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Old 12-01-2006, 03:22 PM   #1
Void Sorcerer
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A New Beginning by Void Sorcerer - T - ONESHOT

Title: A New Beginning
Author: Void Sorcerer
Rating: T
Genre: General
DLP Genre: Probably General
Pairing: None
Words: 3,098
Published: December 1, 2006

Status: Complete
Summary: What do you do when you finally realize what it is that Fate has in store for you? You accept the task of course, and with it comes, A New Beginning!
Link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3267556/1/

My first One-Shot a little over 3,000 words. Please tell me what you guys think.



Checked by Minion, March 10, 2013
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Old 12-02-2006, 12:47 AM   #2
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A very intriguing one-shot. I would not mind seeing a continuation to it, it would prove to be very interesting.
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Old 12-02-2006, 12:45 PM   #3
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While I dont usually like fics where the author tells the story as if you were Harry Potter with chronic amnesia and he was recounting your feats in an attempt to get your memory back, this one wasn't bad since I liked the basic plot of the story.

3/5
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Old 12-02-2006, 02:31 PM   #4
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Yes verry nice liked the idea the begging was a bit strange but once I got it and I put the puzzle togher I found that I rather liked the story and way to bad its aone shoot I would have loved to see more but thats all for now 4/5
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Old 12-03-2006, 07:19 AM   #5
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I think you mean "beginning". ^_^
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Old 12-03-2006, 11:33 AM   #6
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I'm not entirely certain about this one.

First off, it's written in second person, and keeps shifting from present to past tense and back again. Second person is hard enough to read and follow, and the tense problems don't make it any easier.

Secondly, I really feel like this Harry's motivations and circumstances needed some more explanations and details. Who's holding him prisoner? Why? You didn't elucidate much on his "greatest weakness", just listed a couple of things that weren't it. Such an epiphany really should have been written down; maybe that realization is what finally made him crack, and as such it should have been worthy of at least a mention. Maybe it's because of that lack that it feels at the end like Harry just says to himself, "Hey, I think I'll go Dark because it's my turn!"

To me, this one reads like a preliminary draft; so much more needs to be added. If you ever get a chance, writing in some of the supporting details would make this a much better piece.

I say, 2.5/5.
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Old 12-04-2006, 12:42 AM   #7
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I really liked the story, the turn around was very interesting. Of course, we don't really find out why? Perhaps if this was a longer one shot or a full fic it would work better. There are a lot of 'fill in the blanks' and where one can use their own imagination to provide the answers it would be nice to see you tell the full story. All in all an enjoyable read.

4/5
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Old 12-04-2006, 03:10 AM   #8
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I confess I'm not exactly sure what happened at the end...everything seemed fine and peachy, and next thing we know Harry's in Azkaban? o_O If that's what happened, then I'm not impressed. The story's good enough, but the ending was a kick in the nuts that I wasn't expecting at all, given the quality of the lead-up to the ending.
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Old 12-04-2006, 09:29 PM   #9
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Sorry for those of you who were disappointed in the story, I really am not that great of a writer, but hey I will try better next time.

For those of you who have read it and left reviews, I have found that most people do in fact want me to turn it into a story and not just a One-Shot. Feelings on this, a few of you said that with the ending you weren't especially impressed, should I turn it into a story do you think?

Opinions please.

-Void

P.S. Thx in advance.
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Old 12-04-2006, 11:53 PM   #10
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Yea. Turn it into a story and stop using second person mode, its gets quite confusing to read.
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Old 12-05-2006, 12:36 AM   #11
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Agreed, definitely use this as a draft for a full story. It would be easier on the eyes if the perspective is changed. I would prefer to see the story take off from where you ended the one-shot, but then you would have to do a lot of flash backs to explain why he's turned against the magical world.

I personally don't mind flashbacks but from what I can tell the metamorphosis from hero to prisoner is going to be important. Good luck!
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Old 12-05-2006, 01:09 AM   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Void Sorcerer View Post
Sorry for those of you who were disappointed in the story, I really am not that great of a writer, but hey I will try better next time.

