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Old 12-09-2008, 06:57 PM   #1
magiquill9
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Changing Allegiance, by magiquill9 PG-13

Title: Changing Allegiance
Author: Magiquill9
Rating: T
Genre: Action/Drama
DLP Category:Time-travel
Pairing: Harry/various Slytherins throughout the story
Status: Work in Progress
Summary: Harry goes back in time to his sorting and becomes a Slytherin. Voldemort is inside his head, and Future-Harry isn't able to merge so there are three people in Harry's head. Voldemort prevents Harry from seeing all his memories of the future, so he's only able to see them slowly. eventual dark!Harry, and the series gets darker as it goes along. Currently in the middle of year three.
Link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4010955/...ing_Allegiance
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Old 12-09-2008, 07:41 PM   #2
eXcalite
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After reading that summary I'm rather anxious about reading this story but I'll give it a try.
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Old 12-09-2008, 07:45 PM   #3
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Oh wow a Slytherin OC named Lillian Moon AKA Lily, who adds absolutely nothing to the story and instead replaces the need to create personalities for the other Slytherins beyond "Ya I'll help you, but what are you going to do for me?"
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Old 12-09-2008, 07:52 PM   #4
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It was extremely boring after a while. I skipped a lot of chapters and read a few at random. It's just not library worthy because it's quite dull. 2.5/5 from me.
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Old 12-09-2008, 07:54 PM   #5
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Canon-Cop says there is a "Moon" at Hogwarts in Harry's year, only even less present than your usual Daphne/Tracey/etc.

Edit: Yes, Link.

So no OC.
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Old 12-09-2008, 07:57 PM   #6
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I remember thinking the idea was a solid one when I first started the story, and thought it had potential. And then it got to the end of the first book and I stopped reading it. The idea of an 11 year old telling his teacher's what to do and them listening irked me.
And didn't the second Harry argue with the original Gryffindor Harry like he is better and smarter just because he was sorted in Slytherin, despite the fact that Gryffindor Harry is older?

Harry really can't argue with Harry, they are the same person! So now, I just click on the link when it comes out and be disappointed.
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Old 12-09-2008, 08:04 PM   #7
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I think you're probably right lulu. I started the writing at book 1 but my mindset was already at book 4, so the ps rewrite became crap, and anything beyond that struggles to be any better because its' foundation is not very solid.
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Old 12-09-2008, 09:04 PM   #8
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lol. Your lack of self-confidence is amusing.
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Old 12-10-2008, 01:17 PM   #9
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Moon is present at the Sorting, but we don’t learn this student’s name or House. The classlist shows that her first name began with the letters “Lil…,” suggesting “Lillian” or “Lilith” (I don’t believe JKR would give a minor character the same name as Harry’s mother). This is a highly evocative name: Lilith was a Persian night-demon, and there are apocryphal but persistent legends that she was the first wife of Adam; while “Lillian” is yet another “lily” name.
The name “Moon” might have been intended to remind us of the moon — it could be that this character was a proto-Luna, hence axed once JKR had decided to put Luna in a different year from Harry. However, the surname didn’t originally refer to the moon: it is probably a corruption of the Irish “O’Mochain,” and means something like “punctual!” That would suggest an orderly, somewhat dull person, in startling contrast to her fascinating first name. Perhaps she is the prototypical quiet student whose reserve hides a wealth of imagination and inner secrets.
JKR apparently considered calling this student “Malone,” which is also an Irish name and means “bald John” — the original John being bald because he was a monk. The names “Malone” and “Moon” predominate in the fair city of Dublin, suggesting that Miss Moon lives in Ireland’s capital, the home of U2 and Riverdance, and the centre of fine linen and crystal. If she hasn’t been distracted by Muggle sports such as Irish rugby and greyhound racing, she would support the Kenmare Kestrels.
This essayist could bullshit in the Olympics.
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Old 12-10-2008, 02:38 PM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JoJo23 View Post
This essayist could bullshit in the Olympics.
LOL... that just proves that if you ever do something that is worth the attention of the masses, later there will be for sure someone who would try to interpret the meaning of your fart as the answer to the born of life on the planet...
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Old 12-10-2008, 02:39 PM   #11
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Interesting premise, weak execution.

So we have the usual Harry goes back in time schtick, right? but the author throws a curve ball, Voldemort rides along!

Not only that but he fights future Harry, throwing a wrench in the "soul merge" so prevalent in these stories (mine too, of course). So far, very original take on the whole Harry goes back in time thing.

The prologue was sweet too. I loved it.

But once you're past the prologue and a couple of initial chapters, it becomes very...ordinary. Same ol' same ol' stuff. Although, there are moments of sweetness when little Harry absorbs some of Voldemort's personality traits/ magical strength/ memories, and uses them on various characters (usually Snape).

Op~

You have a cool idea here, and some of the things you've done are truly very entertaining and exciting to read. But the general following of canon is killing it for me, along with the new set of Slytherin friends. Also, don't stray so far from your premise, you have a nice setup of Voldemort VS future Harry in little Harry's mind/soul fighting for supremacy. Get edgier with that, go a little less Disney and more Sleepy Hollow meets Silent Hill.

Are you rewriting?
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Old 12-10-2008, 02:59 PM   #12
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The universe Harry is transported from is AU, and the one where he arrives is canon?

In the prologue, Harry should have been more disoriented.

Quote:
Harry Potter was one person who could attest the fact that fate is a bitch. Harry Potter survived again, only he was living seven years in the past.
I expected some confusion, and then the realization.

I didn't mind Lillian overly much, but I did detest the first chapter. After Harry is sorted into Slytherin, you plunge into the day-to-day filler with classes, the same confrontation with Snape in Potions. Gets mundane really fast.

