Cool quotes [Archive] - Dark Lord Potter Forums

ip82

11-26-2005, 07:12 AM

Few parts from The New Trio by henriette. Not the best story in the world, but damn cool parts. This is from chapter 8.

"Answer the freaking question Longbottom before I kill you!"

"Oh okey. I..I think it was...oh what's the word.....it was, it was, no I can't say it, it's too awkward.....and I don't...."

"I don't bloody care if it's about you shagging your Grandmother you twit, just answer the question; What is your best dream about?????"

"Oh, I.....I don't know...I don't really remember.."

"ARRG, I'M GOING TO STRANGLE YOU, YOU IMBECILE!"

With the rules out in the open he clapped his hands and horrible Quiz Show music started to play and multicoloured balloons flouted down from the selling.

"Welcome Ladies and Gentlemen to the Ying & Yang project competition here at Hogwarts! Let me present our judges today who will sit in the background and watch for any cheating amongst the pairs. We will start with the adorable first years, give a round of applause to Miss Hampshire and Miss Cutwing our first competitors."

The hall broke up in applause and the reporters snapped some pictures.

&&Dear Merlin, help us all!&& (Harry)

#I knew it, he's bloody insane, insane I tell you!# (Draco)

==Oooohhh, this is going to be fun, look at all the balloons, BAALLLOOOONNNNSS!== (Dumbledore)

##I hate my life, I hate my life, I hate my life.......## (Snape)

::Thank God we got pillows to sit on, I'm so sore!:: (Dean)

ip82

11-26-2005, 07:30 AM

These ones are from nonjon's one-shot "Birth of a Name".

“Oh posh, Minnie. Don’t mind Marv.” Myrtle interrupts. “He’s just irritable. Though you might be too, if your name was Rom Tiddle.”

I just grumble at the annoying witch with a capital B. Just you wait! Someday, I’m going to be the ruler of the world and then… then, I’ll kill all y’all. Then we’ll see who’s irritable. Myrtle’s looking at me funny now. “And quit looking at my parchment.”

Another good one...

That’s it. That is my breaking point. My instincts kick in and I whip my wand around faster than anything she’s ever seen. I hiss out the spell, certain this will nail her flush across the shoulder. “Rictusempra.”

“Tee-hee-hee,” she laughs as she rubs her shoulder. “Stop that. It tickles.”

God, I can’t wait until I can use Cruciatus whenever I want to.

ip82

11-26-2005, 01:57 PM

This is from nonjon's new one-shot "Therapeutic Discussion"

Harry shrugged. “I cried a fair amount when Professor Dumbledore died. But mainly because he forced me to watch helplessly as he idiotically sacrificed himself for no reason.”

“No reason?” The doctor repeated.

“No good reason at least.” Harry sighed. “I suppose you could argue he saved a pretentious arrogant git from becoming a pretentious arrogant reluctantly loyal Death Eater git.”

...Another one...

...But in an ideal world ‘Severus’ would only ever be a word used to describe the bacteria you have to rinse off the clamps down in laundry for the eco-friendly reusable colostomy bags. Where Jorge on his second day of the job would walk up to his supervisor and point to his hand, ‘I got this rash growing.’ To which, the supervisor would take one look at all the oozing puss and spores and say, ‘Woo! Careful there. You got a bad case of Severus. Come on, I got some Snape Oil Ointment in the trailer.’ And then Jorge would-”

Dr. Nonjon interrupted, “You are aware of the extent of your hostility towards the man?”

Harry nodded cheerfully.

nonjon

12-01-2005, 03:29 PM

Quoting your own and self-promotion is seriously classless and wrong.

Two characteristics that describe me frequently.

So, for what it's worth, and considering I've been quoted a few times here already, this is one of my favorite quotes from my own fics, that ended up getting a little dissected when finally posted. It's a small soliloquy from Harry to Luna's delectable little bum:

I want to pinch it and squeeze it.
I want to cuddle and snuggle with it.
I want caress it and hold it lovingly after rubbing it raw.
I want to see it, hear it, smell it, feel it, and taste it.
I want to lick it, nibble it, nip at it and full on open-mouth kiss it.
I want to relax and settle my face in between its warm full mounds of pale cream colored rosy-tinted flesh and whisper sweet nothings to it.
I want to name the left cheek Velma and the right cheek Daphne.
I want Daphne to be jealous of the extra attention I pay to Velma. Even though Daphne is the more classically beautiful one, its Velma’s imperfections and individuality that make me love her more.
I want to be a caterpillar so that it could be my cocoon.
I want it bronzed so the world will forever remember it.
I want it stuffed and mounted on the wall staring down on me and judging me.
I want it to find me worthy, and hate me for it.

IndoGhost

12-01-2005, 04:04 PM

ip82

12-02-2005, 06:12 AM

This is from "Once Upon a Freakin' Time" by Evadne (chapter 7).

(Voldemort:) "While the Ministry is distracted trying to find you, Snape and I will storm the Ministry offices and take the Minister of Magic hostage. They’ll be forced to turn control of the magical world over to me. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…!”

“But, what if…” started Lucius.

“…HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…!”

“Um…My Lord?” asked Wormtail.

“MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

“Voldemort, snap out of it!” shouted Snape.

“HOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!”

Snape, Lucius and Wormtail just stared at Voldemort. “Maybe if we wait a second,” muttered Wormtail.

“BWAHAHA! BWAHA! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

“I don’t think he’s stopping anytime soon,” hissed Lucius.

“HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE!”

“Oh, for godssake,” said Snape. And they left.

“AHAHAHAHAHA…ahahahahaha…aha…aha…ha.” Voldemort looked around as the echo of his manic laughter died down.

“Hey, where did everyone go?”

Sree

12-04-2005, 01:26 AM

Defiance until the last breath, until the last drop of blood.

“HOGWARTS!” the Dark Lord bellowed above the constant twirling of Harry’s blade. His eyes connected with the youth’s, and Harry smiled when he saw the uncertainty reflected there. “YOU WILL SURRENDER!”

The Death Eaters had stopped moving behind their Lord, and their torches flickered in the small wind. The snow about their feet had been reduced to slush, and the vampires hissed into the night from their shadows.

“Okay,” Harry replied. “Just hold on a minute, I’ll get the door.”

Harry moved towards the iron gate lever as if he did indeed intend to open it. “Harry,” Tonks whispered. “What are you doing!?”

Harry spoke calmly, quietly. “When I give the signal, open fire on them – all of you,” he looked into the Muggle’s eyes. “Don’t hesitate... it’s either you or them.”

“YOU ARE MOCKING ME, BOY!” Voldemort roared, brandishing his wand and cutting through the air.

Harry jumped back and forth along the parapet, from his higher vantage point, as if he didn’t have a care in the world. “YES, I AM!” Harry shouted, and then flicked his hand towards a nearby pile of snow.

In the blink of an eye a small ball of snow flew up into Harry’s hands. Still smiling insanely, he took careful aim and then shot it through the air with his mind towards Voldemort. It hit the Dark Lord square in the shoulder, and he took a step back.

Disbelief was probably the strongest feeling at that moment.

“DEATH WILL BE A RELIEF WHEN I’M FINISHED WITH YOU!” Voldemort roared, his eyes blazing with the fires of two hot furnaces.

- From joe6991's fic Harry Potter and the Defiance of the Hero. Fucking great.

ip82

12-04-2005, 01:24 PM

This is from "Learning Incentives" chapter 2, by Loralee

Bellatrix's head snapped around and cut Sirius off, "A sex magick book, aren't you the lucky boy. Perhaps we should demonstrate the techniques." Then she stalked toward Sirius and grabbed him by the shirt as if to pull him out of the veil.

Harry sputtered "Ewww! You're cousins"

"Oh that's ok, we're purebloods you know."

I LOVE GINNY

12-05-2005, 03:38 PM

This one made me laugh, it's from ishtar's Harry Potter and the Junior Year Abroad

Many of the letters contained pictures of the senders, which Harry had found himself unwilling to dispose of, so in his trunk he now had hidden a collection of pictures of young witches, most smiling or waving shyly, but also including two rather disturbing ones of older witches. One of them was doing something unusual with a broomstick. Those he had put back in the original envelopes and stuffed way, way at the bottom of his trunk. They gave him strange feelings that he wasn't quite ready to examine yet.

ip82

12-21-2005, 04:05 PM

This is from "Not Another Snape is Harry's Father Story" by Ariana Deralte (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/827744/1/)... Good Severitus one-shot parody.

Harry: You hate me! You’ll always hate me.

Snape: I don’t hate you…I hate <Snape tries to come up with a plausible answer> obnoxious little brats who always get special treatment and fame. Wait. That’s you isn’t it? Never mind.

Harry: It’s okay. I forgive you.

Snape: I cuckolded James Potter.

Harry: I still forgive you.

Snape: I raped your mother.

Harry: I still forgive you.

Snape: I ate the last box of cheerios.

Harry: That was you? You ba-

Dark Syaoran

12-21-2005, 04:21 PM

Well, if you look at my sig you'll see a cool quote.

Euphemism

12-21-2005, 11:24 PM

Saw this somewhere else.

From "Lily Potter and the Worst Holiday (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2477819/2/)", by bobsaggara. Funny, but rather a bit too much on the fluffy slide for this forum.

“Oi, greasy-git,” Ron called out from his chair. “I take it that You-Know-Who found out that you were a spy. Is that why you got it cut off,” Ron said indicating Snape’s left arm, “to get rid of the Dark Mark?”

“What of it, you insolent whelp?” Snape asked defensively.

“I just reckon it must be difficult to make all those potions with just one hand.”

“I can do everything now that I could before.” Snape hissed defiantly.

“Is that right?” Ron asked as he casually. “Clap.”

Snape’s face paled and his eyes bulged in anger.

“How dare you…” the Potions Master began.

“Climb a ladder,” Ron added.

Xiph0

12-22-2005, 01:03 AM

:lol: !

sgtoutlaw

12-22-2005, 04:23 AM

I myself loved this scene from your story
He pointed his newfound wand at Harry, victorious smirk on his face. "AVADA KEDAVRA!" he yelled insanely, relishing his victory.

Few feet away, Harry froze in his track, 'deer in a headlight' expression etched on his face. He had just grabbed a wand he had been going for, but he knew it was already too late. Knowing there was nothing he could do, he squeezed his eyes shut, calmly accepting his fate. He watched his whole life flash before his eyes, as he waited for the familiar sound of approaching death to rush past him, taking his soul away. But nothing came.

Dead silence engulfed the dingy blocked-off alley, as two bruised, smelly man sat few feet away from each other, surrounded by piles of trash, staring dumbly at a piece of wood one of them was shakily holding. Slowly, Harry's brain started functioning again, gradually comprehending what was the problem with Rookwood's spell. Judging by shocked but fearful expression on the man's face, he had just come up with the same conclusion.

Drumstick. Rookwood was holding a fucking drumstick in his hand;

MadEyes

12-22-2005, 10:04 AM

I loved that.

Now, you just have to wander how a drumstick ended up in knockturn alley. :wink:

ip82

12-22-2005, 10:25 AM

It's not in a Knockturn Alley, it's muggle world, some rundown neighbourhood...

MadEyes

12-22-2005, 11:16 AM

It's not in a Knockturn Alley, it's muggle world, some rundown neighbourhood...

Ah! Good, I was starting to wander there for a bit. Probably I don’t remember where that’s mentioned. lol. Alas, it seams that age is finally catching up with me.

I LOVE GINNY

12-22-2005, 12:53 PM

MadEyes

12-22-2005, 12:58 PM

I think he would have noticed if it wasnt made of wood. :wink:

ip82

12-22-2005, 01:23 PM

It was supposed to be a chopstick (from chinese restourant), but that's too small to be mistaken for a wand. I was also considering conductor's baton, but something like that wasn't very likely to be found in the trash... In the end, I have decided for a drummer's drumsticks, coz I couln't think of anything else...

Euphemism

12-22-2005, 01:56 PM

When I read drumstick, I was thinking... turkey leg. :lol:

Miss Selarne

12-22-2005, 02:40 PM

I was thinking chicken leg. "I will bash you to death by chicken leg!" Course, if you were really weird, you could think it was a drumstick ice cream cone.

zUzaque

12-22-2005, 04:20 PM

Maturity is knowing that just because someone disagrees with you doesn't mean he's a horse's ass. -Harry S Truman

If I had all the money I've spent on drink, I'd spend it on drink.-Stanshall Vivian

No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats -- approximately 1.5 billion Chinese couldn't care less. - Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom

People are morons. I don't have any other explanation. I really don't.
-Joss Whedon

Yes, risk-taking is inherently failure-prone. Otherwise, it would be called sure-thing-taking.-Tim McMahon

Every time I try to define a perfectly stable person, I am appalled by the dullness of that person.-J.D. Griffin

What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.
-Dave Barry

I hadn't smoked in ten or twelve years, but I wished then I'd had a cigarette that I could have taken a final drag on and flipped still burning into the river as I turned and walked away. Not smoking gains in the area of lung cancer, but it loses badly in the realm of dramatic gestures.-Robert Parker

MITCH: The weirdest thing just happened to me.
CHRIS: Was it a dream where you were standing in sort of sun-god robes on top of a pyramid, and there were hundreds of naked women screaming and throwing little pickles at you?
MITCH: No...
CHRIS: Why am I the only one who has that dream?
-Neal Israel

Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he THINK he was doing at the time

Definition of Stress: The confusion created when one''s mine overrides the body''s desire to beat or choke the living shit out of some asshole who desperately needs it.

Suicide is a way of telling God: ''You can't fire me, I QUIT!

Never fight with an idiot, they''ll drag you down to their level and beat you with experience

sgtoutlaw

12-22-2005, 06:42 PM

Great quotes man, like the last one especially.

zUzaque

12-22-2005, 07:00 PM

i've had those sitting on my computer for awhile now. glad you liked em'.

Euphemism

12-23-2005, 01:54 AM

From Slay Hard (http://parrot.moments-lost.co.uk/viewstory.php?sid=922), but M. McGregor. BtVS fanfic.

"Do you really think I could kill two Yarnaks by myself?" Xander said, thinking fast. "I'm just a weak little human and they were superior Yarnak demons. Obviously I had help. Why do you think your pal here wanted you to leave when he had to have smelled me here in the room?"

Chahohee's armored nostrils flared. This made sense. Humans could not kill Yarnaks. This was impossible, as all Yarnaks knew. And vampires did have superior senses of smell. Surely the vampire had smelled the human. That meant...

"You killed my brethren!" Chahohee screamed, his huge clawed hand snapping out to grab the vampire by the throat. He lifted him off the ground, snarling in the vampire's face.

"No...Joey, he's lyin'! I swear!"

"Who are you going to trust?" said Xander. "Me, a human guy who works for the side of good, or some lying vampire?"

Chahohee knew, as did all Yarnaks, that "good guys" were incapable of lying. The vampire had killed his brothers!

Ravage

12-24-2005, 08:47 AM

Do you really think santa knows where all the naughty girls live?-My mother after I told her some of the previous quotes

Xiph0

12-24-2005, 03:26 PM

Suicide is a way of telling God: ''You can't fire me, I QUIT!

I swear either Bill Maher or Carlin said that....

Midknight

12-24-2005, 04:12 PM

Carlin in the 60's or 70's. Wanna say his 72 special maybe

RagefulLlama

12-24-2005, 05:08 PM

i've had those sitting on my computer for awhile now. glad you liked em'.

Those last four of yours was my exact signature when I first joined this forum . . in the exact order as well :-P.

"I hear high school’s easier the second time around."

"I will temporarily rule the world, forever."

"Impotence...Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings,"

Warning: Trespassers will be shot
Warning: Survivors will be shot again."

"Caution: Cape does not enable user to fly."

"I hear voices, and they don't like you."

"For sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain."

"If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to."

Gaara had…carefully considered their request, politely denied it, and gave a counter argument that the Sound had been unable to debate.
Or survive.

and soon the white cloth covering the goon’s crotch area erupted in flames. It took a while for the intoxicated buffoon to realize this, and finally when he smelled something cooking he began running around like a headless chicken screaming,
“Put it out! Put it out!”
One of the lackeys acted upon his first instinct. No. It wasn’t to yell stop, drop and roll. He threw the panicking goon down, and started stomping away at his, well, crotch area. Terrible howls of anguish could be heard from the unfortunate thug as his friend kept stomping away at his genitals in an attempt to douse the fire. Soon, the last remnants of the fire flickered away, leaving only the charred and tattered remains of the goon’s pants and underwear. His eyes had glazed over and faint moaning was being emanated from him. The other thug whispered to the one who had so efficiently doused the fire, “Wh…Where did you learn how to put out a camp fire?”

Fate's a bitch, Destiny's a bastard and they are a real pain in the ass when they work together~ Me.

Did you know…..
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat up one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)
If you farted constantly for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that’s more like it.)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(Oh my God!)
A pig’s orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
A cockroach will live 9 days with out its head before it starves to death.
(Creepy, but I’m still not over the pig.)
Banging your head on the wall burns 150 calories an hour.
(Do not try this at home…maybe at work.)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is still attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male’s head off.
(“Honey, I’m home. What the…?”)
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It’s like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes…lucky pig…can you imagine???)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life…quality over quantity)
Butterflies taste with they’re feet.
(Something I’ve always wanted to know.)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmm…)
Right-handed people live, on average, 9 years longer than left-handed people.
(If your ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing...)
A cat’s urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that…)
Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)
Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch they’ll live longer.)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about the pig???)

