them one after the other, slowly, then leaves.

The guy comes back the next day and does the same thing. for a month this guy does this. the bartender eventually says, "You know I can put that all in one glass for you."

the man refuses saying, "No, no. you see, this one," he points to the one on the end. "is mine. and these," he points to the other two, "are for my brothers back in Ireland. We do this the same time every day so... it still feels like we're drinking together."

the bartender nodded and even found this to be a rather poignant way to remember one's family. so over a year goes by and everyday this guy comes in and has his three shots. eventually it gets to a point where the bartender has the shots set up for him when he comes in.

one day the man comes in and the Bartender has the shots for him, but the man says "only two today."

"Two?" asks the bartender. "Did something happen to one of your brothers?"

"What?" asks the man, thrown by the question. "oh, no, no. It's just that I quit drinking."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[Paravon]

The Devil and David Webster

by Chris R. Lunt.

Heaven's donuts are jelly donuts. The blend of texture, from the cool, sweet ooze of the jelly, mined with tiny raspberry seeds, to the firm, spongy cake, so lightly encrusted in a thin glaze of sugar, that cracks and flakes as you gingerly tear off small pieces of delight, is certainly the greatest experience a humble man can afford.

I was eating a jelly donut when he first appeared in my office, smelling slightly of gunpowder. He was tall and gaunt, with deep-set eyes and crooked teeth, long, delicate fingers, and sloped shoulders. He wore a black Ozzy Osborne concert t-shirt, frayed black jeans, and dusty black high-tops, unlaced. He smiled at me in an ugly way. I put down my donut and glanced at my watch. 7:00 PM.

"You're David Webster."

I nodded.

"You're a programmer for Core."

I nodded again. Not only was I a programmer for Core--I was the best damn programmer this group had ever or would ever see. I suppose I should introduce myself. I am David Elijah Webster, master programmer. I'm not just blowing smoke here either. I'm the best damn programmer to come out of MIT since code was constructed one bit at a time. I can do it all: C, LISP, assembly--even the languages no self-respecting programmer would deign to look at. I can do it all in no time flat, with the most elegant of style. Code sprinkled with glistening semicolons and flowing rivers of indentation. Lesser programmers avert their eyes when I enter the room.

"They say you're the best, and I'm here to challenge you."

I sized this guy up again. He had the right shape. The pot-belly, the greasy hair, parted with precision. The fingers. And the funny smell.

I told him I didn't have time.

"I'll make it worth your while," he said. "I have something you might be interested in. Follow me."

I grabbed my box of donuts, and followed him down the hall and into the elevator. He pressed a button and the elevator descended into the basement. I'd never been in the basement before. For that matter, I didn't even recall that the building had a basement. Nonetheless, the elevator chimed, the doors opened, and we stepped out into a wide room that was entirely featureless. That is, except for the fog on the floor and two workstations that were set up, side by side. One of the workstations was mine. The other was a workstation like none other that I had seen before. It was magnificent.

It was matte black. More than an object, it looked like a hole in space. The monitor it sported was the biggest I had ever seen, and the keyboard was a flow of liquid lines, containing a field of keys of different sizes and shapes, packed in like cobblestones. The mouse floated above the table, and had no wire. Next to the computer was a box with a small chute coming out of one side, and a large red button on the top. The monitor was flanked by two gigantic speakers, and I could see a sub-woofer poking up out of the fog. It hummed. It steamed. It was the most beautiful computer I had ever seen.

"You approve," said the stranger.

I swallowed and said, "It is beyond description."

"It's a custom job. And it's yours. If," he said, "If you can beat me in a coding contest."

I looked at him incredulously. "What's in it for you?"

"I will have defeated the greatest coder in the world, and thus, I can claim that title. AND, I get to keep your immortal soul."

He smiled the ugly smile again.

Here was a dilemma. I was dealing with the Devil. There was no doubt about that. And he was no doubt very good. I am somewhat attached to my soul, but oh, the prizes. The glory. I can easily claim to be the best coder in the company, in the Bay Area, probably on the whole planet, but if I pulled this off, I will have shown myself to be the best coder in this entire theology! Vanity got the better part of me.

"What's the contest?" I asked.

I won't bore you with the details, but it was seriously ugly. Ugly in a way that makes the most arrogant of coders cringe and causes managers to pad development schedules into the next century. It had to run in any language, including the nasty chicken-scratch ones. It had to be backward compatible all the way to the ENIAC. And it had to run on Windows. I cringed.

But vanity won. I signed the forms, agreed on a deadline of midnight, and we sat down at our machines and started to code.

My watch said 8:00 PM, and I started warming up. Class definitions flew off my fingertips like throwing stars. Structures and declarations grew like perfect crystals, and I didn't even break a sweat. True to the task, I soon lost myself in an endless cycle of postulate, create, instantiate and verify. Bits grew to bytes, to K, to Megs, and finally to Gigs. By 11:00 PM it had come to that crucial point. With an hour to go, I had to put all the pieces together. It wasn't going to be easy. It was going to take all the concentration I had.

Then I hit the first bug.

At first, I wasn't sure where it was coming from, but then I spotted it. It wasn't mine. It was bug in Windows. Even worse, it was a bug in Windows that stemmed from a timing problem with the system clock itself. I couldn't see a workaround. I was stymied. I genuflected and called Microsoft support.

"Hello, and welcome to the Microsoft help line. Please enter your 64 digit user identification number, followed by your 32 digit password."

While I frantically typed number after number, trying to navigate through layer upon layer of phone menu, I heard him pick up his phone and call a number.

