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Old 09-03-2009, 10:28 AM   #1
blablablub
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The Rise of Uzumaki Naruko by Dreetje - M

Title: The Rise of Uzumaki Naruko
Author: Dreetje
Rating: M
Category: General
DLP Category: Other Fandoms --> Naruto
Status: WIP [Words: 42,507]
Pairings: Naruto/Haku
Link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5051779/...Uzumaki_Naruko
Summary:
Naruko finally graduated from the Shinobi Academy and now the secrets of her past are revealed. Under the guidance of her Jounin Sensei Uzuki Yuugao she starts her career as a Kunoichi of Konoha. FemNaruko/FemHaku.

It's a good try on an femNaruto story, the idea itself and the characterization behind it, is done nicely.

Dreetje is a good author but I can't put my finger on it he sometimes he describe things in an awkward way, but then again it could be only me that finds it awkward.

Non the less I like this fic and the "other fandoms" section is nearly dead for awhile now.

4/5 form me.
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Old 09-03-2009, 12:18 PM   #2
Iztiak
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Quote:
“There is only one female Jounin sensei available and that’s Kurenai.” Sandaime explained. “While she would be a great teacher for Naruko, she has been asked to teach three other students. The other Jounin sensei are Hatake Kakashi and Sarutobi Asuma.” Here Yuugao winced as she knew that Naruko would never accept to be taught by either of those two. Kakashi because he was a pervert that kept reading that smut book of his and Asuma because of his smoking. “I see you understand why this is most troublesome.”

“I understand but what does that have to do with me?” Yuugao asked.

“I want you to become Naruko’s Jounin sensei.” Sandaime said dropping the bomb. “I know you like being in ANBU but I have nobody else I can count on.”

“I accept.” Yuugao said without hesitation shocking the Sandaime.

“While I’m glad that you accept, I would have thought that it would take you a bit longer to make that decision.” He remarked.

“Hokage-same, for the past six years I have considered Naruko-chan as my little sister.” Yuugao smiled. “For years I have wanted to help her but I was bound by my orders not to. Now I finally have the chance to be a true older sister to her so I don’t need any time to decide.”

“There’s another reason why I asked you this.” Sandaime admitted. “On the night of the incident Naruko was devastated, asking me why nobody loved her or why she was always alone. I made her a promise that on the day she graduated from the Academy I would tell her truth about why some people dislike her so much and about her parents.”
First. "Would not accept to be taught." I hate that. He/she is a ninja. Ninja's follow directions or they end up never being seen or heard from again. Especially genin ninjas. As they have absolutely no say in absolutely anything. They're useless and need to learn from anyone that is assigned to teach them or they are tossed out.

Second, she considered her to be my little sister though she'd never talked to or met her? Seriously that's just a retarded moment.

I just noticed the next moment as I went back to reviewing. -_-
Quote:
“Sandaime-sama asked me to become Naru-chan’s Jounin sensei.” Yuugao said happily hugging Anko close to her.

“You said yes right? Please tell me you said yes.” Anko wanted to know. She too loved the blonde girl to bits as she had been charged with guarding her when she was little but she doubted Naruko remembered her.

“Of course I said yes.” Yuugao said rolling her eyes. “Starting tomorrow I’m officially the Jounin sensei of Uzumaki Naruko.”

“That’s great; so will you ask her to move in with us?” Anko asked excited. The two of them had wanted to ask her for years but they never could as they weren’t allowed to compromise Yuugao’s identity as an ANBU.

“If we do, we’ll have to tell her about us.” Yuugao said thinking. “Are you okay with that?”
The writing here is just incredibly OOC. "loved her to bits" ?

And the story is filled with stuff like this.

Quote:
“I knew I could count on you Naru-chan.” The Sandaime said while putting his hand on her shoulder. “I have no doubt that the ‘will of fire’ burns greatly with you and I’m sure that one day you’ll become the greatest Hokage Konoha has ever had.”