Santa Claus is the biggest pimp around he always says HO HO HO

At that moment, Jiraiya felt like yanking the jounin’s mask down and kissing him till his mismatched eyes crossed.
In fact, he did just that. Several things happened.
Shizune fainted at seeing the two greatest perverts she knew kissing.
Tsunade was so shocked she lost her hold on her genjutsu and resumed her normal form. Instantly, all the male medic nins (as well as a couple of female) who had fantasized on the Hokage ran for the nearest bathroom. It would take days to clean up the vomit afterwards.
And Naruto chose that very moment to open his eyes. The first thing he saw was the two men. 'Bastard fox! Reopen my wounds NOW! I'd rather be dead than live with that image.'
End Omake 2

Xiph0

12-24-2005, 05:18 PM

He (Carlin) has gotten really bitter hasn't he?

RagefulLlama

12-24-2005, 05:20 PM

Some of my favourite quotes from Naruto fanfiction. . .mainly from the godly work that is foxhound :-P.

Naruto decided right then and there that this odd fellow was a kami in disguise and should be treated with the respect he deserved. In other words, he’d wait to hear what excuses the man had for scaring the shit out of him before he killed him and took the masterpiece that was on his head.

Lee spun like a top towards the newcomer, accidentally throwing Ino across the room.
“Oh Gai-sensei!”
“Oh Lee!”
“Oh God…” Kakashi muttered as he pulled his forehead protector down over his exposed eye again. He would avoid watching the beautiful beasts hug if it killed him. Besides, if he leaned back and acted like he was asleep, maybe they’d leave him alone.

It gave a weary sigh as it finished reading the card from Gai’s team. “Lee says ‘hi.’”
“Really?” Naruto said suspiciously as he grabbed the scalpel off the floor and tucked it into his pouch. The same person who forgot his shoes must’ve forgotten his kunai too. He’d need every sharp tool he could find. His thoughts drifted back to what the clone had said about Lee. “What does it really say?”
“He and Gai filled the entire thing with crap about ‘youth power.’ Both pages,” The clone deadpanned. It flipped the card over. “And the back.”
Naruto winced and took on a look of slight horror.
“All of it?” He asked, incredulously.
The clone gave him a dry stare as it held up the card and said, “Tenten had to sign the front cover.”

“Lord what fools these mortals be,” The blonde teen said as he turned a page. The demon in him seriously considered turning that into a personal motto, but decided not to as it would make him sound like a stuck-up bastard.

“And if Naruto doesn’t make a full recovery, then I’ll do ten thousand push-ups while standing on my hands! Five for me and an extra five for him!” Lee declared.
“Yosh! And if Lee can’t do ten thousand hand-stand push-ups, then I’ll run to the Hidden Sand and back in two days!” Gai said, jumping to his feet. A large sweat-drop appeared at the side of Kakashi’s head as he tried to convince himself that he didn’t know this man.
“And if Gai-sensei can’t make the run in time, I’ll carve Naruto’s face on the Hokage Monument!” Lee yelled, jumping to his feet and clenching his fist in triumph. Ino covered her face with her hands.
“And if Lee is arrested by the ANBU before he can finish, I’ll break him out of jail with a boulder tied to my back!” Gai announced.
“Gai-sensei!”
“Lee!”
“Kami-sama…” Ino muttered.

They’d killed four Sound-nins and because of Ino they had also gotten one of them alive for ‘interrogation’ (read: Ibiki was very happy.)

Gaara looked pleased. Not ‘Oh my god I got a pony for Giftmas!’ pleased. More like…’I shall make blood flow forth like rivers’ kind of pleased.

Worn down even if only a little, he was now somewhat susceptible to Mangekyou level gen-jutsu.
He activated his technique and said calmly: “For the next 48 hours you will see looped over and over Teletubbies the movie: Tinky Winky meets Patrick and Spongebob...”
The demon’s eyes widened in horror. A cry of “Noooooooo!” rang out.

---------------------------------------------------------

a man died and went to heaven, for those of you who dont know there is a room of clocks inside the gates of heaven these clocks show how many times a person had lied during their lives, the man looked at his clock, it had only moved twenty minutes in his lifetime, he asked to see jesus' one, the hands hadn't moved at all, the man then looked around and then asked the angel
"where is george bush's clock?"
the angel thought for a moment before saying
"god keeps it in his office as a fan"

"If at first you don't succeed, Skydiving is not for you."
"I don't suffer from insanity - I enjoy it."
"I'm not anti-social - I just don't like you!"
"I only do what the voices tell me to do!"
"You say I'm a freak like it's a BAD thing."
"You're just jealous 'cos the voices are talking to me!"

Miss Selarne

12-25-2005, 05:41 PM

I've got plenty of quotes saved on my computer. Here's some of them since I don't want to make a big huge post.

Until you've lost your reputation, you never realize what a burden it was.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity.

“Life’s funny.”
“Why? I don’t find anything funny about it,” he replied gloomily.
“Oh, it’s a riot, really. Funny way of teaching us lessons, giving us answers. Almost like…when we think we have all the answers, life goes and changes the questions. It’s funny.”

I have no prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

Age...a matter of feeling, not years.

When you want to fool the world, tell the truth.

We are not retreating...we are advancing in another direction.

I like work. It fascinates me. I can sit and look at it forever.

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

War does not determine who is right. It determines who is left.

They say love hides behind every corner. I must be walking in circles!

My mother told me never to talk to strangers...I never talk to myself anymore.

I've always wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my enemy to go swimming.

Heaven kicked me out. Hell was afraid I'll take over.

Just because I'm a genius doesn't mean I'm required to have a lot of common sense. Or any, for that matter...

I'm bored. Run for your sanity.

My imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems.
I didn't deny it! I just didn't admit it!

Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.

Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't.

I love deadlines. I especially love the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.

The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because generally they are the same people.

It is better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt.

The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get to school.

A friend will bail you out of jail but a best friend will be there with you saying " DAMN! That was fun!"

Teamwork is essential because you can blame other people when something goes wrong

Everyone has a right to their own opinion, its just that your one is stupid!

There are two kinds of people in the world, those who bitch and those who are the source of bitching

Miss Selarne

12-25-2005, 05:50 PM

Here's some more.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

We used to play spin the bottle when I was a kid. A girl would spin the bottle and if it pointed to you when it stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a dime. By the time I was 14, I owned my own home.

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

Chaos. Panic. Disorder. My work here is done.

I want to die in my sleep like my great grandfather.... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car....

It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.

If you don't like my driving then stay off the sidewalk!

Energizer bunny arrested; charged with battery.

Never take life seriously. No one gets out alive, anyway.

A little rudeness and disrespect can elevate a meaningless interaction to a battle of wills and add drama to an otherwise dull day.

The willing, Destiny guides them; the unwilling, Destiny drags them.

Practical politics consists in ignoring facts.

Question: Why does God allow evil in the world?
Sri Ramakrishna: To thicken the plot.

If you're going to do something wrong, at least enjoy it.

On the way back, they sang a number of tuneful and reflective songs on the subjects of peace, justice, morality, culture, sport, family life, and the obliteration of all other life forms.

Teacher: Explain Newton's First Law of Motion in your own words.
Calvin: Yakka foob mog. Grug pubbawup zink wattoom gazork. Chumble spuzz. ( I love Calvin & Hobbes)

A man asked Hakuin, a Zen master, "What happens after we die?"
The master replied, "I don't know."
"What do you mean? You're a Zen master, aren't you?"
"I am," came the reply, "but not a dead one."

CALVIN: I'm a simple man, Hobbes.
HOBBES: You? Yesterday you wanted a nuclear powered car that could turn into a jet with laser-guided heat-seeking missiles!
CALVIN: I'm a simple man with complex tastes.

Totally mad. Utter nonsense. But we'll do it because it's brilliant nonsense.

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

"Well," Brahma said, "even after ten thousand explanations, a fool is no wiser, but an intelligent man requires only two thousand five hundred."

"In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move."

CHARLIE BROWN: Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."

The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.

Find out what you like doing best and get someone to pay you for doing it.

I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.

Never attribute to a conspiracy that which can be explained by incompetence.

Sanity was overrated anyway. No one seemed to have much of it left to begin with.

In the beginning there was nothing. God said, “Let there be light!” And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better. (Think this used to be in Zev's sig)

Sometimes thinking is over-rated. You think and you think but all you do is confuse your thoughts and make it harder to sort them out.

Boys? Girls are evil. What should you do? Don't fight it. Just give in and sign your soul over on the dotted line. It's less painful.

Midknight

12-25-2005, 11:35 PM

Albus frowned. “No one’s getting fired, no one’s getting fixed.” He ignored Sirius pitiful whimper. “I want all members of staff to get along and co-exist, do you understand me?”

Filius helpfully pointed out, “I want world peace, Albus. It doesn’t mean it’s going to happen.”

With a pop, Dobby appeared and handed a magically spinning bowl of green to the little Charms Professor. “Your whirled peas, sir.” He disappeared with a cheeky pop.

“Cool,” Filius exclaimed looking down at the small tornado of vegetables.

Sirius looked upward and began loudly. “I want Celestina Warbeck to boil up some hot strong love-”

“Padfoot!” Harry interrupted. “Not now, please.”

“Later?” He genuinely asked.

“Yes, later.” Harry rolled his eyes. “When you’re alone preferably.”

Sirius frowned with a look of childlike innocence and fear. He whispered to nobody, “that’s when the voices come back.”

Severus from his prone and awkward position on the floor muttered angrily. “If they’re telling you to kill yourself, perhaps you should avoid inciting their wrath.”

=================

arry thought about it, and remembered a conversation he’d had with Luna. He turned to his father and asked, “When did you fall in love with Mum?”

James looked over at Sirius and seemed to be pondering the question. “What was it? About summer after fifth and then start of sixth year?”

“Yup,” Sirius agreed. “As soon as sixth year started, stalker James was in full effect.”

“Hey now! That’s called romance!” James insisted.

Sirius nodded. “If you end up with the girl, then yes. If not, it’s called illegal.”

==============
Remus smiled and jumped in. “I believe James’ response at the opening feast went something like this: ‘What the hell happened to Evans this summer? She just shot like a rocket up the boinkability scale and sprouted a significantly yummalicious rack. Flat butt still although she is a redhead. So I guess I’d better bring a machete, because it’s bound to be a jungle out there.’”
==============

James tensed at the sudden seriousness of his wife. He knew the terror alert level just went up. “Err, you know… redheads like yourself aren’t exactly well known for carefully trimmed hedges.”

Lily watched him in the mirror.

“Well kept foliage.” He added. “Tending to the garden.”

Lily arched an eyebrow. “Are you trying to call me a ‘ho’?”

“No!” James insisted. “Not at all! I’m just saying your pubes were all over place. Looked like you were giving Dumbledore’s chin a run for its money.”

A natural talent in Occlumency allowed Harry to keep his fear and horror hidden.

“So she is a natural redhead?” Sirius asked curiously.

James nodded. “Not even Moses ever saw a bush that flaming before.”

“James!” Lily scolded.

“Yes love?”

“Our son is right here!”

James looked at Harry’s pained face. “He’s seen it before. Hell, he came shooting out of it.”

Harry jumped in and argued, “Yes, well just because you’ve seen a man give birth to a puppy cesarean style, doesn’t make it okay to talk about it among pleasant company.”

“Oh good lord.” James said imagining the horror.

“Thank you, Harry.” Lily said looking worriedly at her son.

“Oh god.” Harry paled. “Is that why you named me that and not Harold?”

James and Lily both blushed and dropped their heads.

“No!” Harry’s frustrations burst forth.

James explained. “Well you were born with nearly a full head of wild black hair, and during the procedure… there were… tangles… with you and your mother.”

Lily smiled weakly. “The Healer said ‘Wow, that is hairy,’ and it sort of stuck.”

“He was probably talking about your gaping vagina!” Harry indignantly claimed.

bah just read chapter 10 of You Did What! by nonjon, lol I'm laughing my ass off atm.

Dark Syaoran

12-26-2005, 09:39 PM

Hell yes! :D

Silke

12-27-2005, 09:54 AM

<Nori123> You don't know jack shit
<VioletSky> That's not true, I know him well
<Nori123> Haha
<VioletSky> I'm serious
<VioletSky> Jack is the son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt Inc. They had one son, Jack. In turn Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, the deeply religious couple produced 6 children
<VioletSky> Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins: Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents' objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out.
<VioletSky> However, after being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later remarried Ted Sherlock and, because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name.
<VioletSky> She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a son of nervous disposition, Chicken Schitt.
<VioletSky> Two other of the 6 children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
<VioletSky> The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse.
<VioletSky> Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
<VioletSky> So there.
<FiPo> LOL
<Nori123> I have actually chortled coke through my nose

:D

Dark Syaoran

12-27-2005, 10:19 AM

I remember that. I was told that back when I was in grade 6.

DaytonDeusBlack

12-27-2005, 11:22 AM

I read that on the net about a week ago.

IndoGhost

12-27-2005, 01:19 PM

“It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.” - Voltaire

“I follow my own convictions.”

“Betrayal; it is a terrible thing… terrible things have terrible prices”

“Death is more universal than life; everyone dies but not everyone lives.”
A. Sachs

“Politeness, n. The most acceptable hypocrisy.”
Ambrose Bierce (1842 - 1914), The Devil's Dictionary

“Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it from a religious conviction.”
Blaise Pascal (1623 - 1662)

"Kill one man, you're a murderer. Kill a million, a King. Kill them all, a god."

“Si vis pacem, para bellum. If you want peace, prepare for war”

"What good is honor to a dead man?"

“I've thrown away hopes for peace.... Taken a weapon into my hands... and chosen the blood-stained path of revenge."

Dark Syaoran

12-27-2005, 09:27 PM

I might use that last quote in my new story. It is called 'Out for Revenge'.

IndoGhost

12-27-2005, 09:37 PM

sweet :D i stole it from gundam wing.... :twisted:

Xiph0

12-28-2005, 09:12 PM

“It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.” - Voltaire

Amen, anybody see the story where the NSA has been tracking anyone that has visited their site via a cookie?

"Kill one man, you're a murderer. Kill a million, a King. Kill them all, a god."

*sigh* Truths are a bitch.

“Si vis pacem, para bellum. If you want peace, prepare for war”

Romans, the greatest Slytherins of all time. The (early) Romans, Greeks, and Scandinavians have been my inspiration for world domination since my first History lesson . :D

__________________________________________________ ______--
From Future Remapped

"You just sounded like Dumbledore." She said, humour laced into her voice.

"Yeah but I'm much better looking." Harry said in an arrogant tone.

"Get over yourself." Lily scoffed.

"How does one get over themselves?" Harry said in a mock old and wise voice. "For one to get over themselves then they would need to alter the fabric of reality or use a simple tool such as a steak knife and slice there legs off and place them on there head."

Xiph0

01-02-2006, 03:51 AM

"Is there any chance, Professor," asked Harry, as they left the room, "that my Magid blood comes from Godric Gryffindor?"

"Old Godric the Grouchy, as my partner Nicholas Flamel used to call him?" said Dumbledore, looking cheerful. "Oh, I doubt it, Harry. He wasn't a Magid. Not at all. Great warrior, of course. Very brave. Always shouting. That was how he terrified the enemy, you know, with his dreadful battle cries."

"I thought it was his courage and tactical brilliance," said Harry.

"Oh, no," said Dumbledore. "All down to shouting, really."

That was brilliant.

Sorry for the double post, but my other one seemed long enough as is.

I LOVE GINNY

01-02-2006, 03:37 PM

ROFLMAO.

Dark Syaoran

01-04-2006, 04:40 AM

“Are you sure it’s a good idea? I don’t know if I’m ready to see something that huge trying to mate.”

“Oh, it’s not so bad,” Luna shrugged, waving her wand over him and casting drying charms. “The female Snorkack’s sex organs are located in her feet, you know.”

Harry goggled at her. “What?”

“Mmm hmm,” she nodded. “You see, if she steps on you, you’re fucked.”

Harry Potter and Luna Lovegood.

IndoGhost

01-06-2006, 01:54 AM

From a naruto fic( you have to know the characters..I thought it was funny as hell):
"No, No! You say who's there!"

Startled Sakura turned to see Naruto strolling out of the forest with an unamused Gaara at his side. Naruto seemed to be working himself into a fit and his voice grew in volume, oblivious that Gaara's right eye was twitching dangerously "Ok, one more time! Knock knock!"

The redheaded ninja paused and cutting his eyes over stared at the blond beside him in what appeared to be a tolerate fashion "Who's there?"

"Boo!" Naruto exclaimed jerking his hands up, then back as sand came swirling up to where the spot where his hands had been. Naruto however was glaring at the dispassionate boy who was staring at him with a raised eyebrow "You're suppose too say 'Boo who?'"

There was a moment of silence and then Gaara repeated what he had been told, "Boo who?"