"Hello, is Bill in? ... I don't care, wake him up ... Tell him it's Mr. Black ... Hey Bill, what's shakin'? Listen, I needed to know a workaround to one of your bugs ... Yes, I know what time it is ..... Yes, I know ... Bill ... Bill! You remember our little deal? ..... That's right. Now be a dear and give me that workaround ... Mm-hm ..... Right ... Thank you, Bill. I'll be seeing you."

I was shocked. It was obviously pointless continuing my desperate journey through Microsoft's Help line. I needed immediate genius! I scarfed down a grape jelly. Sugar shock engulfed me, and my vision tunneled. I shuddered once, something clicked, and I determined the answer I needed--I could use the clock on the sound chip to get my timings.

I dove back into the code, and was quickly integrating modules when I hit bug number two. It was even uglier than the first. In fact, it was the ugliest bug I had ever seen. It was a problem with C. With the language itself. There's no way fix a broken hammer using the same hammer.

I wracked my brains. I clenched and grunted and sweated and thought and Thought and THOUGHT, but to no avail. Over my shoulder, I could hear Him chime in, "Bugger, isn't it? I remember putting that one in back when I was working on the Unix kernel. Did you really think there was a Kernighan and Ritchie? Rearrange the letters in their names and you'll discover an interesting anagram."

I ignored him and continued thinking. My mind went deeper and deeper into the problem at hand--my senses dulled, my breathing grew shallow. My eyes rolled back and sweat beaded on my forehead. Clumsily, blindly, my hand pawed it's way to the box on my desk, containing my last jelly donut. It raised slowly to my lips, and I bit.

Pounding waves of sugar induced euphoria washed through my mind. I felt my brain hum and crackle. My hands trembled, my body shuddered, and I began to type. I was a man possessed. Complex topographical math equations formed on my screen. Klien bottles and hypercubes locked neatly into place like pieces of a puzzle. Beyond my control, a complex mathematical world formed in my computer, with additional dimensions unimaginable.

I felt a small pop, and I came to. I looked at my screen. I had worked around the bug.

My watch read 11:45. Frantically I continued putting all the modules into place. Glancing for a moment at my rival, I could see I had him worried. He was typing furiously. Smoke poured from his ears, and flames licked around his collar.

Then I hit the third bug.

It was not so much a bug, it was a limit. I only had 4 Gigabytes of memory, and I had used it all. There wasn't a bit left. I had compressed data to a point so fine that it was in danger of collapsing into a black hole. I was storing memory in every conceivable way, including keeping a chain of sound waves running between the speaker and the microphone. There was no memory left to be had.

Frantic, I reached into my box of donuts, and my heart sank into my stomach when I realized that I had eaten the last one. I glanced at my watch, but it was too late. I was sunk. I had done the best that I could, and I had nothing more to give.

The Devil laughed, and grinning cruelly, he reached over to the box with the chute and the button. Remember the box? Slowly, firmly, his hand pressed the red button, and a jelly donut slid down the chute and onto the table.

My jaw dropped. "What...is...that?" I asked.

He languorously chewed as he replied, "The Box of Eternal Donuts."

"The Box of Eternal Donuts!?"

"Yes," he said.

"It never runs out?"

"Never," he said.

"It's mine if I win?!?!"

"If you can win, it is entirely yours," he replied, grinning cockily. My mind reeled. The Box of Eternal Donuts. The Box of Eternal Donuts! My eyes darted everywhere, my jaw hung slack, and my throat emitted strange animal-like noises. Anything. I would do anything to win! I just needed the smallest amount of memory. But where could I get it from? I glanced at my watch again, and a plan came into my mind. A beautiful, devious plan.

I went quickly upstairs and retrieved the emergency toolkit that we keep in the medicine cabinet. I ripped the case off my computer, and quickly scanned for the right connections. I pulled two wires, and unscrewed the back of my watch. The Devil's eyes widened and he desperately started coding again, but it was too late. I got the last of the memory I needed out of my watch, and pressed the ENTER key seconds before he did.

The watch burst into flames. Sparks flew from the disk drives and the monitor glowed and throbbed, finally melting into a puddle of glass. The computer exploded in a shower of sparks, and then there was absolute silence.

There was a pause, and both of us turned as the printer started, slowly emitting a single sheet that wafted gently into the out bin. I nonchalantly strolled over, and held up to the Devil's scowling face, a sheet imprinted with two words. "Hello World".

Nothing more needs to be told, other than, as I write this, I am sitting in front of my new computer, munching on what is undoubtedly the best jelly donut I have ever eaten.



(c) Copyright Chris Lunt May 1995

[Paravon]

Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?


Plato:

For the greater good.


Karl Marx:

It was a historical inevitability.


Machiavelli:

So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a chicken which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road, but also with fear, for whom among them has the strength to contend with such a paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the princely chicken's dominion maintained.


Hippocrates:

Because of an excess of black bile and a deficiency of choleric humour.


Jacques Derrida:

Any number of contending discourses may be discovered within the act of the chicken crossing the road, and each interpretation is equally valid as the authorial intent can never be discerned, because structuralism is DEAD, DAMMIT, DEAD!


Thomas de Torquemada:

Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.


Timothy Leary:

Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.


Douglas Adams:

Forty-two.


Nietzsche:

Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you.


B.F. Skinner:

Because the external influences which had pervaded its sensorium from birth had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own free will.


Carl Jung:

The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.


Jean-Paul Sartre:

In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.


Ludwig Wittgenstein:

The possibility of "crossing" was encoded into the objects "chicken" and "road", and circumstances came into being which caused the actualization of this potential occurrence.


