Dark Lord Potter Forums Dark Lord Potter Forums  

Go Back   Dark Lord Potter Forums > Library > Almost Recommended
Donate Register Rules Library List IRC Chat FAQ Members List Social Groups Calendar Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Donor Bar
PatronusCharm Banner

 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 04-19-2008, 04:28 AM   #1
The Doctor
Unspeakable
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Australia
Age: 26
Gender: Male
Posts: 732
Accio Brain! by KafkaExMachina - M

Title: Accio Brain!
Author: KafkaExMachina
Rating: M
Genre: Parody/Humour
DLP Category: Humour/Parody
Pairing: Generally H/Hr
Status: WIP
Summary: and other moments of sheer brilliance. A collection of drabbles, omake, and half-baked story ideas bouncing around my head. Rated M for manure.
Link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4100615/1/Accio_Brain

I've been refraining from posting this, as saying "KafkaExMachina is a Harmonian" is like saying "Adolf Hitler isn't particularly fond of the Jews". Even if I found it amusing, it was certain the rest of you wouldn't.

But the last chapter out is pure, unadulterated win. Here's Sirius' will;

 
“And finally, to my shit-for-brains godson, I leave this final message: ‘Hey, pup, guess what? You didn’t kill me! In fact, I’M NOT DEAD BITCH! That’s right! This entire thing is a SCAM! HAH! FUCK YOU ALL!’ Now, since I know a certain senile old cocksucker didn’t let his precious little toy out of the box, I just wanted to let you stupid fucks know that guess what? I’m on to you! That’s right, you fucking walking pecker, I know what you planned all along, and now that your dumb arses think I’m dead, I’ve stolen your precious Potter out from under your pointy little noses. It’s sad, but with the exception of.. well… nobody in this room, you are all a bunch of stuck-up little shits who betrayed my godson. Yeah, Remus, you fucked up, and you fucked up hard. You know what that means. Deal. To the Weasleys… look, Gred, Forge… okay, you aren’t so bad. Maybe you’ll figure it out. Bill and Charlie don’t count, and they aren’t here. Ron? You could have been a contender, you could have been somebody. But you fucked up but good Fourth year, and unlike my godson, I don’t forgive, and I NEVER forget. Ginny, give it up. Harry isn’t a fucking hero, he’s a kid life shat all over. You don’t love him, you never loved him, and frankly you aren’t worthy of liking his asshole after he picked up a case of the trots. Go find some other sucker to fuck over. Mrs. Weasley, I have three words: ‘Give. Me. Head.’ God DAMN you are a BITCH. Merlin lady, didn’t you ever wonder WHY every single FUCKING child you ever had RAN LIKE A BITCH away from you? Arthur, grow some FUCKING balls and BITCH SLAP HER DOWN! Merlin man, you are a pussy. And finally I come to Hermione… man, girl, I really thought you might actually be worth of my godson, but no, you are too fucking stuck on your rules and your obsessive fucking desire to give The Man a rim job. Fuck, didn’t you ever pause for a second and think: ‘Hmmm… Snape is a colostomy bag… maybe there’s something wrong here.’? No, instead you just nagged and bitched and made my poor godson’s life harder. Frankly, if you really are his friend, you’d know where to go. Well, that’s all folks, go fuck yourselves!”


And the H/Hr:

 
Sirius shrugged. “Fine… but you’ll have to prove your devotion to Harry by passing the Test of Loyalty.” Remus blanched.

“Sirius…” The werewolf said.

“No. She bollixed up earlier, and now she’s got to pass the test.” Sirius said flatly. Remus sighed in resignation.

“Fine,” he replied.

“Whatever it takes,” Hermione pledged, “so what do I have to do?”

“Suck Harry’s dick.” Sirius answered flatly.


5/5

Edit: If that's not enough, may I tempt you with Harry Potter/Full Metal Jacket?

 
“I suppose we have a pair of volunteers to show you exactly what happens if you don’t listen to me. Weasley, Draco, front and center,” Gunny ordered. Nervously Ron and Draco approached the front of the room. With a wave of his wand, Gunny wordlessly conjured a pile of large white rocks as tall as Ron and as wide as Goyle. He glared at the pair. “I don’t like where this stack of rocks is. Move them to the other side of the room. Oh, and before I forget, give me your wands.” Wide eyed, Ron and Draco complied. “Oh, and every time one of you boys fucks up, I’m going to add more rocks. Now MOVE!”

Cursing under their breath, Ron and Draco began lifting rocks in tandem and moving them to the other side of the hall. “FASTER YOU LAZY MAGGOTS!” Gunny ordered. They tried to run while carrying the rock, but only managed to drop it. The pile doubled in size. “WHAT THE HELL DO YOU CALL THAT? I’VE SEEN BETTER COORDINATION BETWEEN TWO DRUNK FAIRIES DRY-HUMPING EACH OTHER!”

