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Old 12-03-2006, 10:49 PM   #1
Aensland
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Ancient Blood: Mortal Flesh by Aensland - T

Title: Ancient Blood: Mortal Flesh
Author: Aensland (Me!)
Rating: T (For now)
Genre: AU
Chapters: 5 (chapter 5 actually shouldn't count as chapter)
Words: 14,922
Updated: September 27, 2004
Published: October 3, 2003
Status: Abandoned

DLP Category: The Alternate's more than likely
Pairing: Harry/multiple (not as in a harem-type situation, but as in he's a teenager and changes relationships a lot, all female though, and not with the whore or Herm)
Status: Work in Progress
Summary:A.U. Because of his bloodline Harry is taken from the doorstep of the Dursley's by two dragon half breeds to live with them and their clan until it is his time to head for Hogwarts.
Link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/1543792/1/

It's a start from the beginning (i.e pre-hogwarts), but unlike most others that lose momentum, its not from lack of ideas, but that my will to write HP was sapped from me by the 5th book. I have key ideas on how events would be drastically different for most of the books (I haven't read the 6th one, cause of the horror stories I've heard of it). But since I've stumbled across this place, I've been beginning to feel the burn to work on it again, so I'd figure I'd put it up for review and see if anyone thinks it worth revisiting.

Edit: Nevermind! Figured it out!


Checked by Minion, Nov. 26, 2012
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Last edited by Dark Minion; 11-26-2012 at 02:59 PM.
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Old 12-04-2006, 01:00 AM   #2
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Hmm... Good beginning, but you need a beta. Check PerfectImagination for one.

And you have several cliches in the story. "Last of my kind" is a big one. Not to mention the word "druid" gives me flashbacks of Rose Potter.
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Old 12-04-2006, 01:13 AM   #3
Aensland
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ineedbettername View Post
Hmm... Good beginning, but you need a beta. Check PerfectImagination for one.

And you have several cliches in the story. "Last of my kind" is a big one. Not to mention the word "druid" gives me flashbacks of Rose Potter.
Been out of the game a few years so I guess it makes sense that what I thought original then, isn't now. I'd change druid but I'm not sure what else would fit, they're more than elementalists (which I won't touch cause from what I understand has become a huge cliche as well) and calling them something like 'nature mages' sounds dumb, any thoughts on how to make that less annoying? By the way, what's Rose Potter? A marysue!SI sister druidish person from some fic?
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Last edited by Aensland; 12-04-2006 at 01:15 AM.
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Old 12-04-2006, 01:36 AM   #4
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You're shitting me. Rose Potter is the second worst HP-sue in existance. Enter if you dare.
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Old 12-04-2006, 02:36 PM   #5
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If you can stand that, then you have only one more test. *nods sagely*

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Old 12-04-2006, 03:07 PM   #6
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I'm warning you man, do not even attempt 'My Immortal' that is quite possibly the worst story ever and will probably make you loose your will to write again.
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Old 12-04-2006, 03:35 PM   #7
Sanctimonius
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This is a pretty good story, and honestly, i can stomach the cliches as it is a few years old, and a fairly unique central idea. Cliches are unavoidable in fics now a days, so i wouldn't worry, just keep the central idea original, and the writing good and you're gold. Continue it, and if you do, longer chapters please?


Edit: Actually, if you want, it might be nice for you to go back and edit the first chapter, adding more details about the half-dragon race, as it is a little unclear. How is the 'mating' done between human and dragon? What dictates what draconian traits are received and what aren't? Basic stuff like that would be nice.
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Old 12-04-2006, 05:09 PM   #8
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My Immortal is bloody hilarious. (I love how you can kill a vampire with the word-that-must-not-be-written or a type of meat) I know its a serious attempt at a story... no really.. it is... but I can't help but burst out laughing. Now then... to the actual story being reviewed....

erm, I'll read it first.

Right, so I've read it, and I like it. But where's the rest? Do choose to write more. People will read it.