Albert Einstein:

Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.


Aristotle:

To actualize its potential.


Buddha:

If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature.


David Hume:

Out of custom and habit.


Salvador Dali:

The Fish.


Darwin:

It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.


Emily Dickinson:

Because it could not stop for death.


Epicurus:

For fun.


Ralph Waldo Emerson:

It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.


Johann von Goethe:

The eternal hen-principle made it do it.


Ernest Hemingway:

To die. In the rain.


Werner Heisenberg:

We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast.


Jack Nicholson:

'Cause it (censored) wanted to. That's the (censored) reason.


Pyrrho the Skeptic:

What road?


The Sphinx:

You tell me.


Henry David Thoreau:

To live deliberately ... and suck all the marrow out of life.


Howard Cosell:

It may very well have been one of the most astonishing events to grace the annals of history. An historic, unprecedented avian biped with the temerity to attempt such an herculean achievement formerly relegated to homo sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurence.


Ronald Reagan:

I forget.


Mark Twain:

The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.


Zeno of Elea:

To prove it could never reach the other side.

[jaspernoone]

How do you Scalp a Spastic? Give him a potato Peeler and tell him is a comb

[Andromalius]

Two olives are sitting on a bench. One falls off. The other asks, "Are you okay?" in concern. The one that fell off replies, "Olive."

[Riley Poole]

Thomas de Torquemada:

Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.


That's hilarious, I love it...

My Contribution:
A Canadian Farmer, An American, and a Muslim all meet at a crossroads in which a mysterious genie is sitting in the middle. "I'll grant you three wishes," he says, "and since there are three of you, each one gets one wish." He looks at the Canadian.
"I wish for the fields of Canada to be forever fertile and green" he replied, and POOF so it was. The Muslim went next.
"I wish for the city of Mecca to be surrunded by a wall that is impenetrable and for all infidels to be vanished from it forever, and I want to be it's Leader." he said with enthusiasm, and POOF so it was. Now the American sat down on a rock and thought for a moment. Then he asked the genie a question, "Can you describe this wall for me," he says politely.
"Well, it's so high no planes can fly into it, it's so thick not even a nuke can break it, and no one can go in or out, or under it." The genie replied.



The American smiled, "Fill it with water," he said and laughed

[Paravon]

The Proxy Father

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon".

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning madam. You don't know me, but I've come to...."

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London." "Oh my God!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes," the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, er..,um.., ah.... equipment?"

"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."

"Tripod??" Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam? Madam? Good Lord, she's fainted!!

[Paravon]

The Pregnancy Advice Column

Author unknown


Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather than briefs?

Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear anything at all.


What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant?

Have sex once a year.


What is the most common pregnancy craving?

For men to be the ones who get pregnant.


My blood type is O-positive and my husband's is A-negative. What if my baby is born, say, type AB-positive?

Then the jig is up.


My husband and I are very attractive. I'm sure our baby will be beautiful enough for commercials. Whom should I contact about this?

Your therapist.


I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?

With any luck, right after he finishes college.


How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?

If it's the flu, you'll get better.


My brother tells me that since my husband has a big nose, and genes for big noses are dominant, my baby will have a big nose as well. Is this true?

The odds are greater that your brother will have a fat lip.


Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?

Yes, your bladder.


Ever since I've been pregnant, I haven't been able to go to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving?

Depends on what you're doing with them.


The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?

Cause you're fatter then they are.


My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.

So what's your question?


Will I love my dog less when the baby is born?

No, but your husband might get on your nerves.


Under what circumstances can sex at the end of pregnancy bring on labor?

When the sex is between your husband and another woman.


What's the difference between a nine-months pregnant woman and a Playboy centerfold?

Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.


My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?

Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.


When is the best time to get an epidural?

Right after you find out you're pregnant.


Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?

Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.


I'm modest. Once I'm in the hospital to deliver, who will see me in that delicate position?

Authorized personnel only-doctors, nurses, oderlies, photographers, florists, cleaning crews, journalists, etc.


Does labor cause hemorrhoids?

Labor causes anything you want to blame it for.


Where is the best place to store breast milk?

In your breasts.


Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?

Yes, baby lips.


What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?

It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.


How does one sanitize nipples?

Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.


What are the terrible twos?

Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.


What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?

When you see teeth marks.


What is the grasp reflex?

The reaction of new fathers when they see a new mother's breasts.


Can a mother get pregnant while nursing?

Yes, but it's much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him to sleep first.


What happens to disposable diapers after they're thrown away?

They are stored in a silo in the Midwest, in the event of global chemical warfare.


Do I have to have a baby shower?

Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.


What causes baby blues?

Tanned, hard-bodied bimbos.


What is colic?

A reminder for new parents to use birth control.


What are night terrors?

Frightening episodes in which the new mother dreams she's pregnant again.


Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?

When the kids are in college.

[Paravon]

The Preacher's Ass

A preacher who wanted to raise money for his church was told there was a fortune in horse racing, so he decided to buy a horse and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so steep that the preacher ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured, however, that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, in the first race, his donkey came in second. The next day the paper read:


PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS


The preacher was so pleased that he entered the donkey in another race. This time, it won, and the paper read:


PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT


The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The new headline read:


BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS


This was too much for the Bishop, and he ordered the preacher to get rid of the animal. The preacher, being a charitable chap, gave it to a nun in a nearby convent. The headline the next day said:


NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN


The Bishop fainted! He told the nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey, and she finally found a farmer who would take it off her hands for ten dollars. The paper said:


NUN PEDDLES ASS FOR TEN BUCKS


They buried the Bishop the next day. The following day's paper read:


TOO MUCH ASS RESPONSIBLE FOR BISHOP'S DEATH

[Paravon]

Ismisms - Philosophies explained

Author unknown


Taoism

Shit happens.


