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Old 06-02-2006, 01:55 PM   #1
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A Nice Cup of Tea and a Lie Down by Bernice - T (ONE-SHOT)

Title: A Nice Cup of Tea and a Lie Down
Author: Bernice
Rating: T
Genre: General/Humor
Status: ONE-SHOT
Pairings: None
Link: http://members.ozemail.com.au/~brussell/tea.htm

Great one-shot. Sort of a dark humor, for those who like that.
IP82 stories:

Potter's Resistance 1: Breaking Ties -> DLP Thread
Yin and Yang -> DLP Thread

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Old 06-02-2006, 02:38 PM   #2
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That was great.

This line really cracked me up.
"Well, waste not, want not. Besides, it won't be like yer dead then, will it? I'll feed yeh to the hippogriffs. Yeh always liked them, didn't yeh?" Hagrid suddenly beamed, as if he was doing Harry a favour. "It'll be like yer not gone, then."

"I'll be still around as hippogriff shit, you mean."
Originally Posted by ?
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them.
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Old 06-03-2006, 12:50 AM   #3
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Harry shoulda been protected by the prophecy. Stupid boy never stands for his rights and is clueless as always.

In honor of Harry Potter, I will continue this fanfic with a brief extension.


"I really am very sorry, Harry. I'll name one o'me kids after yeh, if that'll help?" Hagrid's voice came from a great distance, and Harry thought, as he rested his head on the table, at least he hadn't been lying, there was no pain and it really was quite peaceful. Just like going to sleep.

But as his eyes closed and hearing faded, he felt a burst of light sear through him, yanking him from the deceptive warm blanket that had clouded his senses.

He sat up with a jolt, aware of a fading green aura around his body.

His fading vision returned to normal and the world crashed back into sound.

With only a massive headache, Harry looked up at the suprised face of Hagrid.

"Guess they were right, calling you the boy-who-lived an all. 'Tis a shame though, I'll have teh kill you meself," he said almost regretfully.

Drawing his wand, he dove out of the way as the traitorous half-giant flew at him with surpising agility, his massive arms aimed for his neck.

The gamekeeper crashed into the couch where he had been sitting only moments before. The oak wood broke clean in half under his weight.

In a flash, Hagrid was on his feet again.

Harry raised his wand against him, aiming it at his head.

Hagrid chuckled, amused.

"Magic won't do yeh any good Harry, thought you'd know that by now!"

Harry's face darkened, and he sent a powerful cutting curse at Hagrid's exposed neck.

The pale blue light simply dissapeared against the half-breed's skin, leaving no trace behind.

Harry was too stunned by the sight to see Hagrid's fist crashing into him, sending him careening to the floor.

His wand skittered away, rolling under the table.

He could only watch as his first ever friend stood looming over him, his hands raised high above.

"I'm sorry Harry, you know that..."

And with that, he brought his hands crashing downwards.


A massive beam of reddish-orange light filled his vision as Hagrid was blasted off his feet. The hut shook heavily as the large man slammed into the wall, sliding to the floor.

Looking toward the source of the blast, Harry was rewarded with Albus Dumbledore in all his glory, his wand smoking from the powerful curse. Stepping forward, he conjured thick metal bands to bound Hagrid's limbs.

He looked on his former employee with pity and dissapointment.

Hagrid averted his eyes, unable to face his one time idol.

Placing a sticking charm on him to keep him earthbound, Dumbledore turned to Harry, helping him up and summoning his wand for him.

"I never did like that stupid oaf..." Dumbledore muttered. Clearing his throat, he went on. "It is unfortunate that Hagrid here has turned Dark, Harry. With his abilities, he can not be allowed to return to Voldemort. Do you understand?"

Harry nodded, his eyes flickering toward his first friend. He found it strange that the headmaster spoke as if Hagrid wasn't there.

Dumbledore continued.

"I trust you will use the training I provided you with and carry out what needs to be done? To fight against evil? You won't fail me like you did with Mr. Lupin?"

Harry looked downwards, emabarassed.

"I will, sir."

"And you understand what I mean now, correct?"

"I do."

Dumbledore clasped Harry on the shoulder, looking him straight on.

"Very good Harry. I am proud of you. Now, I will leave you to your duties. Just remember, magic does not work very well on giants, so you will have to use your surroundings."

Harry looked around.

"Well, he does seem to have an affinity to cooking..."

The old man positively beamed at his student.

"On the right track, I see. I will leave you now. Please come to my office when you have completed."

After casting a silencing charm on the entire cabin, Dumbledore left, his last sight being that of Harry summoning a slightly rusted manual blender from nearby.

Closing the door, he walked back to the castle.

Looking back, he was elated to see the specks of blood collecting on the windows.

"A fast learner that one...he will make a good successor..."


I dream of gardens in the desert sand
I dream of love as time runs through my hand
I dream of fire
Those dreams are tied to a horse that will never tire
And in the flames
Her shadows play in the shape of a man's desire

Last edited by Amerision; 06-03-2006 at 12:53 AM.
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Old 06-03-2006, 12:59 AM   #4
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By the way, Hagrid could have killed Harry if it was Voldemort who prepared the poison (or say added some of his blood into it).
IP82 stories:

Potter's Resistance 1: Breaking Ties -> DLP Thread
Yin and Yang -> DLP Thread

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Old 06-04-2006, 03:49 PM   #5
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I liked this fic not because of its humor, although it was funny, but for its unique way to kill Harry. Hagrid betraying the light side - LOL! The idea just makes me laugh my head off thinking of big hairy hagrid being evil.
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Old 08-03-2009, 04:47 PM   #6
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I'd give it a 3.5 or a 4/5 for the Dark humor and the story itself. I was expecting Hagrid's betrayal once I began reading the story but the dialogue was hilarious at points.
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Old 08-03-2009, 05:46 PM   #7
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I love this. And the little continuation by Amerison kind of paints Dumbledore and now Harry as kind of oppressors.

Good stuff.
"You dare tempt me lackey of Chaos? Save your breath. You will need it to scream when the Emperor judges you in the afterlife."

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Harry Potter by J.K. Rowling
A boy finds that life will always be a disappointment. Contains Magic.
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Fantasy - Chapters: 198 - Words: 1,084,170 - Review: 1,000,000+ - Updated: 8-21-07 - Published: 6-29-07 - Harry P. & Ginevra W. - Complete

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Old 08-03-2009, 07:03 PM   #8
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Definitely amusing in a dark sort of way. 4/5
Harry sighed, wiping a tired hand across his face. "I understand why you did what you did, Bruce. The point is you didn't need to blow up three buses, two boats, a nunnery, and a toy poodle."

"I don't like poodles," muttered Batman, looking rather like a child being scolded.

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Old 12-09-2009, 05:09 PM   #9
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The lighthearted tone feels inappropriate for a story like this 3/5. It took away from the impact of this story.
"Theoretically, all acts of debauchery are exonerated when performed in the name of science. It is difficult to cry foul when one's pursuit of knowledge is so noble." ~Robo Jesus
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Old 10-01-2011, 02:07 AM   #10
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This is bad. Not funny, and even taking the date into account... not funny. 1/5
Originally Posted by happyg View Post
As far as I can tell, Sree is some kind of racist joke.
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author:bernice, oneshot

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