Grinning ear from ear Naruto shouted his answer, while slapping the other ninjas shoulder "Sorry didn't mean to make you cry!"

Sakura felt herself paling watching the two, wondering how Naruto could miss that dangerous glint in the other ninja’s eyes. For the love of Konoha! That boy had a monster inside of him and he had nearly killed her and Sasuke, what could Naruto be thinking. Then she saw something that made her breath stop and she heard a small gasp from behind her.

"D-did ...did you see that?" Kiba asked softly from beside her and Sakura nodded.

"Gaara...just...smiled?" Temari whispered and Sakura nodded again, thinking that the smile had made him look twenty times more frightening. It didn’t belong on his face, no smile belonged there it was unnatural. It was evil.

Naruto however seemed ignorant of that fact and smiling himself finally spotted them.
...........a little later in the fic....
Several minutes passed silently and then Sakura spoke up, her voice curious "Temari-san, Gaara...does he always smile like that?"

Temari hesitated, and then setting her fan to the side shook her head. “No and generally it’s not a good thing to see him smiling, usually he's plotting a horrible death."

This just cracks me up... :lol:

Dark Syaoran

01-06-2006, 05:37 AM

I was completely lost, lol. But yeah! :D

Midknight

01-08-2006, 12:32 PM

I really hope that God has the capacity for forgiveness that Christians claim, because I am going to test the absolute outer limits.

Dark Syaoran

01-10-2006, 05:33 AM

Voldemort stared at Luna as stunned and appalled as if she had just grown two heads. "I told you to be quiet!"

"I was just trying to help. There's no need to be rude," she said, serenely.

"Could you be any more annoying?" Voldemort snapped.

"Probably," Luna said, looking at him wide-eyed. "Yes, I think I could, if you really want me to, but how would that help?"

Frustrated, Voldemort looked over at Harry, totally flummoxed. "This is what you have taken to your heart? Sirius Black was bad enough, but the fact that you would risk everything for HER is beyond my understanding! Is she always like this?"

"Usually," Harry answered honestly, "but I've gotten used to the way she thinks. She's very loyal and kind."

"Potter, you must be totally mad, if you're really willing to risk everything to keep this girl." Voldemort turned back to Bellatrix, who had been watching Luna, with an expression on her face that was a mixture of fascination and horror.

Harry Potter, Luna Lovegood and Lord Voldemort

Dark Syaoran

01-11-2006, 01:34 AM

"Geesh, what's up with you, Ron? Wait, I know what it is. I should have guessed, really. My favorite younger brother is getting close to manhood, aren't you? Pretty soon your voice will be changing, hair will start growing on your face, and you'll have new and tingly feelings towards girls. Is that it, Ron? Are you getting new and tingly feelings for someone? Maybe, oh, I don't know, Hermione?"

Fred Weasley

Ravage

01-11-2006, 04:50 AM

Dark Syaoran

01-11-2006, 09:40 AM

I cant remember... I was going through the Master List at Fiction Alley and for some reason, I hadnt gone through the Harry/Luna section. It has got a ton of stories.

It's quite funny when you look at it. Harry and Voldemort as equals. Luna and Bellatrix as equals. Rofl. Tom and Harry like their girls a bit gone in the head.

Inexistence

01-15-2006, 10:29 AM

I just read this in Harry Potter and the Summer of Change. It made me laugh quite a bit.

The last Harry saw of Tiki the house-elf that morning was her running out of the newly cleaned living room yelling at the dust to go away.

Silent

01-15-2006, 10:37 AM

Where, where, where is this fic?

It's Of Girls and Goddesses, on the Schnoogle section of Ficttionalley. The author is Jayne1955. That quote is from chapter nine.
http://www.fictionalley.org/authors/jayne1955/OGAG01.html

TheIllusiveOne

01-15-2006, 03:58 PM

*edit

UnholyWarlord

01-15-2006, 06:08 PM

You know what to do laddie, burn the house down, Burn them all!
-Irish little person

That was then, this is dumb
-Daria

TheIllusiveOne

01-15-2006, 08:12 PM

Dumbledore

How could I be anything but fine, professor? Im enjoying my imprisonment here, I can feel the love of my relatives behind all the insults and now im replying to a moronic letter from a manipulative old fart? Merlin, you havent lived unless you've visited here, im simply estatic, so estatic that I might invite Bellatrix and Narcissa for a menage et trois, how do you think I am? Dont reply, I wont bother reading it. Stay out of my life old man

Harry James Potter

Dursleys/Azkaban/Hell'

-Harry's response to Dumbledore asking how he is in a letter in Dark Night by shahenshah2410 (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2131576/1/)

Spacks

01-15-2006, 10:51 PM

BAHAHAHAH!!!

xThornx

01-15-2006, 11:37 PM

suddenly, Draco squeezed Harry's hand as another dilation hit. Draco let out a guttural scream of anguish as Harry cried out, "Just a little more. You're almost there!" Draco got a look of deep concentration on his face, and Harry leaned in and whispered intently, "What? What is it?"

Suddenly, with a plop a large shit covered baby popped of Draco's ass accompanied by the pungent stench of feces.

Harry looked at the pile of dung cradled in his arms, and murmured, "Oh, Draco. He's beautiful. We'll call him James Sirius Lucius Black Malfoy Potter."

Draco smiled broadly and his eyes began to water, partially from the powerful scent of shit in the air and partially with pride.

Albus Dumbledore, Hermione Granger, Severus Snape, The Weasley's, Lord Voldemort, and Bellatrix Lestrange burst into the room, and beamed with pride at the massive turd covered baby.

Shockingly, the baby opened his eyes and began to speak. Everyone was breathless with anticipation. The manure covered baby declared, "You are all retarded. I can't believe anybody read this."

The adults all smiled at each other. Some said "awww."

Ginny leaned forward and made cooing noises.

"Are you all Mad?! I am GROTESQUE!!!" Cried the turd-monster.

But the adults just continued to smile at each other and the baby, as Harry and Draco held each other.

I found this section of A Nasty Birth, hilarious. It can be found in our very own Sick and Perverse section...Oh god rich stuff.

Stalicon

01-16-2006, 02:17 PM

"We're loosing too many of our readers to that damned rag Lovegood owns," a large fat man waved his arms in a comic fashion. "Does anybody have any idea of how we can regain our shrinking market share and bring our profits back up?"
"We could shift our focus away from gossip and barley substantiated rumor," one of the other men suggested. "Maybe the public's apatite for news has changed since the reappearance of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named."
"I like it," the fat man nodded. "The public wants fantasy to get away from the reality of the Dark Lord. It will also cut costs when we fire most of our reporters, who needs reporters when you're just making things up."
Fudge A Monkey?
Our sources reveal that since Fudge's swearing in as Minister of magic, Ministry Potions masters have been receiving regular orders for Polyjuce Potion. This may not seem odd until one points out that Slappy the magical chimp disappeared from his cage the same year that our Minister started Hogwarts. For those that don't remember, Slappy was the chimp that was known to use accidental magic to change the color of his . . . droppings.
____________
Make A Wish

Stalicon

01-16-2006, 03:17 PM

One thousand years ago:

"Thank you for helping us defeat IT," the Wizard addressed the stranger. "Before you go, won't you at least give us your name?"

"Names are unimportant," the wizard in a dark robe replied. "I only did what any would have done if they found themselves in the same situation."

"Then farewell stranger," the Wizard nodded. "Know that you will always be welcome in these lands."

"Thank you . . . friend." The wizard smiled, then jumped on his horse and rode into the sunset. Why oh Why had his parents given him a name like Theodoric the Accident.
__________
Make A Wish

Stalicon

01-16-2006, 06:14 PM

Remembering the shopkeeper's warning, Harry secured the sword to his hip and went digging through his pack for his whip and Pugio.

"Let's see if I can get this thing to work," Harry muttered as he uncoiled the whip. "Hopefully without injuring myself too badly, mental note: get some healing potions."

Giving the whip a few experimental cracks, Harry was pleased to learn that the whip seemed to move according to his will. Sending the tip over his shoulder, Harry frowned as the whip seemed to get caught on a branch or something. Giving it one good tug, he managed to get it free and returned it to his belt.

"Practice," he muttered to himself. "I need more practice."

Shaking his head, Harry began walking towards the distant lights that he hoped indicated some sort of town or inn.

Behind him, two vampires were frozen in shock. Only seconds ago, they had watched as the stranger's whip wrapped around their leader's neck and decapitated what they had thought was an extraordinary powerful vampire.

"Backup?" Whispered one.

"Not even then," replied the other. "Let someone else have this one."

"I think you're right," the first was still staring at the spot the stranger had been standing on. "He didn't even bother to look back, he just . . . just killed. Not many people can do something like that."

"I never liked Vlad anyway," the second shrugged. "What kind of Vampire picks such a stereotypical name?"

"And it's not like the stranger was after us," the second agreed. "He let us go, most humans with that kind of skill would have killed the both of us for even thinking about jumping him."

"Should we warn Volos?"

"Let him die," the vampire laughed. "Never liked him either."
__________________
Make A Wish

DaytonDeusBlack

01-17-2006, 04:32 AM

Heh. Make a Wish is a Godly story...yeah but can you please not type in blue? It hurts the eyes....

Dark Syaoran

01-17-2006, 05:35 AM

“Moody hit you with the Paveris Hex?” Draco asked.

“No,” Snape said acidly, “Moody cast the curse, and the boy let himself get hit by it.”

Harry snarled at him half heartedly, his mood starting to get the better of him. “I’d like to see you do better, Batman.”

Harry Potter, Draco Malfoy and Severus Snape

Aura

01-17-2006, 07:51 AM

From Kinsfire's Ties of Blood:

“Excuse me?” James said. “He sends Harry to Azkaban for twelve hours, and then Harry was supposed to willingly go, for a more permanent sentence? What, for the good of the wizarding world or something?”

“Given how Cornelius's mind works -”

“When it does,” Remus muttered darkly.

Too true...

Dark Syaoran

01-18-2006, 04:01 AM

Remus grinned. "I dug out your books from the attic. I paid a visit to Diagon Alley and got your robes. Cauldron is in your room, wand you already have. Owl... well... not a good idea after Romulus... god rest his soul..."

Ryan licked his lips at the memory. "I warned him not to wake me up like that.."

"Funny how I never heard him.." Remus said suspiciously.

"You're just a heavy sleeper.." Ryan said shiftily.

"Remind me to ban you from the Owlery when we get to school, would you?" Remus said casually, returning to his paper.

Remus Lupin and Ryan Lupin(Harry Potter)

-x-X-x-

BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP ...

"Argh!" Remus awoke in blind panic, whipping his wand off the bedside cabinet. He was so twisted in his sheets that when he tried to jump out of bed he merely flopped pathetically to the floor in a crumpled heap. "What the fuck is that! Ryan! We're being attacked!"

Remus Lupin

ip82

01-28-2006, 07:34 AM

Check out Ron the fluff-powered magical doomsday device!

...watching from the tree’s Fawkes had been the only living person to survive Ron’s final onslaught of magical energy- literally exploding with magic and crying out Hermione’s name as he died. The Death Eaters hadn’t stood a chance.

Oh, this is from Lost Time by Oddball-no.2 (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2699328/1/).

Xiph0

01-28-2006, 07:45 AM

God I hope thats a parody, if not would you mind to much if I emailed him your avatar?

ip82

01-28-2006, 07:49 AM

God I hope thats a parody, if not would you mind to much if I emailed him your avatar?

Not a parody... just an incredibly sappy part from an incredibly sappy story I've just tried reading. And yes, you can send her the finger, but I doubt that would stop her from writting more mushy crap.

nonjon

01-28-2006, 10:57 AM

...watching from the tree’s Fawkes had been the only living person to survive Ron’s final onslaught of magical energy- literally exploding with magic and crying out Hermione’s name as he died. The Death Eaters hadn’t stood a chance.

You just need to train your brain to filter those bits out, or you'll never enjoy 95% of the fanfiction out there.

See, when I read it, my brain just picks up the highlights that matter.

1). Fawkes is a person (hmm okay)
2). Ron cried. Hermione's name in my head was "My sugary sweet bumpy lumpkins" which is much better than "Hermione."
3). Ron's dead! He's really dead! His death was useful, but he's dead!
4). From now on mentions of Ron or Hermione in the story should be run through the 'sappy crappy angst' filter before processed.

And so now, I can continue reading the story relatively unimpeded and unaffected by uninteresting teenage interpretations of emotions. Ta-da!

Just can't figure out the kinks in my 'slash' filter still.

Aura

01-28-2006, 12:44 PM

You just need to train your brain to filter those bits out, or you'll never enjoy 95% of the fanfiction out there.

See, when I read it, my brain just picks up the highlights that matter.

1). Fawkes is a person (hmm okay)
2). Ron cried. Hermione's name in my head was "My sugary sweet bumpy lumpkins" which is much better than "Hermione."
3). Ron's dead! He's really dead! His death was useful, but he's dead!
4). From now on mentions of Ron or Hermione in the story should be run through the 'sappy crappy angst' filter before processed.

And so now, I can continue reading the story relatively unimpeded and unaffected by uninteresting teenage interpretations of emotions. Ta-da!

Oh gosh, that's worth a laugh.

ip82

01-28-2006, 01:10 PM

Master Slytherin

01-28-2006, 01:38 PM

See, when I read it, my brain just picks up the highlights that matter.

1). Fawkes is a person (hmm okay)
2). Ron cried. Hermione's name in my head was "My sugary sweet bumpy lumpkins" which is much better than "Hermione."
3). Ron's dead! He's really dead! His death was useful, but he's dead!
4). From now on mentions of Ron or Hermione in the story should be run through the 'sappy crappy angst' filter before processed.

And so now, I can continue reading the story relatively unimpeded and unaffected by uninteresting teenage interpretations of emotions. Ta-da!

Hehe. You're one of the lucky ones. I seemed to have developed a strike system:

Every moment where I cringe is worth one strike.
If I close my eyes in disgust, that's 2 strikes.
If I laugh, one more possible strike added to total strikes possible.
and so on...

Basically, 3 strikes and you're out.

Not many stories have lasted longer than the first chapter. Some are even out in a paragraph!

Quack

01-28-2006, 06:01 PM

I think I managed to read to the end of chapter 1 in that story. And, unfortunately, nonjon's method won't work in this story, the rest of the muggle lovers get revived, - or are spirits of some sort - and are sent back in time to save the world! Wheeeeee.

nonjon

01-28-2006, 08:22 PM

I'm completely picturing the dirty hippies.

"Dude! Dude! Come on... tell me have you ever read stained-future?"

"Course I have man! It's crap! Complete crap! But I can't stop reading it!"

"But dude! Dude, hang on. Have you ever read stained-future... on weed!"

Admittedly, I've got to read something at work during the down times. And it didn't take long to run out of really good fics. So you gotta find a way to fight through the excessive amounts of romance somehow. Just hours and hours of training your brain how to skip over paragraphs and catch any semi-important bits.

If I had a strike system, I doubt I could even read hardly anything. Course it's fun to re-read the really good fics too. Some of them you realize, if you had read them now for the first time, you would have hated them and not even finished them. At least my tastes have changed since I started in on fanfic.

Course for a cool quotes thread, I think I've strayed a bit too much. So here's a cool quote for you:

"It matters not, muggle. Lord Voldemort wants pizza. Delivery."

Inexistence

01-29-2006, 11:46 AM

'Even though Blaise and Harry were happy with the fact that they were both magical Trevor and Manuel...'

Coincidence how the comma was conveniantly missed out that time.

Everyone loves, Magical Trevor
'cos the tricks that he does are ever so clever.
Look at him now, disappearing a cow
Where is the cow, hidden right now?

Dark Syaoran

02-04-2006, 12:22 AM

Stringing together a bunch of runes had one of three effects: nothing could happen, anything could happen, or both. Harry had tried to mix a long string of time runes and transportation and had experimented with an apple. When he wrote the runes using his index and middle finger, the words had burned into the air like a dying flame; the colors of the deepest pale blue. He had been intelligent enough to attach the runes for "apple" that directed the spell towards said apple, or else he probably would have just created a reason for the Ministry of Magic to throw him permanently into Azkaban.

The apple disappeared when he cast the spell. Unfortunately, when the apple reappeared a week later, it was completely deformed, wasted away with a strange etched on the apple's surface. He took time to examine and research this as well, and after sneaking into the Restricted Section of the library one night, he found that the symbol belonged to a deity called Cronus, the keeper of time. Harry felt a shudder go through his body when he realized that this deity was probably VERY pissed off at him and as much as he wanted to go home, he put off experimenting with runes for a long while afterwards.

Harry's POV

ip82

02-04-2006, 12:33 AM

Dark Syaoran

02-04-2006, 02:49 AM

Story I was just reading. Harry gets sucked into an AU. It was pretty good up until chapter 29... it's still good but I just didnt like where it was going. Too many people were making the leap into where Harry went.

I can handle Voldemort following him and Draco because Voldemort made him tag along, but as soon as Ron and Hermione went I couldnt continue.

It's called 'Vocare Prabia' and is located here. (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/1542080/1/)

Dark Syaoran

02-05-2006, 03:58 AM

It took another three weeks to find young Harry, who it turned out was in Belgium traveling with a group of soccer hooligans in a stolen double decker bus.