Then the psuedo-cliffhanger isn't much of one at all, with the Gringotts break in. That in itself is alright, but not the treatment of it as a mystery. It is as if you think your audience is clueless.

Cut everything, everything, from canon out.

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Old 12-21-2008, 09:00 PM   #13
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Well over all, the writing is pretty good. I detected very few spelling or grammar errors at all. That is always a plus when a self-confessed Grammar Nazi is reading.

Over all I would say that aside for Harry not being disoriented enough in the begining, the story does gradually become rather dull after a bit. Although the time traveling from an AU timeline to a more or less canon time line is a bit different. Its still read worthy, but I do not feel it library worth.

2.9/5
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Old 02-07-2009, 02:51 AM   #14
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I do like this story despite the fact that it follows canon closely and features the rarer canon characters which are pretty much OC's.

The author finished the 3rd book and now just started the 4th in his most recent update. I was reasonably entertained up until this point, although it looks like the next update might be awhile.

eh, 4/5
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Old 04-07-2009, 05:17 AM   #15
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The story has been updated. I have been following it for a while. The premise of the story itself was solid, but weak execution has made it rather lackluster.

The new update was even worse in my opinion. Depending on the amount of time it took for the new chapter to come out I was hoping for something really good. I was disappointed, the author spent most of the story describing silly and foolish pranks between Harry and his friends which served no higher purpose in the story.

The author is also starting to develop some serious love for cliff-hangers. This chapter probably had the third consecutive one. The problem is that he is not able to do justice to this surprising endings in the consecutive chapter. Probably trying to keep the readers interested in the story enough to check for the next update.

Weak and bland writing mars the last few chapters. I will give it 1/5.
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Old 05-18-2009, 11:57 AM   #16
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I personally liked this story. I'm a fan of Slytherin!Harry, and thought that this was well done, though not to the extent of the Grey Maiden series. It's well written; however, Harry is just too detached. He just sort of blinks when Lupin falls dead, and buys some bullshit excuse not to try to save him when he goes back in time. This is one of his father's best friends! And a professor that Harry likes. His nonchalance at Lupin's death was just too OOC for me to overlook, and I dropped the story.

Overall, 2.5/5, rounded up to 3/5.
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Old 08-16-2009, 08:53 AM   #17
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I'm bringing this back up, and I intend to reinvite the author back to DLP. As we've got the neglected section and thus going through a backlog of old fics in our library, I thought I'd bring attention back to this one.

It's one story in terms of ff.net, but has breaking points within and is clearly intended to be the full seven series. Currently in the middle of book three, but with a bit of a hiatus. Course, they're long chapters, and summer plans... I wouldn't say it's abandoned yet.

The beginning is a bit bland, and I suspect most people gave it up as okay but not enough to justify. It's not bad by any means. Nuhuh said it best when he sums it up as a good idea with weak execution. Though I think that's oversimplified...

Book one certainly seems disappointing. The problem is that the idea itself is so interesting, that to go through book one basically with the same plot is a bit of a let down. Made moreso because both the author and the character show flashes of nice creative jumps and interesting new ideas.

It improves as time goes on, partially due I think to the continued divergence from canon (though not entirely), but also because I think magiquill's own abilities have grown from writing.

The characters are interesting. Harry's blend might not be perfect, but it's evident that he's a little more dark, a little more... self confidant, as time goes on. It's not as if the original premise (future self and Voldemort getting sent back and slowly merging with Harry) was an idea that let Harry be sent to Slytherin and then discarded. It follows with the plot, and it's interesting. Harry isn't always right, he's not perfect... but he's a good character, the sort of HP we here at DLP like.

Malfoy is well done. Both a massive ponce, but actually showing some sense of priority and willing to work if not with Harry, then beside him when shit hits the fan. Harry's friends are all canon OCs for the most part - Daphne and Astoria (my natural bias aside for the mo'...), Blaise, Tracey, and Moon. But while at times they are perhaps too obviously 'different', the author has done a nice job of making them actual children with varying personalities.

Problem is Hermione. She's written well enough, and the up-and-down friendship between the two of them is generally beleivable, but I'd argue that her relative acceptance with the rest of Harry's group is perhaps a bit... not quite right. She's not hanging out with them all the time or anything - she's more of a secondary character who Harry talks to from time to time at most (or at least, as far as I've read right now, 2nd year Christmas).

Zabini's parents (father in particular) seem to be more comic relief whilst still trying to mesh with the story, and logically it doesn't quite seem to work.

A few stylistic problems in the writing, but nothing to really make you hit the big red x. "After class, the slytherins retreated to the dungeons to washup and do homework. After washing up and doing homework, Harry..." That sort of awkward phrasing stuck up in a few locations, but it wasn't often, and it was the most grating of anything I could find.

Overall, a very nice 4/5. Not the most exciting or thrilling story you'll read, but for a big overarching story that shows a very interesting 'what if', without just mindnumblingly repeating canon, this is very nice. It's fun, it's quick, it's refreshing - to see Harry actually acting his age and still showing a competance towards magic.

So unless in next few chapters the fic suddenly spirals beyond all sense of normality, I'd give this a 4/5.

To DLP: This is exactly the sort of author we want to attract here. The idea is good, the writing is solid... but with some serious and honest critiquing, and a good ol' run through the WbA, this could be of the calibre to sit on the top shelf of our library. Even if the author never intends to rewrite (and I can see why they'd be hesitant, given the scope that's been done and in fairness it's fully readable as is) I think it could only improve the quality of the final four books.
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Old 08-16-2009, 05:15 PM   #18
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I'm in Vlad! Well said!

In fact, I just got a story alert for it, with the authors note. I am just about ot reread it, as it looks reasonably good. Will edit with my review.
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