[Oneshot] Desires of a Hallow by Zenzao - T

Zenzao · 11-28-2011, 11:00 PM

Title: Desires of a Hallow
Author: Zenzao
Rating: T
Genre: Suspense/Horror.
Words: 1,866
Published: January 15, 2011
Status: Complete.
Library Category: Dark Arts/Alternatives.
Pairings: James/Lily.
Summary: There is an allure, a seductive gulf and destructive nature entwined about the wand, the stone, the cloak. It is an corruption that bleeds through them and taints all before their path. For James Potter, the will to overcome that corruption may be to much
Link: FFN

Stupid? Yessir, yes'm, going against the grain and contributing my own story for review.

Reason? It's done. I'm never going to turn this into a lengthy, multi-chapter story, or even really expand upon it any further than I did just about fifteen minutes ago with some quick corrections.

I wrote this back around the time that January was supposed to have been the Dark Arts contest, as memory serves, and it received pretty positive feedback in WBA, so here we are.

Have at it, and thanks for reading.

Checked by Minion, Nov. 25, 2012

T3t · 11-29-2011, 12:49 AM

I liked it when you wrote it and I still like it now. I can't say that for a lot of fics that I read 10 months ago.

Peace · 11-29-2011, 07:42 AM

I like this and wouldn't mind seeing it expanded.

Aekiel · 11-30-2011, 02:12 AM

I liked it, though I noticed that you had James as a seeker, when he was actually a chaser.

Nauro · 11-30-2011, 12:16 PM

I don't know, something seems lacking.

The idea about the allure is newish (there was something about it, but I haven't seen much of it, so there - an original idea.) The taint of powerful objects however is older than radio (probably not ;D) but it's done kind of correctly.

The best part was the ending, where James speaks to his heir, signifying the inheritance of both power and drawbacks.

The other stuff, I don't know, it feels slightly too short. There is also something that I feel is lacking for me to like it. It's good, I understand that the writing is solid, the idea has a start and a finish, but it still doesn't work for me. I don't know why. It's slightly maddening, even. Was it the too simple way of Lily falling into the flames? Was it the forgotten possible challenge of the Gaunt Ring's hidden soul?

It should have been a page longer and maybe it would have more impact. Then, perhaps not, sometimes less is better. Usually less is better.

So, I don't know. 3/5?
Maybe I'll vote after I think about it again.

Nauro.

Basilisk · 11-30-2011, 03:13 PM

I'll say like Naura, there is something lacking. Maybe it's the lack of details of how James acquired the ring or the wand. Maybe it's how the Lily's death happened. I'll give it a 3/5 because of the original idea and of the decent writing, but it needs more to reach 4+

Teresoul · 12-01-2011, 09:44 PM

Even though the writing was excellent and there were no grammatical mistakes, I felt as if something was missing as well.

Although the fight between Dumbledore and James seemed entirely too difficult to believe. Dumbledore not being able to defeat a wandless James, despite having time to cast four spells, which ended up being pretty much forth year spells at that and no awesome shit at all? Come on dude, when have you read a Dumbledore scene in the books where he casts a spell and its not awesome or at least mysterious?

Yet, that's not what bothered me the most.

What did was the fact that you only tell us of the change in James' character and explain that it was slow and gradual, but you do not really show it. We don't even get to see the beginning of this metamorphosis, and instead we're immediately thrust near its very end, show casting the final product. Thus, the Hallows' seduction doesn't deliver any emotional impact, seeing as we don't even have a comparison between Normal!James and HallowsCrazy!James. And lacking that emotional impact renders your one-shot almost meaningless.

So, -1 for the lack of epic!Dumbledore, -1 for the lack of character transformation, but +1 for your writing style, which I very much like. So all in all, I think a solid 4/5.

Cheers and keep writing.

Nargles · 12-04-2011, 02:04 AM

I really like Master of Death stories, and this is one of them. As a oneshot, it's good, but if you ever change you mind and expend upon it, then it could be something of epic propertion.

4/5

Seriously, you should definitely make it novel-lenght. I would fanboy the shit out of it.

On a completely unrelated note, Teresoul, when are going to update Principia Princeps? It was going so well...

Mordecai · 12-08-2011, 09:48 AM

I didn't find it particularly enjoyable, nor gripping in any way. Not library worthy.

2/5

11-28-2011, 11:00 PM	#1
Zenzao Dark Lord Join Date: Aug 2009 Gender: Male Posts: 1,198	Desires of a Hallow by Zenzao - T Title: Desires of a Hallow Author: Zenzao Rating: T Genre: Suspense/Horror. Words: 1,866 Published: January 15, 2011 Status: Complete. Library Category: Dark Arts/Alternatives. Pairings: James/Lily. Summary: There is an allure, a seductive gulf and destructive nature entwined about the wand, the stone, the cloak. It is an corruption that bleeds through them and taints all before their path. For James Potter, the will to overcome that corruption may be to much Link: FFN Stupid? Yessir, yes'm, going against the grain and contributing my own story for review. Reason? It's done. I'm never going to turn this into a lengthy, multi-chapter story, or even really expand upon it any further than I did just about fifteen minutes ago with some quick corrections. I wrote this back around the time that January was supposed to have been the Dark Arts contest, as memory serves, and it received pretty positive feedback in WBA, so here we are. Have at it, and thanks for reading. Checked by Minion, Nov. 25, 2012 __________________ The 500 Club; Two Years strong and Two Years completed. Last edited by Dark Minion; 11-25-2012 at 09:17 AM.

