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Old 07-23-2005, 04:52 PM   #1
Antivash
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Betrayed by Kateydidnt - K+ - HP/OC - 26 Chapters

Title: Betrayed
Author: Kateydidnt
Rating: K+ [PG-13]
Genre: Drama/Angst
Pairing: Harry/Muggle OC
Chapters: 26
Words: 102,138
Updated: July 15, 2005
Published: April 1, 2003
Status: Complete

Summary:In his fifth year Harry Potter was framed for murder and sentenced to Azkaban. Ten years later his innocence is proven. What will Harry do? Written PreOotP. COMPLETE!
Link: Betrayed

VERY good fic in my opinion. Worth the time to read really. This id say is my favorite Azkaban!Harry fic avalible. No bad ass Harry, no evil insane hell bent on revenge harry, but in my opinion just as good because it seems, in my eyes, that it focuses more on character development.

Extra Link: The Weasley Reaction

Title: The Weasley Reaction
Words: 3,951
Published: July 9, 2003

An extra oneshot ot betrayed, hosted on the same account, but apparently written by someone else.



Checked by Minion, March 29, 2013
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Last edited by Dark Minion; 03-29-2013 at 04:20 PM.
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Old 07-23-2005, 06:14 PM   #2
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I read this a little while ago and it is pretty good.

I just read that Weasley's Reaction and all they had to do was go see him and things might of worked out better, lol. Good story that one.
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Old 07-23-2005, 07:22 PM   #3
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i actully followed this story till that long brake between ch27 but its finished now and the ending does fit with the story...i'm just glad its finished...but it was a good fic
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Old 08-08-2005, 11:30 AM   #4
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I didn't care for it much, a bit to angsty for my taste's, I could never tolerate a Whiny-Lil-Bitch! Harry for long.

However I did finish reading it and it was definately interesting. A refreshing change of pace.
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Old 11-14-2005, 04:44 PM   #5
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Never thought this story would be finished given how long the break was, but what do you know. This story was very very good, especially back in the days...of I think 4th book or something (don't recall too many appealing stories back then or at least any I really really liked) Which explains the 2k reviews I think..

I do kind of agree that the story was angsty, but mehe it fit very well. Definitely a worthy read.
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Old 02-28-2006, 07:55 AM   #6
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The fiction is good to read. a bit pissed off that went on a long break. hopefully there are other good fics out there just as good if not better.
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Old 02-28-2006, 02:39 PM   #7
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this is one of the best azkaban fic I`ve read.
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Old 02-28-2006, 03:18 PM   #8
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very very very good fic, the first of its genre I read, made me start to like them
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Old 02-28-2006, 10:13 PM   #9
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I stopped reading after his wife died. It's wayyyyy too angsty.
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Old 03-01-2006, 12:06 AM   #10
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Originally Posted by TheIllusiveOne
I stopped reading after his wife died. It's wayyyyy too angsty.
Nah, it wasn't overblown like most fics. He got sad, and that's what's supposed to happen, but put his family and duties before his depression. That's what made me like it so much. He doesn't spend time crying nonstop like you would expect.
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Old 03-01-2006, 07:41 AM   #11
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I read this story in german. I like it. Maybe there could be a little more Detail, about his time in America, but it was really good. My first Azkaban Story that i read.
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Old 03-06-2006, 08:15 AM   #12
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maby we should give this fic a reward for the best azakban story ever.
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Old 04-09-2006, 11:28 PM   #13
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I was a little sketchy of the story during those first few chapters, but once the story gets going it is a very good read!

It is on my list of favorite Azkaban fics, and a very good twist to the final battle when Harry recounted it to his daughter. Made my change a few things in the story I am working on.
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Old 01-07-2008, 02:53 AM   #14
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Quite possibly the best Azkaban fic I've read so far. Very good character developement, very few cliches (except for the whole being framed and his closest friends believing that Harry is guilty) , and a fairly original (if somewhat vague) framing. Decent ending as well.

5/5
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Old 02-04-2008, 02:45 PM   #15
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This was the first Azkaban and in fact even the first Au fic i ever read and it's still one of the best in both categories IMHO...
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Old 02-04-2008, 02:59 PM   #16
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Necro'd thread = no es bueno, chico
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Old 02-04-2008, 03:01 PM   #17
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It's intelligent and sophisticated. That the British Wizarding World kept making the same mistakes over and over until forcibly derailed fits beautifully with canon.
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Old 02-08-2008, 10:50 PM   #18
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Necro'd thread = no es bueno, chico
Necroing thread in the Library = acceptable. This shouldn't be anything new. STFU plz.
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Old 02-09-2008, 12:15 AM   #19
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Necroposting with stupid as fuck posts isn't acceptable, even in the library.

Quote:
First, I'll have you know that I printed your prologue and first chapter, so that I could re-read them without getting a headache from intensely staring at my screen for 4 hours :P.

Let's just say my printer hates you now...

Okay, now, my long-due review.

