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Old 08-16-2012, 04:55 PM   #21
Portus
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I should let this thread die; I'll admit I have little to add, and I don't read DM/HG under any circumstances, let alone when I haven't caught up with the WBA here in, oh, a few months. So I'm not piling on - honest. As Vash points out, the OP has weathered the storm better than probably 90 percent of those coming here looking for praise, etc.

Still, I thought this was funny, and I do hope it was intentional --

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Originally Posted by undsy1525 View Post
Everything is dully noted... I want to improve my story, and I think that this helped.
If so, well played, madam. Well played.

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I'm going to keep practicing, and who knows? Maybe in a year or two, I'll knock your socks off, eh?
Don't wait. Post your story (or stories) in the WBA for truly honest critiques and advice. Just, well, don't say we didn't warn you if what you post is more DM/HG or similar. That's pretty much blood in the water or whatever metaphor will spark a mental image of being torn apart by a pack of dingos.

Since you're purported to be a female from Arkansas, let me surmise you're white. Picture, then, you and your bestest friend have gone to L.A. only to get lost and have your truck break down in what's colloquially known in AR as 'the ghetto.' You and she are now surrounded by a dozen or so large, muscular, white-girl-lovin', afro'd black men and their booti-licious, whitey-hating significant others. I hope that gives you a sense of the ramifications, from an Arkansas perspective, of posting DM/HG in the WBA.

Welcome, though. In all seriousness, post your stuff and you'll be improving quicker than you can say 'START THE TRUCK, RHONDA!'
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Old 08-16-2012, 06:52 PM   #22
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thumps up for metaphors.

Specifically the dingo one.
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Old 08-16-2012, 10:55 PM   #23
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... I ... What did I just read? I don't even... I haven't the faintest idea if that's relevant or not, so I will leave you with something that is both relevant and irrelevant.

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Old 08-19-2012, 04:32 PM   #24
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I may have missed someone pointing this out, but just in case:

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next morning I apparated into Hogsmeade, near the intersection of Knockturn and Diagon Alley
Unless you intended to use AU, that is completely wrong, Diagon and Knockturn are both in London, where as Hogsmeade is in Scotland, just down the road from Hogwarts. Perhaps you meant the Leaky Cauldron?

Other than that, and some overt punctuation, spelling errors it's not a bad idea, personally I don't really like it, but that's more out of preference than quality. Good luck improving it.
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Old 08-20-2012, 01:22 PM   #25
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My biggest gripe with this is that anyone could think that Hermione might be willing to date Draco after the events in the last book. They were just on opposite sides of a war. She was tortured in his house. Frankly, I don't really understand why the Malfoys weren't arrested after Voldemort died.
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Old 08-21-2012, 11:03 AM   #26
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My biggest gripe with this is that anyone could think that Hermione might be willing to date Draco after the events in the last book. They were just on opposite sides of a war. She was tortured in his house. Frankly, I don't really understand why the Malfoys weren't arrested after Voldemort died.
Probably because Harry's a sissy and stopped him being arrested? According to DD: "He didn't do anything", which is bullshit. He should of been killed for treason (allowing DE's into the school).
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Old 08-21-2012, 11:43 AM   #27
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He should of been killed for treason (allowing DE's into the school).
Lolwut? Treason is a crime against a country or government, what government was there inside Hogwarts. If anything Harry and co were the ones that committed treason, since they were the ones fighting against the government in DH.
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Old 08-21-2012, 11:53 AM   #28
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Probably because Harry's a sissy and stopped him being arrested? According to DD: "He didn't do anything", which is bullshit. He should of been killed for treason (allowing DE's into the school).
Luckily, you took care of that treasonous bastard.
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Old 08-21-2012, 12:03 PM   #29
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Lolwut? Treason is a crime against a country or government, what government was there inside Hogwarts. If anything Harry and co were the ones that committed treason, since they were the ones fighting against the government in DH.
Still considered treason. He defected to a terrorist group. He went against his own country (the school's included in this). He was planning on killing DD (who is a governmental official). Though the school is still in Scotland, he had the motive of betraying his own country. Therefore treason = death.

And my story is absolute crap, lol. I still have it posted as a reminder to other people that I couldn't write for beans. That might've changed recently, but I don't really have an inclination to write anything.
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