11-29-2011, 07:42 AM	#3
Peace Second Year Join Date: Aug 2011 Location: My computer desk Gender: Male Posts: 124	I like this and wouldn't mind seeing it expanded. __________________ Peace - Through Superior Firepower

11-30-2011, 12:16 PM	#5
Nauro Death Eater Join Date: Oct 2011 Location: Lithuania Age: 23 Gender: Male Posts: 560	I don't know, something seems lacking. The idea about the allure is newish (there was something about it, but I haven't seen much of it, so there - an original idea.) The taint of powerful objects however is older than radio (probably not ;D) but it's done kind of correctly. The best part was the ending, where James speaks to his heir, signifying the inheritance of both power and drawbacks. The other stuff, I don't know, it feels slightly too short. There is also something that I feel is lacking for me to like it. It's good, I understand that the writing is solid, the idea has a start and a finish, but it still doesn't work for me. I don't know why. It's slightly maddening, even. Was it the too simple way of Lily falling into the flames? Was it the forgotten possible challenge of the Gaunt Ring's hidden soul? It should have been a page longer and maybe it would have more impact. Then, perhaps not, sometimes less is better. Usually less is better. So, I don't know. 3/5? Maybe I'll vote after I think about it again. Nauro. __________________ \/vvvv\/ Nauro /VVVV\

12-01-2011, 09:44 PM	#7
Teresoul Sixth Year Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: Macedonia Age: 24 Gender: Male Posts: 208	Even though the writing was excellent and there were no grammatical mistakes, I felt as if something was missing as well. Although the fight between Dumbledore and James seemed entirely too difficult to believe. Dumbledore not being able to defeat a wandless James, despite having time to cast four spells, which ended up being pretty much forth year spells at that and no awesome shit at all? Come on dude, when have you read a Dumbledore scene in the books where he casts a spell and its not awesome or at least mysterious? Yet, that's not what bothered me the most. What did was the fact that you only tell us of the change in James' character and explain that it was slow and gradual, but you do not really show it. We don't even get to see the beginning of this metamorphosis, and instead we're immediately thrust near its very end, show casting the final product. Thus, the Hallows' seduction doesn't deliver any emotional impact, seeing as we don't even have a comparison between Normal!James and HallowsCrazy!James. And lacking that emotional impact renders your one-shot almost meaningless. So, -1 for the lack of epic!Dumbledore, -1 for the lack of character transformation, but +1 for your writing style, which I very much like. So all in all, I think a solid 4/5. Cheers and keep writing. __________________ The conscience doesn't forgive when you're the creator of your own doom.

12-04-2011, 02:04 AM	#8
Nargles Fifth Year Join Date: Apr 2011 Location: New England Gender: Male Posts: 190	I really like Master of Death stories, and this is one of them. As a oneshot, it's good, but if you ever change you mind and expend upon it, then it could be something of epic propertion. 4/5 Seriously, you should definitely make it novel-lenght. I would fanboy the shit out of it. On a completely unrelated note, Teresoul, when are going to update Principia Princeps? It was going so well... __________________ Should we teach our children facts? No, I say, a thousand times no! As they grow into tomorrow's farmers, housewives, mill workers, and coal miners, facts are the last things they will need. Manners! Subservience! Above all, obedience! To speak only when spoken to, and not to cause trouble! These are the principles upon which our educational system was grounded. Why in the name of God should we replace it with a system that actually encourages an ignorant man to ask questions? A good citizen does nothing of the sort. He is content with the reasons he is given by his betters. The Onion: Our Dumb Century Last edited by Nargles; 12-04-2011 at 02:08 AM.

11-30-2011, 03:13 PM	#6
Basilisk Professor Join Date: Apr 2011 Location: QC, Canada Gender: Male Posts: 321	I'll say like Naura, there is something lacking. Maybe it's the lack of details of how James acquired the ring or the wand. Maybe it's how the Lily's death happened. I'll give it a 3/5 because of the original idea and of the decent writing, but it needs more to reach 4+

12-08-2011, 09:48 AM	#9
Mordecai God of Magic Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: Scotland Age: 22 Gender: Male Posts: 3,188 DLP Supporter	I didn't find it particularly enjoyable, nor gripping in any way. Not library worthy. 2/5 __________________ 'You may not be good at making friends,' whispered Parax. 'But by Heaven you are second to none when it comes to making enemies.' Sword in the Storm, by David Gemmell

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