Confucianism

Confucius say, shit happens.


Buddhism

If shit happens, it is not really shit.


Zen Buddhism

What is the sound of shit happening?


Hinduism

This shit happened before.


Islam

If shit happens, it is the will of Allah.


Protestantism

Let shit happen to someone else.


Catholicism

If shit happens, then you deserve it.


Judaism

Why does this shit always happen to us?


New Age

Affirm that shit does not happen to me.


Rastafarianism

Let´s roll this shit up and smoke it.


Hare Krishna

She-it happens, She-it happens, happens, happens, she-it, she-it...
(Repeat until you become one with she-it)


7th Day Adventism

Shit happens on Saturdays.


Calvinism

Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.


Episcopalianism

If shit happens, hold a procession.


Lutheranism

Shit happens, but as long as you're sorry, it's OK.


Charismatic Catholicism

Shit is happening because you deserve it, but we love you anyway.


Darwinism

Survival of the shittiest.


Creationism:

And the Lord said "Let there be shit" ... and there came piles of it. After six days of this shit, He rested.


Atheism

I don't believe this shit!


Southern Baptist

Shit will happen. Praise the lord!


Mysticism

This is really weird shit.


Satanism

We hope bad shit happens to all of you.


Witchcraft

Mix this shit together and it will happen!


Shamanism

Whoaa...Holy Shit!


Creation Science

Shit has only been happening since October 23rd 4004 B.C.


Discordianism

Shit makes the flowers grow and that's beautiful.


Kibology

What's shit, and where can I get some?


SubGenius

Shit has happened. For $20 "BoB" will sell you a way to make money from it.

[Aekiel]

WHAT IS THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD?


Well, its shit ... that's right, shit! Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.

You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit.
Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola.

There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits. There is bull shit, horse shit, and chicken shit.
You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan.

You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.

You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.

Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty.

Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.

You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.

You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.

Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like roses.

When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the English language.

And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!!

You could pass this along, if you give a shit; or not do so if you don't give a shit!

Well, Shit, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do give a shit and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of shit. But, if you
happened to catch a load of shit from some shit-head...........

Well, Shit Happens

That's some good shit :p.

Aekiel

[Seratin]

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.
"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over to him and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."
The boy leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."

[Flaylda]

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.
"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over to him and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."
The boy leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."

*snorts loudly* sick.

Il gastro
(this joke contains graphic sex)

An English man was playing golf with his Italian friend. He noticed that the other man was examining the hole into which his golf ball had been plunged seconds ago with an upset expression on his face.

"Il gastro," the Italian man whined sadly. The man thought it was a strange reaction from someone who had just scored, but shrugged it off.

The game ended, and the men parted ways. Our man came back to his home to be greeted by his beautiful and young Italian wife, whom he had just married a night ago. The marriage was set by, say, 'higher-ups', so they didn't really know each other. One of the few things the man had learnt about his wife was that she couldn't speak English.

Later that night, they shagged. The man noticed with vague curiosity that when he was thrusting his organ into his wife's hole, the woman groaned rather painfully, "Il gastro... Il gastro..."

His eyebrows furrowed. Weren't they the same words his friend had said this afternoon? It was too dark to see what caused her apparent displeasure, and he didn't bother to ask, knowing that his wife wouldn't understand. Shrugging it off, he went on thrusting.

And the morning came. The man woke up to meet her wife's... not-so-beautiful face. Somehow, her nose had gotten three times bigger than its size yesterday.

Only when the man went to work and asked his Italian friend about the mystery of the two words did he understand that Il gastro actually meant 'wrong hole'.

-------------------


It isn't all that funny, but it's the only joke I can think about now.

[Seratin]

Whats funnier than a dead baby in a corner?...a dead baby in a corner dressed as a clown.

what goes round and round and knocks on the window?.... a baby in a microwave.

whats the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?........the wheelchair

whats black and sits on top of the stairs?...........cripple after a housefire

whats the difference between a truckload of sand and a truckload of babys?.......... you cant unload a truckload of sand with a pitchfork.

[carvell]

There were two brother's They were rich, and used their money to keep there way's from the public, then there vicar retired, and a new one took over. not only could he could see right though the brother's deception but he spoke well and true and the church started to swell in number's,
a fund-rasing campaign was started to repair the roof. All of a sudden one of the brothers died the remaining brother sought out the vicar the day before the funeral and handed him a cheque to pay for the roof.
"i have only one condition" he said "at his funeral, you must say my brother was a saint" the vicar gave his word, and deposited the cheque.
the next day at the funeral the vicar did not hold back, "he was an evil man" he said "he cheated on his wife and abused his family" after going on for hour he concluded "but compared with his brother he was a saint"

[Seratin]

the $65,000 question
Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show. Lady luck had smiled in her favor, as Jane had a gained a substantial lead over her opponents. She even managed to win the game but, unfortunately, time had run out before the show's host could ask her the big question. Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous as her husband drove them home. "I've just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answer might be! You know I'm not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow."
"Relax honey," her husband, Roger, reassured her, "It will all be OK."
Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started heading out the door. "Where are you going?" Jane asked.
"I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon." After an agonizing three hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin. "Honey, I managed to get tomorrow's question and answer!"
"What is it?" she cried excitedly.
"OK. The question is: What are the three main parts of the male anatomy? And the answer is: The head, the heart, and the penis." The couple went to sleep with Jane, now feeling at ease, plummeting into a deep slumber. At 3:30 a.m., however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her the quiz show question. "The head, the heart, and the penis," Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep. And Roger asked her again in the morning, this time as Jane was brushing her teeth. Once again, Jane replied correctly. So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel butterflies in her stomach. The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience of the previous days' events, faced Jane and asked the big question: "Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy? You have 10 seconds."
"Hmm, uhm, the head?" she said nervously.
"Very good. Six seconds."
"Eh, uh, the heart?"
"Very good! Four seconds."
"I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..."
"That's close enough!" said the game show host, "CONGRATULATIONS--YOU WIN!!"