Harry's POV

Euro Trip! I swear this scene was influenced by that! That's from Blot's new story.

Nymph

02-05-2006, 10:51 PM

Taken from Lord of Caer Azkaban, chapter 18
It was a scene that was repeated numerous times around the country, though nowhere was it more chaotic then in the town of Ottery St. Catchpole here much of the Weasley clan was gathered.

The flock had perched around the dining room and watched the family with an unblinking stare; the silence was broken by the appearance of the youngest Weasley who, upon taking in the situation sprang into action.

The assembled family watched in shock as Ginny fearlessly confronted one of the strange messengers, and their shock only deepened when they heard her speak.

“How cute” she squealed as she gathered one of the uglier birds into a hug “who’s a pretty birdie, you’re a pretty birdie.”

“Ginny, do you think you should be touching it like that” Molly asked concerned for her daughter’s welfare “after all, you don’t know where it’s been.”

“There could never be anything wrong with this cutie” the youngest Weasley responded, heedless of the potential danger “what do you have on your leg, did you bring a letter to me, what a smart birdie you are.”

Removing the letter from the bird’s leg, Ginny read it and turned to her family “it’s from Hermione; she’s inviting us to Harry’s birthday party.”

Ginny’s pronouncement at the origin of the disreputable looking birds broke the ice and within minutes the Weasley family had written out their responses to the invitations.

Giving them to the birds, they watched in relief as one by one they left the Weasley home.

“Ginny” Molly asked her daughter slowly “don’t you think it’s time for the bird to be on its way?”

“I’m sure Harry won’t mind if he stays here a bit longer” Ginny said as the fed the ugly bird a morsel from her plate “he’s just so cute that I want to spend as much time with him as possible.”

“All right then” Molly said weakly to her youngest “as long as he gets home soon.”

“Ok mum” Ginny agreed “do you think Harry would mind telling me where he found him?”

“I don’t know dear” Molly said trying to keep her composure “maybe you should ask him when we go to the party.”

“I will mom” Ginny nodded enthusiastically as the continued to lavish attention on the bird “you’re such a cutie, yes you are, yes you are.”

:? :shock: :?:

Dark Syaoran

02-06-2006, 03:17 AM

Thats pretty disturbing...

radioactive

02-06-2006, 09:05 AM

Funny as all hell is what it is, trust Ginny Weasly to take an immediate infatuation to weird, twisted, dark looking messanger birds from Azkaban. Add the fact that they're probably steeped in Harry Potter Pheromones (R) and there you go. Ginny blubbering with affection. :puke: :GDie1

Rhea

02-28-2006, 09:34 AM

'Get on with it!'

"You could be the greatest wizard in all the world."

'I don't want to be the greatest wizard, I want my dinner.'

James Potter; the Sorting

Harry gave the nuts a suspicious look.

Hermione suddenly thought of something that made her eyes go wide. Ron, who was sitting next to her, squeezed her hand.

“ What’s wrong, love? You look like you’ve just remembered you didn’t do your Charms essay.”

“ Don’t be ridiculous, Ron,” She said with a frown, “ I’d never forget to do an essay.

"Who are you? You don't know who I am, boy?"

Harry looked at the figure strangely. His anger was now being replaced by curiousity.

"No."

"I am the Dark Lord Voldemort!"

Harry blinked in the rain.

"Dunno."

The black figure who called himself the Dark Lord Voldemort looked offended.

Deathly Unlikely by blood-fangs-of-doom

“We’re going to that big white building over there,” said Ella. “That’s Gringotts.” She led them to the building, and the girls managed to disturb the goblin guards by cooing over how ‘cute’ they were.

Voldemort felt a sense of sick curiosity. He had not yet attacked, so why was anyone in the house screaming?

ip82

02-28-2006, 09:38 AM

From which story(s) are these?

Ravage

03-07-2006, 12:34 PM

Oh man, you're not the only who wants to know that man, that's some great stuff though.

nonjon

03-07-2006, 01:29 PM

Harry gave the nuts a suspicious look.

I think this one came from about three dozen different slash fics.

Rhea

03-07-2006, 05:31 PM

The first one is from Adagio for Strings by Cassiopiea, the "cute" goblins are from Harry Potter and the Harem of Honeys by szordara. The rest? I kinda forgot to write it down....

Fine! -grumbles- I didn't forget, I was too lazy. Couldn't be bothered to click copy-paste twice. I have a bunch of cool quotes but without the source. The only reason why I know these two is because I read them recently.

Here's another one, without the source though...

Indeed, was Dobby got over the shock of seeing five of him, he seemed to get even more excited. Apparently, if serving one Harry Potter was an honor, than serving five was even better. Odd house elf logic.

Ravage

04-18-2006, 10:20 AM

Oh, Oh I know this one it's "Harry Potter and the Dance of the Warrior", or someting like that, I think.

Crazy1

04-18-2006, 11:11 AM

Harry potter and the gray lord, actually, a great fic though, until pussy!Harry made his appearance :puke:

ip82

04-22-2006, 11:49 PM

It has been a long time since I've had good enough quote to bump this topic.

This one is from Murder at Malfoy Manor by Sophiax.

‘You’ve read Hogwarts: A History?’ [Voldemort] asked.

[Hermione] smiled wistfully. ‘Oh, yes. It’s my favourite book.’

‘Mine too!’ Voldemort said, then cleared his throat. ‘I especially enjoy the chapter on the changing enchantments and hidden rooms.’

‘Chapter Twenty-six!’ Hermione exclaimed.

‘I have a first edition.’

‘Really?’ Hermione squeaked. ‘How in the world did you find it?’

‘Stole it from the possessions of some old lady I murdered.’

‘Oh.’ Hermione realised what he had said, and a mix of horror and sympathy played across her face.

ip82

04-23-2006, 04:23 PM

Another one. From Dumbledore's Payback by Laume (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2793402/1/). Cool one-shot.

“Alright. So a child comes to you and tells you a problem. What do you do? Albus?”

“I erm…offer a lemon drop?”

The rest of the class groaned.

“Ye-es, but after that?”

“After that I offer some really vague advice and twinkle at them?”

The majority of the class was now banging their heads on the tables.

“Albus…this is childcare 101. Have you ever even SEEN a child?” the teacher asked exasparated.

“Well…I did work as a teacher and headmaster for about 100 years,” Albus offered.

“That must’ve been a disaster,” one of the other students said through clenched teeth.

“Enough for today. Homework, read chapters 10 and 11. Albus…I have some complementary reading for you…”

About a dozen books were thrust in the headmasters hands.

“Thank you, my boy,” the headmaster twinkled at the pale and desperate teacher.

Lady Almaren

04-27-2006, 04:23 PM

I have one from Harry Potter and the Overdone Plot Devices:
Lily Evans is home alone feeling neglected by her sickeningly perfect husband who she really really loves even though she has had affairs with all his friends, and possibly Voldemort too. James is off doing something incredibly noble that involves vanquishing evil. She is wearing a very sexy negligee.

~~I know that’s what I always wear when I’m alone and pitying myself~~

Snape enters.

“Severus, what are you doing here?” She gasps.

“Despite the fact that there is no canon evidence to support it, I have always been completely in love with you to the point of obsession!”

“Even though I don’t love you, I still might shag you so that my already emotionally screwed up kid can learn about his true parentage when he turns sixteen…..No, but we mustn’t!” She makes a few token protests so we don’t think she’s a complete slut, but we all know they’re going to shag anyway.

Here's another from my all-time favorite :The Ultimate Harry Potter Cliche Catalogue:
~ HARRY is DROWNING in SELF-PITY. In fact, it is SO BAD that he has started using INTOLERABLY BAD METAPHORS ~

HARRY

My life is like swimming through a hubcap full of infected toenails. Every morning I wake to a pain in my heart that is as intense as a fire in a lingerie factory.

ixazncha0six

04-27-2006, 04:32 PM

Can I have links to those stories Lady Almaren?

Lady Almaren

04-27-2006, 04:37 PM

Harry Potter Cliche Catalogue: http://www.fictionalley.org/authors/clam_chowder/TUHPCC.html

Harry Potter and the Overdone Plot Devices: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/1788260/1/

Crazy1

04-29-2006, 12:57 PM

This one isn't HP, but when i heard it it was really funny;
FORD: I’ll take that as a yes. So how do we find them once we land?
SHEPPARD: Well I’ve been thinking about that too ... (On the wall beside him, a panel opens to reveal a small hand-sized device with a screen on it. He takes the device off the wall, looks at it and then puts it into his jacket pocket.) Now I’m thinking about a nice turkey sandwich.
(Sheppard and Ford look around the cabin but nothing else materialises.)
FORD: Worth a try.
It's from SG:A, if you didn't guess, in Rising pt. 2.

Niffler Lord

04-30-2006, 03:23 AM

Make a Wish (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2318355/1/)by Rorschach's Blot

The bikers watched as Harry took one last look around before pulling out of the parking lot. And they froze in shock as the form of Harry's Motorcycle seemed to twist into that of a translucent stallion.

"I don't believe it." The biker looked down at the bottle in his hand, then returned his his gaze to the retreating Mr. Black. "On a pale horse he rides, on a pale steel horse he rides . . . they say that every time you get on your bike you ride with death and we . . . and this time, we actually did."

Harry Potter and the Dream Come True (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/1350670/1/) by grand admiral chelli

"That will be all, Potter," Professor Umbridge told Harry sweetly. "Show yourself and your friends out of this office immediately."

Fred and George cast beseeching glances at their Head of House, but Professor McGonagall looked away, lips pressed together in barely restrained outrage. The twins exchanged a look, before turning to, for some reason, Harry, as if expecting him to do something miraculous to save them. Harry decided to prove their faith justified.

"No," Harry announced bluntly, causing Umbridge's eyes to widen in surprise.

"What did you say, Potter?" the toad-like witch demanded sweetly, leaning forward in a failed attempt to appear intimidating. "Refusing is not one of your options. I suggest you leave before I punish you even more for defying a professor."

"No," Harry repeated. "I will not."

"Potter," McGonagall said warningly.

"Dolores Umbridge is an incompetent buffoon and Ministry spy who should never have come to Hogwarts in the first place," Harry said politely, as if he were merely stating facts… which he was, coincidentally. "I have been waiting these past few months in hopes that Professor Dumbledore would remove her from Hogwarts by his own means, and this is the only reason why I haven't done anything sooner."

.:Except for attacking Umbridge in the middle of the Entrance hall:. Decimare reminded Harry, who sighed.

'Don't distract me,' he reproved. Decimare fell silent.

"But things have finally gone too far," Harry continued. "By introducing the High Inquisitor post, Professor Umbridge has overstepped her boundaries for the last time, and I will not stand for it. Not only does the post diminish the power of the teachers, it will be held by a woman whose sense of morals and justice are roughly equivalent to those of a toad."

The Weasley twins couldn't help themselves. "A toad?" they chorused.

"In that they are slimy, disgusting, and altogether unpleasant," Harry elaborated.

Professor Umbridge seemed beside herself with fury. "You will pay for that, Potter! I'm going to suspend you for the rest of your natural life-"

"Hardly," Harry interrupted scathingly. "You will do nothing of the sort. Professor McGonagall?"

McGonagall, who had been watching the proceedings with growing unease, replied, "What is it, Potter?"

"I am lodging a formal complaint against High Inquisitor Dolores Umbridge," Harry said firmly.

"He can't do that!" Umbridge protested.

"Yes, I can," Harry snapped. "Read the rulebook, Umbridge, and you'll find I'm completely in the right."

He fixed Umbridge with a fierce glare. "I want Dolores Umbridge removed from the post of High Inquisitor of Hogwarts, and the post permanently dissolved."

"Preposterous," Umbridge huffed.

"It is out of our hands, Potter," McGonagall told Harry with slight regret, as she clearly hated Umbridge as much as he did.

"It is not out of Headmaster Dumbledore's, though," Harry countered.

"Albus Dumbledore will not go against the Ministry just because you don't like me, Potter!" Umbridge bellowed.

"Fine," Harry agreed. "Then I'm laying down an ultimatum. If the post of High Inquisitor is not dissolved, I will leave."

Silence blanketed the room.

Then Umbridge snorted derisively. "And what makes you think we care what you do with your sad little life, Potter? Just because your idiot father's alive again doesn't mean you'll suddenly get everything you want. Deal with it."

Harry regarded his professor silently for a moment. "Fine," he said, then turned to McGonagall. "Tell Dumbledore, Professor. If he won't get rid of Umbridge by himself, then this will force his hand."

"Potter," McGonagall said sternly, but Harry was already stepping away towards the wall opposite the door. "What do you hope to accomplish by this? It can't possibly work!"

"We'll see," was all Harry said.

"Where will you go?" she exclaimed.

Harry's lips twitched. "That, Professor, is why my plan will succeed. Good bye Professor, Fred, George. Tell Dumbledore my ultimatum."

With that, Decimare hissed a password in Parseltongue too softly for human ears to decipher, and to everyone except Harry's shock, the wall began to shudder and a passage materialized out of nowhere. Harry saluted the twins, nodded to McGonagall, and gave Umbridge a smug grin, before turning and disappearing into the shadows of the secret passage.

Crazy1

04-30-2006, 09:55 AM

Harry Potter and the Dream Come True

“Not a problem my boy, but do try to refrain from calling in Minerva every time you want me to do something?”

James raised his hands in mock-surrender. “Hey, don’t look at me, Albus, she came of her own accord. I had nothing to do with it.”

Dumbledore sighed. “Why don’t I believe you?”

Lady Almaren

04-30-2006, 10:02 AM

Here's one from Slave of Dragons http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2553767/1/:

The door banged open and walking in like some off runway model was Gilderoy Lockhart. Today he wore shiny baby blue robes with a matching hat perched perfectly on his head. He smiled at them and Harry threw up a hand in front of his eyes to block his sight from the whiteness of those teeth. He had them whitened a tad bit too much, Harry thought. His smile was a like a fucking strobe light.

And heres another:
Lockhart literally sized Harry up with his eyes, the smile still not leaving his face. “Another famous person in our midst! What a joy it must be for you to be in my presence,” he smiled benevolently, running a hand through his hair. “Being an older celebrity, I must imagine you try to model yourself after me. I am the model embodiment of class and charm.”

Harry blinked. Then blinked again. Was he hearing what he thought he was hearing? He looked sideways at Terry and Kevin and their disbelieving looks confirmed that he wasn’t imagining this. Good. Because he didn’t want to sound crazy when he gave his reason for punching Lockhart in the throat.

Crazy1

04-30-2006, 10:44 AM

Another from Harry Potter and the Dream Come True,
“I’m back,” he said unnecessarily, giving the professors his best smile. McGonagall scowled.

“And where did you go, exactly, Potter?”

“I have no idea,” Harry said brightly. “I can’t remember a thing. I suspect I was kidnapped by aliens.”

Fuegodefuerza

05-13-2006, 11:40 AM

This one is awesome.

“This is the famous seer Ima Totalfraud. She lived in isolation on top of a mountain and fasted for a month and then began seeing visions.” The figure slowly began to speak. “Lo, the fates have spoken that it shall come to pass, that it has been foretold, that it will come to pass, that the red-haired one shall discover her heart’s deepest love in the dragon of the slicked-hair. Forsooth, they shalt be wed, and from their union will come many, many, many, many bad fanfictions.”

From Harry Potter and the Overdone Plot Devices: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/1788260/8/

Dark Prince

07-18-2006, 01:57 PM

My favorite quotes come from Harry Potter and the Defiance of the Hero:

Allarius laughed, his grin growing. “Existence is cruel, Harry... but I didn’t invent it.”
Harry stood up for what would be the final time in the field of black roses, glancing warily at the demon. “No, you’re just here to make sure it’s destroyed.”
Allarius, still smiling, crossed his hands before him. “What can I say to that? Slap the cuffs on, Harry. Guilty as charged. Looks like the gallows for ol’ Allarius.”
“Why?” Harry asked with a strain.
“Well...” Allarius clicked his heels together and spun his cloak around in a billowing cloud. “I guess I just get a kick out of hearing a billion voices screaming in unison.”

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Allarius flashed its familiar grin. “Destruction... floods, earthquakes, volcanic eruptions. Saddle up, pup, it’s a special on Armageddon – buy one get one free.”

-------------------------------------------------------------------

"Special on Armageddon, folks. Free, can only be used once – but you get your money’s worth."

-------------------------------------------------------------------

-Harry Potter and Allarius
Harry Potter and the Defiance of the Hero by Joe6991
(Part Two of the Hero Trilogy)

]

DarthBill

07-18-2006, 08:43 PM

I want to post something from my own story, but I know that would be arrogent. That said:

“I mean, that tonight, I am going down that trap door, and I’m going to steal that stone before Quirrell can.”

“Oh, but you can’t! You’ll be expelled for sure!” exclaimed Hermione.

“Well, there are more important things happening right now. I’m not asking you to come with me, but I’m definitely going. Besides, I want to prove to McGonagall how ineffective her almighty protections are.”

Hermione sighed. “Trust you to save the world out of spite. Fine, I’ll go with you.”