Last edited by The Doctor; 04-19-2008 at 05:31 AM.
The Doctor is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-19-2008, 09:22 AM   #2
CaptainG
Third Year
 
CaptainG's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Cambridge, UK
Gender: Male
Posts: 95
I read it.
I didn't particularly enjoy it.
When he hits it right, he does it very well, and i was chuckling away merrily.
However, far too often he fails and makes for a shit thing. Of the 10 or so drabbles, only 3 or 4 were good

2.5/5
CaptainG is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-19-2008, 11:42 AM   #3
the13thdragon
Raptured to Hell
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Wales
Age: 29
Gender: Male
Posts: 51
I will admit that Sirius's will was brilliant and original, the rest of the story however is awful but then I hate Hermione altogether so my opinion is likely a littlie bias.
the13thdragon is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-19-2008, 06:19 PM   #4
The Doctor
Unspeakable
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Australia
Age: 26
Gender: Male
Posts: 732
Quote:
Originally Posted by the13thdragon View Post
I will admit that Sirius's will was brilliant and original, the rest of the story however is awful but then I hate Hermione altogether so my opinion is likely a littlie bias.
Yeah, that's why I hesitated in posting it.
The Doctor is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-19-2008, 06:38 PM   #5
dre
Squib
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Gender: Male
Posts: 6
I loved most of the chapters, the SPHEW ones were funny, and the one about Sirius' will was hailarious.
As for a rating, some of the chapters deserves 5\5, but some are 3\5, so I'll give it a 4\5.
dre is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-19-2008, 07:42 PM   #6
fuubar
Headmaster
 
fuubar's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Age: 28
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,048
It has its moments of pure win and its moments of total fail. It's good for a few lulz and a pleasant enough way to kill 20 minutes. 3.5/5
__________________
I turned toward the door and opened it. I looked from Morgan with his juice box to Molly with her shotgun. “You two play nice.”

~Dresden Files~
fuubar is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-19-2008, 09:23 PM   #7
MonCappy
Fifth Year
 
MonCappy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 154
I thought the will reading one was awesome. The fake out with his death and his pretty much telling everyone off was quite amusing. The author mentioned possibly expanding the Full Metal Hogwarts concept in the future. While I think they make for some amusing one-shots (I think there are two of them), I don't think the concept would have legs as a full length story.
MonCappy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-20-2008, 02:13 AM   #8
Sledgehammer
Second Year
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Around Vancouver with the pinko freaks.
Age: 39
Gender: Male
Posts: 55
I give it 3 1/2 rounded up for the Full Metal Hogwarts chapters. That'll most likely be getting a five-star review from me when he spplits that off from Accio Brain.
Sledgehammer is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-20-2008, 04:04 AM   #9
MrINBN
Unspeakable
 
MrINBN's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Portland, OR
Age: 29
Gender: Male
Posts: 735
Send a message via Yahoo to MrINBN
I'd say a 3/5 total. A couple of the stories really were not funny, but others made me laugh a LONG time. My favorite was Full Metal Hogwarts.
__________________
MrINBN is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-20-2008, 04:58 AM   #10
carvell
Professor
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: cleveland, UK
Gender: Male
Posts: 413
DLP Supporter Donor Star
You have got to write Full Metal Hogwarts, i havent laughed do much for age's the possibilities are endless, 5/5 for the FMH part's the rest were ok not great but ok.

3.5/5 overall
carvell is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-20-2008, 08:04 AM   #11
Warlocke
Prisoner
 
Warlocke's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: The armpit of Ohio
Age: 40
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,804
I was amused.

Then again, I'm a Harmonian sympathizer.
__________________
"14 year olds don't need to know who Dobby's shagging. More to the point, nobody needs to know who Dobby's shagging." - TheInquisition

"Let me tell you a little something about love, Dennis. It has a voracious appetite. It eats everything- Friendship. Family. It kills me how much it eats. But I'll tell you something else. You feed it right, and it can be a beautiful thing, and that's what we have." - Arnie Cunningham, Christine

STEAM
Warlocke is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-20-2008, 01:02 PM   #12
Aekiel
Order Member
Angle of Mispeling
 
Aekiel's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: The Mouth of Ports
Age: 29
Gender: Male
Posts: 824
DLP Supporter Donor Star
I liked the third chapter and Full Metal Hogwarts, otherwise it was pretty average. 3/5 for me.
__________________
Quote:
Originally Posted by Custer
We're holding out for more SasuNaru goodness.
Because you can't, you won't and you don't stop ~ The Beastie Muppets
Steam Profile
Aekiel is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-20-2008, 07:02 PM   #13
Manatheron
Headmaster
 
Manatheron's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Age: 32
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,166
FMH was definatly worth reading, but I think that the SPEHW Had some definite potential too. The first two were rather crap though.