[MrINBN]

This woman is sitting on a subway train, next to a man reading the newspaper. The man sneezes, pulls down his pants and wipes off his penis with a tissue. The woman is visibly offended, but says nothing about it and goes back to her thoughts. This process happens 3 more times and finally the woman speaks up, "What the hell are you doing?" The man responds, "Every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm." The woman responds, "Oh you poor man. Are you taking anything for it?" The guy says, "Yeah. Pepper."

[KirijamaScion]

[Corny Jokes]

----------------------------------------------------------------------

So a young man walks into church on a Saturday night and into confession sitting down he speaks "Bless me father for I have sinned, I've been with a loose woman tonight"

"Oh is that you Tommy?"

"Yes Father."

"and who was it you were with."

"I couldn't tell you Father."

"Was it Brenda?"

"No Father"

"Was it Margaret?"

"No Father"

"Was it Anne?"

"No Father"

"Say Four hail Marys and six our fathers and the lord forgive you your sins"

So as our young man was leaving the church two of his friends came up on either side of him "So how did it go?" they asked...

"Well boys I got four hail marys six our fathers and three good leads."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
So a pickle walks into a bar, and the barman looks up from cleaning out a glass and he sets it down and exclaims "Hey.... you're a pickle... what are you doing here?" So the pickle says "For starters I'm celebrating the fact that I can walk."

----------------------------------------------------------------------

So a man goes to his priest in Amsterdam and sits down in the confessional, "Bless me father for I have sinned. During World War II, I hid a jew in my attic"

"Well my son, thats not a sin thats a good deed."

"But I made him pay me for every week that he stayed."

The Father demurred for a moment "Well thats not good but you did it for a good cause and its only right that he should help with the expenses"

"Alright Father, but I have one more question"

"What is that my son?"

"Do I have to tell him the war is over?"

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What does it take to keep an Amish woman happy?

A: Two Mennonite

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Why do blondes carry transparent lunchboxes?

A: So they know if they're going to work or coming home

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: How do porcupines mate?

A: Very very carefully.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

[Xiph0]

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, 'What's your hurry?'

To which she replied, 'I'm late for work.'

'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'

'I'm a rectum stretcher,' she responded.

The cop stammered, 'A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'

'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it , until it's about 6 feet wide.'

'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?' he asked

'You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge...'

Traffic Ticket $95.00
Court Costs $45.00
Look on the Cop's Face....... priceless.

:-)

[DoubleE]

A sailor on shore leave in Japan has a night of fun. The next morning he wakes up, and sees the ships doctor about a strange growth.

The doctor says, "That's gotta come off".
The man replies with, "No way. I'm getting a 2nd opinion".

So he goes and finds a Japanese doctor that speaks English.
The doctor asks, "You spent night with prostitute didn't you?"
The guy replies, "Yes"
"It's going to have be chopped off," The doctor says. This time the guy doesn't even bother replying and runs out the door.

He finally finds a Chinese herbalist. He explains his problem. He shows the doctor his problem.
The herbalist says,"Other doctors told you it had to come off,"
"Yes," says the man.
"Don't worry, it fall off by itself in couple of days,"

[Wildfeather]

Words of love



A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.


One day, he motioned for her to come nearer. She sat by him.

He whispered, eyes full of tears, 'You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me.

When my business failed, you were there.

When I got shot, you were by my side.

When we lost the house, you stayed right here.

When my health started failing, you were still by my side . . .

You know what?'

'What dear?' She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

'I think you're bad luck, fuck off!'

[Voldemort]

Words of love



A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.


One day, he motioned for her to come nearer. She sat by him.

He whispered, eyes full of tears, 'You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me.

When my business failed, you were there.

When I got shot, you were by my side.

When we lost the house, you stayed right here.

When my health started failing, you were still by my side . . .

You know what?'

'What dear?' She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

'I think you're bad luck, fuck off!'


I like it. Very Humorous it is.

A short one, but a joke nonetheless...

Who makes more money, a crack dealer, or a Whore?

The answer:

A whore because she can wash her crack, and re-sell it.

[carvell]

John Wayne ride's into town, tie's up his horse and walk's into the saloon,
"Give me a shot of red eye" say's John

He down's it in one go and walk's outside to find his horse has been stolen so he walk's back into the saloon and shout's

"if my horse isn't returned after i have had another drink the same thing will happen here that happened in Dodge City. NOW give me another red eye"

He down's it in one go and goe's back outside to find his horse waiting he mount's up and was about to ride off when a cowboy come's up and say's

"what happened in Dodge City"

"i had to walk home" John said

[Augurey]

The Bush Doctrine.

[Blaise]

(Quite Literally the only joke I know. Sad,right?)

This guy goes up to a bar located at the top of the Empire State Building in New York. It looks like a nice place and he takes a seat at the bar.


