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Old 08-16-2009, 06:49 PM   #1
Mufasa
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Calamari by shredder of paper - T

Title: Calimari
Author: shredder of paper
Rating: T
Genre: General
DLP Category: General Fics.
Pairing: Harry Potter and Padma P.
Status: Work in Progress
Summary: Beaten and broken, an infant Harry Potter finds himself on the bottom of the great lake. He is wisked to safety, but the real question is not by who, but by what?
Link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5262708/1/Calamari

Last edited by Tinn Tam; 08-19-2009 at 07:41 AM.
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Old 08-16-2009, 07:01 PM   #2
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I feel reasonably certain that you, my not-friend, failed to read a sticky aptly titled "Read before posting!", but I'm not even sure it matters ... Squid!Harry?

Edit:
On second thought, you can redeem yourself by adding the required details to your post and ending the stoy with this line: But as Harry's arms inextricablely tangled in the propeller of the Mercury 250 PS, all that was left was Calamari.
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“Someone is going to pay.”

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Last edited by Sesc; 08-16-2009 at 07:28 PM.
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Old 08-16-2009, 07:16 PM   #3
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Shockingly enough, this is not the worst story ever. The author actually has some scope of the English language, and an idea that's just fucked up enough and tongue-in-cheek enough to maybe work.

...at least, I hope tongue-in-cheek enough, with lines like
Quote:
“I AM NOT!” Harry suddenly ejaculated. “I just got my cootie blocker.”
I'll keep an eye on it, but its too early to rate it.

Also, lern2formatz, and read the stickies.

EDIT: A few questions come to mind.
1. Is this your story, or are you a new member who just thought this was the greatest thing since sliced bread and HAD to post it here? Review tends to be harsher on those authors who join and immediately post their stories, though there are exceptions (notably me, back in the day :P).
2. Why did you post this in Review, and not in WbA? Review tends to be harsher, and with a story with a crazy premise...I think you'd do better in WbA, to be honest.
3. In addition to the standard format, why not tell us a little bit more about the story afterward - convince us that we should read it! (Though I already did, of course)
4. Post an intro. Not a question per se, but *a fine recommendation so that we can get to know you and be your friends.
5. Do you honestly believe that this is a "General" story? I advise you read some of the stories in that category - I hope that this story is a Humor/Parody, because even if it takes itself seriously, I don't really think Squid!Harry can ever be a serious story.

* Better Tinn?

Yes, much better. :P
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Last edited by Tinn Tam; 08-18-2009 at 07:02 AM.
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Old 08-16-2009, 07:48 PM   #4
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LOL - "the cephalopod who lived" may just be one of the greatest lines in the fandom.

After Harry meets his grisly end from Sesc's propeller, I propose that his remains make their way to Voldemort. The prophecy will be fulfilled when he chokes on some fried calamari.
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Old 08-16-2009, 08:00 PM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kmfrank View Post
1. Is this your story, or are you a new member who just thought this was the greatest thing since sliced bread and HAD to post it here? Review tends to be harsher on those authors who join and immediately post their stories, though there are exceptions (notably me, back in the day :P).
It's mine. You can be harsh, that's fine... constructive criticism is very helpful to me.

Quote:
2. Why did you post this in Review, and not in WbA? Review tends to be harsher, and with a story with a crazy premise...I think you'd do better in WbA, to be honest.
As above, I need harshness to hone my technique.

Quote:
3. In addition to the standard format, why not tell us a little bit more about the story afterward - convince us that we should read it! (Though I already did, of course)
It's a fanfiction about Harry Potter as a squid. What more is there to say? I think it speaks for itself.

Quote:
4. Post an intro. Not a question per se, but do it.
Sure. I'll do it later. For now, I'm going to eat.

Quote:
5. Do you honestly believe that this is a "General" story? I advise you read some of the stories in that category - I hope that this story is a Humor/Parody, because even if it takes itself seriously, I don't really think Squid!Harry can ever be a serious story.
I'm trying my damnedest to make a story about a squid wizard, or squizard, serious. It can be hard at times, as evidenced by the line you quoted above, but I intend to do my best. I'm a man who likes a challenge.
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Old 08-16-2009, 08:13 PM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mufasa View Post
Title: Calimari
Author: shredder of paper
Rating: T
Genre: General
DLP Category: General Fics.
Pairing: Harry Potter and Padma P.
Status: Work in Progress
Summary: Beaten and broken, an infant Harry Potter finds himself on the bottom of the great lake. He is wisked to safety, but the real question is not by who, but by what?
Link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5262708/1/Calamari
You win many internets and are now my favourite noobie.
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Old 08-16-2009, 08:14 PM   #7
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Squizard... Sounds like a pokemon.