Edit: Just finished the last one... the Omake were... {Shudders in Revulsion} ... Er... the rest of it was worth reading though.
__________________

Known to be Neutral Good And occasionally DLP's Devil's Advocate

<img src=http://img520.imageshack.us/img520/9650/consequencesrd2.png border=0 alt= />
<font size=1>

Those who would give up a little liberty to gain a little security deserve neither, and will lose both.
~Benjamin Franklin~

Last edited by Manatheron; 04-20-2008 at 07:17 PM.
Manatheron is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-13-2008, 01:44 AM   #14
Korisovra
Headmaster
 
Korisovra's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: At your mothers house
Age: 35
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,163
Send a message via AIM to Korisovra Send a message via MSN to Korisovra Send a message via Yahoo to Korisovra
Accio Brain by KafkaExMachina

Title: Accio Brain!
Author: KafkaExMachina
Rating: T
Genre: Parody
DLP Category: Humor/parody
Pairing: Prepubescent children AHOY!
Status: In Progress
Summary: This may offend some people, probably far more than anything else I’ve written, but I’d like to think that people literate enough to read my stories possess the ability to take them with a grain (many) of salt. The humanistic/religious philosophies are not my own, rather they belong to the estate of A.S. LaVey et. al. No, Virginia, they don’t actually believe in the Judeo-Christian concept of Satan. They just pretend too because they like to see your knickers in a twist. Oh, and there’s mention of Vernon Dursley getting laid. Sorry. Just… think about puppies.

Link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4100615/11/Accio_Brain

I started this on Chapter 11 because that's the only bit worth reading. Satanist!Harry FTW! Generally Kafka is one of the authors I consider a retard but I stumbled on this and upgraded it to moron. The 2 chapters he has up are lulzy as hell and I'll rate them, and only them, a 4/5.
__________________
Harry sighed, wiping a tired hand across his face. "I understand why you did what you did, Bruce. The point is you didn't need to blow up three buses, two boats, a nunnery, and a toy poodle."


"I don't like poodles," muttered Batman, looking rather like a child being scolded.




Last edited by Korisovra; 06-13-2008 at 03:47 AM.
Korisovra is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-13-2008, 04:45 AM   #15
Richard
Supreme Mugwump
 
Richard's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: California
Age: 34
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,784
I have to agree. 11 and 12 were fucking hilarious. I was laughing so much I was coughing (I got the coughs). Can't wait for more of it if it's going to be this good continually.
__________________
Richard is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-13-2008, 04:58 AM   #16
Krogan
Fourth Year
Alien in a Hat
 
Krogan's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Texas
Gender: Male
Posts: 119
DLP Supporter Donor Star
Normally I can't stand anything with Harry/Vernon paternal bonding but the whole Satanist thing was just lulzy as fuck. I hope he writes more of this. 4/5
__________________
Krogan is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-13-2008, 05:05 AM   #17
Bukay
Professor
 
Bukay's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: London, England
Age: 29
Gender: Male
Posts: 420
Quote:
Originally Posted by Krogan View Post
Normally I can't stand anything with Harry/Vernon paternal bonding but the whole Satanist thing was just lulzy as fuck. I hope he writes more of this. 4/5
QFT. I wonder what would be Dumbledore's reaction to satanist!harry... or Snape's... much potential lulz here
Bukay is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-13-2008, 06:56 AM   #18
Tehan
Avatar of Khorne
 
Tehan's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 3,743
DLP Supporter Donor Star
Quote:
Originally Posted by Korisovra View Post
Oh, and there’s mention of Vernon Dursley getting laid. Sorry. Just… think about puppies.
Now I'm thinking about Vernon having sex with puppies. Everything is ruined forever.
__________________
Tehan is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-13-2008, 02:32 PM   #19
thapagan
High Inquisitor
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Gender: Male
Posts: 577
Just one of those wacky ideas that works.
thapagan is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-13-2008, 02:48 PM   #20
007_rock
DA Member
 
007_rock's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Cochin
Gender: Male
Posts: 158
Send a message via Yahoo to 007_rock
Fucking great....... But did anyone bother trying the first ten chapters??? I only read 11 and 12.... Any idea if it worth reading through?

As for last two.... loved the terrific new idea of Satanist Harry... Never seen that before....

4/5
__________________
Progress isn't made by early risers or hard workers, but by LAZY people, trying to find easier ways to do the same - Henry Ford



A candle loses nothing by lighting another candle - Inspire
007_rock is offline   Reply With Quote

Tags
author:kafkaexmachina, harry/hermione


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Left Brain or Right Brain? Mage Ronin Real Life Discussion 97 03-20-2008 04:17 AM
Agent Double O Hex, by KafkaExMachina - T scaryisntit Almost Recommended 16 03-11-2008 10:24 AM
Will He Be Happy? by KafkaExMachina OneWhiteHair Almost Recommended 15 02-28-2008 01:50 PM
The Contents of my super-cool Brain-Cell. Chicklepea Introduction Archives [Closed] 44 01-08-2008 11:15 AM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 10:36 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.9
Copyright ©2000 - 2017, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Copyright ©2005 - 2016 DLP Group. All rights reserved.
No personal intellectual property on this site may be used without the credit and express permission of the respective authors.