“This is a nice place. I’ve never been here before,” he says to the guy next to him.


“Oh, really?” the other replies. “It is a nice place. It’s also a very special bar.”


“Why is that?” the first guy asks.


“Well, do you see that painting on the far wall? That’s an original Van Gogh, and this stool I’m sitting on was on the Titanic.”


“Gee, that’s amazing!” says the first guy.

“Not only that, but you see that window over there, fourth from the right? Well, the wind does strange things outside that window. If you jump out you’ll fall about 50 feet before the wind catches you and you’re pushed back up.”


“No way! That’s impossible,” the guy scoffs.


“Not at all. Take a look,” the other man replies, and with that the walks over to the window and opens it.


He climbs over the sill and falls out. He drops 10… 20…30…40… 50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh! He comes right back up and sails back through the window.


“See? It’s fun. You should try it,” he says.


“Try it?! I don’t even believe I saw it!” the first man shouts.


“It’s easy. Watch, I’ll do it again.” And with that, he falls out the window again. He drops 10… 20… 30… 40… 50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh! He comes right back up and sails back through the window.


“Give it a try. It’s a blast,” he says.


“Well what the heck, I’ll give it a try,” the first man says, and proceeds to fall out the window. He falls 10… 20…30…40… 50…60…70…80…90…100 feet and Splat!! He ends up as road pizza on the sidewalk.


After watching this, the second guy casually closes the window, heads back to the bar, and orders a drink. The bartender arrives with the drink and says, “You know, Superman, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk.”

[Final Sleeper]

I apologize to blonds... Sorta...

What is worse then three brunettes trying to build a house under water?
Three blonds trying to burn it down.

eternity (e-ter-ni-ty) n four blond drivers and a four way stop.

I am kind of hoping that none of the mods or admins are blonds and that these jokes aren't too old.

One more here:

A Texas cowboy was overseeing his heard in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW races out of a cloud of dust towards him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd,will you give me a calf?"

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing her and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone and surfs to a NASA page on the internet where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra high resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Withing seconds , he receives and e-mail on palm pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.

He then accesses and MS-SQL database through and ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with e-mail on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Congressman for the U. S. Government," says the cowboy.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows ... this is a herd of sheep."

"Now give me back my dog."

[Aries the Dog]

Off the top of my head...

A man in a farming community is walking down his road one morning. He passes his neighbor sitting on his porch, with a small mountain of empty beer bottles around him and an open beer in his hand.

Concerned for his neighbor the man walks up and asks what happened. The man looks up groggily and replies "My wife left me this morning, and she took my kids... and my cow" he added as an afterthought.

The man nodded understanding his drunken state, he was very curious as to why though. "Any particular reason?" he asked.

His neighbor said "Well somethings you just can't explain..." the man was about to leave at that till he launched into a story.

"Well I got up early this morning to milk my cow before breakfast, like usual. So I'm in my barn milking her, and when I get a full bucket, I set it down and turn to leave. But that cow just kicks over the bucket with her leg." He says rather calmly, before turning to the man and repeating "Well somethings you just can't explain."

"So I get a piece of rope and tie her leg to the stall, then started milking her again. Well, when it was full that god damn cow knocked it over with her other leg!" He seemed riled up before he sank back it to his chair, repeating "Well some things you just can't explain."

"So I took the rest of the rope and tied her other leg to the stall before milking her again. When the bucket was finally full I set it up on the banister before I untied her legs. But you know that god damn fucking cow knocked the fucking bucket over with her tail!! But as it goes I was out of rope, so I took off my belt to tie down her tail."

"Right after that my pants fell down and before I could pull them up my wife walked in... well somethings you just can't explain"

[Seratin]

Three third-graders, a Jew, an Italian, and an African American are on the playground at recess. The Jewish kid suggests that they play a new game. "Let's see who has the largest dick," he says. "Okay," they all agree.

The Jewish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out. "That's nothing," says the Italian kid. He whips his out. His is a couple of inches longer. Not to be outdone, the African American whips his out. It is far the biggest, dwarfing the other two in both length and width. The Jewish and Italian kid are stunned and amazed. "Wow, that thing is huge!" they exclaim.

That night, eating dinner at home, the African American's mother asks him what he did at school today.

"Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test and read out loud from a new book ...and during recess, my friends and I played "Let's see who has the largest dick."

"What kind of game is that, honey?" says the mother.

"Well, me, Sidney and Anthony each pulled out our penises, and I had the biggest! The other kids say its because I'm black. Is that true, Mom?"

The mom replies: "No, honey. It's because you're twenty-three."

[Comnenus]

Heh, I liked that one Seratin.

My one is:

Q. Why did Hitler commit suicide?


A. Because his gasbill came through.

[Seratin]

Dude, see the intro section? Go there, start an intro and try not to get raped.

I lol'd at the hitler joke.

[Jenkins]

http://kul-tiras.com/forum/download/file.php?id=135&mode=view

Lulz. Fucking lulz.

[Oz]

Why does Rihanna sing "To the left, to the left!" ?

'Coz niggers ain't got no rights.

:/ Anyone know any white jokes? I know dozens of black jokes, but no white ones...

[White Rabbit]

A man driving along an old dusty road, stops when he sees a farmer. He hops out and jogs up to the farmer and asks, "I'm a dog whisperer, could I talk to your dog for a second?"

The farmer is skeptical, but chooses to allow the man to talk to the dog.

The man lets out a short series of growls and barks, and to the farmers surprise the dog barks and whoofs back. The man than looks back up to the farmer and says, "The dog says that it is happy, but it could would work harder if every once in awhile it got a bone."