Edit: Yay! I'm finally a Death Eater.

Leibhaftige Finsternis

07-19-2006, 11:21 AM

These are some quotes that I liked...

I'd Kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Keep smiling. It makes people wonder what you're up to.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

The early bird may get the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

I intend to live forever -- so far, so good.

When everything is coming your way, your in the wrong lane.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Leibhaftige Finsternis

07-26-2006, 05:33 AM

This is from Chapter 3 of Darkness Unleashed by MadnessPersonified

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3031704/3/

I figured I would post this one here, simply because of the death by kitchen utensils theme.

"Accio kitchen utensils," said Harry without a wand or replacement wand in hand. After a second pause, the kitchen utensils zipped off the shelf, flying through Dudley, and impaling him, causing Dudley to die instantly. And what was worse, Dudley didn't get any cake before he died.

KeshinNoAkui

07-28-2006, 04:07 PM

Not from a HP story, but I found it quite funny nonetheless.

The parrot on Shanker’s shoulder then gave a squawk and said, “NO WAI!”

Shanker blinked, and then looked at his parrot, before turning back to Kylia.

“Do ye get the feeling that we’ve just been the subject o’ a rather tasteless joke?”

Kylia and Kira sweat dropped, “Yes…” the dark-haired girl said.

KANE

07-28-2006, 06:43 PM

I'm sure we're all familiar with the works of Lunakatrina:

Harry rolled his eyes and opened the door, staring at the two men and the woman behind it…mainly at their strange dress. They wore long draping…dresses? Mainly black, and the old man who couldn’t be less than two hundred with a beard doing down to there was dressed in bright green and magenta with a tall pointed hat that effectively countered his beard. Harry tilted his head and fought the urge to slam the door shut.

“What in hell are you selling?”

“It’s a house elf,” Auntie Minerva replied, unfazed, “she’ll be getting us food.”

“Whoa, that thing is going to be around my food?” Harry demanded as he pushed himself off the floor, “That thing’s like a special effect gone way, way wrong…or some distant insect relative of Yoda. That thing’s too scary for Sesame Street, the kids would have nightmares—”

“The thing’s name is Lucy,” Auntie Minerva cut in sharply.

Harry didn’t stop for breath and finished, “Hi, my name’s Harry, it’s nice to meet you Lucy.”

“Oh Lucy is very happy to be meeting you too!” The elf squeaked happily, “MISTER HARRY POTTER SIR! Lucy did not ever think Lucy would get to meet Mister Harry Potter, sir, the others will be so excited—"

Then the thing just popped right out of existence just as quickly as it’d appeared. Harry’s brows shot up and he turned to stare at Auntie Minerva.

"What," Harry demanded, "do you feed these things? Do they all act like they're on crack or do they just take steroids or something?"

“They just enjoy cooking and cleaning to an almost zealous degree,” Auntie Minerva replied, blandly, and then the elf appeared with piles of sweets and tea.

“Lucy is brining all things that little boys like eating,” She declared, “Lucy will be very pleased to bring anything yous be needing.”

Then she popped away again and Harry asked, “Are they so zealous about cooking I shouldn’t eat the food for fear of strange bodily fluids?”

Auntie Minerva coughed on her tea and set it back down on the table and Harry grinned as he realized she hadn’t thought of that before.

“I mean if they get that happy at the prospect of cooking, then it would only make sense that they might get off by actually cooking,” Harry continued, “I mean it’s like going out to a restaurant—you never know whether or not someone’s done it at your table…or if a girl wore a short skirt and no underwear…or do you not have to worry about elves that way because they’re incapable of getting that excited.”

“Wait one minute!” Harry exclaimed feeling cheated, “what about the pottery?”

“What pottery?” the two women asked, looking at him like he was a bit strange, well, in Harry’s humble opinion they were a bit strange.

“You know, the pottery that the Potters made,” Harry replied, “I thought there was pottery involved with my name.”

“No, at least not for a very, very long while,” Auntie Minerva replied thoughtfully.

“Then why am I called Harry Potter?” Harry demanded, “It’s incredibly stupid, because I’ve never touched a bit of clay in my life! I’m not a Potter and apparently no one else in my family was either. I demand to be named something pertinent to my current position!”

Harry received blank looks.

“If I’m going to be named after an occupation than I should at least be named after an occupation people in my family and I actually have!” Harry explained, “I insist my name be changed immediately!”

“To what, exactly,” Ruebella demanded, looking thoughtful and quite intrigued with the idea, much to Auntie Minerva’s chagrin.

Harry hadn’t expected that, and he thought fast.

“Harry…Wizard! I will be Harry Wizard, the boy-who-lived-to-change-his-name-to-something-pertinent!”

“So where exactly do you people hail from anyway?” Harry asked curiously, “the town of Weasel? And kudos on the hair, I’m sure it took years of specialized breeding to get that one, right?

Harry heard some kid mutter about wrestling trolls and Harry rolled his eyes and declared, “Are you daft? You’re going to be putting on a hat; I suppose it could be something terrible if you’re worried something fierce about getting lice. Although, I’m personally more worried about getting my hair greasy from Malfoy’s gel — right on with the bad villain look, by the way, Malfoy. I love B-rated movies like you inbreeders love your cousins. But, we’re all related here so we know exactly what I mean, am I right?”

There were plenty more but I wouldn't have been able to fit them ALL in.

Khantael

07-29-2006, 07:49 PM

From a fic I doubt (m)any of you have read due to the pairing, from the ever quoteable lunakatrina (segments of various chapters from Something Lost, Something Found):

“I fail to see the educational value of this,” A Ravenclaw girl, Tycanea, said.

“Problem solving abilities, my dear,” Auntie Carrie replied, unruffled, as she breezed past her and lead the small class down the hallway. “Quite, simple. You have a problem with someone—throw electric blue goo at them and problem solved.”

“And how many problems have you solved like that?” Tycanea demanded.

“More than I should probably admit to impressionable young people,” Auntie Carrie replied, with an amused, slightly disconnected smile on her face. “But, I once threw electric blue goo on a lover of mine that cheated—and needless to say he never cheated on anyone ever again, and he’s also horrifically afraid of the color blue. A wonderful solution to a problem if I do say so myself.”

And another:

“He has [let me borrow you in exchange for another student's life],” Voldemort replied, “I must apologize in advance,” Voldemort added to Harry, pushing through the crowd of shocked and betrayed teachers dragging Harry behind him, “I might not be very hospitable. I’ve never had a live hostage before.”

“Dumbledore!” Harry yelled, digging his nails into the arm that was holding him and anchoring his feet to slow him down, “If I ever see you again, I’m going to strangle you with my bare hands!”

They rounded the corner and were now out of sight, all of the teachers were glaring at Dumbledore.

“Don’t you dare turn into a duck again!”

“I’m a goose! I’m a Norwegian White Goose! And I will turn into a goose any-fucking-time I want!”

Yet another:

According to Harry’s mind Fudge would be the easiest, most nutritional target.

Speaking of Fudge, he looked ready to pee in his pants…so he wasn’t likely to run.

“Arrest him!” Fudge squeaked—Harry was reminded of Dudley.

“Now, Cornelius,” Dumbledore said kindly, “let’s not jump to conclusions.”

“The boy’s a vampire and he’s looking at me like I’m dinner!” Fudge yelled, “Vampires have to be registered or they get arrested, and he was not registered!”

And finally:

“You mean you killed a woman,” Fudge interjected.

“Did you?” Sin asked Harry sounding very surprised and looking very proud.

“Well, yeah, but she was trying to kill me,” Harry repeated.

Sin nodded and offhandedly asked, “Kinky woman, said she painted her nails red for you?”

Harry nodded looking like he couldn’t decide whether to laugh or run.

Lord Apophis

07-30-2006, 04:02 PM

From lunakatrina

Silence ensued once more and then Harry decided to give the food a shot and asked, “Someone please pass the salt…or do you think it’s taking too much of a chance—eating something white that the house-elves have been at?”

Two things happened very fast, most of the people stared at either their plates or Harry, and Harry found himself gagging on soap suds.

Auntie Minerva pointed at him and said, firmly, “I told you not to talk like that again, young man.”

Lord Apophis

07-31-2006, 01:43 PM

This one is from Darkness Unleashed by MadnessPersonified

He tried to do Snape..."

"Rephrase your choice of words Wormtail, that last phrase gave me the chills," said Voldemort shuddering at the very thought of those two doing anything like that.

"I apologize my lord, he tried to jerk Snape off out of..." said Wormtail.

"Not like that either," said Voldemort. "I'm warning you Wormtail; don't make me put you under the Cruciatias."

"Well, he had Snape by the balls and he nearly blew..."

"CRUCIO!" yelled Voldemort. He could not take any more of the dirty, gutter minded thoughts at Harry Potter and Severus Snape that was going through his mind. Not that there was anything wrong with that but Snape was just disgusting and could have been Potter's father. "Get to the point Wormtail and stop putting images of Potter and Snape doing something unnatural in my head."

You want what? by lunakatrina

“So really,” Malfoy asked again, “what does it mean?”

The lights in the station flickered off, they’d managed to get tickets and were halfway to Winchester, but they had a bit of a layover so they’d ran off to McDonalds, much to Draco’s chagrin. Now they were back at the station and the sun was just now beginning to rise.

Hermione snickered and put her biscuit down on the wrapping it came in and replied, “Exactly what it says: baby’s mother, Snape’s baby’s mother, basically the person who had his baby.”

“Ooh,” Draco hissed empathetically turning to look at Harry, “you have to have a baby?”

“Within eighteen months,” Harry replied.

“Wow,” Draco muttered and he calmly returned to licking jelly out of the little packet, “rotten luck you have.”

Draco appeared to think about this for a moment and then asked, “Is that even possible?”

“I certainly hope not,” Harry replied and he returned to tucking into his chicken biscuit. “Could you imagine the mechanics of it?” Harry asked disgusted.

“I’m eating!” Hermione yelled staring at Harry, “I don’t need to think about the mechanics of a baby popping out from somewhere it shouldn’t pop out of!”

The talk of babies “popping out” of places produced some disturbing images in Harry’s mind...like projectile birth, which would be sort of like projectile vomiting except with a baby, and not out of a mouth…which produced even more disturbing images and Harry decided he needed to wash his brain out, quickly.

Leibhaftige Finsternis

08-06-2006, 10:20 AM

This is pretty good. The fic it came from was abandoned over a year ago, and I stumbled onto it.

‘Potter, you could join us, you could be great’ Bellatrix couldn’t help but giggle at yet another ‘speech’ Voldemort was making.

Her new-master bowed mockingly at the Dark Lord and begun a ‘speech’ of his very own.

‘Why of course, absolutely’ he said, sarcasm just dripping from every word ‘why would I not join you, first you kill my parents, then you try to kill, you almost killed one of the Weasleys, you killed Cedric Diggory, yet again trying to kill me, basically you’re a very bad boy, I suppose you ruined my life as well, why wouldn’t I join you’

Voldemort actually looked hopeful.

‘What a fucking shit-cake’ Bellatrix thought.

Edit: For those of who wish to find the fic, it was Black Rose by August-Dragon, but only made it to 2 chapters before being abandoned.

Dark Jedi Knight

08-07-2006, 08:06 AM

While not from Harry Potter fan fiction, these quotes, in my opinion, are downright gems.

I'd had enough. I really had. I wasn't dealing with a common or garden jobsworth or petty dictator type here. This man was at least clinically neurotic, if not an out and out psycho. There was only one way to deal with him. I leaned close to the glass and wispered dangeriously: 'I want to the time of the next train to Vienna, I want a ticket for that train, and I want to know which platform the Vienna train leaves from. If I am not holding that ticket in my hand within thirty seconds, I'm going to come around the back of your little domain there, slap you to the ground, pull of your pecker and your love sacs with my bare hands and whip you senselesswith them while I make you my donkey bitch through the bloddy new hole in your groin.'
That was from near the end of chapter 28 of Incompetence, written by Rob Grant.

By now, my nerves were set completely on edge. I drained the whisky and headed for the bathroom. As my hand reached down for the handle, I froze. I could hear running water. I put my ear to the door. Yes. The shower was running. And somebody was humming, very softly. I stepped my senses down from Def Com Three. That's what was wrong with the room: it was double booked. All was right with the world again.
The shower stopped. I strolled over to the minibar and took out another whisky miniature. I settled back into the unfeasibly comfortable armchair and waited.
I didn't have to wait long. The bathroom door opened and a woman stepped through.
I say 'woman', but that hardly does justice to the apothesis of femininity that padded into my room wearing only a man's shirt - completely unbuttoned, mind - and a pair of ghostly underpants that redefined the the word 'skimpy'. You could have had a philosophical debate about whether or not they actually existed at all. They seemed to be hovering in some barely visible reality, halfway between this world and the next.
Now, a man reaches a certain age, and pretty much all women start to look beautiful. Whether that's because your standards get lower, or because the scales really do fall from your eyes is a moot point. But this woman was a heartstopper by any measure. You could have employed her in an abattoir as a humane method of stunning animals before slaughter, and, trust me, they'd have died happy. You could have stood this woman in a queue at a bank, and robbed the vaults, picked all the teller's pockets, and staged an impromptu performance of Wagner's Ring Trilogy without even the closed-circuit cameras noticing you. That one came from near the beginning of chapter 10 of Incompetence.

Her hand stretched out and the hatchway door sighed closed. She pulled the tie-up at the top of his gown and tugged it open, then slowly lowered herself on top of him. Her arms drapped around his neck and she bit him tenderly on his mouth as she started gently to sway back and forth on top of him.
'Ooh,' said Lister.
'Ooh,' said the woman with the invisible appendectomy scar.
'Aaaaaaah,' said Lister more enthusiastically.
'Aaaaaaah,' said the woman right back.
And so the conversation comtinued until an 'Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh' and a 'Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhh' brought the exchange of dialogue to a satisfactory conclusion four and a half minutes later.
If you'd have asked him Lister would have said it was twenty minutes later. But he'd have been wrong. That final one was from Part 2,Chapter 1 of Red Dwarf: Last Human, by Doug Naylor.

BloodLust

08-09-2006, 07:15 PM

Draco’s face drained white as the list of accusatory questions went on. ‘I did no such thing!’ he shouted. ‘My father was – he was – he was my father! Only a total psychopath would murder his own father!’

Once again, everyone turned to look at Voldemort, who rocked his head back in protest. ‘What?’ he said. ‘If you all had known my filthy Muggle father, you’d have murdered him, as well. Can’t a man get any sympathy around here? Besides, that is hardly the same thing. Apples and oranges.’ He waved one hand dismissively.

also Murder at Malfoy Manor

Mercenary

08-14-2006, 04:05 AM

Death can't be too bad. I mean, you've never heard a dead man complain, have you?- Citizen Soldiers

KeshinNoAkui

08-18-2006, 04:45 AM

"It is getting out of hand. Let's remember the case of one Brian Jennings." At the two groans that greeted the mention of this one name, he grinned. "You both know he's the perfect example of constant reincarnation."

"I forgot what his purpose even was," admitted Melania.

Black Wolf gave a sharp bark. "I can't say I blame you there. How many times has he been here? I think it was 2,659 times since 1633? I swear that in his unconscious mind he knows us."

Thanatos stifled a laugh. Sending a glare in his direction, she nevertheless replied, "You know that can't be right. Reincarnation totally erases the soul's memory of the past and of here."

"I have to agree with the old stone statue here, that guy does probably recognize us. He happens to hold the record for 'Most Incarnated Soul', for your information. I bet that Annie Kentworth is going to throw a fit if she even sees him again, much less picks him up."

"But I can't send him off yet! You know the rules! As great as my cunning and deviousness is, I can't get around that."

Black Wolf sneered, "I bet you haven't tried. He probably never will make it to his final judgment anyway and he's the only one at fault. Everyone knows that you shouldn't cheat on your wife, ESPECIALLY when that said wife has Viking blood running through her veins. Did you notice that her reincarnated soul is the one that keeps killing him?"

Thanatos blinked. "No. Did you, Mel?"

"Unfortunately so. Remember that time he came back five months after we sent him off in August 1974?"

"Yeah. His mother got into a car accident and miscarried him. Annie picked him up. Again. Why?"

"The driver of the other vehicle was the reincarnate of his wife. In every one of his lives, he's been killed by whoever has his old wife's soul. Talk about revenge."

"Ouch."

"Well, you get the idea. Now both of you, quiet. I'm reopening the doors." She snapped her fingers. The huge carved black doors at the end of the hall slowly opened. But before they had opened completely, the loud voice of a female reached their ears.

"I've had enough of this! Boss!" A blonde woman in her late twenties angrily swept into the room, dark green eyes flashing dangerously. Behind the fuming, black-robed woman was a thirty or so man looking very confused. Seeming to forget who she was in front of Melania and Thanatos, she pointed at the male and screeched, "Again! This makes it the thousandth time I've picked him up! His wife's reincarnate killed him again. It involved poison, a gun, a knife, a six-pack of beer, and his girlfriend's betrayal, who happened to be the reincarnation of his mistress! How does this always happen to him?! I'M SICK OF IT!""

With a bemused expression, the man asked, "Don't I know all you people?"