The idea sounds ridiculous enough to actually be worth taking a look at.
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Old 08-16-2009, 08:19 PM   #8
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Originally Posted by Seratin View Post
You win many internets and are now my favourite noobie.
Oh god, I didn't even notice the pairing. Padma is going to be one kinky little girl, isn't she? Whatever will Harry do with all those extra arms?
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Old 08-16-2009, 08:46 PM   #9
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Squid!Harry?
WTF!

I must read...
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Old 08-16-2009, 09:37 PM   #10
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I'm trying to keep my expectations low while also squee-ing like a little girl at the thought of Padma doing it with a tentacle monster.
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Old 08-16-2009, 10:03 PM   #11
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Are you sure this isn't meant to be a parody? Because the idea sure as hell lends itself to that genre. I'm not saying it can't be done seriously, and you seem to be a decent job of doing so, but it's obvious: the lulz-potential is strong with this one.

A note: Check your spelling. It's "Pomfrey," not "Pomphrey." I believe you also misspelled Gryffindor once.

I'll refrain from rating a story so early, but the potential for an original story is huge.
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Old 08-16-2009, 10:36 PM   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by darklordmike View Post
LOL - "the cephalopod who lived" may just be one of the greatest lines in the fandom.
Quote:
Originally Posted by darklordmike View Post
Oh god, I didn't even notice the pairing. Padma is going to be one kinky little girl, isn't she? Whatever will Harry do with all those extra arms?
^^

I think I'm going to skip on this one, for the sake of my sanity. Nevertheless, I wish you the best of luck with completing your ahh unique fic.
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Old 08-16-2009, 10:55 PM   #13
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So just from the first chapter we've got an insane Pomfrey, Potters who apparently will not die on Halloween, belief that Neville is the BWL, Voldemort being wiped out without crazy blood sacrifice protections, and a Dumbledore who is incompetent to the point that he's not fast enough to outdraw his school nurse. Interesting.

I read through this a while back, but I'll withhold judgment until there's more to go on. Tentative 3/5 just for the Harry/Padma thing, since I'm a sucker for that pairing.

I'll see the "seems like a parody" sentiment, and raise the "this seems like setup for Harry Potter hentai!" notion.
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Old 08-16-2009, 11:15 PM   #14
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mufasa View Post
Title: Mon Calamari
It's a trap!

Otherwise, too short to rate, although doesn't seem so great. Actually, it seems a really stupid idea to me. 2.5/5 so far.
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Old 08-17-2009, 12:28 AM   #15
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kmfrank
Review tends to be harsher on those authors who join and immediately post their stories, though there are exceptions (notably me, back in the day :P).
Smug bastard. When will you get around to updating E2D?
--
On topic, Squizard!Harry ftw.

Your writing is definitely on par with DLP standards, but the finer nuances need work. If you were looking for a well-rounded critique session, you'd have been better off posting this in the WbA section. But since you're a n00b, ignorant of the ways of DLP, I'll indulge you just this once.

I like your opening paragraph. The portrait POV is very original. But ...
Quote:
Madeline Augustine sat straight-backed and ridged in her seat. The regality of her posture transformed the simplistic carpentry into the subtle work of a master.
And shortly after ...

Quote:
It was then that Madeline finally discovered her voice. “What the fuck do you think you’re doing!”
Jarring irony, much? A jaded ex-aristocrat dropping F-bombs is just plain ridiculous.
--

Also, you seem to have an issue with keeping your tenses consistent :

Quote:
It seems Professor McGonagall would have to alter her opinion of her boss after tonight. She had never seen him so furious.
--
Quote:
Alice abandoned her training, knowing Moody would be furious. She should keep fighting, any lapse in concentration could mean her death, but how could she abandon her husband?
First sentence is a nonsensical jumble of words. Tense-wise, the whole thing is fucked.
--

And this...
Quote:
COLOR="#ff0000"]There was nothing she could do but compassionately render Frank unconscious. She was never much at healing.[/COLOR]
Not wrong, per se, but odd word choice. Try 'knocked him unconscious'/'stunned him' and 'not much of a healer' instead.
--
Quote:
a pilar of earth rising beneath him
Quote:
jumping from the pilar and into the infirmary
Hmm ... that's twice you mispelled 'pillar'. I hope for your sake they are typos.
--
Quote:
“Cute isn’t he?” Voldemort asked placing the child on his lap
I'll pretend I never read that.
--

I won't bother getting into the second chapter. OP, now you know what to work on. Focus on your tenses and try not to use flowery words in the wrong context (kinda defeats the purpose of flaunting one's vocabulary).