Last edited by HardcoreHobbit; 12-04-2006 at 07:39 PM.
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Old 12-05-2006, 07:12 PM   #9
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Will you continue this story or has it been abandoned?
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Old 12-06-2006, 03:25 PM   #10
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I like the idea with the dragon blood and it doesn't make Harry all powerful, so I can live with the "Last Of My Race" cliche.
My points to make the story more interesting:
- Let Dumbledore not be too manipulative, but screptical and supportive all the same. It's always more interesting when he is intelligent and not plainly good or evil.
- I think of druids not as in "elemental mages" but as the users of "natural magic". That includes fields as herbology, potions, astronomy and most probably runic magic as well. He should be really good in some of these.
- You should paint a picture of the OCs in the readers mind, not list some facts. I'd like to imagine how they walk, how they look, do they breeth louder, harsher, faster, slower how do they blush, smirk, scowl if they don't have human face? These dragons should come to life, make it more descriptive.

So far, so good. I will definitely follow your progress.
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Old 12-06-2006, 09:36 PM   #11
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This seems like a good piece so far, if a bit cliche. I've read a few other fics with a dragon crossbreed Harry. This is better than the last because it doesn't have him befriend Malfoy. I think you might be overcomplicating things with so many dragon breeds, but if you find a way to make sense of it all, so be it. The cold blooded thing was a little confusing, as many cold blooded animals live without fire. The only large problem I see, would be if you made Harry either too powerful from his dragon side, or from his druidic training, though the inability with fire is a good barrier. And lastly, what the hell is "Neh".

Edit: Neh is a perfectly acceptable sound and can in no way ruin a piece of fiction.
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Old 12-06-2006, 11:08 PM   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Olfrik View Post
I like the idea with the dragon blood and it doesn't make Harry all powerful, so I can live with the "Last Of My Race" cliche.
My points to make the story more interesting:
- Let Dumbledore not be too manipulative, but screptical and supportive all the same. It's always more interesting when he is intelligent and not plainly good or evil.
- I think of druids not as in "elemental mages" but as the users of "natural magic". That includes fields as herbology, potions, astronomy and most probably runic magic as well. He should be really good in some of these.
- You should paint a picture of the OCs in the readers mind, not list some facts. I'd like to imagine how they walk, how they look, do they breeth louder, harsher, faster, slower how do they blush, smirk, scowl if they don't have human face? These dragons should come to life, make it more descriptive.

So far, so good. I will definitely follow your progress.
First, thank you for the suggestions! I had actually started writting this before the whole manipulative!dumbledore thing started, so I actually was planing on making him a bit weary, but generally accepting at the same time. He will, of course, be curious and may be a bit prying, but not evil.

I love your thoughts on druids, though I'm not sure about potions being a part of that, but the rest is in there, though no where as in-depth as I want it to be. That also brings in the third point, and in my eyes, my most hideous weakness, I've totally neglected discriptions of the OCs, and that is something I'm going to correct. (Edit: And how I seem to over-use commas...)

Thank you for your comments.

Quote:
Originally Posted by deathtehfluffybunny View Post
This seems like a good piece so far, if a bit cliche. I've read a few other fics with a dragon crossbreed Harry. This is better than the last because it doesn't have him befriend Malfoy. I think you might be overcomplicating things with so many dragon breeds, but if you find a way to make sense of it all, so be it. The cold blooded thing was a little confusing, as many cold blooded animals live without fire. The only large problem I see, would be if you made Harry either too powerful from his dragon side, or from his druidic training, though the inability with fire is a good barrier. And lastly, what the hell is "Neh".

Edit: Neh is a perfectly acceptable sound and can in no way ruin a piece of fiction.

My reasoning behind the cold-blooded thing was, a cold-blooded humanoid is bigger than every (most?) other cold-blooded creature, and therefore would require more heat. And I am actively working on keeping Harry from being too powerful. And yeah, 'neh' is just a sound, I've always had different noises I've greeted people with, and I sorta thought everyone had the same...

Thanks for you criticism too.
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Last edited by Aensland; 12-06-2006 at 11:16 PM.
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Old 12-09-2006, 06:35 PM   #13
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I liked it so far. I can't really judge the fic till I see what you do with the Hogwarts era but I would encourage you to continue writing.
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Old 12-09-2006, 07:14 PM   #14
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I enjoy I understand that there are cliches but at the time of it's creation it wasn't cliche for a lot of his ideas so I hope you continue become a author that continues his abandoned stories
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Old 12-10-2006, 01:34 PM   #15
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Really rather enjoyed this fic, was a very very good idea at the time which has unfortunately become cliched over the years, but as said above this can be let go. Will you be continuing this fic at all, it would be a waste to abandon it.
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