Black Wolf turned to the shocked Melania. "See? He's back! Are you ABSOLUTELY SURE you can't do anything?"

Chapter 9 of Elemental Genesis, which has some funny moments.

The-Hyphenated-One

09-05-2006, 08:53 AM

here are some interesting quotes

-Assassins do it from behind.

-Never settle with words what you can accomplish with a flame thrower.

-Q: What did the instructor at the school for Kamikazi pilots say to his students?
A: Watch closely. I'm only going to do this once.

-I won't have a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent.

That Wench

09-05-2006, 11:16 AM

I can't remeber which story I got this quote from...but I found it funny at the time.

(sirius) "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! JAMES! I'm dying! HELP MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

(james) "Huh?!"

(sirius) "I'm bleeding to death!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!"

(james) "Sirius, that;s not blood. it's ketchup you silly fucker."

The-Hyphenated-One

09-05-2006, 04:46 PM

heres a quote from The Sorcerors Stone Uncut by Spymaster E

“I should have known you’d be here, Professor McDonalds,” he said.

Prof. McDonalds stood up. “Good evening, Professor Dumbledork,” she said. “How did you know it was me?”

“Ronalda, you forgot to change into a cat.” Dumbledork pointed out.

“Oh.” Prof. McDonalds looked down in embarrassment. “Damn.”

i thought this was actually pretty funny

killginny009

09-05-2006, 09:38 PM

Mine too!’ Voldemort said, then cleared his throat. ‘I especially enjoy the chapter on the changing enchantments and hidden rooms.’

‘Chapter Twenty-six!’ Hermione exclaimed.

‘I have a first edition.’

‘Really?’ Hermione squeaked. ‘How in the world did you find it?’

‘Stole it from the possessions of some old lady I murdered.’
murder at malfoy manor
Maybe,’ she said, ‘we ought to make a list!’

‘A list?’

Lists were one of Hermione’s favourite things. They were so useful, and she made them for every aspect of her life: books to read, homework to do, things to buy, ways to improve herself, pros and cons of kissing Ron Weasley…rhymes and reasons to put order into her day-to-day existence. Now, she thought, a list would be most beneficial. ‘Yes, sir,’ she said. ‘With some parchment and a quill, we could get this thing organised. We’ll make three categories, one for each of the deaths so far…or perhaps four, counting Mrs. Malfoy’s near-death. We’ll write down the probable causes of death, motives, opportunities...I could make a graph! And perhaps a matrix!’ Hermione became more animated as she rattled off the ways in which a list could help them solve the mystery.

Voldemort regarded her with an unreadable expression. ‘A list,’ he repeated.

Hermione nodded eagerly.

‘I think,’ said Voldemort, ‘that it was you Snape had in mind when he used to complain about his students, and how some did not know when good enough was enough.’
malfoy manor

Mordac

09-06-2006, 11:23 AM

You only have power over people as long as you don't take everything away from them. But, when you've robbed a man of everything, he's no longer in your power - he's free again. Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn

Xiph0

06-17-2007, 12:52 AM

I invoke the genius of the Constitution.

There is nothing wrong with America that cannot be cured by what is right with America.

I could instance a load of fuckers whose throats I'd cut and push over a cliff.

We, as a Congress, have to stand up to a president who acts like the Bill of Rights and the Constitution were repealed on September 11.

It's time to stand up - not to cheer, but to fight back.

Wise men learn more from fools than fools from the wise.

War therefore is an act of violence to compel our opponent to fulfill our will.

All war presupposes human weakness and seeks to exploit it.

Leave the matter of religion to the family altar, the church, and the private school, supported entirely by private contributions. Keep the church and the State forever separate.

I would never invade the United States, there would be a gun behind every blade of grass.

Discipline is the soul of an army. It makes small numbers formidable; procures success to the weak, and esteem to all.

Let us therefore animate and encourage each other, and show the whole world that a Freeman, contending for liberty on his own ground, is superior to any slavish mercenary on earth.

We come here with no peaceful intent, but ready for battle, determined to avenge our wrongs and set our country free.

In order to find his equal, an Irishman is forced to converse with the Almighty.

A few of the ones I like.

Vegemeister

06-20-2007, 02:27 AM

I detest life-insurance agents; they always argue that I shall some day die, which is not so.
- Stephen Leacock

"Reports of my death were an exaggeration."
- Mark Twain.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved by a suitable application of high explosives.

You're depraved, cold, and rotten to the core... I've come to admire that in a person.

Jesus is coming...hide the porn!

I only got 5 words for God. You'll never take me alive" - Profile of sephiroth's sword.

"Welcome to the internet, where men are men, women are men and the children are the FBI." -Mizua

Instead, he would take this lemon the Fate thrown him and make a lemonade the kind of which his backstabbers had never seen before. - Yin and Yang

There are four boxes to be used in defense of liberty: soap, ballot, jury, and ammo. Please use in that order.
- Ed Howdershelt

"I'll tell you one thing that makes my blood boil - crematoriums."
- Tim Vine

"Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd."
"To hold a pen is to be at war."
"It is one of the superstitions of the human mind to have imagined that virginity could be a virtue."
- Voltaire

"Now is no time to be making enemies."
- Voltaire (When asked on his deathbed to denounce the devil.)

"I think I had an evilgasm." -Order of the Stick

"It's as true today as when I started adventuring: "When in doubt, set something on fire." - Belkar, Order of the Stick

Remember, pillage first - THEN burn.

The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common. They don't alter their views to fit the facts. They alter the facts to fit their views. Which can be uncomfortable if you happen to be one of the facts that needs altering.

Harry chuckled and shook his head. “I wouldn’t dream of it. It’s just from what I’ve heard so far, you folks are one well placed orchestral march away from being declared the evilest evil empire of them all.”
-Browncoat, Green Eyes

"I’ll do the talking, Dumbledore. It seems to me like every time you open your mouth, such magnificent drivel as has never been seen before spouts out of it." -A Slytherin Revenge by Stained-Future

“But I see it, sir. Numbers drive me mad every evening, night and morning,” she hesitantly began, “They eat my brain every hour during Algebra— and Algebra can be very aggressive, you see. It’s quite like my mind blindly falls into a pool of a generating world of fantastic equations— although rather empty sometimes— in random occasions they’re terribly hideous, and with a chalk in my hand I enjoy beating it mercilessly until it becomes a simple line, its raw solution, quite like exorcising its demons and regurgitating a saint,” continued Alice, “It’s somewhat similar, won’t you agree? That my world is much like this one.”

"...this is a civilized discussion, no need to set your caps to Jihad."

Nemo me impune lacessit. - No one provokes me with impunity.

(in relation to the reclassificaion of Pluto)
In fact, here's a little something to help everyone remember the change:
Many Venerable Elderly Mnemonics Just Shifted Unto Nothingness

There are very few problems that cannot be solved by orders ending with "or die." -Alistair J.R. Young

Woah, pulling the better stuff out of my Quotes.txt ened up being more than I thought.

World

06-20-2007, 01:51 PM

“I can’t believe Dumbledore let a Death Eater into Hogwarts! Good Lord, I thought he was intelligent! I’m going to kick his ass from here to Constantinople!”

“I don’t think that’s possible,” Remus said lightly. “It’s called Istanbul, now.”
For some reason, this made me laugh out loud.

Robo Jesus

07-02-2007, 04:12 AM

My quote file (text), posted as an attachment in a rar.

thisperson

07-02-2007, 07:25 PM

I particularly enjoy:

"The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources"

"The intuitive mind is a sacred gift and the rational mind is a faithful servant. We have created a society that honors the servant and has forgotten the gift."

"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former."

All gotten from here (http://www.fys.ku.dk/~raben/einstein/)

Decibels

07-07-2007, 11:09 PM

“Hermione?” Harry broke in Hermione’s musings. She blinked and looked up, frowning as she identified the speaker. “Could you do me a favour?”

“What is it?” Hermione asked cautiously.

“Could you close that book and sit there silently?” Harry asked in a semi-polite tone, his usual biting tongue seeming to have swallowed along with roast pork he had had for dinner.

“No,” Hermione exclaimed and looked at Harry with disgust and annoyance. She glared at him and ducked her head back into the massive tome on her lap. Almost immediately, she was muttering again, frowning in concentration as she ran her finger over another line.

“Hermione?” Harry asked sweetly. Hermione gave an impatient sigh and broke away from her book, looking particularly bothered as she glared at him.

“What?” She snapped. Harry’s smile disappeared and he stared at her coldly with glinting emerald eyes.

“Shut the fuck up,” He said softly, but dangerously. Hermione gaped at him, flinching at his language, while Harry settled back down in his seat and stared at the fire again.

“Excuse me?” Hermione said in disbelief, her eyes wide.

“Your voice is grating on my brain like a lawnmower grates up human flesh,” Harry says slowly. “So, shut the fuck up.”

Hermione’s nostrils flared and she snapped her book shut, looking angry and determined. She stood up, shrugging off Ron and walked forward to before Harry.

“Can I help you?” Harry asked lazily and gave Hermione a cocky smile through half-lidded eyes.

“No, you can’t help me,” Hermione said loudly, breathing deeply as she stared at him resolutely. “Do you know what your problem is, Harry Potter?”

“I have lice,” Harry replied. “It doesn’t matter what I do, the little bastards keeping coming back. I’m thinking of nuking my hair, just to get rid of them once and for all, but I’m a little worried. I don’t want a Chernobyl situation running down my ears.”

“There,” Hermione spat out loudly and the common room quietened, students looking up to watch the spectacle. “That’s it right there. You always have an answer for everything, some stupid smart-aleck line to say.”

“What can I say?” Harry said lazily and shrugged, feeling quite amused. “Nobody’s perfect, except me. Don’t worry; you’ll eventually have an answer for everything as well. Trust me; the meaning of life will be a real kick in the balls for you. You won’t be expecting it.”

“There you go again,” Hermione cried out and stamped her foot on the ground. “You just don’t get it, Potter, do you? You’re not funny! Nobody thinks you’re a rebel, or that you’re cool. You’re just a pathetic bully who laughs at his own bad jokes!”

“You really think that?” Harry asked softly and Hermione nodded.

‘I laugh at your jokes, beloved,’ Meciel said. ‘That must count for something.’

“Ah, you’re wrong,” Harry said and dismissed Hermione with a wave of his hand. “My invisible friend just told me that she laughs at my jokes. That makes two, at least.”

“You just don’t get it, do you?” Hermione said and gave a short bark of laughter. “Everybody around here is too afraid of you to tell you what they really think of you, but I’m not. You, Harry Potter, are nothing more than a big bully who thinks it’s funny to belittle other people. You have no respect for anything or anyone. You treat everybody like garbage, even the people who are nice to you, and you strut around like you own the place. If you keep this up, Harry, then you’ll never have any friends and your life will lonely and miserable!”

Harry cocked an eyebrow as Hermione stopped to take a breath, an amused smile on his face.

“Care to tell me something I don’t know?” He asked in amusement.

“Oh, I will,” Hermione said, breathing deeply as she jabbed a finger in his direction. “Everybody else may fear you or hate you, but I don’t because I know why you act this way. I bet you had a horrible childhood. Maybe you were bullied, or maybe you were abused, or maybe everybody just ignored you, and now you always have to be the centre of attention. The others might see a big bad rebel but all I see is a tiny little boy crying out for attention he’s always wanted.”

Harry’s face had grown darker as Hermione had continued and by the end, he looked positively murderous. His eyes were glinting coldly and Hermione flinched as she stared into them. For a second it almost looked like they were on fire and something ancient and powerful flashed back at her, but then they cleared up. Hermione blinked in surprise as Harry changed from murderous to contemplative in an instant.

“My God,” Harry said softly and stood up, staring at Hermione with sad eyes. “You’re right. You’re totally right. Can you…Can you excuse me while I…go find religion, give up drinking, start smoking so I can give it up and renounce my cruel and evil ways and behaviours?”

Hermione shook her head in disgust while a few of the watching students, including Ron, smiled in amusement.

“What gives you the right to be such an arrogant…bastard?” She snapped after finding a suitable word. “What makes you think that you’re better than any of us?”

“Maybe because…” Harry started and gestured to himself with his hands. “Maybe because I defeated the Dark Lord Voldemort as a baby? Is that good enough for you? Remember the muggleborn hating git with the glowing eyes and the green light of doom?

“That was thirteen years ago!” Hermione scoffed. “And you were only a baby!”

“Yeah,” agreed Harry, a superior smile on his face. “And if I hadn’t, you wouldn’t be here.”

Hermione frowned and Harry sighed, rolling his eyes.

“Let me elaborate it for you so you can understand me,” Harry said slowly. “Voldemort win, muggleborn no do magic because muggleborn be dead.”

“I know that!” Hermione snapped, but Harry had snapped his fingers as a thought struck him.

“You know, in a way, you owe me,” He said slyly.

“What?” Hermione snapped, her eyes looking as if they would bulge from their sockets. “I do not!”

“If it weren’t for me, you wouldn’t be able to do magic anymore,” Harry concluded.

Hermione seemed to have been struck speechless as she gaped at him, her eyes wide with shock. Her fingers were twitching as if she wanted to grab her wand and hex him at that very moment, but a flash of Harry’s murderous eyes was enough to make her stay her hand.

Harry gave her an arrogant grin as he yawned, stretching his arms with a lazy expression on his face.

“Don’t worry about shutting up,” He said, still grinning. “I see you’re incapable of keeping your mouth shut. I’ll just go to my bed and get an early start. After all, it’s Christmas tomorrow and I’m sure you need to prepare my present. You know, because you owe me and all.”

this is from The Denarian Renegade by Shezza88, i thought it was rather amusing, and rather original as its not often that you see a sarcastic harry with a fallen angel in his head after all.

Dain Bread

07-08-2007, 02:10 AM

"If you ever become a mother, can I have one of the puppies?"
- Charles Pierce

"For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program."
-???

" Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator. "
-God's Original Manuscript

"No one is a virgin, the world screws us all"
-???

"Be careful whose toes you step on today because they might be connected to the foot that kicks your ass tomorrow"- My uncle

"If you’re one in a million, there are six thousand people exactly like you."
-Logic

"There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line."
Pauly Shore

"Shh...I'm listening to reason." Pee-Wee Herman

DarkSov

07-08-2007, 06:07 AM

"I hear voices in my head, but they speak in Spanish. I have no idea what they're saying. I wish one of them would get a job."

-Daniel Tosh

The-Hyphenated-One

07-08-2007, 02:57 PM

Classic.....

"Fucking Chuck Norris"

-Ben Stiller, Dodgeball.

The-Hyphenated-One

07-13-2007, 06:42 AM

I am assuming double posting is o.k here, if not you have my sincere condolences.

"I've had enough of these motha fucking snakes on this motha fucking plane!"

-Snakes on a Plane or Epic Movie
-Samual L. Jackson or the guy in Epic Movie

Xiph0

07-13-2007, 07:18 AM

That wasn't worth a double-post.

Old meme is fucking OLD.

Machiavelli Jr

07-15-2007, 05:38 PM

"ubi solitudinem faciunt, pacem appellant" - where they have made a desert, they call it peace. Tacitus, the most twisty historian of that most Slytherin race, the Romans.

"Don't worry lads, they couldn't hit an elephant at this dist-" US general at Battle of Spotsylvania.

"For pure, vacillating stupidity, for superb incompetence to command, for ignorance combined with bad judgment, in short, for the true talent for catastrophe, Elphinstone / Albus Dumbledore stood head and shoulders above them all." The original line is G.M.Fraser on the Brit commander in the First Afghan War, modified in an essay on Dumbledore as war leader. Both authors concluded that their subject (would have) made a rather good Headmaster.

"A modest man, with much to be modest about" Churchill, on Clement Attlee.

"Professor! Harry's invading France!" Hermione, in a teaser from Jeconais for his next fic.

Silver Peas

07-29-2007, 07:07 PM

The first draft of anything is always shit. -Ernest Hemingway

I have never met a man so ignorant that I couldn't learn something from him. -Galileo Galilei

The creation of a thousand forests is in one acorn. -Ralph Waldo Emerson

Right or wrong, it's very pleasant to break something from time to time. -Fedor Dostoevski

Ninety-nine percent of the failures come from people who have the habit of making excuses. -George Washington Carver

We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough? -Niels Bohr

Dear Mister Language Person: I am curious about the expression, Part of this complete breakfast. The way it comes up is, my 5-year-old will be watching TV cartoon shows in the morning, and they'll show a commercial for a children's compressed breakfast compound such as Froot Loops or Lucky Charms, and they always show it sitting on a table next to some actual food such as eggs, and the announcer always says: Part of this complete breakfast. Don't that really mean, Adjacent to this complete breakfast, or On the same table as this complete breakfast? And couldn't they make essentially the same claim if, instead of Froot Loops, they put a can of shaving cream there, or a dead bat?
Answer: Yes.
-Dave Barry

If a child runs into the room saying "Mummy, mummy! I love Jesus and He loves me! We're all going to Heaven when we die and God is looking over us!", people will smile and praise the child. Nobody would say "Don't be silly. You can't possibly say that because you don't fully understand everything about the religion. How can you know that for sure, when you've not read the Bible in the original Hebrew?!?". But if a child (or teenager, or adult) says "I've had a good think about it, and have come to the conclusion that Jesus is a myth and nothing in Christianity makes much sense. I declare myself to be a freethinking secular humanist.", then they are quite likely to receive the latter response. You could have all the theological training of a hedgehog and still get wild applause if you stand up and say you're a Christian, but it seems that atheists are required to demonstrate more intelligence and Biblical expertise than all the clergymen and theologians that have ever lived before they are allowed to publicly express their doubts. -Adrian Barnett

It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it. -Aristotle

Do not believe in anything simply because you have heard it. Do not believe in anything simply because it is spoken and rumored by many. Do not believe in anything simply because it is found written in your religious books. Do not believe in anything merely on the authority of your teachers and elders. Do not believe in traditions because they have been handed down for many generations. But after observation and analysis, when you find that anything agrees with reason and is conducive to the good and benefit of one and all, then accept it and live up to it. -Buddha

A man can fail many times, but he isn't a failure until he begins to blame somebody else. -John Burroughs

"These days many movies are rated as containing Graphic Violence and Brief Nudity - I much prefer Brief Violence and Graphic Nudity!"