I'll refrain from rating this thread. I really wish you'd posted this after you'd gotten a dozen more chapters out of the way - would likely have made it to the library. However, given the current word count, it'll probably be squatting here and gathering cyber-dust for a while, or get bumped to the Rec Bin.
--
Quote:
Originally Posted by rogueboy View Post
Tentative 3/5 just for the Harry/Padma thing, since I'm a sucker for that pairing.
I really REALLY hope you didn't rate this thread. A Harry/Padma ship (however much appealing it may be ) isn't grounds enough to rate a fic.

EDIT:
LOL. I just read Amerision's latest update. First cephalopod!smut, and now Ink!Girl smut. DLP is truly fucked up.
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Old 08-17-2009, 12:39 AM   #16
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I really REALLY hope you didn't rate this thread. A Harry/Padma ship (however much appealing it may be ) isn't grounds enough to rate a fic.
I did not. My current opinion is 3/5, but am withholding until I either see more or... well, it gets recycled/trashed. Two chapters isn't enough.
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Old 08-17-2009, 12:52 AM   #17
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Hrmm, I'm going to wait until everything is published before I rate.

But this does make me hungry...

Mmmm, calamari.
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Old 08-17-2009, 12:57 AM   #18
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This is pretty twisted...yet I can't look away. I added it to my alerts, and, like everyone is saying, I'll probably rate it after another chapter or two.

I'm actually interested in seeing how everyone discovers Harry is alive. I hope it's not another fic that has McGonagall see where the letter to Harry is addressed, and everyone rushes out to save him or some shit.
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Old 08-17-2009, 01:00 AM   #19
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Averis View Post
I'm trying to keep my expectations low while also squee-ing like a little girl at the thought of Padma doing it with a tentacle monster.
Reminds me of Tony Shalhoub (Monk) in Galaxy Quest (with Tim Allen) doing it with the alien chick who had all the tentacles. Pretty damn funny.

On topic? The story sounds like massive fail, but I'm unlikely to ever read it, so I'll refrain from rating.
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Old 08-17-2009, 01:20 AM   #20
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On topic, Squizard!Harry ftw.

Your writing is definitely on par with DLP standards, but the finer nuances need work. If you were looking for a well-rounded critique session, you'd have been better off posting this in the WbA section. But since you're a n00b, ignorant of the ways of DLP, I'll indulge you just this once.
Why thank you! Yeah, I'll admit to being ignorant of this place--A friend just told me thaat I should try posting here. I saw a 'for review' section and thought that'd be he best place. Perhaps I should've tried WbP, now that I look around, but I didn't know.

Quote:
I like your opening paragraph. The portrait POV is very original. But ...


And shortly after ...


Jarring irony, much? A jaded ex-aristocrat dropping F-bombs is just plain ridiculous.
Seems like it to you? I thought that made an impact to show just how far she's dropped. She was a sweet woman all her life but fate played a cruel trick, and it made her quite bitter.


Quote:
Also, you seem to have an issue with keeping your tenses consistent :
Um. Yeah. Oops. I should go back and fix that. Thanks for pointing it out!


Quote:
First sentence is a nonsensical jumble of words. Tense-wise, the whole thing is fucked.
Alright. Looking it over, you seem to be correct.


Quote:
And this...


Not wrong, per se, but odd word choice. Try 'knocked him unconscious'/'stunned him' and 'not much of a healer' instead.
Meh. Maybe. I like my wording, but I could see it being awkward.


Quote:
Hmm ... that's twice you mispelled 'pillar'. I hope for your sake they are typos.
Um...spell check did not pick up on that. Gah, I need an editor.


Quote:
I'll pretend I never read that.
What? Voldy can't have a human side?

Quote:
I won't bother getting into the second chapter. OP, now you know what to work on. Focus on your tenses and try not to use flowery words in the wrong context (kinda defeats the purpose of flaunting one's vocabulary).
I'll try, it's a bit of a problem I have with all of my writing.

Quote:
I'll refrain from rating this thread. I really wish you'd posted this after you'd gotten a dozen more chapters out of the way - would likely have made it to the library. However, given the current word count, it'll probably be squatting here and gathering cyber-dust for a while, or get bumped to the Rec Bin.
It seems like it. Again I reiterate that a friend told me I should post here. Sorry about that. That said, a dozen chapters will take me a while. I think I'll make longer chapters and also I'll be busy once classes start back up.

Thanks for all your help.
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