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Oneshot Shadows in the Graveyard by cloneserpents - T

Discussion in 'The Alternates' started by The-Hyphenated-One, May 25, 2007.

  1. The-Hyphenated-One

    The-Hyphenated-One Chief Warlock DLP Supporter

    Joined:
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    Messages:
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    Gender:
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    Location:
    Seattle
    Title:Shadows in the Graveyard
    Author: cloneserpents
    Rating: PG-13
    Genre: Action/Adventure
    DLP: Alternates
    Pairing: Unknown
    Words: 5,662
    Published: May 23, 2007
    Status: Complete

    Summary: Another take on the "How would Harry approach the Third Task if he was raised by someone new" story line. A bit of violence. Rated PG-13 or Teen.

    Link:http://www.ficwad.com/viewstory.php?sid=63478
    Link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3554030/1/Shadows-in-the-Graveyard

    Not sure if the author is planning on turning it into a full story, but it's a good enough idea to keep an eye on.



    Checked by Minion, Nov. 28, 2012
    The story is no longer available on ficwad, but can be found on ff.net
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 28, 2012
  2. malaga

    malaga Auror

    Joined:
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    639
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    New Zealand
    I quite enjoyed that, but it raised a few questions. Who is Mr. Allard? He does all this magic that no one else can, is an expert marksman, is a mental master, and can blend into the shadows. Why isn't Dumbledore making Harry go back to the Dursleys?

    When I finished the story, I was left with a 'that's it?' feeling. 3/5, for decent spelling and grammar, and a decent writing style. It'll never be great, but it killed a few minutes decently.
     
  3. KenderCleric

    KenderCleric Lord of Plot Bunnies

    Joined:
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    Terra Atlantus
    Hmm. Not too bad. Little short, little rushed, but all in all fairly decent. Not a huge fan of gunman!Harry though.

    3.5/5
     
  4. thapagan

    thapagan High Inquisitor

    Joined:
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    577
    I Also thought it was rushed. One way to re edit the story might be counting bullets. Four guns, seven bullets each, and more than twenty eight death eaters. Most are shot, a few are taken out hand to hand and a few are mind clouded into shooting each other.
    Or not?
    Kent Allard is the Shadow, also sometimes known as Lamont Cranston.
     
  5. deathinapinkboa

    deathinapinkboa Minister of Magic

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    1,284
    Location:
    Democratic Republic of The Congo
    meh. Not so much fun. It's okay

    3/5
     
  6. raja

    raja Fourth Year

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    Location:
    California, USA
    It was ok, but I too don't like stories where Harry just offs Voldemort with a shot to the head, its pretty dumb in my opinion... 2/5
     
  7. Swimdraconian

    Swimdraconian Denarii Host DLP Supporter

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    I'm a big fan of offing Voldemort in creative ways, but this fic went by too fast for me to enjoy it. Hmm.... 3.5/5
     
  8. rj_stone2

    rj_stone2 Seventh Year

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    New York
    I don't like non-humor stories where Harry doesn't have to struggle at all. If you're just going to have Harry go through Death Eaters like crap through a goose, you might as well make it entertaining...
     
  9. SmileOfTheKill

    SmileOfTheKill Magical Amber

    Joined:
    Mar 24, 2007
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    1,219
    Location:
    Florida, Sigh...
    I was completely wrong, horribly wrong.
    This still gets a 2.
     
    Last edited: May 27, 2007
  10. rj_stone2

    rj_stone2 Seventh Year

    Joined:
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    New York
    Did you read the thread? Or the story?

    Here's a hint from thepagan:
    Or from the story:
    There's absolutely nothing in this story about vampires.
     
  11. SmileOfTheKill

    SmileOfTheKill Magical Amber

    Joined:
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    Messages:
    1,219
    Location:
    Florida, Sigh...
    I was completely wrong, horribly wrong.
    This still gets a 2.
     
    Last edited: May 27, 2007
  12. Xenon

    Xenon Professor

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    Location:
    Lurk-Dome
    ...Your observations would have been more astute had The Shadow not been created in the 1930's.

    While it was an interesting read, it was rather dry, and although I do have a certain soft spot for early pulp heros like the shadow, his appearance was rather arbitrary in this case. Perhaps if it was presented with some back story, or was longer, I would have have rated it higher.

    2.5/5
     
  13. SmileOfTheKill

    SmileOfTheKill Magical Amber

    Joined:
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    Messages:
    1,219
    Location:
    Florida, Sigh...
    Well in that case, I guess I am an idiot.
    I do want to cry now!
     
  14. Lhefriel_Medies

    Lhefriel_Medies Fifth Year

    Joined:
    Apr 15, 2007
    Messages:
    153
    This isn't bad, but it isn't too good either. The "Clouding" thing seems a bit too overpowered, especially since no counter was introduced. Harry also seems too dependent and subordinate to his teacher, and not nearly as individualistic a Gunner!Harry should be. Sadly enough, this author doesn't write Badass! or Gunner!Harry neary as well as he does an Insane!Hermione. That's not saying much, but it does seem unrefined. This does have some length, but it also felt a bit too rushed and forced, and the Harry he made still seems weak. A lot of these could be easily remediable if he continues this and gives the story a bit more development, but for not I'm sticking with the seemingly regular 3.5/5. Not perfect, but a good way to waste 5-10 minutes. So...

    3.5/5
     
  15. This story was an idea I had where I answered the question “How would things be different if someone besides the Dursleys raised Harry?” Of course I answered this by using the Shadow. Halfway through the planning, I realized that this story was doomed to be abandoned. So I just wrote the climax of the story.
    Basically, I wanted to see if I could write something with a bit of action. In retrospect, I wish I could flesh out some bits, but real life and “Sword of Gryffindor” is taking up all of my time.
    Thanks for the critique and insight.

    By the way, I was using the books as a reference (my beta’s a huge fan of them). Lamont Cranston was the real name of the Shadow in the radio programs and movie but in the books, Cranston was just another alias. His real name was Kent Allard according to the books.

    Shawn (a.k.a. cloneserpents)