Title: The Assignment
Author: Ensiferous
Rating: T
Pairings: None
Status: Completed one-shot
Suggested Catagory: Alternates
Summary: Holding his breath in anticipation he unfolded the parchment and his eyes came to rest on the single word there, “Granger”.
The mission was simple, seek and destroy.
Link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4053383/1/The_Assignment

Okay I'm plugging my own stuff here, I hope that's okay since I basically just want some feedback on the writing/plot before I move on to some of the larger stories I have planned.

It's quite small, a modest 4,000 words that I just had to write since I couldn't focus on my planning with this one going on in my head.

It deals with post war Harry and what he does in the wizarding world when chess, gobstones and quidditch just isn't cutting it anymore.

 

The link text is right, but the page it is linked to is wrong, so copy and paste rather than click. I'll take a look.

 

Right, there we go, damn designer posting and stealing template from other fic.

 

Dammit, thought someone was continuing thesteffis' fic.

As for the fic, I guess the plot needed a duel, but God, don't write action if you suck at writing them It's Jbern's concepts and incantations, but completely lacks any of its excitement and detail.

Stupid sums this up perfectly. Harry's desk bore the evidence of blood stains? Why didn't he clean it up? Harry's working on killing Hermione and still calls her by a pet name?

If half of your posts are spent promoting yourself, then you're obligated to at least make the story good.

My conscience prevents me from rating this anything higher than a 1/5.

Normally, one-shots have some twist, so can someone summarize it? I'm somewhat curious, but not curious enough to actually slog through the fic.

 

...

That was... very lame at the end. Not exactly well written, but i didnt notice too many grammar or spelling things, so its not the physical writing that sucks.

The "I taught you better" + "O she findz out too soon. nofair! D:" stuff was pitiful.

2/5 as it stands.

 

Appreciate the honesty, I'll admit that action is definitely my weak point, but I'm working to improve on it, and only way to do that is getting feedback on it.

The pet name was done to underline the insanity of Harry, obviously one who kills his childhood friend for fun isn't quite sane so the absurdity of using a pet name for the person you're killing seemed fitting somehow.

I promise that not half of my posts will be self-promoting, at the moment it's even less than 25%, I do post my opinion on other stuff when I find something worth while.

And you're right the spell chaining is Jbern's concept, forgot to add that in so thatnks for reminding me.

 

Bloody brilliant. Why'd you submit it here, though?

If you're going for impact, try Portkey.

P.S: 3/5 > 25%

 

I submitted it here because I'm just starting out writing fanfiction and I need some brutally honest feedback, I know I can get that here of all places, plus I mostly agree with the viewpoints shared here.

Also, I suppose that all my replies in this thread can be seen as promoting the story, I just used the first one to get to that number, but in that case it's quite a bit larger yeah.

And I think PortKey might be an excellent site to post it at, if for nothing else then to see the reaction, from what I've gathered it's a pro H/Hr shipping site right? That's twisted and evil, I like it.

 

Ehh, I thought you were trolling :/

I was referring to the "Harry P & Hermione G" bit

In all seriousness however-

• Give credit where credit is due, otherwise you're a plagiarist (jbern, tonare, spellchain, etc)
• Yeah, work on your action scenes. If I knew how, I'd tell you, but as it stands my own writing is worse than yours. If you want examples of good action scenes, read more jbern or Shezza88.

 

If I was trolling then I'd have made them fall in love and live happily ever after, not have one kill the other.

 

If you just want some feedback, post it in the Work By Author section. This section is for judging whether or not stories belong in the library.

And, now I've read the story. All I can say, really, is "meh." The fight was boring, the grammar was okay - but certainly not great - and the ending too sudden.

2/5

 

That was one persons opinion, don't get upset now.

One thing we are good at here is criticizing, so heads up.

For me, I give this a 2/5 for good grammar, which can be very hard at doing for first time writters (despite the language being your primary, you'd be surprised). The plot needs works, and possibly the atmosphere of the story could have been darker.

 

As far as I know "spellchain" is not a jBern originated concept. I have seen it in other fanfiction before, and it is quite overused. ''Tonare'' I don't know about.

To the OP:

Good to see you have the hide to take DLP critique. I suggest posting your stuff in Work by Author. That section has become more for help, here you have to deal with people passing judgment on whether your story is worthy of being in the library.

Just a different purpose for the two sections. Good luck, and I will echo someone else here, emulate Shezza, he writes action well.

 

I used to see Tonare quite a bit, but spell-chain, eh, I only remember one fic or two except Jim's that incorporated it.

Also, OP: if you have problems in writing action, you should go read the dueling scenes by authors who're good at them. In HP fandom, I'll recommend Shezza's fics, Stranger in an Unholy Land and The Defiance of the Hero (especially chapter six HP/LV duel and the subsequent Azkaban chapter). Read them and try to analyse where the speed is coming from, and the action/adrenaline et cetera. That's what I did, and it did help a bit.

 

When I saw Tonare my mind immediately told me "Tonare, motherfucker!", and that's my only memory of it. But I'll take your word for it, guys.

 

Okay thanks, I'll post it in work by author from now on, and I'll check out stranger in an unholy land.

 

Alright, Neglected Stories List. I really don't know what to say about this fic. Grammatically, it's pretty well written, but other than that.. Well, it's not very good.

It's a fun concept, having a Harry who's gotten so bored with life as a wizard that he and his best friend have decided to start killing people for fun, but the delivery sucked.

The attempted action was weak and illogical, to say nothing of the dialogue. There's no tone or atmosphere to speak of, and characterisation is sorely lacking, as well.

I'd rate this a 2/5, for the concept, grammar and spelling, and a total lack of anything else.

 

I haven't read Jbern so i don't know how he uses it, but Taliath used a spellchain thing in his first fic.. the one who was deleted something like 6 years ago ^^;