The farmer still shocked watches as the dog nods along as the man tells him this.

The man then asks the farmer if he can talk to the horse the farmer was riding on. The farmer responds with a simple, "Sure."

The man lets out few neighs and whinny's and the horse responds back. He turns to the farmer and says, "The horse would like an apple every now and then. He says he would work harder if that happened."

The farmer too stunned to say anythign just stares at the mysterious man.

The man looks over at the hill and asks the farmer, "Are those your sheep over there?"

To which the farmer immediately refuses and responds, "Oh them? No, they're a bunch of damned liars!"
---------------------------------------------------------------

About the only white joke I know.

Everyone knows this one, but what the hell.

Why was Helen Keller a bad driver?

-Becuase she was a woman.

[Paravon]

What does a sadist say to a masochist?



No.

[Grubdubdub]

A religious Jew comes to a car dealership store and asks for a 'Jew car'. The seller says okay and shows him a 'Jew car'. The Jew asks the seller why it's a Jew car, and the seller says that to drive it you need to say "thank you God", and to break you say "please God." The Jew is very happy and buys the car.

One day, the Jew drives in a rocky road and he doesn't pay attention and comes dangerously close to a cliff. The Jew panics and says "please God, save me!" and the car stops. "Phew... Thank you God."

[Hira.Humbert]

I obviously don't know many jokes in English, and they'll probably be a bit crappy. :)


After explaining what stuttering was to her class, the teacher then asked the children if they had any examples of people stuttering. A young girl raised her hand and when called upon, she announced that the other day her cat stuttered.
The teacher calmly told her that animals don't stutter because they can't talk. The young girl insisted that it was true, her cat did stutter. Her teacher then curiously asked her to explain what she meant. The little girl told her teacher that she was in the garden playing with her cat when a big dog jumped over the fence. Her cat's back arched up and he started hissing going "fff...fff...fff..." but the dog ate him before he could say fuck.



Why does sperm look like tadpoles ?

Because frogs are too hard to swallow.




Just out of curiosity, how do you 'make' those "spoliers" ? Cheers.

[White Rabbit]

It's under vB code. Which is all the way at the bottom left of the screen.

[Rehio]

[Spoiler] Message [/.spoiler]

Subtract the dot.

[The-Hyphenated-One]

Why did Helen Keller's dog kill itself?

You would too if your name was arggggggggggrrgrg!

[White Rabbit]

Why do black people only have nightmares?

-Because the last black man to have a dream got shot.

Happy Belated Martin Luther King Jr. Day!

[Ancalion]

How come women can't get hit by cars?

-Streets don't go through kitchens.

How do you torture Helen Keller?

-Leave a plunger in the toilet.

Why did Helen Keller have to go to the hospital?

-She tried to read the cheese grater.

How do you get a baby into a bowl?
-Blender
How do you get a baby out of a bowl?
-Tostitos

[Xiph0]

An American, a Brazilian and a Romanian were talking about danger and adrenaline.

The American says: "when we want adrenaline, I gather with 3 other friends of mine and we do bungee jumping, only one of the ropes is not tied and one of us dies when he gets that one. That adds to the tension!"

The Brazilian says: "when we want adrenaline, we make groups of 4 and we go on the most difficult parts of the Amazon with rafts, but one of the rafts is intentionally broken and whoever gets that one dies. That adds to the suspense!"

The Romanian says: "when we want adrenaline, I meet other 3 friends of mine, we say political jokes all night, and one of them is in the Securitate* so next day we are all in jail"


*Secret police in communist Romania.


A queue in Warsaw...someone gets annoyed and starts ranting and raving about how good things were before Communism and how pathetic they are now.

A shadowy figure comes up to him and makes the gesture of a gun pointed to his forehead. "Careful, comrade. Remember how lucky you are. Years ago you could have been shot for saying all that openly."

The man gets home eventually and says to his wife, "What an awful day!"

"What happened? Were they out of bread again?" his wife asks.

"Not that. They're out of bullets."What's the real ratio between the Pound, the Rouble and the Dollar?
A pound of Roubles is worth a Dollar."Comrade, comrade, we have exceeded ourselves! If we were to pile up all our potatos, they would reach the feet of God!"

"Comrade, in the USSR, there is no God"

"That's fine, Comrade, there are no potatos either!"A man was sent to Siberia's Gulag.

The KGB guard interrogates him

"Vassili Ivanovich, you have been sentenced to twenty years penal labour. Why is this?"

"Comrade Commissar, I stood in Red Square and shouted 'General Secretary Brezhnev is an idiot' and I was given a five year sentence for defamation"

"But your sentence is twenty years?"

"I was given fifteen years for revealing a state secret"

My absolute favorite:

Trotsky walks into a bar and orders it razed because sober workers are more efficient.

[Kalas]

A seal walked into a club.

[The-Hyphenated-One]

What kinda pants does Mario wear?


Denim Denim Denim

(Say it out loud to yourself to get teh effect)

[The Deadman]

Whats the funniest thing about a pile of dead babies in a corner?

The live one in the middle eating its way out.

[Goddessa39]

Italian Joke

Antonio came home from school one day and his granmother asked him what he learned. He said the teacher told them all about penises,vaginas and masturbation. The grandmother slapped him hard across the face and told him to go to his room. Antonio rushed upstairs crying.

After a few minutes the grandmother realised she had acted wrongly and went upstairs to apologise to Antonio.When she opened his room door he was lying on his bed masturbating. She told Antonio that when he had finished his homework she would like a word with him.