General impression: I should say that I'm rendered speechless, but given that I'm just about to write a novel of a review, it would be totally inappropriate. Well, you get the general idea... I love it. It is simply brilliant.

However, before I start raving about your writing abilities, let's get the (hopefully) constructive criticism done.

Form:

A few spelling/grammar mistakes here or there, "it's" instead of "its" and "then" instead of "than" being the recurrent ones; for the grammar/syntax: there are sometimes problems with the sequence of tenses (though I may be oversensitive to that kind of thing, given my origins); using the present tense when it should be the past (It is/It was) or the preterit when it should be the pluperfect… Other than that, you have a very unique style of writing, which greatly contributes to creating a special atmosphere for this story; darker and much more epic than the atmosphere in the HP books.

I also noticed the repeated use of fragments of sentences. I like the stylistic effect, but you're using them a tad too often in my opinion. It can sound melodramatic when overdone. For some sentences, going for the simplicity instead of accumulating the effects might have suited your story better.

The dialogues are good, though I found the part when the three girls talk to Harry after his display of anger a little forced, somehow. The way they all speak in turn, each of them waiting for the other to finish before they have a comforting gesture towards Harry... That's what struck me as a bit unnatural: each of them taking the time to touch him or physically comfort him (no double/twisted/sick meaning intended, for those reading this) before talking to him. It was like a... a choreography or something. There was something theatrical, almost ritual, about their reactions. Also, the way they all call his name before addressing him adds to this feeling of weirdness. People hardly call each other's name when they talk in real life.
Parsing, parsing...

Quote:
The constant switching from past to present and back again was... a little confusing, which was near-unavoidable given the nature of the prologue (as a series of flashbacks), but still very skilfully done. The bits of ‘present’ injected here and there were just what was necessary to remind the readers that Harry was actually remembering all this; otherwise, I would have probably felt a little lost between the rush of flashbacks and the abrupt return to present time. The connections between Harry’s train of thought and the memories it induced were very well-done, giving your chapter perfect coherence; and again, I know from experience (both as a reader and as an author) that it’s a very difficult thing to do when writing a succession of flashbacks.

What else?... You seem to hate repetitions, if I am to judge from your using many different terms to refer to Harry. Most authors, JKR included, merely call him ‘Harry’; you, on the other hand, resorts to a handful of circumlocutions such as ‘the raven-haired teen’, ‘the young wizard’, ‘the Potter heir’, ‘the Chosen One’ or ‘the Boy-Who-Lived’. Most of them flow well, and it’s nice not to have to suffer repetitions; those often make one’s writing sound awkward. Sometimes, though, calling him ‘the raven-haired boy’ instead of just ‘Harry’ sounded a little artificial. It may be just me—I saw ‘the raven-haired boy’ once, got a little stuck on it, translated it into French to test the sound of it, and it sounded really weird… Anyway, no repetitions = good. But too many circumlocutions = you sound a little like you’re trying very hard to avoid repetitions (speaking of which, how many times did I repeat the verb ‘sound’ in that last paragraph? >_<), in an almost schoolish way.

While I’m at talking about vocabulary: yours is very rich and extensive, and thanks to that you manage to create a contrasted atmosphere. The French authors Baudelaire or Maupassant use a flawless French and an incredibly rich vocabulary to describe trivial, disgusting or utterly depressing situations; the effect you create here is similar: even though death and destruction are everywhere, the words you use ennoble your characters and their actions; this is another major break from JKR’s simple and ‘to the point’ writing, and one I enjoyed immensely. However, you sometimes break from your own habits and use much more trivial words. The result, if surprising, is most of the time very enjoyable.

Ex: “Harry and Crying had met many times under moonlight. Crying knew all of his secrets.”

Just when I was starting to think that your metaphor (or personification, to be accurate) was a bit too elaborated, and bordering artificial, especially since it was describing Harry's thoughts, you add:

“Crying was a bitch that would show up whenever Harry wanted her the least.”

Nice contrast.

That was the most boring part of my review. I have other formal remarks to make about your fight scenes, but they deserve a whole part of my review just for them, so that’ll come later. Now, onto more interesting stuff:

Content:

General position of the story in relation to Canon:
While you respect canon, you’ve managed to take over the Harry Potter world and turn it into something much more complex and much darker (using, among other things, the various processes I have already described). The world you’ve created is both similar and completely different from JKR’s world; and this is perfectly illustrated when Harry compares his present life with the task Dumbledore gave him, which sounded so “simple, clean, and elegant” at the time… Brilliant!

Characterisation:
Very good. JKR’s characters are still recognisable, but they have obviously changed, they have been shaped differently by the horrible events they all went through. The change is so smooth that it seems absolutely natural and believable. Harry being supported by Hermione and Ron was nicely done, even if, as an eternal Ginny-hater, I would have preferred that she wouldn’t be on the same level as his best friends. Reading about the pair of them in a relationship, I can handle, especially if it’s as well written as it is here; but seeing her everywhere… I’m not so sure. As things are, she seemed to be the dreaded fourth member of Harry’s group of friends. Luna’s characterisation was good, you gave a nice insight into her mind, along with very intriguing facts about her; even if her 'Sight' might not be the most original find, it was still nicely depicted and… strangely chilling.