“Damn right, I will be the best.” Naruko smirked but quickly apologized when Yuugao looked at her strictly for using such language.
Swear words, oh my! Proper and upstanding ninjas cannot bear to hear such talk.

Quote:
Anko and Yuugao smiled and explained that it was possible that a girl preferred other girls over boys and that there were boys who liked boys instead of girls. It was just that society frowned a bit on those people that they mostly tried to hide it so they wouldn’t get into trouble. They also explained that there was nothing wrong with a girl liking girls or a boy liking boys; it was just the way things were. Naruko seemed to accept this quite easily and said that she didn’t have any problems with them being together.
There's nothing wrong with it, but it seems like this would fit better in a gay awareness/education pamphlet than in a fanfiction. O_o

Quote:
“Well, normally no Genin would be allowed to enter HQ like this but since you’re my student Hokage-sama arranged it to be okay.” Yuugao winked at her. “But I should probably tell you that the location of any entrance is an A-Class secret so don’t tell anyone.”
Arranged for it to be ok. >_< Also, apparently in this story, even ANBU who have quit are allowed to drop by whenever they like.

Quote:
“Let’s see; there’s Tora again.” Yuugao and Naruko both put their arms in a cross showing that they didn’t want that one. “There’s also walking out the dog of Mrs. Yamaguchi.” Again a cross sign. “Cleaning up the garbage at the riverside. “ Cross. “And finally babysitting the three kids of the Tanaka household.”
Wtf. But anyway, I realized I forgot to mention that Naruko is on a team with only Yuugao on it in this story. I don't think it's explained, it's just part of the story.

I'm going to end the review here, it was hard enough to force myself this far.

1/5
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Old 09-03-2009, 01:36 PM   #3
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To our little princess;

We’re writing this scroll knowing that this would be the only thing we would be able to leave you. This is without a doubt the most painful thing we had ever had to do. On this very moment Kyuubi is attacking the outer limits of the village and as Hokage (yes your dad is the awesome Yondaime you heard so much about) I have to fight it and protect the ones I love. I also know that this will be my last fight; Kyuubi cannot be defeated like any other enemy. Kyuubi is a demon and so many times stronger than a shinobi, even a shinobi as strong (and awesome) as me. Knowing this I started searching for another way to defeat it and I believe I have found it.

But this solution comes with a great cost, a cost of a human life. If it would have only been my life it would have gladly given it but unfortunately this is not the case. While I will die fighting the Kyuubi it’s your life I have to sacrifice and for that I’m so very sorry. I’m going to seal the demon inside your body making you a prison for him. You will the one who will save our village every day of your life. You will stop him from destroying everything and everyone we love. You will be a hero amongst hero’s but by doing this I know that I’m sentencing you to a very hard life and for that I apologize once more. Know that I have the utmost confidence in you; I know that you will be able to do what I am not. Defeating Kyuubi and protecting our village and loved ones.

The reason nobody told you about us is that I had a large number of enemies inside and outside of Konoha. I was responsible for the death of a large number of Iwa shinobi during the war and they have always been very hostile towards me after the war. If they knew I had a child they would have send assassins to kill you and I couldn’t let that happen to my little princess.

You may have noticed that your mum hasn’t written anything and there’s a reason for that. I’m very sorry to say that your mother is very sick at the moment (which is not your fault so don’t even think such a thing!), your mother has gotten very sick at the end of her pregnancy and the Medic Nin fears that she won’t be able the bear the strain of giving birth to you. But know that she loves more than life itself. She’s looking forward to holding you in her arms and she has a big smile on her face knowing you’re almost ready to meet the world. She already talks about you and the things she will teach you when you were older. Your mum is an amazing woman, Naru-chan. Kushina is a bit of a tomboy, always hanging around with the guys but she’s everything I could ever wish for in a partner and lover. I’m sure you’ll look just like her thus making you the most beautiful girl on the planet (yes I just said that because it’s true.)