For those of you who have read it and left reviews, I have found that most people do in fact want me to turn it into a story and not just a One-Shot. Feelings on this, a few of you said that with the ending you weren't especially impressed, should I turn it into a story do you think?
That's the whole point, I think, of making your work available for public comment here. I think I speak for the majority when I say we want to see you get better, and we'll do what we can to help out.

Go ahead, by all means turn it into a chaptered story. I said in my review that it needs a lot of expansion and explanations, and that's the best way to handle it (unless you want to pull a Ruskbyte 44K oneshot!).

Add more of the details and (if you want to keep it in second person) watch your tenses. If I were you, though, I'd really consider switching to third person -- it'll be much easier to read.

Stay with it, and good luck!
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"We go in hard and fast. Watch your fire sectors and your threat IDs." Happy slammed a full mag into his MP-5. "Nail anything taller than four feet except the Queen. Dead queens can't give us antidotes."

Dopey looked up from his equipment check, chin quivering. "What if she won't talk?"

"She'll talk," said Doc, grimly. "They always talk. Eventually."
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Old 12-06-2006, 03:47 PM   #13
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I liked the one-shot, very entertaining. The writing set a nice tone for the reader, and helped to establish the state of mind that we were supposed to take the story in with.

Obviously because it was a one-shot and the leaps from Hero to Villian were intentionally abrupt it left me wondering how the change came to be. Even so, it felt a bit choppy in that last section. I don't know if it was just me, but even for a one-shot it felt like the second to last section needed a bit more tying up, and the intro the last section, a more descriptive lead in.

You write well, certainly well enough to put together a multi-chapter story out of this. The second person narrative is tough to pull off for a whole fic though. I don't know how long you've been writing but a more standard narrative approach is much easier to start with.

Great Job!

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Old 12-06-2006, 05:04 PM   #14
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Oh believe me, I have no intention of writing the rest of the story in 2nd person if I decide to continue it. I just thought it would be a nice touch in a one-shot. Obviously it didn't turn out as well as I had planned, but oh well...

I will have to think of a good plot line now, but hey we will see what we can get out to yall.
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Old 12-15-2006, 05:31 PM   #15
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Anyone else care to share their views on this one? Don't be shy... (subtly looks at Tinn :P)
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Old 12-15-2006, 06:35 PM   #16
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No...don't turn this into a story, Void. Stay with your Dark!Evil!Harry idea that you've been working on, a story like that is far more wanted, I guess you could say, than this one (though this could lead to a great fic). Bleh, I'd personally rather read the Evil!Harry one, finding a good one is impossible.
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Old 12-15-2006, 06:58 PM   #17
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Have no fear Yarrgh my man, if I do choose to make more of a storyline for this, I will wait until after I get the other story up and running, I am working on it right now, but I really don't spend all the much time working on it, I should spend more, and will start too.

I have some ideas running around for it as well, so it might take me some time to organize and write it out. Perhaps you would like to take a look at what I come up with?
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Old 12-15-2006, 08:49 PM   #18
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Yeah sure, Void, I'll help as much as I can. You disappeared off IRC, so I was a little confused...PM me with any questions/whatever you want.
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Old 12-16-2006, 01:40 AM   #19
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Brilliant, really enjoyed this, it was engaging and alround a great one-shot, only wish it was a little bit longer. still 5/5
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Old 12-22-2006, 12:14 AM   #20
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Yarrgh! View Post
No...don't turn this into a story, Void. Stay with your Dark!Evil!Harry idea that you've been working on, a story like that is far more wanted, I guess you could say, than this one (though this could lead to a great fic). Bleh, I'd personally rather read the Evil!Harry one, finding a good one is impossible.
Is it really a Dark!Evil!harry story? or is it more of a FixTheWorldByWhateverMeans!Harry story, and that the average joe just isn't going to understand, and the Minestry going to lable him evil?

4/5
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