Harry’s characterisation is wonderful. You’ve made him both hardened and still deeply human, both independent and true to his nature as a Gryffindor. You’ve shaped him, from the teenager he still is at the end of HBP, into a complex character, hurt by all his losses yet determined, forced by the circumstances to be the one everyone looks up to and yet accepting this responsibility without the slightest second thought. I love him. I love the way you underlined his maturing and his losing all illusions and nearly all hopes, with the contrast between past and present. Once again, wonderful job.

Voldemort was well-written too, though I sensed a kind of contradiction in the way you’ve treated his character. On one hand, you make him almost God-like, calm and haughty, intoxicated with his own power but still perfectly composed; you gave him that kind of aura that almost induces admiration, even if it comes from someone who hates him. But on the other hand, your constant calling him ‘Riddle’ is destabilising. You’ll notice that JKR, who is also making him a feared and somehow noble opponent, always use ‘Voldemort’; the only exception is when Dumbledore addresses him, and it’s easy to see that it’s precisely because Dumbledore commands respect even more than Voldemort does. Calling Voldemort ‘Riddle’ reduces him as a wizard like any other, only more ambitious. All in all, a little strange… But still, probably the most canon character here.

The Battle scenes:
There are… different. Very different from anything I’ve read so far.

At first read, I thought—like others, most likely—that they were very long. So long that I actually skimmed through them. Actually, I am unfortunate enough to be unable to read a story without being completely immersed in it, forgetting everything else; as a consequence, I often have on my face the characters’ expressions… (It’s rather embarrassing: in the middle of a story, someone interrupts to ask you suspiciously, “What are you smiling/frowning about?” and then it’s very hard to make them believe you were doing your homework ) Anyway, I was so taken in the action that I was exasperated to see how long the descriptions were; I felt that my level of adrenaline had the time to go down below physiological level, by the time I was done with the descriptions. Stupid, I know. Stupid. Stupid. As a result, I nearly missed one of the most beautiful part of the prologue.

Second read (yes... I noticed your story was twice as enjoyable at the second read): I drank every word. The extreme variety of spells, the thorough exploitation of time and space, the detailed descriptions of the characters’ moves… Everything works towards creating one of the most original and complete fight scenes ever. Most HP fight scenes mainly use spell work. Yours are so much more complex, interesting and realistic. There’s a perfect balance between depicting action and writing Harry’s thoughts and feelings during the fight.

I was intrigued by the form of your battle scenes. Your sentences are long and well articulated, and on the whole, if I had to use a word to describe your writing, it would be the musical word “legato”. Meaning, it all flows. It’s strange; I, for one, would use a “legato” style for description of still things, reasoning, emotions etc. For the fight scenes, I would use a “staccato” style (short sentences, quick enumerations, a… terse, sharp style etc.). Still, after I got used to it, that style seemed fitting; it was a horrible mess described like a dance, a kind of strangely beautiful choreography. I'm hooked. I'm in love with that style of yours, seriously.

The battle scenes are also the moments when you are the furthest away from canon (does that even make sense? Not sure). Wandless magic, martial arts, everything screams ALTERNATE UNIVERSE. I am usually a bit bothered by that kind of thing. I always feel it's not right to give wizards such power. There should be a limit in what a wizard can do, otherwise the world doesn't make sense (sorry, I sound way too scientific…). Still, the idea of extraordinarily powerful warriors enables you to do such a thing, I guess. And on the other hand, Harry was indeed more powerful than what he should be, but he still have his weaknesses. Anyway, the only fact that I went on reading (whereas I usually hit the "back" button every time I stumble across a back-flipping Hermione) proves that it was written exceptionably well.

Now, about the plot in itself:
(A tiny little thing, before I forget: you mention Fred as one of the killed in the Prologue, and you bring him back as an Order member in the first chapter. You might want to fix that.)
God, this is complicated! You seem to have set the basis for so many different things you need to develop! I really don't have the courage to list them all… Luna's dreams, Harry's mission and how he will accomplish it, how Voldemort managed to awaken his seven warriors, and what is going on in their heads… Well, right now, I can't find the words to describe how puzzled, intrigued, and impatient I am (I think I just heard you sigh in relief). I'm just… yearning for more. More! I want more! I will beg you for more until my dying day (or yours)!
Then it would unquestionably compensate for the necro, but

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This was the first Azkaban and in fact even the first Au fic i ever read and it's still one of the best in both categories IMHO...
doesn't compare.
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Old 02-12-2008, 06:03 PM   #20
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It was......ok. Not really all that interesting but still written well enough to keep you reading. The character development and realism take it up above a majority of the competition, but still not quite my cup o' tea.
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