..............

Girls night out
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

.................

Punishment
A man was sent to Hell for his sins. As he was being taken to his place of eternal torment, he passed a room where a lawyer was having an intimate encounter with a beautiful young woman.

"What a ripoff," the man muttered. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman."

Jabbing the man with his pitchfork, the escorting demon snarled, "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"

.................

New Women's Study
There is a new study out about women. I thought these results were pretty interesting.

85% of women think their ass has grown too big since getting married..

10% of women think their ass is just as big as it was when they got married..

The other 5% say that they don't care, they love him and would have married him anyway.

[Richardc269]

Here's a couple jokes for you.

If France were to attack Turkey from behind, would Greece help?

Three guys were driving down the road, their names were: Shut Up, Trouble and Shit. Shit flies out the window, and Shut Up stops the car so Shut Up can go get'em. A cop comes by the car and asks his name. He says "Shut Up." The cop asks his name a couple more times before getting fed up, and asks "Are you looking for trouble?" Shut Up says "No, Trouble's back there picking up Shit!"

[The Deadman]

A man dies and goes to hell. The Devil, in a good mood, decided to let the man pick out his eternity. In the first room were a group of people standing on their heads on a concrete floor.

"Let me see the other rooms." The man said. The Devil took him to the second room, where the people were standing on their heads on a wooden floor.

"Lets check the other room." The man said. The Devil took him to the final room, where people were standing thigh high in shit drinking coffee.

"I choose this one." The man said, walking in. After a couple of minutes, the Devil Returned.

"All right everyone, coffee breaks over, back on your heads." He said.

[Oz]

Hmm.. I know a similar joke, deadman. Guy dies, goes to hell, yaddayaddayadda. Anyways, as he's going to where his fate is decided, he sees a lawyer getting fucked by this really hot girl. He is, understandably, fucking pissed off. He turns to the Devil, and starts screaming at him. "That is not fair! etc." Devil gets royally pissed with him and seals his mouth shut, "Know your place, mortal! Who are you to criticise that girl's punishment?"

[Samuel Black]

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."



A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

[Xiph0]

So a dyslexic man walks into a bra..

[Krogan]

Ok so this is one of my favorites, it's a traveling salesmen joke

There are these two salesmen and they are driving down the road at midnight in the middle of nowhere when their car breaks down. They try to fix it but they give up quickly and start wandering down the road looking for a place they can stay for the night. They come across a huge farmhouse and they walk up and knock on the front door.

An old man answered the door and they said "Our car broke down about a mile down the road and we are looking for a place to stay, do you know of any?" He replied "Naw sonny there used to be a motel about a 5 miles south but it was closed down a couple of years ago." When they heard this the salesmen looked depressed but the farmer said "Tell you what boys, I'll let you stay here if you make me a promise." The salesmen looked at each other and quickly agreed "Sure, whatever you want" The farmer said "I want you two to promise me that you absolutely won't have sex with my daughters while you are here."

The salesmen agreed without hesitation but what they didn't know was that the farmers daughters were both gorgeous stacked blondes and that they had never met another man besides their father. Later on that night the daughters snuck into the guy's rooms and of course they fucked like rabbits.

The next morning both men woke up and went downstairs to find the farmer was already awake and sitting at the kitchen table. He looked at them and said " Before you boys leave why don't you go out to my garden and pick some of your favorite fruit and we'll have a good old breakfast." The guys saw nothing wrong with that and went out to the garden. The first guy came back fairly quick with a handful of blueberries but when he got in the house and closed the door the farmer shoved the barrel of his 12 gauge under his nose.

Understandably the man immediatley froze and asked what was going on. The farmer told him how he knew about the men screwing his daughters last night and how he was pissed that they had broken their word. He then told him "Both of you are going to be shoving the fruit you get out of my garden up your ass." The man paused and then started to laugh uncontrollably, the farmer was deeply confused and he told him "I'm not fuckin joking boy, you are going to shove those blueberries up your ass." When he finished laughing the man told the farmer "No I know your not joking, its just that my buddy is outside picking watermelons!"

[Xiph0]

A few George Carlin ones that're lulz:

“You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.”

“The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it. “

“I’ve always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.” <- LOL

“If the “black box” flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole damn airplane made out of that shit?"

“I never fucked a ten, but one night, I fucked five twos.”

“I’m not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain. “

“I’m in shape. Round is a shape. “

“I’m desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets. “

"Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?"

[FollowTheReaper]

What do Pentti Arajärvi's pants and the Finnish flag have in common?

- Both are lowered and raised at the command of the president.






... Joke most likely fell flat on it's ass.:headshot:

[SunderBolt]

This is the only one I know off the bat.

A man is driving through the countryside and sees a guy fucking a sheep.

Horrified he drives to the nearest farmhouse.

Knocking on the door he waits until a little boy with white hair answers.

"Sorry son, are your parents in? there is a man in your field having sex with a sheep"

The boy looks up at the man confused and then just laughs.

"Oh don't worry sir, thats just my Daaaaaaad"

[Oz]

Knock knock.

Who's there?

NOT MADELINE MCCAIN ANYWAY! :awesome

[Argosh]

3 guys (German, French and British) walk into a bar. The barman looks at them for a few seconds, frowning, and asks: "Is this some kind of joke?"

[Blaise]

What sound does a racist wooden rollercoaster make?

Answer:
(uphill):Chink-chink-chink-chink-chink
(downhill): Nigga-nigga-nigga-nigga-nigga

It's better spoken outloud, I suppose. <_<