He who asks is a fool for five minutes, but he who does not ask remains a fool forever. -Chinese Proverb

There are two perfectly good men, one dead, and the other unborn. -Chinese Proverb

"He's a timid man who tries to look tough - a sheep in wolf's clothing."

The intellegence of the planet is constant, and the population is growing. -Arthur C. Clarke

From Syndicate Wars:
A hundred elephants can wreck the outer walls of a fortress. One diseased rat can kill all those inside.

A war refugee sought the Master. He said, "You are wise and serene. Teach me to escape the horrors of this world." And the Master blinded him with fire-irons.

All knowledge is stored somewhere. Be it in books, heads or deep under glaciers. And when we find it, we make it ours. Faith is bricks; knowledge is mortar.

Bravery will take you into the most dangerous of places. Overwhelming firepower will see you safely through them.

Even the salamander sometimes burns.

Faithful minds are not enough. Deliver unto us brains also.

Follow the more successful thief and steal his ideas.

He who lives in the eye of the storm is a mote in the eye of an angry god.

He who shouts loudest can only hear his own voice. Those with true knowledge listen to those with true faith. And those with closed ears never hear the swing of the reaper's blade.

"Here!" said the Master. "Build me a great tomb in this place." His apprentices did. It glittered in the sun. "Now go inside," said he. They entered. An earthquake then destroyed the tomb, burying those within. The Master smiled. "Even the faithful are not always chosen. This is called sacrifice."

In the darkest times, the true believer hones his combat skills.

Mark thine enemy, for all that separates the damned from the chosen is a dot of monochrome light, projected onto the back of a neck.

Not only will all eyes be on the leaders of men, but all combat sights as well.

Poor workers blame their tools. Good workers build better tools. The best workers get their tools to do the work for them.

Remember, the meek shall inherit nothing.

The apprentices asked the Master. "When shall we achieve immortality?" And the Master answered, "Not in this life."

The brave hide behind technology. The stupid hide from it. But the clever have technology, and hide it.

The courageous enter dark caves alone. The clever send in the courageous first. The cleverest wait behind the clever.

The Master has no need for money. But still he sits and counts it. As a meditation.

The Master told his pupils, "Forget being taught and concentrate on learning. When you're sure, question everything."

The non-believers climbed for days to confront the master in the mountains. "Where do you get your so-called faith?" they asked. "You brought it," the master replied. "You've all climbed so high."

The people stood like corn in the high fields and listened to the Master. As the reaper's blade scythed them all, the Master fell silent. The lesson would be learned by others.

The world shall turn and the human race shall pass. Everything begins anew. The faith has run its course and it is over.

There is pleasure in stealing the souls of machines.

To take one life is sin. To take a thousand is religion.

Mercenary

07-30-2007, 01:47 AM

Well, hello, dirtbags.

Glernaj

08-01-2007, 05:31 PM

"Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean there's not an invisible demon about to eat your face" Harry Dresden

Yume Deli

08-02-2007, 03:57 PM

“Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your heart or burn down your house, you can never tell.”

"Isn't it funny how the word 'politics' is made up of the words 'poli' meaning 'many' in Latin, and 'tics' as in 'bloodsucking creatures’?

"It can't happen here" is number 1 on the list of famous last words.

“To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and whatever you hit, call it the target.”

Never tell people how to do things: Tell them what to do and they will surprise you with their ingenuity.

If your doctor doesn't have candy, they must be imposters! Vampires! Yes, all doctor offices without candy are really just disguises for vampires to steal blood.

What does not learn does not change. What does not change does not live.What does not live does not die.

Duct Tape is like the Force. It has a Light Side. A Dark Side.And it holds things together.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you

My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fiber, and that I am therefore excused from saving Universes.(Harry should learn that one.)

It's tourist season, so why can't I shoot them?

This is not something to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown, with great force.

Andromalius

08-02-2007, 04:32 PM

"This won't be a fight. This is going to be a slaughter."

the-caitiff

08-02-2007, 07:55 PM

"Profanity is the crutch of inarticulate motherfuckers."

Ultimately, most problems can be solved by applying a large brick to the correct skull. Difficulties arise when you do not have a brick, or cannot find the correct skull. The devil is in the details....

You sound reasonable ... time to up my medication.

Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

It was blasphemous, it was sacrilegious, and it was a little bit too much fun.

"We're Americans. Do you know what that means? Our forefathers got kicked out of every decent country in Europe."

"In answer to the question of why it happened, I offer the modest proposal that our Universe is simply one of those things which happen from time to time." -- Edward P. Tryon

Bizarreness is the essence of the exotic.

While having never invented a sin, I'm trying to perfect several.

"The difference between common-sense and paranoia is that common-sense is thinking everyone is out to get you. That's normal -- they are. Paranoia is thinking that they're conspiring." -- J. Kegler

"Fairy tales do not tell children the dragons exist. Children already know dragons exist. Fairy tales tell children the dragons can be killed." -- G.K. Chesterton

"A child becomes an adult when he realizes that he has a right not only to be right but also to be wrong." - Thomas Szasz

I was actually slightly taken aback. I'm not used to receiving offers of sex from people whose names I haven't even learned yet.
At least not at the kinds of parties where people wear their clothes.

"The key is to commit crimes so confusing that police feel too stupid to even write a crime report about them." -- R. K. Milholland

"Please don't lie to me, unless you're absolutely sure I'll never find out the truth." -- Ashleigh Brilliant

"Sex is a beautiful thing shared between 2 people. Between 5 its fantastic." -- Woody Allen

"It's nice to be loved, but there's a lot to be said for CRINGING RESPECT!"

I can't find words to express how I feel about you. Stand by for gestures.

"IT TAKES A VIKING TO RAZE A VILLAGE."

"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength; loving someone deeply gives you courage." -- Lao-Tzu

"You can discover what your enemy fears most by observing the means he uses to frighten you." -Eric Hoffer

Note to self; In the middle of a black op I should not stop to ask a guard to validate parking.

ST House Rule #3; Any character with more than three skills specializing in chainsaw is preemptively vetoed.

“He was the sort of person who stood on mountaintops during thunderstorms in wet copper armour shouting "All the Gods are bastards."” - Terry Pratchett

Amon Amarth

08-11-2007, 04:21 PM

"Did I do anything wrong today, or has the world always been like this and I've been too wrapped up in myself to notice?" –Douglas Adams

Committee- a group of people who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done. -Fred Allen

When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger have handled this?" -Brady's First Law of Problem Solving

No matter what a man's past may have been, his future is spotless. -John R. Rice

On the way back, they sang a number of tuneful and reflective songs on the subjects of peace, justice, morality, culture, sport, family life, and thobliteration of all other life forms. -Douglas Adams

If you're going to do something wrong, at least enjoy it. -Leo C. Rosten

Question: Why does God allow evil in the world? Sri Ramakrishna: To thicken the plot. -Sri Ramakrishna

A little rudeness and disrespect can elevate a meaningless interaction to a battle of wills and add drama to an otherwise dull day. -Bill Watterson

Among life's perpetually charming questions is whether the truly evil do more harm than the self-righteous and wrong. -Jon Margolis

If the whole world depends on today's youth, I can't see the world lasting another 100 years. -Socrates

You can learn a lot about a person if you just take the time to inject them with sodium pentothal.

Destiny is as destiny does. If you believe you have no control, then you have no control. -Wess Roberts

A man who is a master of patience is master of everything else. -George Savile, Marquis of Halifax

Eat thy bread with joy, and drink thy wine with a merry heart. -Bible, Ecclesiastes 9:7

Testament

08-26-2007, 04:26 PM

I found this to be pretty damn funny. Taken from Invictus by opalish.

Dumbledore's eyes sparkled, and Harry suspected that the Headmaster knew exactly what was going through his mind.
"You know," Harry said blandly, "all that twinkling can't be good for your health."
He had the dubious pleasure of seeing Dumbledore startled speechless, if only for a second.
"That sort of thing makes you go blind," he added, unable to stop himself. An odd strangled noise emerged from Draco's lips. Kingsley actually grinned, his teeth shockingly white against his brown skin.
Dumbledore...blushed.
"I don't understand," said one of the portraits - Armando Dippet was the inscription on the frame - in bewilderment.
"I'll explain when you're older," another portrait, Phineas Nigellus, drawled.
"I think," Kingsley said, his tone rich with laughter, "we should be leaving."
"Yes," Dumbledore agreed a little too quickly, still rather red-faced. "Perhaps you should."
Harry couldn't help it, he really couldn't. "You mean you aren't going to give me The Talk?" he asked, blinking. "But you've just adopted me, right? It's your job to tell me about that sort of thing."
Draco wheezed and Kingsley closed his eyes and buried his face in his hands. A little voice in the back of Harry's mind crowed in victory - he'd actually managed to ruffle the supposedly imperturbable auror!
Dumbledore, however, had gotten over his embarrassment, and now had a rather demonic light shining in his eyes.
"The Talk?" he repeated, bushy eyebrows rising. "Very well, then." Harry's eyes widened in horror and Draco blanched. "Now, there are wands, and there are holsters..."
Five minutes later, a mortified Harry vowed solemnly to never, ever, ever again bait Dumbledore. "Wands and holsters indeed," he muttered as he grabbed the portkey.

Mercenary

08-26-2007, 09:58 PM

It's not paranoia if they really are out to get you.

I like me-Caboose

Xiph0

08-27-2007, 10:32 PM

All in favor of losing their rights, please do nothing.

Ever notice there's no crime at a shooting range?

Gun control means hitting your target

Lexington and Concord: America's response to gun control.

The man behind the ATF badge is as scared as you are.

The reason for the Second Amendment is becoming obvious

We are NOT surrounded; rather, we are in a target rich area.

When we lose the 2nd Amendment is when we start the 2nd Revolution

Without a gun, the flag you wave might as well be white.Few gun related quotes. Bolded are favorites.

No idea as to the source.

Dark Lord Slytherin

08-31-2007, 12:26 AM

I thought this part from Rorschach's Blot's; Make A Wish was funny:

"Just a few numbers," Moody shrugged. "36-23-33."
"Now why would Black have taken the time to code the measurements to this month's 'Playwizard' centerfold?" Dumbledore mused aloud.
The Order froze and several members began pinching themselves nervously to check if they were in the land of dreams.
"Albus?" McGonagall.
"Um," Dumbledore chuckled nervously, "they have good articles?"

Swimdraconian

08-31-2007, 01:51 PM

"A university professor set an examination question in which he asked the difference between ignorance and apathy. The professor had to give an A+ to a student who answered: 'I don't know and I don't care.'"

All men dream but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that it was vanity; but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act their dream with open eyes to make it possible. --T.E. Lawrence

"Harems and their polygamous brethren are tools of the virgin fan-boy." - Shuujaku

Chime??

08-31-2007, 06:41 PM

The following is an actual question given on a McGill University chemistry mid-term Exam paper:
Is Hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with a proof

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyles Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that most people and their souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyles Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities.

If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Celine LeBlanc during my Freshman year - that "it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you" - and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then (2) cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic.

If you're looking for witty quotes, I'd try here: http://www.quotationspage.com/, or more specifically, here: http://www.quotationspage.com/quotes/Henry_David_Thoreau/ . As boring as hell as it was to read Walden, Thoreau is really good at making sense.

Here are my favorites:
A man is rich in proportion to the number of things he can afford to let alone.

Do not be too moral. You may cheat yourself out of much life. Aim above morality. Be not simply good; be good for something.

How vain it is to sit down to write when you have not stood up to live.

I once had a sparrow alight upon my shoulder for a moment, while I was hoeing in a village garden, and I felt that I was more distinguished by that circumstance than I should have been by any any epaulet I could have worn.

If you have builtt castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they shoul d be. Now put the foundations under them.

If you would convince a man that he does wrong, do right. Men will believe what they see.

In what concerns you much, do not think you have companions: know that you are alone in the world.

In wildness is the preservation of the world.

It is hard to see one's self as to look backwards without turning around.

Most are engaged in a business the greater part of their lives, because the soul abhors a vacuum and they have not discovered any continuous employment for a man's nobler faculties.

Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it.

The man is the richest whose pleasures are the cheapest.

Every generation laughs at the old fashions, but follows religiously the new.

Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes.

Our inventions are wont to be pretty toys, which distract our attention from serious things. They are but improved means to an unimproved end.

I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what I had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover what I had not lived.

Things do not change; we change.

The finest qualities of our nature, like the bloom on fruits, can be preserved only by the most delicate handling. Yet we do not treat ourselves nor one another thus tenderly.

Our houses are such unwieldy property that we are often imprisoned rather than housed in them.

How many a man has dated a new era in his life from the reading of a book.

Tragedian

09-09-2007, 09:56 PM

"Is a man not entitled to the sweat of his brow?

'No!' says the man in Washington, 'It belongs to the poor.'
'No!' says the man in the Vatican, 'It belongs to God.'
'No!' says the man in Moscow, 'It belongs to everyone.'"
--Andrew Ryan, Bioshock

"Sounds like big trouble. You're going to need plenty of legal advice before this thing is over. As your attorney, I advise you to rent a very fast car with no top. And you'll need the cocaine. Tape recorder for special music. Acapulco shirts. Get the hell out of L.A. for at least 48 hours."
--Dr. Gonzo, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas

"I'm a relatively respectable citizen. Multiple felon perhaps, but certainly not dangerous."
--Raoul Duke, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas

malaga

09-16-2007, 04:27 AM

“And we are here today to say goodbye to young Ginny Weasley who over the summer suddenly went gothic-emo wannabe and thought it would be romantic to slit her wrists with a hairy razor.” Dumbledore, who was acting as the preacher said solemnly. “Which is very sad because she and Harry Potter would have made a great couple to create the power of love to defeat Voldemort.”

Harry, who had absolutely refused to wear black to the funeral for reasons unknown choked slightly and inched backwards as everyone turned to stare at him sadly, he looked around and said. “Er, that’s okay. I’m sure that um—Luna? Yeah, Luna Lovegood will… love… good enough.”

Luna smiled vacantly from her seat.

Series of ScrewUps to Destroy HG (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3148292/1/Series_of_Screw_Ups_to_Destroy_HG)

This is so full of win that I had to post. GO HP/LL!!!

come clarity

09-19-2007, 06:58 PM

"It is not true that life is one damn thing after another − it is one damn thing over and over."

- Edna St. Vincent Milay

malaga

09-20-2007, 04:53 AM

"Harry, before I go, do you think I could get one last kiss?" Harry looked at her with panic.

'God, her breath stinks something awful,' thought Harry.

He reached out and wiped away one of her tears with his thumb as he murmured, "I'd love to, Gin, but I just put chapstick on my lips. It would make your face all greasy, and we wouldn't want that."

The First Annual Ginny Kill-Offs
by ChuckDaTruck

Niffler Lord

09-22-2007, 07:20 AM

Harry looked up at Bellatrix. “Who’s the git in the ugly frock?”

Harry Potter and the Ascension of the Dark Lord By Big D

Tragedian

09-22-2007, 09:17 AM

"Life is a journey. Time is a river. The door is a jar."
-- Dresden Files

"She looks shallow, but she's neck deep in the steamy dreams of the guys along the harbor bars."
-- Hold Steady, "Certain Songs"

"I saw one of those magazines that you get in the subway," he says. "And there was a poll in it: Should the late pope be declared a saint? And one guy who answered was this 18-year-old kid who said, 'No, he didn't really do anything.' I'm like, 'You know, I'm sure you got some sweet stuff going on in the dorm room up there, but...' "
--Craig Finn

SmileOfTheKill

09-25-2007, 08:07 PM

All from Kino's Journey

While talking about a rouge author,
Hermes: You do know he's crazy, right?
Kino: All I know is normal people would never become authors.

Helping strangers in the woods,
Kino: I understand that my own food comes at the price of another creature's life, but this time the food's not for me. I have neither resentment nor obligation toward either the man or the rabbit- still I chose to help one at the cost of the other.

Kino: Why do the people of this nation build this tower?
Man: Why? I don't know. I only stock the bricks.