As for me, I have never been more proud than the moment your mum said she was pregnant with a baby girl. I knew right there and then that you would be the greatest kunoichi Konoha or the elemental countries have ever seen. I have loved you since the moment your mom and I knew she was pregnant and I loved you more and more each passing day. I’m so proud to be your daddy and I love you very much. Never forget that.

Inside the other scrolls are several of my original jutsu that I have made and that made me the man I am today. This is my legacy for you Naruko. The Namikaze clan is not a big or famous clan like the Uchiha or the Hyuuga so we’re not rich and we don’t own a large estate but we were always happy with what we had and more importantly we had love. Make sure you find someone to love, princess because love will enable you to become truly strong.

Well, I guess this is it. There were so many things your mother and I wanted to teach you, we wanted to see you grow up happily and find love. So as your parents we give you a mission. The mission is to get as strong as you can, find love and be happy. This is our mission to you.

With all our love,

Mom and Dad.
It's something like this that always ends any interest in a story for me. This goes for stories in any fandom, Harry Potter and Naruto, especially. It's cousin also tends to end stories for me (abused!Protagonist).

I mean, sure, Harry/Naruto can have loving, caring parents, especially if their presence is insigificant to the plot. But the presence of a letter explaining the motives of the dead is just bad writing. Naruto (Naruko) and the reader should be left wondering the thoughts and feelings of other characters, at least, for some small portion of the story. To assuage us that Minato and Kushina aren't evil twisted people bent on subjecting their child to agony and social stigma just shows us the author has no real interest in exploring Naruto's character. Perhaps I just can't put my feelings on this eloquently, but the presence of a letter like this in a story just destroys any potential development that could be even remotely interesting.

What's worse? It always introduces some lame power up item. Like a will, or in this case, the family uber jutsu scrolls. I don't even need to read further to know how those will impact the story.

The second thing that turned me off to this story was the lack of any significant change. Okay, Naurto's a girl. So what? Has anything really changed? No. The conflicts will all basically remain the same, except Naruto will be touchy-feely and have many girl-friends. Now it could deviate from this, but after skimming the first chapter (actually, I read it up until the letter and just couldn't take it anymore), I highly doubt it.

This is a good example of bad fanfiction. I would go so far as to say it's the bane of fanfiction (if we pardon slash crackfics).

Last edited by Chime; 09-03-2009 at 01:41 PM.
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Old 09-03-2009, 02:15 PM   #4
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Not only that but the letter smacks of insecurity and want.

Somebody's not getting huged enough at home:awesome
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Old 09-03-2009, 02:18 PM   #5
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Meh, I read the first few chapters when they came out in late spring. In its defense, the story was readable compared to the vast majority of Naruto fics written.

I was confused however as to why the author decided to pair fem!Naruto and fem!Haku. I mean...they're both guys in canon. The more I think about it the more it seems like slash-lite.

As noted above, the story itself is sort of ridiculous. It reads like canon - except thar be lesbians here. And as exciting as lesbians are, they don't make up for shady grammar and poor plotting.

2/5

Even with all the criticism, this still is better than 95% of Naruto stories out there.
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Old 09-03-2009, 11:22 PM   #6
ZeroTheDestroyer
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I am going to puke -1/5- why do all Fem!Naru fic suck ballz, and not in a good way? Does Nugar have the only good Fem!Naruto fic? Does he! thar be lesbians -I love Lesbians!
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Old 09-04-2009, 02:20 AM   #7
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Even with all the criticism, this still is better than 95% of Naruto stories out there.
Isnt that sad?

I took a look at the fic.

Everything that needed to be said has been said. so yeah...
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Old 09-04-2009, 01:00 PM   #8
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As a fan of fem!Naruto stories, I tried reading this one awhile back and honestly I don't think I made it past the first chapter.

It's shit. Period.

Not even hot fem!Naruto/fem!Haku lesbian sex could make up for this abortion of a fic.
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