Xiph0

09-29-2007, 04:58 AM

`Yet the thought of Aristotle ruled Europe for twelve centuries,' Dr. Ballingford announced pompously. `And Aristotle was a metaphysician.'

Dr. Ballingford glanced around the table and was rewarded by nods and smiles of approval.

`Your illustration is most unfortunate,' Ernest replied. `You refer to a very dark period in human history. In fact, we call that period the Dark Ages. A period wherein science was raped by the metaphysicians, wherein physics became a search for the Philosopher's Stone, wherein chemistry became alchemy, and astronomy became astrology. Sorry the domination of Aristotle's thought!'

=======================

`There is no God but Fact, and Mr. Everhard is its prophet,' Dr. Ballingford paraphrased.

Ernest smilingly acquiesced.

`I'm like the man from Texas,' he said. And, on being solicited, he explained.

`You see, the man from Missouri always says, `You've got to show me.' But the man from Texas says, `You've got to put it in my hand.' From which it is apparent that he is no metaphysician.'

=======================

`You do not agree with me?' Ernest queried. `Then wherein am I wrong?'

`I can only reaffirm my position,' Dr. Hammerfield retorted tartly. `It is too long a story to enter into now.'

`No story is too long for the scientist,' Ernest said sweetly. `That is why the scientist gets to places. That is why he got to America.'

Excerpts from "The Iron Heel", Chapter 1 (http://london.sonoma.edu/Writings/IronHeel/chapter1.html).

malaga

09-29-2007, 08:13 AM

“The Killing Curse,” Moody said quietly. “It’s one of the most potent curses to have ever been created. It needs a fair amount of magic behind it for it to work. You could all point your wands at me right now and yell the words and I doubt I would get so much as a nose bleeds.” “

“Is that a challenge? Did that sound like a challenge to you?” Harry muttered, forcing his memories away as he reverted back to the most comfortable thing he knew of- insulting people. Amanda eyed him incredulously as he continued. “Because I think I could take him. I mean, he’s old and crippled and I’m young and vigorous.”

The Denarian Renegade (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3473224/18/The_Denarian_Renegade)
by Shezza88

malaga

10-03-2007, 07:11 PM

It was a mess beyond Albus' means to clean, a problem he couldn't fix, a situation he couldn't hide.

A life sentence at sixteen had to be a record, a hallmark in history. But Harry had achieved it - the crater, tortured dragon and mass of decapitated goblins didn't help much, either.

Perhaps if Albus had only tried a little harder to keep the boy more firmly under his wing … Perhaps if James had not dropped his son on the head at Harry's Christening … Or perhaps if Bellatrix Lestrange (known and wanted Deatheater) hadn't been found at the scene of the crime, naked and tied to Harry's foot with a dog's leash, then the Wizengamot might have been a little more forgiving, a little more understanding, a little more forthcoming to Albus' pleas.

But alas, it was not to be.

Esse Quam Videri (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2920504/1/Esse_Quam_Videri)

And so it was that young Harry shed his name and followed a dream, a hope, an aspiration - and a trail of glow-in-the-dark, lubricated condoms.

For seven years after the British Ministry of Magic tried to find him. Their search was futile, though constant sightings crept up in the press. Most were printed only in the Quibbler; a notoriously awful magazine that repeatedly insisted Harry Potter was living happily in Belgium under the alias Harvey Headbanger – as the renowned and infamous porn star.

Once We Were Warriors (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3107930/1/Once_We_Were_Warriors)

Chime??

10-03-2007, 10:02 PM

Excerpts from "The Iron Heel", Chapter 1 (http://london.sonoma.edu/Writings/IronHeel/chapter1.html).

Interesting reading. Dialogue is a bit one-sided and arrogant though.

Success is as dangerous as failure.
Hope is as hollow as fear.

What does it mean that success is a dangerous as failure?
Whether you go up the ladder or down it,
you position is shaky.
When you stand with your two feet on the ground,
you will always keep your balance.

Look, and it can't be seen.
Listen, and it can't be heard.
Reach, and it can't be grasped.

Above, it isn't bright.
Below, it isn't dark.
Seamless, unnamable,
it returns to the realm of nothing.
Form that includes all forms,
image without an image,
subtle, beyond all conception.

Approach it and there is no beginning;
follow it and there is no end.
You can't know it, but you can be it,
at ease in your own life.
Just realize where you come from:
this is the essence of wisdom.

Throw away holiness and wisdom,
and people will be a hundred times happier.
Throw away morality and justice,
and people will do the right thing.
Throw away industry and profit,
and there won't be any thieves.

If these three aren't enough,
just stay at the center of the circle
and let all things take their course.

If you want to become whole,
let yourself be partial.
If you want to become straight,
let yourself be crooked.
If you want to become full,
let yourself be empty.
If you want to be reborn,
let yourself die.
If you want to be given everything,
give everything up.

A good traveler has no fixed plans
and is not intent upon arriving.
A good artist lets his intuition
lead him wherever it wants.
A good scientist has freed himself of concepts
and keeps his mind open to what is.

Do you want to improve the world?
I don't think it can be done.

Knowing others is intelligence;
knowing yourself is true wisdom.
Mastering others is strength;
mastering yourself is true power.

If you realize that you have enough,
you are truly rich.
If you stay in the center
and embrace death with your whole heart,
you will endure forever.

The gentlest thing in the world
overcomes the hardest thing in the world.
That which has no substance
enters where there is no space.
This shows the value of non-action.

Teaching without words,
performing without actions:
that is the Master's way.

–Tao Te Ching

It's a silly book but I just love how all the nonsense in it makes sense.

the-caitiff

10-03-2007, 10:50 PM

–Tao Te Ching

It's a silly book but I just love how all the nonsense in it makes sense.
If it's just nonsense, you're not reading it right. Zen grew where Taoism met Buddhism, read it as a koan. It is meant for careful consideration and meditation, a man can spend years considering the form and nuances of the passages. It isn't about a straightforward translation or transliteration, even if chinese is your native tongue you must consider it carefully.

That bit about not being able to change the world, is it referring to the world a static and unchangable object? Saying that you can only change yourself? Saying that you should change your outlook until the world is as you wish? Saying it is the world that changes you? Maybe the answer is none of these and maybe it is all of them together. Perhaps it was merely Lao Tsu being a pessimist.

The phrases are meaningless, each person must determine the meaning and purpose of each applied to his life. Form and function, meaning and import, yin and yang... That is Taoism.

malaga

10-04-2007, 09:03 PM

Picking her up Harry carried Tonks into the bedroom closing the door behind them.
(Warning: Gratuitous Sex behind closed door, please disregard all screams, grunts and all other noise, most important NO PEAKING! Hey I said NO PEAKING!)

LOL

Best spelling stuff-up since that one about gingerbread transvestites.

Chime??

10-04-2007, 11:53 PM

If it's just nonsense, you're not reading it right. Zen grew where Taoism met Buddhism, read it as a koan. It is meant for careful consideration and meditation, a man can spend years considering the form and nuances of the passages. It isn't about a straightforward translation or transliteration, even if chinese is your native tongue you must consider it carefully.

That bit about not being able to change the world, is it referring to the world a static and unchangable object? Saying that you can only change yourself? Saying that you should change your outlook until the world is as you wish? Saying it is the world that changes you? Maybe the answer is none of these and maybe it is all of them together. Perhaps it was merely Lao Tsu being a pessimist.

The phrases are meaningless, each person must determine the meaning and purpose of each applied to his life. Form and function, meaning and import, yin and yang... That is Taoism.

Ah interesting perspective.

I call the book nonsense because it is. Do A not B without doing A or "Yes is No". It's essentially as you've described: the words are without meaning but despite that communicate an idea.

When I called it nonsense, I didn't mean it's silly to believe (I consider what it says mostly true, although its views of almost total anarchism are purely ideal – no one is going to ever "do nothing" and "teach without speaking, act without doing" no ruler will ever be so invisible that his country appears to be ruled by its people, not in this lifetime anyway) but rather silly in that it's nothing. But nothing's everything, so then it is everything. Hah.

It's impossible for me to relate (I have been sitting here idle for 10 minutes trying to think of the words to describe this; another 10 re-reading what I've wrote a hundred times – and as you can see from my parenthetical instertations, I am rambling all over the place), but I do understand the message (although probably not as well as some, I don't meditate, although I do think of and memorize some of the phrases from time to time).

I meant silly as in... silly. If I'd meant it was a stupid book, I would have said it was ridiculous, if I'd meant it was central to living, I would have said it was truth, if I'd meant it was simply interesting, I would have said that too. However, to describe Taoism with any of those adjectives almost seems to defeat the purpose of the lesson it is trying to reveal. Silly is the only word I can think of that has no connotation, and can be taken either way, as bad or good. Truth or lie. Right or wrong. Real or dream.

Tragedian

10-05-2007, 06:28 PM

Meh. tl; dr.

Chime??

10-05-2007, 09:12 PM

Meh. tl; dr.

[assuming that you are adressing my last post]

Which is why I called it nonsene and silly. It's a succinct statement without needless and troublesome explanation.

But I digress, let's get back to awesome quotes.

The Heir

10-08-2007, 12:41 AM

That bit about not being able to change the world, is it referring to the world a static and unchangable object? Saying that you can only change yourself? Saying that you should change your outlook until the world is as you wish? Saying it is the world that changes you? Maybe the answer is none of these and maybe it is all of them together. Perhaps it was merely Lao Tsu being a pessimist.

And I took that statement as him meaning that the world is already perfect, we just cannot see it. i.e. an optimist.

The meanings we get from those quotes truly do depend solely on the person reading them.

Eris

10-10-2007, 11:34 PM

'“He’s decided to name his owl Voldemrot,” Minerva replied, “and is explaining to the owl exactly what You-Know-Who has done, because he changed two letters to get the owl’s name. I don’t know whether to be amused by the fact he’s explaining the name he chose to the owl, or be disturbed that he named the owl after the…thing that killed his parents.”
“Actually, I suppose you’re no better because you sound like some sort of mold that could destroy houses and disease small children,” the boy [Harry] snorted from his place on the floor, “Voldemrot… ‘I’m sorry,’” the boy mocked in a deep voice, “‘but you have The-Rot-That-Must-Not-Be-Named in your basement.’”
Snape choked on his tea.'
So Sue Me by lunakatrina

Xiph0

10-10-2007, 11:54 PM

B I G
B L O C K
O F
Y E L L O W
T E X T

malaga

10-11-2007, 01:23 AM

Ringhurst smiled toothily. “I eat Muggle babies.”

Filmore’s face remained stoic as he stood straight and turned to Harry, “Worse things have bankers done.”

Dark Respite (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3531310/10/Dark_Respite) by Omagic

World

10-12-2007, 07:55 AM

She was a cute kid. Probably no more than eighteen months, with wispy blonde curls tied up in a pink bow. Her little white coat had matching bows, as did her shoes. What could be seen of her dress was a matching shade of pink. She had bright grey eyes and a smile that Hermione found hard to resist.

“It’s my little warrior princess!" Both men laughed as Gabriel lifted the kid up over his head and she squealed in delight. "Kali, you’ve gotten so big! Audric, what in Shiva’s name are you feeding this kid?”

“Your guess is as good as mine,” the man – Audric, apparently – shrugged.

“I feas' on de sou’s of de innocent,” she informed them happily as Gabriel brought her down to balance on his hip.

“I’ll bet you do,” the soldier grinned.

Gabriel by Shikatanai

malaga

10-12-2007, 04:19 PM

I love that story, read it three times already (though that's because I'm incapable of just reading updates, I have to read the whole thing again).

Linking is nice. It means I can be lazy and not brave the fanfic search system...

Tragedian

10-12-2007, 09:25 PM

"You were once shoved headfirst through someone's vagina. Why are you acting so dignified?"
--XKCD

(Old, but still win.)

malaga

10-20-2007, 11:43 PM

"Draco, what did you do this summer?" Asked CrabbeOrGoyle.

"Mostly I went torturing and killing muggles with my father, and was horribly abused. First we *censored* and then *censored* and then we *censored* with a *censored* and *censored* and a llama."

Harry Potter and the Overdone Plot Devices (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/1788260/6/Harry_Potter_and_the_Overdone_Plot_Devices)

the-caitiff

10-23-2007, 08:54 PM

From Xander-Hog Day (http://www.tthfanfic.com/Story-5305/) by Tohonomike
“No actual accidents on the highway were attributable to you, and we’ve talked to the other Sheriff’s Departments, so no speeding tickets or charges *this* time,” the law enforcement official stressed, “Just…ninety-five verbal warnings from the various jurisdictions to not repeat it.” The Sheriff paused, and then asked, “Mr. Harris, after driving at speeds approaching two hundred miles per hour, did you really turn over control of your vehicle, climb out the window and at a speed exceeding eighty miles per hour jump into the back of a ‘runaway’ convertible and bring it under control?”

“Um, yes?” the youth replied.

“Please don’t drive in my county for at least the next few years, okay?’

“I’ll try…”
Blatantly super!Xander but fun none the less and decently long (200+k words in the three part story). Most importantly, COMPLETE!

Chime??

10-24-2007, 04:15 PM

Between my straw mattress and the bed planks, I had actually found an old scrap of newspaper, yelow and transparent, half-stuck to the canvas. On it was a news story, the first part of which was missing, but which must have taken place in Czechoslovakia.

A man had left a Czech village to seek his fortune. Twenty-five years later, and now rich, he had returned with a wife and child. His mother was running a hotel with his sister in the village where he'd been born. In order to surprise them, he had left his wife and child at another hotel and gone to see his mother, who didn't recognize him when he walked in. As a joke he'd had the idea of taking a room. He had shown off his money. During the night, his mother and his sister had beaten him to death with a hammer in order to rob him and had thrown his body in the river. The next morning the wife had come to the hotel, and without knowing it, gave away the traveler's identity. The mother hanged herself. The sister threw herself down a well.

I must have read that story a thousand times. On the one hand it wasn't very likely. On the other, it was perfectly natural. Anyway, I thought the traveler pretty much deserved what he got and that you should never play games.

The Stranger by Albert Camus, Translated by Matthew Ward, Vintage International edition 1988, 79 - 80

Everyone I've shown this passge to has either laughed or whimpered. Truly a great summation of the absurdity of things.

Randeemy

10-26-2007, 11:14 AM

I live just north of Anchorage, in a town called... gofuckyourmomma

Stone cold steve austin in The condemned. The worst film ever made

JCCS

10-29-2007, 11:18 AM

Harry sat on the ground, naked, erection in hand. In his other hand was a ghastly picture of Dolores Umbridge that Harry had obviously magicked to be dancing in the nude. The picture Dolores gasped at the sight of Hermione of them and fled out of the picture.

The nastiest story evar!

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2322501/4/Secrets

Robo Jesus

10-31-2007, 10:18 PM

A quote regarding Scooby Doo.

The Cartoon Scooby Gang ends up in the Silent Hill as seen in the movies. What happens?

Pyramid Head is in reality a real estate investor who wants to drop the prices so that he can make a great profit when he later sells it off with a new city built there.

Hadoren

12-08-2007, 03:27 AM

You won't get it if you don't know about the anime Bleach.

Link: http://z14.invisionfree.com/The_Fanfiction_Forum/index.php?showtopic=6540
"The time has come," Aizen explained gently, "for you to recognise the inevitable. You have fought bravely. I salute you for it. You have made me pay dearly for my triumph but this is what it comes to. I have won. You cannot even seek to -"

Aizen was interupted as Ichigo hurled himself forwards, the ebon shape of his bankai moving faster than even the eyes of a veteran Shinigami Captain could track. It was a brief interuption, Aizen didn't even break step as three zanpakuto sliced through the brash ryoka, bringing him to the floor.

"In the end," Ulquiorra whispered as he stepped aside to watch Aizen step deliberately over the fallen swordsman, "You were merely trash."

Gin, unlike his leader, stepped on Ichigo, grinding him against the floor and the 'Substitute Shinigami' grit his teeth so as not to satisfy the other man's sadism. "Aizen gets the throne," the former captain of the Third Division whispered. "I get you, Ichi-kun."

"Please, my brothers," Aizen said gently to the two Captains. "Stand aside."

"You're no brother of mine," Shunsui growled, raising his zanpakuto.

"Ah, but am I not the prodigal son?" Aizen asked sweetly. "Come home for my portion -"

The rest of his argument was never to be voiced for as Jyuushiro slumped back against the doors, unable to even keep his arms under him, something happened that had not in the entire history of Seireitei taken place.

The great doors of the Hall of the Heavenly King swung open.

Halibel blinked and stepped forward to lead the Espada as they ranged themselves to guard their lord against whatever might lay within.

The man who walked out had presence. He wore black, not the robes of a shinigami but black leathers open to reveal a chiseled chest. His hair was ravenblack, scuplted with gel and he had sideburns.

"Oh you've got to be fucking kidding me," Ichigo choked.

"Don't be cruel," Elvis Presley admonished Aizen and caught Jyuushiro under the armpits, laying him gently on the floor. Then he stood and glared down at Aizen as everyone stared at him in bemusement. The silence drew out and then: “Look guys, if you're just going to stare at me, I'm going to bed!”